I’m so torn about raising my grandkids

I would do what is best for the kids.

Without knowing more, I would keep them together.

It is always in the best interests of the children to keep siblings together.

I know that is not what you wanted to hear.

Splitting the siblings up will simply be yet another trauma for them to deal with in what sounds like an already very traumatic start to their lives.

Are there any services/support you can access for the youngest? Does he have a diagnosed medical condition?

Splitting them up will have devastating consequences for them.

I’m sorry you are in this position.

You need help and support with this. Is there a mutual support group for parents/grandparents where you live? Ask your local council or whoever deals with referrals in the uk.

I really feel for you. I have one of our daughters and her three children living with us.
I really love them all, the children bring so much joy, but also so much mess, chaos, everything is getting ruined.
I miss the peace and quiet, I don’t have any time to myself.
I would be a bit stressed if I thought it was forever.

Does your sister live nearby, would the two children see plenty of each other? Maybe attend the same school? Could you try this arrangement and see if it suited everyone involved?

If they are adopted outside the family presumably they'll lose contact with you as well as their parents?
What if their new family couldn't cope with the younger one, could they end up being separated anyway?

I wish you well, it's a dreadful position to be in.

You’ve been out in a very difficult position. How old are the children? Does your sister live near? You’ve managed for the last 1 1/2 years so they feel settled with you. Would your sister help by having both boys at times to give you as break? Maybe chunks of the school holidays?

It sounds like you are not in the UK so it is difficult to give advice. I would say though that the advice of do what is best for everyone is the same everywhere. In the UK they would not have to lose contact with you if they were adopted outside the family together. If your sister lives close by it may be the very best for the children to be separated, it is not always the best thing to keep them together. You need to take into account how you feel too, how old are they, how old are you, are you with a partner. I would be sure that your social services is the best place to go for advice. They will understand your concerns and may be able to help with respite foster care for the youngest in a regular basis that is dinettes would do in the UK. I wish you well and Thankyou for taking on what you have so far, but do not feel guilty if you feel you can’t cope.❤️

Dinettes??!! Should have said *what we

First of all I'd start by getting some help for the little boy. A referral from his GP will get him the help that's needed as one " wayward " child can upset an already traumatised family.
Nip it in the bud before it gets any worse. You should be getting support with the children anyway both emotionally and financially.
Is he on any medication at all ?

It's still preferable to keep children within the family whether the boy stays with you or your sister but I'd get some treatment in place before any decision is made. Be patient as it's going to take time.

Are you in America?
I’m not familiar with family law or practice there. Here it would be more likely a Special Guardianship than Adoption order would be made if children remain permanently with family members.
The l. A is obligated to put a care plan to the family court, setting out the needs of the individual child and the support, including financial, to be given to the cater.
The starting point has to be a sit down, honest discussion with the social worker. If the younger boy has complex emotional needs, or is suffering the impact of inutero substance exposure, that needs addressing. Adoptive placements for such children can break down

If you know you can't do it, you shouldn't. It will only make him suffer and put a strain on your health. Ideally kids should be kept together, but its not always possible due to lots of reasons. Can your sister take both?

If the social services can get you to adopt them/ take responsibility for them I think you will find they are less helpful at providing services to help them. I know they can be very pushy but I would absoloutely REFUSE to adopt one or both until the necesary services are put in place by SS. Many people I know who foster or adopt are abandoned by the system once they take responsibility- don't let SS do this to you.

Don't dismiss the idea of your sister taking on one of the boys out of hand. Ideally siblings should be kept together but this isn't an ideal situation. You have cared for these boys for a year and a half and you know the pitfalls; as a previous poster says, once the children are adopted all the offers of support disappear and you are left to cope unaided.

Demand, and I do mean demand, consultations,with educational psychiatrists and psychologists about the effect of separating the brothers, and the impact of drugs on the younger boy, and see how closely you and your sister can work together in bringing them up.
You have been put in a horrible situation through feckless parents, and you have to consider your life and health as well. Don't be steamrolled by Social Services until you are very clear what is best for you and the boys.

You are in a terrible situation bjane you have my sympathy.
I agree with eazybee get more information and don't dismiss your own health concerns in all this. I hope you find a solution which works for all of you.

I just want to say that it isn’t always best for siblings to be kept together.

I know we all want to think that it’s a supportive relationship, but often it isn’t when the siblings have been raised in a difficult environment. Sibling bullying and abuse is very real.

There are two adults here who each feel they can give individual children the love and attention that they need and can make a difference to their lives.

Personally I think that would be better than the OP struggling with the needs of two and then possibly becoming ill.

