Dilemma

Furthermore, there is another generational change-
Respect your elders vs adults are peers

That is the source of a lot of family problems

Frogsinmygarden, I don't think the younger generation view MILs as being against them. I do think they are less likely to accept interference for a range of reasons. Partly even because of the different lifestyles families have now compared to two generations ago.

Part of the issue might be, as you stated, the expectation that DILs will find middle ground with their MILs. When it comes to parenting my children and how my family runs, I don't have to find middle ground with anyone. Maybe when it comes to where we will meet up for a visit, sure, or what we will eat for Christmas lunch. Not in the important things like parenting practices and needing down time together.

Gran16.. "" I'm in a similar situation to yourself. That's why I suggested councilling, and learning to keep your self respect. I didn't, I got really upset and they as good as laughed at me, making me feel pathetic. I found it helped to talk things over with a professional, as they allowed me to see, that it wasn't, 100% my fault and the reasons why ( for the sake of my own mental health) I had to let go. These things can eat you alive and destroy your life, but with the right professional help, that pain will ease. As it did with me. You do need to be a little tough with yourself, but you also need to be very kind to yourself. Non of us are perfect, so stop trying to be, it won't happen. And those that are hurting you are far less perfect.

I totally agree with Bluebell, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself as its losing you - your self respect . You deserve better than this and it sounds as if your son is terrified of this woman. He needs to grow a back bone and stand up for himself. I can't believe he's happy having to ask his wife if he can hug his own mother, that's just humiliating. I can see your upset, I would be devastated. But your losing your self respect pandering to them like this. Stop buying their meals, look after yourself, and tell yourself on a regular basis that "you don't deserve to be treated like this" the pair of them should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves, but in your DILaws defence, she doesn't know any better, she's been brought up this way, to her it feels normal, she probably doesn't realise she's doing anything wrong. I think she's to be pitted more than anything, but she needs to know its wrong. Your son is just going a long with it to keep the peace, but he won't like it. If you look at it as a flaw in your DILaws character and a fault in her upbringing, ( which is true) it might take some of the pain away for you. But they do need to be made aware of how wrong their behaviour is. Please be brave, and accept some self esteem councilling, hopefully things will eventually fall into place for you, but don't be too impatient, take baby steps, and be kind to yourself.

I think a very important part of what you do next has to be finding some friends and companionship through joining others who have similar interests. Walking groups, Women’s Institute, knitting circle etc. I think if your days and evenings were fuller all this would hurt you less. It’s very disappointing to be treating in the hurtful way you have been but if I were you I would not be hanging around waiting for the next blow. Don’t feel you have to give so much. I’m so sorry you are feeling hurt like this. I hope all the support on this site helps you feel better

Gran116 This is so, so sad to read, my heart goes out to you.

CafeAuLait I have tried the friendship thing but hasn’t worked out. I get a lot of mixed messages. I find it easiest to wait until I’m wanted. The children will bridge the gap when they are older.

Interestingly, my DIL had the same sort of background as you.

Nannan2

JenJen- i don't think they have 'bubbles- OP said 'mom' so i assume their in USA or even Canada?? (& like all their kinsmen are seemingly acting like theres no pandemic so carrying on life as normal, visiting etc.?)

You know that North America is quite vast don’t you? That each state/province makes their own rules? That some are very locked down, and handling covid well?

The UK certainly has no moral superiority on how covid was handled. North America locked down before the UK.

As for your “March in and demand to stay”. Good god. That’s one way to ensure you’re persona no grata for the forceable future.

Dilly, I discovered through therapy that I was frustrated with my own MIL and her control in my life and then felt I was ‘owed’ having the same control in my ds’s and dils life too and was very frustrated when they didn’t play ball as I felt it was my turn for things to go the way I wanted.

This is so insightful. I’ve long thought this exact issue has been the centre of most conflicts.

