Age 16, and can't be asked!

It's about balance really. I think it is incumbent on a parent to reiterate the importance of family relationships in a way that doesn't guilt trip a young person. I have always asked my children to make a little time for their Grandparents but it might not be a visit, just as text or a phone call. The only way young people learn about these things is by their parents teaching them.
I know many of my son's friends parents have absolutely insisted that their offspring should be present at family visits, meals, etc. Whilst it was tedious for them at the time, it is interesting to see that they are very accepting of it now they are older and can see the value of it. We've used a lighter approach and I'm not sure now that we shouldn't have been a little heavier handed. My sister's children were never made to so much as text. They are completely absent from their wider family and I do think that is a little sad.

Ginjeannie. I'm going through something similar. I have 2 teenage grandaughters. Who live 5 mins away. The 16yr old. Comes visits on the odd occasion. Whereas before Covid,she was always coming down. Think it's an age thing. Plus being at home not seeing friends. I was upset at first. But don't worry so much now. I text a couple of times a week, just asking how she is. Etc.

GinJeannie. Please tread very carefully. I wonder whether you concentrate too much on her when she is with you, questioning her about her activities etc. My mother and father in law did this with my elder son. Having told them he was dyslexic, FiL would fire spellings and tables at him. It was horrendous. By 14 my son refused to go, I didn’t blame him at all. I just told them he had too much homework. They had traumatised him so much he never did want to spend any time with them.

I think it is probably called 'independence'. very heartbreaking for you but, as with our children, we also have to let our GC fly the nest as well and at 16, I am surprised she hasn't gone earlier. What about arranging 'just you and her time' - lunch, shopping, treats etc - not regularly or set in concrete but 2/3 times a month maybe. She might like the independence of having you all to herself .

Don’t put pressure on her or her Dad to turn up particularly at the moment and at that age. They’re already having to handle so many expectations and a rigid school routine it can get a bit overwhelming at 16. Much better to be a happy presence in the background with no pressure and no guilt trips that she will want to return to when she’s in the mood.
I remember once seeing my in-laws with my husband but without the children who were busy elsewhere and my MIL said how lovely it was to have us all to herself for once without the children. Just enjoy whoever comes to see you out of choice and they’ll all want to return.

Just let her make her own way and choices. I doubt it is personal. She is just being a normal teenager...

My son and daughter in law have both said that they will not be having their COVID vaccination. They don’t seem to have any real reason except that they are young and have no underlying conditions and the fact that you can still get it and transmit it. I am really disappointed with their decision and don’t feel that I want to meet them indoors in the future. Unfortunately that means I won’t see my grand daughter who is 9 either but if that’s the way it has to be then so be it

I was in tears (of happiness) yesterday when my 20 year old grandson knocked on the door, holding two blankets, and asking to come in to the garden for a catch-up.

He wrapped me in one blanket and himself in another, and talked non-stop for 2 hours about his life since leaving school. He lives 10 minutes away and I haven't seen him for nearly 4 years! I was so happy. The grumpy years are over and my previously loving grandson is back.

It will happen, but in its own time.

Sending comforting hugs

Been through similar myself and its hard at first. But as everyone else has said so wisely its best to bite your tongue and just give them space. I’ve always drilled into my own kids that they should live their own lives and never fall into the “ duty” visits and phone calls. Christmas, Easter etc do as they wish, come, or not if they have a better offer, and we will catch up when we can. No offence taken. The door is always open for them and now for GC too. And come they do. And we know its because they choose to.

In our experience once DGC get into their teens they don't really want to see much of grandparents.
My son brings them around when they have nothing much planned but there is football, parties etc to work round (theirs not ours!!) so it is not as much as we used to see them.
I just accept it & make the most of seeing them when we can.
I know they love us & they know we love them. I don't think I saw much of my DGPs when I was in my teens either. It's just the way it is & perfectly natural.

Awww its hard when they withdraw but like everyone says its just normal behaviour. Mine aren`t that age yet but I think I would just accept it. She knows you love her and where you are when she needs you.

