New nanny - feeling a little left out

Gigi2

A Revolution is needed! Dons have become such hands-on fathers these days and yet the rights of paternal grandparents are yet to change - I have two sons and the cry I hear all the time is that maternal grandparents see grandchildren far more. The ‘new’ mother should realise that we have rights too. It starts with mother of the bridegroom having 2nd class status and advances from there! So make a stand all you mothers of sons!

Rights?? Really?

GP’s have no rights.

Maybe instead of demanding “rights”, try (as many mothers/fathers have on here) building a relationship with the partner of an adult child based on respect, kindness and understanding.

Making a stand as you put it is (IMO) a path to defensiveness, bad communication and mismatched expectations.

A couple marries one another - it’s lovely if the extended family grow to love one another, but that’s not always the case. So again I go back to, understanding kindness and respect - you know, like adults?!

It has always been that way and I can’t see it changing somehow. It is a time when mum is needed, not mum in law really. Nothing to do with ‘rights’, that doesn’t enter into it.

Gigi2

A Revolution is needed! Dons have become such hands-on fathers these days and yet the rights of paternal grandparents are yet to change - I have two sons and the cry I hear all the time is that maternal grandparents see grandchildren far more. The ‘new’ mother should realise that we have rights too. It starts with mother of the bridegroom having 2nd class status and advances from there! So make a stand all you mothers of sons!

No.
If this is how you treat your DIL, you have no one but yourself to blame for being at arms length.

You have no rights to a child who is not yours.

are you serious Gigi ?
i don't think talk of rights in this situation will get you very far.
you have no rights at all.
if a man whether married or not, has not bothered much with, or is not close to, his parents, why would those parents expect to suddenly invade his family's space just because of the draw of a new toy, or baby.
also, since it is women who have to go through the trauma of giving birth, it is natural that the woman will want her own mother, if she wants anyone else, around to support her.
her own mother has seen her naked, has tended her through illness and messiness, and above all will be there for her, not just to come play with baby.
such a lot of egotistical nonsense and self-serving self-delusion around this topic.

A Revolution is needed! Dons have become such hands-on fathers these days and yet the rights of paternal grandparents are yet to change - I have two sons and the cry I hear all the time is that maternal grandparents see grandchildren far more. The ‘new’ mother should realise that we have rights too. It starts with mother of the bridegroom having 2nd class status and advances from there! So make a stand all you mothers of sons!

Dear Redhead56. So sorry! As an experienced survivor of this minefield from all directions (my MIL insisted on riding with my 1st H and I in the car for the birth of our SECOND child, all while moaning about her 22 hours of labor delivering my husband & shaking my shoulder while she laughed), I suggest buying something you know she loves & making an appt. to see JUST HER. Be sure to tell her you have something special for her. Tell her you feel you nay have hurt her feelings, etc. Explain that you are so fond of her & this has been bothering you for sooo long, but you didn't know how to approach it. Tell her you realize how much she relied on you, and you weren't, IN ANY WAY, trying to leave her in the lurch. You were simply giving your daughter the same love & devotion you'd given her & her child. Ask her earnestly to please forgive any hurts you may've caused. Offer a couple of hours she can count on every two weeks at the same time. Then kiss her & hug her. Then go home & vent & consume large quantities of alcohol. Good luck!

I'm a maternal grandmother and not wanted at all. The pain is indescribable. I'd sit back, be patient and be grateful for any time you can get.

Congratulations on your new status! Can understand your frustrations, but just let things settle

Hi there. My first grandchild was born on 7th April, to my daughter, who had previously suffered five miscarriages, so he is extremely precious. He was full term but only 6lbs. My daughter is married to a Frenchman and lives near Paris. My son in law's parents live five minutes away. I am stuck in England, desperate to see my grandson and daughter and son in law. There is no language barrier, as I am fluent in French, being a retired MFL teacher. I understand your frustration, but imagine mine, and that of countless other grandmothers, whose new grandchildren live abroad. You are fortunate. Imagine being so far away, in a pandemic, when travelling is only just opening up again. I now have a Eurostar booked for the first week in June, but I am facing extortionate travel costs and all the hassle of covid19 tests and quarantine after I return. You may feel hard done by, but your situation is nothing when compared with mine. Try to be there for your daughter in law, without stifling her. I am having to contend with the knowledge that the paternal grandparents are right there, round the corner, and I am stuck in the UK. I have granny friends whose grandchildren are in the USA, China and Australia. Count your blessings and just be there for the new family. Causing friction at this stage will only bring trouble later on. Be a lovely mum in law. Give them time, and only then would I tactfully explain your feelings to your son. Good luck. And think about me when you're feeling down. Things could be so much worse!!!!

