hi nonna1day,
i hope you’re still watching this thread, and i hope you will read my post in the positive light i’m sending it. i feel very sad that you’re going through this heartache, but as with most things in life the only things you can change are your own actions (and the way you feel about others’ actions).
you’ve given several clues about your situation, and perhaps the most important is in your “name”. “grandma one day”. it’s what you’ve been living for for so long. please don’t punish yourself for what is not your fault, and spoil your grandma experience.
i’m guessing you were, and still are, devastated by your divorce and the things that led up to it. the broken promises. you took the decision to centre your entire life around your son, which has necessarily left you alone since he made his very natural next move in his life. and you’ve been hurting ever since.
i'm going to ask you to consider several important things.
why do you think your future dil told you, the first time you met, that she had “never met her grandparents and uncles on her dads side”? might she, perhaps, have felt she’d missed out and been hoping to have a warm friendship with you? and if so, how do you think she felt when she heard (or felt from your reaction to her) your negativity to the idea her “one” might “get involved with” her. i think it may have been at that point that you set the foundations for being “in competition with” her family. and that was a “battle” you were always going to lose, however much you may not have intended it to be a battle.
you’ve said that whatever you do, “either way she will find fault with it”. perhaps so, but are you not doing the same?
and perhaps worse, are you not putting yourself into the position of victim, and making all the facts fit? whatever happens, you see things as being intended against you.
when you were bringing up your son and “putting him first”, was that in the hope he would never marry and would always put you first? or was it in the hope he would grow up to live a full and happy life, including making friendships of his own? and then having children of his own. and hopefully not “following in the footsteps” of whatever it was your husband did to you?
so why am i saying all this? certainly not to add to your pain in any way. but hopefully to give you some clues as to what to do next. how to change this awful situation, full of hurt that’s grinding you into the ground.
perhaps if you were to take yourself back to the time when your husband hurt you so badly and you were forced to barricade (bury) yourself to survive? that’s something you need to deal with. perhaps by dealing first with the loneliness you must have felt.
if i were you i would ignore all the advice to confront your dil or even your son. all you can tell them, at the moment, is what they already know: that you are desperately unhappy and desperately lonely.
i think you need to start the clock ticking again. your dream has come true, you are about to be a grandma. grandma1day has become nonna very soon.
i think it might help if you were to begin to look outwards. join as many groups as you can find. online for now, real life when possible. perhaps a knitting group so you can knit for your new love? perhaps a philosophy class at your local u3a? maybe something that will aid your health? doesn’t matter what, but something to give you a conversation that doesn’t include “what you should do” or “how hurt i am”. perhaps “look what i painted today” or “did you know that the ancient egyptians used to …?”
i wish you the very best. you will need to be strong. come on to gransnet for support. people will uplift you because they care, not because it’s their duty.
