New nanny - feeling a little left out

Hi Nannyto
Congrats on your new baby grandson.
Of course it's natural that your DIL would feel closer to her own Mum so please try not to feel left out.
Just offer your support, either in practical terms or other as needed.
There are lots of things you can do, like dropping off some cooked food, some home-made goodies, cakes etc.
Right now they are trying to adjust to their new baby and coping with feeding. changing and caring for him.
It's exhausting as we all remember. Your DIL may be trying to establish breast feeding and some sort of new routine surrounding the baby. I would say give them some space and let them know you're there when they need you.
Enjoy the exciting days ahead, there's plenty of time.

Congratulations Nannyto!

Our 8th DGC was born last week to my youngest son and DiL. We were invited to meet him three days after he was born, DiLs mum is staying to help out as you would expect. Of course we were besotted, but apart from a couple of texts there has been no further contact, and nor would I expect there to be. I would try to wait for a response to a text before sending another one. Yes, it's hard, but it will pay dividends in the future if you don't seem too needy now. If you are at all craft minded, why not start making something for the little one, that will help you to feel that you are doing something? You have wonderful times ahead of you!

Before baby:

How often did you call them?
How many visits to your home and for how long?
How often did the parents call you and visit you?

Please do not expect an increase in frequency just because baby is here.

If anything, the frequency may be less because they are busier than before.

It is not personal, the parents are rearranging their priorities and you might not be as high in their list as you wish

If you feel left out, it usually due to unmatched expectations.

Contacting them daily is way too much, i would dial it down to twice a week max and wait for them to contact you, including visits.
Please wait to be invited.

Please do not compare yourself with anybody else, including the maternal grandmother.

The relationship with the parents and baby is not determined by whose side you belong to (paternal or maternal), but from the previous relationship you had with them - before baby

With my own daughter, I went to stay for a week when she came home from hospital but I'd been there four days before I actually held my baby granddaughter.
It was full-on for me running the house for them: doing the laundry, cooking, loading and unloading the dishwasher, cleaning, gardening, walking the dog, you name it!

They have a second baby due this month but I know what my role is again, this time with a four year old to help care for as well ?

Yes, I agree with above comments. It is really early, and you need to be patient. Girls do tend to gravitate towards their own mums, unless there are problems there, as in the case of one of my DIL’s.

Don’t worry, be an onlooker for now, and your time will come. Congratulations by the way ?

Shandy
Remember it well!

What is your relationship like with the other GPs? You obviously all live in the same area. You might have them round for morning coffee or afternoon tea, to celebrate your joint grandchild.

I remember those early days, my stitches really hurt, my son wouldn't stop crying, and the house was tip.

Let them have a few more weeks to settle into a routine and I'm sure you will be invited round.

Just to add , have a great relationship with my DIL, GD now 2 and a half.
When they come for lunch or whatever and Mummy and Daddy say "Time to go home now " she invariably says "You go, I'll stay with Nanny "
Not that she is remotely spoiled of course !!

I was very involved with our GC when born along with maternal gran for over two years. Being there long days and over night sometimes it was extremely tiring but I wanted to help. All the time my DH spending lonely hours on his own and never complaining.
My new GC was born I decided I should be available for my DD. I still offered help when really needed but not on a time table. I will say our relationships have changed I have had to bite my tongue a great deal!
Then came lockdown our visits were dropping shopping off at the front door and waving.
We get to see GC once a week now. We see our DD once a week she does make arrangements to see my DS and family. But is often let down last minute it upsets her but its my DIL being awkward.
We have yet to see our three GC together as it’s never seems possible to be arranged. What can I say enjoy your GS when you see him be available when you can and offer help. A paternal gran quite often takes a back seat unless needed??