As a soon to be first time grandmother this is interesting for me. What I will try to remember is how overwhelmed I felt when I had my first daughter and I expect this new mum feels the same. She will be very hormonal, tearful, trying to feed, feeling exhausted etc. It’s natural she turns to her own mum first. This is a delicate time and needs careful handling. Back off a bit is my advice but let them know you’re there if needed. As others have said, make a few meals, drop them off with no expectations to get inside, be supportive but not full on and you will reap the softly approach in years to come. I know with my own daughter, currently 7 months pregnant, she gets snappy and is hormonal and worrying about it all. I back off, give her time and she gets over it. Hope this helps.

Send some ready prepared meals round perhaps in disposable containers, don't burden them with having to return dishes. that would be a well recieved token of your concern, offer to just leave it outside and text when you have got back in the car.

I totally get it. But, it's very early days. at 3 weeks old the baby is probably exhausting both of them, mum is probably feeling overwhelmed and leaning on her mum... Dad is trying to support mum, feeling useless, just wanting everyone to be happy...
How lucky is this grandchild to be so loved and wanted by it's parents and both sets of grandparents?
Play the long game and let everything settle down. Ensure that you give rather than take. Make their life easier whilst they become accustomed, tell them they're doing a grand job, cook nutritious and lovely treats like flap jack, nut bars, or things that can simply be microwaved by 2 exhausted new parents.
I get it, I really do as the mum of 3 sons. But every grandparent is special in different ways. Let the dust settle and rejoice. You have much fun and love along the way.

Nanny to .. I understand how your feeling. New parents always seem to gravitate towards the babies mothers parents. It's not intentional it's just natural, it doesn't mean they think any less of you, although you may feel like it does, but your daughter in laws parents know their daughter the best, and if she had a good happy upbringing she is probably copying that way of doing things, so her mother will know more about the routines etc. Please try not to be too overwhelming towards your daughter in law, she will eventually become resentful of the constant ( as she will see it) interference. Please understand she's a busy new mum, who's trying to cope with everything her new life with a baby has thrown at her. She'll probably be tired anxious and extremely busy. My advice would be to make contact less frequently and not for a long length of time, then she won't feel too pressured, once she settles herself and baby into a routine, you'll be made very welcome. But I do think as your sons mother, you do need to back off a bit to avoid unpleasant interactions later on, I'm speaking from experience here, I know your hurting but in the long run I hope your patience is rewarded. Good luck.

I’m a maternal Nan and when the first go was born I was there a lot, add was very ill and rptraumatised from a difficult birth. 2nd came along and although I went there she didn’t need me so much.3rd came and I was hardly there at all!
Dad needs changed and I felt for the other Nan, but she knew dad would want her mum and she now has a brilliant elation ship with my dad and all the grandkids.
I had to keep my own counsel a lot when helping out,and my dad wouldn’t have wanted her mail to see the emotional wreck she was in the early weeks.Lucky mil!I was spared nothing!

I'd feel overwhelmed if anyone texted me every day. Especially if I was caring for a new baby. I would actually feel like avoiding someone that made that much contact. We're all different, some might love it, but maybe your DIL doesn't.
Give it time, give them a bit of space.
Congrats and hope it all slots into place in good time.

I feel for you my sil rules the roost his mother has priority at all times .Throughout pandemic his mum see the kids every Thursday evening and Sunday lunch .We get 10 minutes in the garden unless my DD wants shoes or clothes for the DGD s
We live in the next village and other granny lives miles away but makes no difference I'm always sad .End up walking up to bump onto them on way back from school

It used to be easier didn't it, when our/my generation was kept in hospital for a week with a first baby? Hopefully we were more refreshed and confident after the birth, as we got much more sleep, and advice about feeding, bathing etc was always on hand. Visitors only at set times, but they usually got a cuddle with the baby. So all family and friends had a good, but time limited, share of the baby. Your new little family, no doubt, got sent home asap to cope as best they could. Your OH is right, it's very early days and they're going to be exhausted, working hard and worrying. They can't tell you that every night in a text!

I think grandtanteJE65's advice is spot on, including the lovely text she suggested.

Offering 'help' is a bit vague so why not call around occasionally (def not more than once a week) in passing, as I get the impression that you're not too far away, to drop off a home bake (or even shop bought) of something you know DiL in particular likes. Could you buy, make or knit a little item of clothing you think she would like for GS? Or take a gift token for her favourite children's shop? Maybe some flowers if she likes them. Not too much, don't overwhelm them. If you do call though, do not stay for a coffee etc even if asked. If asked, have a peek at the baby and go. If you're going to the supermarket, ask if there is anything they want dropping off. Wait to be specifically invited to go around and stay longer as they might feel they have to tidy up a bit when they have 'visitors'. Then they might appreciate a quiet hour while you take baby out in the pram. As others have said, when they are feeling a bit more confident, she'll probably feel she wants to try to manage without her DM a bit more and things could become easier for you. Do invite them around to see you on occasion then and make your home as relaxed and child-friendly as possible.
I don't agree with having a quiet word with your son though at this stage, that would certainly have annoyed me if my MiL had done that. She never did, and she never travelled to visit us btw, but they were so lovely that we visited them every week. Bide your time, have patience, and congratulations!

