Age 16, and can't be asked!

The recipient of my card may feel happier for having been remembered by me.

Perhaps we should try and behave as my Mother taught me, ‘treat other people as you would like to be treated’ note not as you are treated but how you would like to be treated. Not necessarily easy I know but worth a try.

Alexa

I agree Doodledog cards are a waste of paper resources which cost forests, mills, and printing ink to produce. Paper letters as well.

However I do believe that a general view of waste of resources reveals meat- eating ,and passenger air transport are miles worse than written good wishes.May I be excused minor infringements if I never buy or eat pork and never fly?

I am not saying that anyone should or shouldn't send cards (or eat meat or fly, for that matter ). I don't think that people should send or not send them based on their own or the recipients' carbon footprint, either - that way madness lies ?.

All I am saying is that sending them in the expectation of getting them back, particularly if your friends and family don't share your views about cards, is asking to be disappointed.

I think that it is such a shame when this escalates to a 'should I stop sending them to grandchildren who never reciprocate' situation which could potentially cause family rifts that are entirely unnecessary.

Give it time. In the circumstances now she can see her friends again it is entirely understandable.

I agree Doodledog cards are a waste of paper resources which cost forests, mills, and printing ink to produce. Paper letters as well.

However I do believe that a general view of waste of resources reveals meat- eating ,and passenger air transport are miles worse than written good wishes.May I be excused minor infringements if I never buy or eat pork and never fly?

They symbolise that to you, Alexa, but not necessarily to others.

I honestly think that cards are dying out now, and will become less and less important as time goes by, and people are thinking more about the environment at the same time as there are more options for keeping in touch (eg social media).

It is in the crossover between one way of doing things and the other that feelings get hurt, which is a shame, as I am sure that none is intended.

Doodledog, regarding card sending you label me with egotistical intention.

I have introspected , and perhaps this is so. However please note I do also have helpful intentions towards any recipients of my cards.

Geekesse wrote:

--"Send cards if you wish. Don’t send cards if you don’t wish. Be grateful of you get a card from someone, but don’t expect cards from anyone. They are just bits o"--
I agree about cards as things. However loike so much else they are also symbols .Cards symbolise "I feel kindly towards you" when an explicit, expensive, or heavy expression might embarrass the recipient.

oldmum You are exactly right.

Absolutely.

I never understand the pain and anguish people put themselves through over cards. Who sends them, who forgets, who thanks them for sending them, and all the guilt-tripping that goes on over a bit of commercially produced card benefits nobody but the card-producers and sellers.

Some people like sending them and others don't - whether you get 100 cards or none, it is not personal, it just reflects the number of card-senders you have in your friends and family group. A lot of young people see them as bad for the environment and a waste of money.

Why would anyone consider stopping sending cards to their grandchildren to retaliate for not getting them back? If you believe that cards are necessary, then send them. If you see them as a means of getting one back, and that hasn't happened, then don't. It feels a bit transactional to me, but each to her own.

MerylStreep

I think I’d more concerned if my 16 yr old granddaughter preferred her grandparents company to her friends ?

Me too. Although mine are younger so I will wait and see ?

And even if they do come they may be texting their friends.
They've had a most unusual year and need to get back to some kind of normality.

Seriously. Teenagers don't even want to spend much time with their parents any more. They are really not going to be cool with weekly visits to grandma. Let the poor thing have a life. If you see grandkids once a month count yourselves blessed. If you see them at all during Covid, thank God fasting.

Try connecting with dgd on some acceptable form of social media and just let her know she's always welcome. That's all any grandmother has a right to expect from a modern teenager. Be glad they don't live in Australia!

Alexa

I accept the majority advice on the forum about not expecting adult grandchildren to visit. What about sending them cards at birthdays and Christmas if they never send those to me?

What is this obsession that people on GN have about birthday and Christmas cards? It’s not just you, Alexa; it comes up quite often. Send cards if you wish. Don’t send cards if you don’t wish. Be grateful of you get a card from someone, but don’t expect cards from anyone. They are just bits of decorated cardboard, for goodness’ sake!

I have always found that the best way to keep children is to set them free. I have yet to see if that works with DGC, but I have a few years to wait yet.

I accept the majority advice on the forum about not expecting adult grandchildren to visit. What about sending them cards at birthdays and Christmas if they never send those to me?

How I remember the guilt tripping over visiting grandparents.

This really spoilt my relationships with my parents and it lasted well beyond my teens.

Well into my twenties and newly married we lived some distance from my family. Every time we visited my parents for a few days we were expected to go and visit three different sets of elderly relatives and spend half a day doing it.

Eventually I rebelled and it caused an almighty row. Think I didn’t speak to my parents for the best part of a year after that.

Do not guilt trip your granddaughter I this way. Keep communication open and accept she has her own busy life and social circle. It hurts when they move on, but it’s part of growing up and normal. With luck she will remember the good times and seek out your company again in a few years.

I confess I am often bewildered by the number of grandmothers on GN starting threads because they are so upset by quite trivial things grand children have done or said. Little ones avoiding them or shouting at them. teenagers behaving like teenagers.

Sometimes I wonder whether these grandmothers were ever mothers . It is not just that they show such a lack of knowlwdge of childrens behaviour at different ages, but I am left wondering why their own self esteem is so dependent on the behaviour of a child.

My parents totally ruined a lovely relationship with my son, by taking it personally when he turned down Sunday lunches in favour of time with friends
He was so upset at the guilt tripping and cold shoulder he got when he did see them that he pulled away completely. It wasn't mended before my dad died, and although he got really close to my mum again, it was only a year or so before he was killed by a drug driver at only 22.
Please don't take it personally, it's so natural for teens to forge their own way. We all need to keep a sense of humour and just ease up.

I think we have to adapt to the changes in their lives. Meeting for a coffee after school, perhaps suggesting a weekday evening fish and chips where you could run/walk her home - maybe these are easier to slot in to her life? Taking her shopping/doing something you know she will be interested in can help to build a more adult relationship between you. It also takes the pressure off talking - something teenagers aren't always in the mood to do.
Soon she may be at uni or working and the offer of a free meal will be very attractive - but you may have to take her out rather than her coming home to you so much.

You've probably missed your family a lot, but she just wants her fun time now, and who can blame her?

I know your post is mainly about your GDG but I did wonder where your SIL comes into this particular discussion, and how much your relationship with your GDG depends on him and his goodwill.

OP Whoever receives the invitation should be the one to reply on behalf of those invited. Why not send a separate invitation directly to your granddaughter? Hopefully, she will be polite enough to reply. ?

Its normal.She is growing up finding her feet and spending time withher friends.Give her a few years and she will be back to see you and share her life.Dont make an issue of it or she will be even more reluctant to come and spend time with you.

I do recall being 16, then as now it wasn't "cool" to go to Grandparents.
I'm now a grandmother and my GC visit when they like (Covid allowing of course) and I would certainly never put pressure on my AC or any of my GC for the GC to visit. Those GC of mine over 16 have part time jobs as well as studying so their own leisure time is very restricted.
My theory??? Let them grow in their own way.......hold them back and lose them forever.

16 years old That says it all!

What 16 year old wants to regularly spend time with their father and Grandparents on a regular basis. Think back to when you were that age I know I certainly didn’t.

Sunday at grandparents - good job we were never like that