Sunday at grandparents - good job we were never like that

What 16 year old wants to regularly spend time with their father and Grandparents on a regular basis. Think back to when you were that age I know I certainly didn’t.

16 years old That says it all!

I do recall being 16, then as now it wasn't "cool" to go to Grandparents.
I'm now a grandmother and my GC visit when they like (Covid allowing of course) and I would certainly never put pressure on my AC or any of my GC for the GC to visit. Those GC of mine over 16 have part time jobs as well as studying so their own leisure time is very restricted.
My theory??? Let them grow in their own way.......hold them back and lose them forever.

Its normal.She is growing up finding her feet and spending time withher friends.Give her a few years and she will be back to see you and share her life.Dont make an issue of it or she will be even more reluctant to come and spend time with you.

OP Whoever receives the invitation should be the one to reply on behalf of those invited. Why not send a separate invitation directly to your granddaughter? Hopefully, she will be polite enough to reply. ?

I think we have to adapt to the changes in their lives. Meeting for a coffee after school, perhaps suggesting a weekday evening fish and chips where you could run/walk her home - maybe these are easier to slot in to her life? Taking her shopping/doing something you know she will be interested in can help to build a more adult relationship between you. It also takes the pressure off talking - something teenagers aren't always in the mood to do.
Soon she may be at uni or working and the offer of a free meal will be very attractive - but you may have to take her out rather than her coming home to you so much.

You've probably missed your family a lot, but she just wants her fun time now, and who can blame her?

I know your post is mainly about your GDG but I did wonder where your SIL comes into this particular discussion, and how much your relationship with your GDG depends on him and his goodwill.

My parents totally ruined a lovely relationship with my son, by taking it personally when he turned down Sunday lunches in favour of time with friends
He was so upset at the guilt tripping and cold shoulder he got when he did see them that he pulled away completely. It wasn't mended before my dad died, and although he got really close to my mum again, it was only a year or so before he was killed by a drug driver at only 22.
Please don't take it personally, it's so natural for teens to forge their own way. We all need to keep a sense of humour and just ease up.

I confess I am often bewildered by the number of grandmothers on GN starting threads because they are so upset by quite trivial things grand children have done or said. Little ones avoiding them or shouting at them. teenagers behaving like teenagers.

Sometimes I wonder whether these grandmothers were ever mothers . It is not just that they show such a lack of knowlwdge of childrens behaviour at different ages, but I am left wondering why their own self esteem is so dependent on the behaviour of a child.

How I remember the guilt tripping over visiting grandparents.

This really spoilt my relationships with my parents and it lasted well beyond my teens.

Well into my twenties and newly married we lived some distance from my family. Every time we visited my parents for a few days we were expected to go and visit three different sets of elderly relatives and spend half a day doing it.

Eventually I rebelled and it caused an almighty row. Think I didn’t speak to my parents for the best part of a year after that.

Do not guilt trip your granddaughter I this way. Keep communication open and accept she has her own busy life and social circle. It hurts when they move on, but it’s part of growing up and normal. With luck she will remember the good times and seek out your company again in a few years.

I accept the majority advice on the forum about not expecting adult grandchildren to visit. What about sending them cards at birthdays and Christmas if they never send those to me?

I have always found that the best way to keep children is to set them free. I have yet to see if that works with DGC, but I have a few years to wait yet.

Alexa

I accept the majority advice on the forum about not expecting adult grandchildren to visit. What about sending them cards at birthdays and Christmas if they never send those to me?

What is this obsession that people on GN have about birthday and Christmas cards? It’s not just you, Alexa; it comes up quite often. Send cards if you wish. Don’t send cards if you don’t wish. Be grateful of you get a card from someone, but don’t expect cards from anyone. They are just bits of decorated cardboard, for goodness’ sake!

Seriously. Teenagers don't even want to spend much time with their parents any more. They are really not going to be cool with weekly visits to grandma. Let the poor thing have a life. If you see grandkids once a month count yourselves blessed. If you see them at all during Covid, thank God fasting.

Try connecting with dgd on some acceptable form of social media and just let her know she's always welcome. That's all any grandmother has a right to expect from a modern teenager. Be glad they don't live in Australia!