The children could still keep in close contact with each other as both adoptions would be in the family.

bjane02 I can't help noticing your lack of response!
How old are the children? Are they old enough to discuss things with you and tell you how they feel? You do need professional help too, this isn't a couple of puppies we're re-homing.
Could you try a 'dry run' with the little boy going to his aunt for three or four of months just to see if they can cope with the separation? He might thrive on a one-to-one basis.

In the UK, Social Services would be involved, there would probably be a family conference, and the final decision would go to a Family Court, based on reports from all concerned. I have known cases like yours (my sympathies) and decisions depend on many factors, some of which have been mentioned above. Iam64 describes the orders that can be made in the UK, which are more flexible.

I have no doubt that with good will and efforts on everyone's part, the arrangement you describe could work. Indeed, I can think of two families where the children thrived in similar circumstances. However, it needs to be carefully discussed and mediated, and in the UK can involve mandated involvement of health services.

I know that in the US & other places, laws and practice vary by state. Are you able to ask for professional help to explore these possibilities?

Good luck

I don’t see how you can separate them. Could you adopt them but with your sister helping ?

Peasblossom

I just want to say that it isn’t always best for siblings to be kept together.

I know we all want to think that it’s a supportive relationship, but often it isn’t when the siblings have been raised in a difficult environment. Sibling bullying and abuse is very real.

There are two adults here who each feel they can give individual children the love and attention that they need and can make a difference to their lives.

Personally I think that would be better than the OP struggling with the needs of two and then possibly becoming ill.

The children could still keep in close contact with each other as both adoptions would be in the family.

I fully understand what you are saying, but the OP hasn’t mentioned anything about sibling abuse, simply that the younger sibling is “wildfire crazy”.

None of this is the OP’s fault and if she is struggling and can’t manage, that is in no way her fault either.

But let’s not pretend that splitting up the siblings in this way is going to be anything other than utterly traumatic for them. And will be yet another abandonment by a caregiver for the younger one.

OP

Is your sister fully aware of the issues with the youngest?
It is different to live it 24/7 vs having breaks in between (occasional caregiver, for example)

Well have to disagree a little GG65. The older sibling is a child too and shouldn’t have the responsibility of being a caregiver to the younger child.

The dependency and demands of one sibling upon a brother or sister can be very detrimental and can, when it is deliberately manipulative, be a form of abuse.

It’s sometimes a massive relief to a sibling to get away from that. The needs of the more dependent don’t necessarily come first.

We don’t know how these children feel but all I’m saying is keeping siblings together isn’t always the best for them.

ExD

bjane02 I can't help noticing your lack of response!
How old are the children? Are they old enough to discuss things with you and tell you how they feel? You do need professional help too, this isn't a couple of puppies we're re-homing.
Could you try a 'dry run' with the little boy going to his aunt for three or four of months just to see if they can cope with the separation? He might thrive on a one-to-one basis.

The boys are 4 & 5. I might mention that the oldest has a brain issue that requires a shunt and has developmental delays too. That with the younger one hyperactive it’s been a lot of work to manage them. I’m doing my best.

If my sister takes the younger one we’d transition slowly. He knows her already anyway. My sister has already adopted the brothers older sister as well. Not my granddaughter cause she has a different dad. So he’d be with his older sister. So of the 3 sibling group I’d have one and my sister would have 2. The thought is I help my oldest grandson with his delays and my sister helps the youngest with his hyperactivity.

I’m stressed thinking about it. I’m so disappointed in my son.

I am full of admiration for you bjane. You are doing a great job. I hope you make the best decision for all involved and I wish you well.

I think it a big mistake to separate the boys, you need help to all stay together, cannot your sister just support you in doing that, and be a loving Auntie. I don’t see why she must own own one, brothers need to be together. So sorry you have this awful problem, but it will get better if you get help. Splitting them up seems hard and will have repercussions their whole life.

i tend to think that proposal is the best option, OP.
some people have rigid ideas.
in an ideal world, the children would have caring competent parents. this whole situation is far from ideal.
how far away does your sister live.
my only question is whether you OP can realistically cope with all the on-going responsibility of raising one child with special needs.
how old are you. what is your health like. do you have a partner or other people around you to give support.
i don't agree that the brothers must be kept together at all costs. there are other considerations.
if they are adopted by strangers they will lose all contact with their birth family, and with you, so that would be another wrench.
when i was young i would have quite happily lived with my aunt; i used to go stay with her on saturday afternoon and sleep on the divan in her living room, going back sunday after church. it was walkable distance about a mile and a half. she used to wash my hair in the bath. and i could watch the long goods trains go past, across the scrubland where the bee keeper roamed, like a space-man. it was a happy time.
i think your/your sister's idea is a good one.