I’m so torn about raising my grandkids

I just want to say that it isn’t always best for siblings to be kept together.

I know we all want to think that it’s a supportive relationship, but often it isn’t when the siblings have been raised in a difficult environment. Sibling bullying and abuse is very real.

There are two adults here who each feel they can give individual children the love and attention that they need and can make a difference to their lives.

Personally I think that would be better than the OP struggling with the needs of two and then possibly becoming ill.

The children could still keep in close contact with each other as both adoptions would be in the family.

You are in a terrible situation bjane you have my sympathy.
I agree with eazybee get more information and don't dismiss your own health concerns in all this. I hope you find a solution which works for all of you.

Don't dismiss the idea of your sister taking on one of the boys out of hand. Ideally siblings should be kept together but this isn't an ideal situation. You have cared for these boys for a year and a half and you know the pitfalls; as a previous poster says, once the children are adopted all the offers of support disappear and you are left to cope unaided.

Demand, and I do mean demand, consultations,with educational psychiatrists and psychologists about the effect of separating the brothers, and the impact of drugs on the younger boy, and see how closely you and your sister can work together in bringing them up.
You have been put in a horrible situation through feckless parents, and you have to consider your life and health as well. Don't be steamrolled by Social Services until you are very clear what is best for you and the boys.

If you know you can't do it, you shouldn't. It will only make him suffer and put a strain on your health. Ideally kids should be kept together, but its not always possible due to lots of reasons. Can your sister take both?

If the social services can get you to adopt them/ take responsibility for them I think you will find they are less helpful at providing services to help them. I know they can be very pushy but I would absoloutely REFUSE to adopt one or both until the necesary services are put in place by SS. Many people I know who foster or adopt are abandoned by the system once they take responsibility- don't let SS do this to you.

Are you in America?
I’m not familiar with family law or practice there. Here it would be more likely a Special Guardianship than Adoption order would be made if children remain permanently with family members.
The l. A is obligated to put a care plan to the family court, setting out the needs of the individual child and the support, including financial, to be given to the cater.
The starting point has to be a sit down, honest discussion with the social worker. If the younger boy has complex emotional needs, or is suffering the impact of inutero substance exposure, that needs addressing. Adoptive placements for such children can break down

First of all I'd start by getting some help for the little boy. A referral from his GP will get him the help that's needed as one " wayward " child can upset an already traumatised family.
Nip it in the bud before it gets any worse. You should be getting support with the children anyway both emotionally and financially.
Is he on any medication at all ?

It's still preferable to keep children within the family whether the boy stays with you or your sister but I'd get some treatment in place before any decision is made. Be patient as it's going to take time.

Dinettes??!! Should have said *what we

It sounds like you are not in the UK so it is difficult to give advice. I would say though that the advice of do what is best for everyone is the same everywhere. In the UK they would not have to lose contact with you if they were adopted outside the family together. If your sister lives close by it may be the very best for the children to be separated, it is not always the best thing to keep them together. You need to take into account how you feel too, how old are they, how old are you, are you with a partner. I would be sure that your social services is the best place to go for advice. They will understand your concerns and may be able to help with respite foster care for the youngest in a regular basis that is dinettes would do in the UK. I wish you well and Thankyou for taking on what you have so far, but do not feel guilty if you feel you can’t cope.❤️

You’ve been out in a very difficult position. How old are the children? Does your sister live near? You’ve managed for the last 1 1/2 years so they feel settled with you. Would your sister help by having both boys at times to give you as break? Maybe chunks of the school holidays?

Does your sister live nearby, would the two children see plenty of each other? Maybe attend the same school? Could you try this arrangement and see if it suited everyone involved?

If they are adopted outside the family presumably they'll lose contact with you as well as their parents?
What if their new family couldn't cope with the younger one, could they end up being separated anyway?

I wish you well, it's a dreadful position to be in.

I really feel for you. I have one of our daughters and her three children living with us.
I really love them all, the children bring so much joy, but also so much mess, chaos, everything is getting ruined.
I miss the peace and quiet, I don’t have any time to myself.
I would be a bit stressed if I thought it was forever.

You need help and support with this. Is there a mutual support group for parents/grandparents where you live? Ask your local council or whoever deals with referrals in the uk.

It is always in the best interests of the children to keep siblings together.

I know that is not what you wanted to hear.

Splitting the siblings up will simply be yet another trauma for them to deal with in what sounds like an already very traumatic start to their lives.

Are there any services/support you can access for the youngest? Does he have a diagnosed medical condition?

Splitting them up will have devastating consequences for them.

I’m sorry you are in this position.

I would do what is best for the kids.

Without knowing more, I would keep them together.