I have seen similar situations to this with sons of people I know. It is usually the case that sons veer towards their wife's family. I don't know why but I've even seen it happen with my DH who, unless encouraged by me, would hardly ever have gone to see his mother (who incidentally he loved very much). I think men see themselves as head of their families and it's usually the women who instigate family gatherings. It's how it is generally. Do not be confrontational but in a gentle way tell your son how you feel, how much you love him and how much you'd like to be involved with the grandchild. It's all you can do but with the children of our sons, we are usually granny number 2. Seriously, I know a lot of people who say they hardly ever see their sons even if they live in the same town. It puzzles me but it does happen a lot.

I really feel for you and I know exactly how you feel. I have 2 sons who have both decided to end their relationship with me as I explained how their behaviour upset me. Mine being the only birthday not celebrated, lack of cards for Christmas, birthday etc. One is married and one engaged. I said I was upset that I didnt receive a birthday card and I was told by DIL that my son 'doesn't do cards!' .. the son I knew did. I have 4 grandchildren, the 2 eldest I have contact through their mother (my sons ex) they are 9 and 11 and their mother is more concerned about what they want (I.e. contact with me) rather than using them as a stick to beat me with like my son does. My youngest two are strangers as they live a couple of hours away and I had to make all the effort to visit them and I have health issues and couldn't manage it as often as was necessary to form a relationship with the eldest now 4. I discovered a couple of months ago that my 4th grandchild was born last year but no one told me. It was my eldest grandchild that mentioned the new arrival after Christmas as he wouldn't have known I was unaware. I tried to act as normal as possible and I confirmed with his mother that he didn't realise as I wouldn't want to upset him. I was asked to contribute to a large garden item for my youngest grandsons birthday which I duly did and sent money, all I asked for was a photograph of him with the toy but that was too much trouble. I continue to send cards and token gifts to the youngest 2 but get no response so I put money away for them too. I photograph everything I send and date it so one day they may understand me being out of their lives was not my choice or want.
I have seen a counsellor and although it breaks my heart, for my own sanity, I have had to forget about contact with the younger 2 who wouldn't know who I was. My sons are not the adults from the children I raised and the disappointment and hurt is astounding.
Be careful when you stand your ground, I agree you should but it doesn't always end well.

No wonder you are feeling rejected
But these relatives are ulikely to wake -up to your needs they are sleepwalking with regard to their actions and lack sensitivity towards your situation you need to decide whether you are going to enable the situation to continue or are you ready to start looking after your own wellbeing which would appear to include a re-assessment of your input into the family
Rather than expecting your family to change why don't you stop investing your emotional energy in this unsatisfactory scenario once you decide enough is enough (the turning point) ) you will let go of your dependence on your family which seems to inevitably leave you feeling excluded
Maybe you could expand the places you can interact with children /families how about volunteering at Sunday school for example once covid situation allows.? The more you allow yourself to be manipulated the more the situation will continue if you do things differently-different things will happen
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

This breaks my heart. I wish I lived close so I could come and bring you some flowers and give you a gigantic hug. Your story also strikes fear into my heart because as the mom to 5 young adult sons I worry all the time about being in the same situation someday.

What your son and his wife are doing to you is unkind. However, I'll bet there are many mothers of sons that have similar stories.

The concept of bubble does not exist in the US

Nonna1day I’m so sorry for you it sounds just awful. I think they both need to be told how it’s making you feel - nobody deserves to be treated like that and if they have any sense of decency at all they should realise what they are doing is cruel and heartless.

I worried when my son had my darling GC with his partner, who is Slovakian. I thought she might spend all her time with her own family - UK and Slovakia - and that I wouldn't get a look in.

However, she was exhausted looking after the little ones and makes my son bring them over so that she can have a break!
Win-win.

I should add that our situation is a little different in that she is a lovely human being and we go out for walks together once or twice a week, in addition to my son visiting on his own with GC.

But that doesn't take away from the fact that new mums often need a break and take it where they can!!

Just wait... I'm sure it will all work out well for you! And I wish you well. x

Daisend1

soosiewoosie
Must be american ? why?.