Like you Jumblygran, I would be very different to my own mil since becoming one myself some years ago. We did end up really good friends, but in the early years I know I did exclude her in favour of my own family. When she was widowed she became a greater part of our lives and was a huge help with our family. She would drop anything to help and always said “family comes first”. Something that I have carried forward as I am sure most of us do.

Congratulations on becoming a nanny! It is the best thing ever and although you may feel a bit left out I don't think it is necessary to text them every night, that could become a bit irritating. As the baby gets older I am sure you will have more opportunities to babysit and to have the child over to stay etc but at this young age his mum probably only wants her own mum around. Keep in touch with them but don't hassle them and as the above person said, your time will come!

I am also in the same position Nannyto. It is sad, difficult and upsetting BUT it is their baby, their time to set up their new little family and your job to 'just be there'

I phone once a week, send an occasional text and turn up if I get an invitation. And yes DIL parents are there all the time and are practically running the house and I'm glad they are

I have been thinking a lot about this lately and realise that is the yearning to get back to the happy days when my own little family was growing and the warmth and motherliness that kept us all cosy and close. I miss those days, and maybe you do too?

We seem to continually grieve the loss of our little ones, even though we have them as grown-ups and trying to recreate that feeling is part of wanting to be close to our grandchildren perhaps?

As others have said, your day will come. A child can never have too many grandparents!

Congratulations, I would let them know you are here anytime they need a couple of hours to themselves, which they will hopefully take you up on your offer just as soon as they feel ready. Don't worry because they will need your help at some point and then you can spoil him with love.

Congratulations. It is still very early days so do n't worry. Stop messaging every day -its a bit OTT. They are settling into They know you are happy to help and there will come a time when they welcome and need this. maybe treat them to a takeaway or send them a treat from the internet - show them you know they ned time as a new family. Lots of time in the future for get togethers.

Fairness has absolutely nothing to do with how often anyone sees anyone else's child. If your Dil wants to see her mother, she has a right to see her mother. If she sees her mum every day, that still has nothing to do with you. Her mum is probably there for her, not just for the baby.

Messaging every day and clamouring for visits sends a message that the baby is more important than anyone, and the you love your grandchild more than your own son. Not a good message to send.

Stop texting, stop expecting visits, and send your son and Dil a nice pamper sort of package with stuff just for them.

It is not your dil's responsibility to facilitate your relationship with your grandchild. That is your son's responsibility. If, in the future, he doesn't do that, don't put the blame on her. She didn't raise him.

We felt a little like you when our grandson was born. DIL mum seemed to be round 24/7, despite us offering to help out too. However, re-wind 9 months when mum wanted to go back to work, I was then good enough to look after him 3 days a week 8 hours a day!! Her mum was no-where to be seen. It was hard work some days but I loved every minute of it, even though I know that ‘Grannie’ will have been asked before me but for what ever reason turned it down, her loss! Now GS is nearly 6 and he’s all us!!! So don’t be too put out at this stage even though it’s a natural reaction, your time will come! Lorraine x

We are paternal grans to our first (and only) granddaughter born in August 2020. We live in the U.S. and our son and DIL and gd live in the UK. When gd was born, our son sent plenty of photos, and we Face Timed. We typically Face Time once per week, which is awesome. We've had our flights booked twice and cancelled due to pandemic, and now we have flights booked in late June...hoping the quarantine will be lifted. We are elated to be grans. Initially, our son and dil asked that we visit two months after her birth to let them get their feet on the ground and adjust to parenthood and establish routines. We honored their request and understood their needs to not have extended visitors right away. In the U.S. welcoming a new baby is very different -- grandparents seem more involved; visitors are welcome; and baby showers or "gender reveal parties" are held. In the UK, things are done differently. We're ok with that. We sent flowers after the birth of our gran; and we sent emails; received pics; and our son sent us favorite websites in the UK (Kidly; Jo Jo Mama) to send gifts directly to their home and avoid postage fees. There are many ways to love our granddaughter and be involved, without being intrusive or overbearing. Ask your son and DIL what they need most at this time. Three weeks with a newborn in the house, especially if it is the firstborn, is a huge adjustment, especially during the lockdown. Be sensitive and accepting at this time.