My son and GD have fallen out with each, has anyone been in a similar situation?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Your GF is 25 surely schools must have identified some issues as to her autism. I acknowledge there are many levels. How did she cope when she took off at 16? Perhaps there is a much bigger mental health problem in that she is now with the parent she had nothing to do with for so long. Express how sad you are at the situation then leave it at that. She is 25, an adult.

It is very difficult for you I can understand. But you need to look at the long term situation. The best thing I think is to be friends and supportive to both your son and your grand daughter , but make it clear to both of them you are not taking sides nor are you going to tell either of them private information you have received from the other. However if you see or hear a change in their attitudes you could suggest yourself as a channel for them. It is difficult to change your mind once in that situation and even if you wish to change you may hesitate in case you would be rebuffed. So you have the ability to say to each of them that you think the other person would be prepared to meet or you might get them to write a letter and you could hold the letter for the other person. Finally , but it could be risky, you could invite them both to somewhere neutral, such as a cafe that you all like and place yourself somewhere where the second person wont see the first until quite close to you. They then have the choice of turning round and leaving or coming towards you. Even if it is a bit stiff and awkward they are less likely to argue or make a scene in public. Only you would know if it was something that might work or if it would just alienate them from you too. You can still say to each of them how sad you personally feel that they are separated, but dont ask for reasons or blame one or the other. Just let them know that you care about them both. Also should you all know someone who has been in a crash or sadly died , that is obviously a situation that makes people think and is the opportunity to say again How sad that they never saw their ... again. Whilst your son may have thought of such situations probably your grand daughter hasnt as young people tend to see themselves as invincible and immortal. I hope things improve for you all , but you will know you have done your best and by not being involved with the actual quarrel you give both of them someone to speak to and you are doing your best for everyone and at least in the future you can be comforted by the fact that you did what you could.

I may be cynical, but could the late interest on the part of your ex~DIL have anything to do with the diagnosis of Autism - and a possible DLA/PIP entitlement?

Stay well out of it,it could all go belly up

And Goodnanny,beware of this equaty release thing,it`s not as it sounds.

Goodynanny, you are on the wrong thread. You can start your own and people will then advise you. Good luck.

I agree, stay friendly, stay neutral, listen but don't comment to ANYBODY

Let them sort it out themselves. Trying to interfere will cause all kinds of problems. Stay out of it...

It's their problem and you are only a long-distance spectator. Keep up the good relations between you and any other of your AC and GC. That's all you can do.

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They are not children. Stay out of it as you do not want to find yourself being accused of 'taking sides'.

Someone above said let her know how sad the situation makes you feel.... please don’t that’s just adding your misery to the upset and it’s not about you at all please don’t put that on her shoulders

Read up on ASC in felmalesas it very different to men, does it ring any bells for or your x dil behaviour . Then sit back and read up on ASC in men does in ring any bells in your husband or son behaviour.
And other have said don't take sides . And learn how to deal with felmale ASC person .

Depends on how close you are to your son - if you've had issues with him or are closer to any of his siblings your input could be misunderstood. The girl must respect her father unless he has been awful to her. Much also depends on how well you know your DIL - your post doesn't sound very supportive of her as the girls mother. As some here have said it's best to say little about the dynamics of the family relationships if you haven't witnessed things first hand having physical distance between yourself and GC. I lived with both sets of grandparents at intervals under 16yo and saw them weekly as I grew up. However I learnt not to discuss my parents as my mother's father didn't like my dad and my dads mum wasn't a fan of my mothers! I rarely spoke to my father's mum about him as she worshipped him and wouldn't believe a word against him even when he was obviously drunk and disorderly. My own granddaughter is just 4yo and despite the ups and downs we grandparents experience with her mother, our daughter, I am determined to back her mum so the child grows up confident and stable. Partner and I didn't have grandparents who'd help with our children so no where for them to go if they fell out with us. Lots of teens do fall out with their parents. Love is the answer and truly respecting each and every family member. Not wise to ever discuss parents with their children so keep neutral, be patient and you'll help the girl and your son bond again.

agree with Bluebell above. be neutral. and don't do any manipulation as someone suggested, staged meetings etc. that would be alienate her. and it's not respectful.
also i think you should try to change how you think/refer to your GD.
you say she was a difficult child.
isn't that a bit like saying a dyslexic was lazy at reading/writing.

I would stay out of it, I wouldn’t be doing any meetings between the two of them , I would let her know you are always there for her if she wanted to talk same as I’d be for my son but there’s no way I’d be taking sides

What a difficult situation for you. It’s hard to stand back and not be able to help, but as others have already said, stay neutral. Your son and granddaughter are both adults, and much as it hurts, there really isn’t anything you can do, other than be there to listen to them both. It’s so sad when families are at odds with one another. Just carry on being the good mother and grandmother that you are. Sending hugs ?

You say your granddaughter has recently been diagnosed with Autism . This would account for her behaviour. Dont take sides but it would be worth reading about Autism for a good understanding and getting support through one of the Autism support networks.

Coco51

I may be cynical, but could the late interest on the part of your ex~DIL have anything to do with the diagnosis of Autism - and a possible DLA/PIP entitlement?

Any PIP paid would go direct to the GC not to the parent as we are talking about an adult.

Maybe suggest to your son that he reply to GD's texts in a kind way. such as,
It sounds like your angry with me and I'm sorry for that, but I'll always love you and I'm here for you when you need me.

Thank you all for your very helpful suggestions and comments, particularly Dowsabella, it is comforting to know one isn’t alone.

I have a friend who was in a similar situation to your son. His wife left suddenly and he brought up his two children through the teenage years. When their mum came back into their life, it seemed they couldn't cope with having a good relationship with both parents and"sided with" their mum even although my friend had been careful not to criticise her in front of his children. Maybe your GD can't cope with thinking both parents love her, and both have good points but sees the situation as black and white - one parent must be the good one, the other bad ( especially if DIL has been saying negative things about your son).
All you can do is be there for her and, if natural opportunities arise, try to encourage her to have contact with her dad and recognise that neither parent is perfect.
All the best in what must be a very painful situation.

My ex husband was violent towards me and we divorced when my son was small, he had access to him but caused all sorts of problems and eventually turned my son against me. As a result I no longer have contact with my DS and have never met my GC, in fact I only found out I had GC through an old school friend of my DS. My DS cut himself off from my parents too in spite of them always being there for him. They didn’t try to get involved just waited to see if he would contact them, sadly he didn’t and it is now too late. I would love to put the record straight and say how it was for me but fear I will never have the opportunity, it is probably better to let sleeping dogs lie. I might write a letter to him to be passed on when I am no longer on this planet. I am afraid I don’t know what the answer is, but you still see your GD, I wouldn’t jeopardise that.

I would follow the advice of the stay neutral and don’t interfere given above. They are all grown and mature. It would be a different matter if the gran daughter was around eight years old and being neglected or abused.
I learned this lesson, I have a ten year old non verbal autistic grandson, he was diagnosed at four.
My daughter very diplomatically told me to stop making it all about me, and how I affects me, she felt that at thirty one I insulted her intelligence/decision making, and I will not always be around to prop her up.

Your GF is 25 surely schools must have identified some issues as to her autism.

Sadly, it is all too common for girls not to be identified. I'd put money on my daughter being ASD but at school her behaviour was masked. She went around with a blank expression on her face for her teachers rather than the meltdowns we had the moment she came through the door. She was my "difficult" child. Unfortunately, as an adult, until she asks for a diagnosis, she will never be diagnosed.

My DIL is now in her 30's and has only just been identified despite her brother and sister being diagnosed years ago. She was just better at hiding it than them.