Use of ‘mom’ and ‘backyard visit’

Unlike many on here, I find Lolo's reply harsh and totally without empathy. My heart goes out to Nonnalday. Although I haven't been in that situation I can fully appreciate how it must feel. Most of us will have been in a position when we are not part of the "in" clique, and feel ignored and upset. It may not even be cold bloodedly deliberate, but just simply liteerally thoughtless . It is also ver easy to tell you to be more assertive. But if you are not naturally assertive, that is easier said than done. I agree that finding a therapist may help. If nothing else, it will give you someone to talk to who will understand. I expect your son is enjoying being part of a big, sociable family. But that does not in any way excuse his behaviour. And the situation with the food is appalling. He has probably never had to fight for his place in a family set up and has never had to stand up to anyone before and, like you, is not assertive and doesn't know how to. Why don't you write down how you feel (be factual rather than self pitying) and state what you would like to happen , ask him to come round on his own. Tell him you have something serious you need to discuss with him about your future and give him the letter to read while he is there. Then leave it to him. When lockdown is over consider joining the U3A if there are groups near you. Depending on where you live, your age and your finances could you even sell your home and move into a retirement complex. You would be surrounded by similar people and plenty of company. Good luck

Your dil is a red herring. Your son is utterly to blame here. It sounds as though he has no idea how to be an independent autonomous adult! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds heart breaking and my view is you have nothing to lose by telling HIM exactly what you think of him.

Have just read your post and I am heartbroken for you. I think your son should be ashamed of himself and his appalling wife. Could you tell your son how you are feeling ? Is he so brainwashed and completely devoid of any human feeling that he can’t understand how hurt you are? I’d like to have a few choice words with him or, failing that, give him a swift hard kick up the backside. I send you much love.

Nonnalday - you say that her family is their 'bubble ' - but it can't be; a support bubble is formed with a single adult household.

soosiewoosie
Must be american ? why?.

Very sad story. Time for you to have your life back. Rejection hurts a lot. Trust me, there are plenty of us rejected by our DILs. 2 years is enough of this game. If they care about you they will. If they don't, they won't. Stop spending money on them. Immediately, stop. Take that money, join some clubs that do things. Get together, travel clubs, over 55 clubs, hiking clubs, walking clubs, painting clubs, dinner clubs. You find them on meetup. That's online. Time to get some peer friends and have some fun. Spend no more money on them. Buy the baby some things because you want to. Not because they want you to. Get a part time job at something that interests you. You eventually will have so many other outside interests that it will lessen your fixation. Its awful what is happening and conversations do not help. They are old enough to already know. It's the choice they are making with complete disregard for your feelings. Trust me, you are not alone. About 20% of us have this issue with our DILs. Nothing logical works and conversations become defensive. Stop spending money on them and start your own life. It's not going to change until they mature and even then it may not. Find a man friend. Many over 55 dating groups. Go have some fun. Maybe he will have a family who likes having a grandma around.

I have a narcissistic dil who has done much the same. I have not seen my latest gc despite onl living 10mins drive away. My ds has visited me twice in 5 months and both times fil phoned him and pestered him to hurry home. I have given up letting it upset me and now just get on with my life. If my ds calls we have a chat, I ask about the gcs and that's that. There is no point wishing for something that may never happen. As for the gifted foid eaten by others I definately would call him out on that and would no longer be supplying food to feed her family. Get out, do things for you and font rely on others to make you happy it can and often does lead to disappointment and you are worth more than that.

I've never faced this situation, either with my in-laws or with my DIL and SIL. I agree with some posts on here that say you need to start living a more fulfilled life, take on group hobbies, build up a friendship base, get out and about, become a busy person with your own interests. Perhaps you're just too needy when your son and DIL are with you. The loneliness and resentment you feel is probably causing an atmosphere making visits to you more of a chore than a delight.

I'm grateful that my son and daughter, plus their partners, enjoy our company. We have some great times when we get together and they and the little grandchildren still share holidays with us from time to time. My daughter tells me she's glad she's got a mum who's has her own life, though it initially caused Umbridge when she wanted me to look after my two granddaughters when they were tiny, but she came to see that having a mum who was 'out there', would have the children 'occasionally' and help out when needed was a better compromise and family relationships have remained strong and very loving.

You've spent years investing so much time in your son, but you have to live your own life now. Go grab it by the ears, get some counselling and start to see the world as a happy place. I'm sure that things will improve in the future and I wish you well.