I don’t know how close your relationship is with your daughter in law, but unless it’s very close, she probably won’t really want you around, she’ll be feeling tired and tearful possibly, and needs to make a lot of adjustments.
I would back off, just let them know you’re available should they need you, it will happen, they need time that’s all.
Time and time again we hear about paternal grandparents feeling sidelined, I think maybe you have to accept that, but you’ll hopefully be a much loved person in your little grandsons life.

Oh, please don't feel you are being left out.
Think back to your first - it is a huge change and brings a plethora of emotions, let alone the practicalities ! No amount of reading/ googling/ advice can ever prepare you for the reality.
I am a paternal Nanny and knew DIL would want her Mum as I did in the early days of giving birth. Didn't bother me at all.
Be patient and wait - sure you will be involved once they come up for air !

Your DILs parents are their for their daughter not just the baby, she's 3 weeks postpartum so she will be alot more comfortable around her parents.
The recovery is not nice and she might just want her mum.

Be paitent and congratulations!

I think that three weeks after giving birth, the person you most want to have around is your mum? It’s not that they’re excluding you from time with the baby (even if it feels like that) it’s that the other parents are there to support their daughter more than being with the baby.

I know you want to help too. It’s just really, there’s no one like like your own mum and dad when you’re sore, tired and overwhelmed.

Like whitewavemark said, there’s plenty of time.

Please dont message them every night! They have enough to do as other posters have said. Cut it down to maybe once or twice a week no matter how it pains you. Otherwise it will come across as pushy.

I agree with nanKate.
Early days to start feeling left out.

I definitely don’t mean to sound unsympathetic but the child is only three weeks old.....please don’t start on the jealousy thing already or it will eat you up. Make sure you have other things in your life and I don’t recommend the non stop texting !

Congratulations on your new grandson Nannyto there are lots of happy times to come with him and his family.
Having a new baby in the house is very tiring if you remember and everyone has to get into a routine of sorts. Take a step back now, don't message every day but let them know you are there if they need help. Practical things are needed, laundry, meals, shopping etc. Keepingquiet is right, it's a team effort you all play your part.

I'm wondering how many times you have been over to see them in the past three weeks? I would back off and let them settle down to a new routine. Maybe wait until they ask you over? How often your Dil sees her mother is not really in the frame, there's no need to keep a note the and let it wound you. If you don't redefine your expectations you are going to be in for years of upset.

Nannyto Didn't mean to appear negative so sorry if I did. A friend once said to me 'If you are hungry then you should not be picky with the crumbs you are thrown'.

It is very upsetting when you feel left out, whether you actually are or not. Take it from someone who knows. We have one DIL who has included us from the birth of our granddaughter since she was an hour old. We have another DIL who has continually gaslighted us along with her parents I might add for four years. Hence, our two grandsons have given us pleasure but the pain being involved when allowed has been torturous. In short, take what is on offer if you want to be included. Develop a very strong body armour. It is the only way.

Good post keeping

You should be on the sidelines- watching a match in which your son and his wife are feeding, changing, keeping the house tidy, maybe even working and paying bills etc etc. They need you shouting from the sidelines and motivating them to keep going. Being on the sidelines is where you will always be as a paternal grandparent but where would the team be without supporters?
It is teamwork and soon you will find a more active part but for now just wear the team colours and keep rooting for them!

This happens to the best of us?. New grandchild= overwhelming love = urgent need to help, cuddle, change nappies etc.

Brand new parents needing to find their feet and deal with their own emotions. Need to keep keen grandparents at arms length for a bit.

But it all settles down.

You have years now to build a relationship with your grandchildren, and it isn’t hard. I’m into my 21 st year with the first one and I adore him as much as I did at the start of his life, if not more. Hearing him say “hello nan” and then sitting with me telling me all about life/girl friend/ university course etc it is wonderful.
I am privileged that any crises (thankfully very few) he has turned up at our door seeking guidance ( I’m usually warned by DD he is coming and the problem)
You have so much to look forward to??

You can tell that feeling you are experiencing never leaves you?????