Multigenerational household

Jellygran
That sounds like a very nice arrangement, as you say, really important to have your own space.

My mother moved in with my husband and I, 4 years ago. We own the house and she sold hers. She pays us rent. This was her decision. She helps clean, we take turns to cook meals. She has a bed room, her own fridge and her own lounge. We go shopping and outings together. It works really well. We all need our own space and meet up for meals and at 9pm to watch a film together. It works really well.

My DM moved in with us for the last six years of her life. She paid for an extension and, when she died, that was my inheritance. My sister got the equivalent in cash. We had it all drawn up properly, with DM's share of the property being a third (so that the value of her contribution rose as the value of the house rose.) We also made wills, leaving our share to our kids and DM as their guardian. If we were all dead, everything went to DM. We could have left her a life interest in the property but I wanted to know that she could buy a smaller house and have some money, if I wasn't there to take care of her. I didn't trust my sister to do so.

So my main advice would be to make sure that the legal side is done properly, and try to take care of as many possible situations as you can. I did used to worry about what would happen if I died and DH remarried, but there was nothing I could do to protect DM in that situation. She would just have had to buy a little house. You can't take care of every possible situation.

We also had our DD and her first partner living with us for 15 years. They had children and we helped lots with childcare. Be prepared for the fact that they will take it for granted that you will look after the kids. I didn't mind but, if you do, say so at the first opportunity. (I admit that we took my DM's help for granted too.) DH loved having the children here but never really liked DD's partner very much. Fortunately they didn't see much of each other till DH retired but it created tension sometimes. Think about how you all get along.

Also, think about what you will do if your DD's relationship breaks up. Our DD met someone else and they moved in to a house together. Her ex stayed at our house. We wanted him to go and tried to hint, but didn't like to tell him to his face - partly because we were embarrassed but mainly because the children still slept at our house several nights a week and spent time with him. He stayed for a year. Eventually, Covid-19 began, we had to isolate, the kids had to live full-time with DD and the ex finally moved out, with me telling him in a diplomatic way not to come back. So that's another thing to think about - if the situation becomes awkward, can you say what is bothering you or are you a total wuss, like we were? xxx

My first thoughts were that you should make sure you are financially protected if the relationship sadly fails. Also have outside interests so that you don’t become the full time childcare. Having said that I wish you well in this exciting project.

No hints but sounds exciting and lovely ?

Nanny27
How old are your grandchildren?

I’d think very, very carefully about whether you want to be a constantly ‘on tap’ baby sitter.

When I was a girl my father wanted his aging parents to stay close by, so he built an annexe for them and they moved in. It was nice being close to my grandparents and grandma in particular was a wonderful jolly old lady. Unfortunately one day my parents fell out with them and there was a lot of shouting between them. Grandma called my father "You little worm" which thinking back was funny as she was under 5ft tall and he was 5ft 8. My grandparents left next day and were never reconciled. I never knew what the problem was. Dad let the annexe to an elderly widow.

Sure you will have really considered what this means for you and the others. As suggested, make sure your investment is well protected. If a separate annex is created then you will need separate utility bills and Council tax if there is no connection between the two properties. You do seem to be taking on a lot of responsibility with the property and childcare.

I second the advice regarding a proper legal agreement between you and eventuality clauses if your daughter and her partner decide to move, or have to at some point due to work.

What happens if you need sheltered accommodation later on?

We are a right set of Job's comforters, aren't we?

I am sure this kind of arrangement can work very well, I know of families were it has, so I hope you will read the advice given here in the spirit in which it was meant.

In the "communes" of the 1970s and 1980s no bones were made about having house rules and holding a weekly or monthly meeting to tackle any problems that had arisen and make plans for future expenditure or allocating household tasks. It worked well, so you might want to discuss it with the your daughter and her partner.

It sounds lovely, MattsMum, but be careful you aren’t just there because your money is needed.

I’m sure you will find it lovely having your family so close by, but with your own front door!

I do wonder if you are having second thoughts to have asked the question here.

When my marriage broke down when my son was a baby, I had to move in with my parents.
We worked it out that we divided the housework between us, As the kitchen was my mum's domain, she did the cooking (nothing I ever did was right, my methods were all wrong so it was safer that way to avoid rows) I did the food prep such as peeling veg etc and the washing up.
We each did our own laundry - although my mother's obsession with ironing often meant that I used to get home from being out or at work and the ironing was done!
Socially we worked out a system that we had our own social circle and ne'er the twain would meet!
Maybe sit down and almost draw up an agreement between yourselves of who does what when etc just to start off on the understanding that it is flexible and can be changed as needed.

It can be a bit of a minefield Mattsmums2 tbh.
My x mil moved in with her dd and things got qiue heated at times.
I do hope it goes well for you,and i advise you take the advise from gransnetters.

Since DH died I have had DS and his son living with me. DS's girlfriend broke up with him so they are sharing the boy's care, but he is with us most of the time. DS gets very little money so there is literally nowhere else he can go. We all seem to get along all right. GS is 7 and ADHD and ASD so certainly loud but it's fine. I still have full financial control, the house is mine and I pay the bills.

sara1954
Your house sounds just like mine! Yes, the noise! When they play downstairs you can't hear yourself think and when they play upstairs I swear they'll come through the ceiling!
Like yours my dd is easy going but this means the mess can be overwhelming.
We are never lonely but crave our own space. Like yours our dd needs to save so it seems to be the only option for now.

My parents, 90's lived with us as did our son, his partner and 2 children, 2 and 3 months. It was a life of big nappies little nappies, sleepless nights and hectic days. Oh and my husband is disabled and I worked. Some days hell but mostly it was lovely as the generations mixed. I have wonderful videos and pictures and our grandchildren daughter just remembers her great grandad and grandma.

Nanny27
I agree, it’s far from ideal. I go through phases of thinking I can’t put up with it, but I know there is no real alternative if our daughter wants to save money.
The children are lovely, my daughter is very easy going, but they are all messy and untidy, and noisy, so noisy!

I have been living in my house with dh, dd, sil and 3 gc for 3 years now. It is not ideal even though we do all try to be considerate to each other. Having visitors to stay (before covid) was difficult on both sides and sharing a garden I find difficult. It has positives though, baby/dog sitting is easier.

I once worked with someone whose father died and her mother split her house into two flats one for the girl and her boyfriend and one for herself as she no longer needed the larger house. This seems to me to be a good solution as it was two self contained flats and if something went awry with the daughter's relationship and the flat needed to be sold, the mother was still secure.

Over forty years ago we did this with my in-laws, I was reluctant from the start, but everyone else was so enthusiastic, I felt at the time I would be a real spoilsport if I refused.
We bought a big house between us, to be honest, we put in less money, and had more house, but I was never really comfortable with the arrangement. My mother in law couldn’t actually help interfering, it was undoubtedly with the best of intentions, but it used to drive me mad. Of course there were babysitting advantages, but I think on balance, I’d have preferred to have got a babysitter.
We stuck it out for about ten years, no real damage was done, but I way so glad to get out.
We are now multi generational living again, our daughter came home over a year ago with three children. I can’t say it’s without tension, but generally it works quite well. I can’t stand the mess, but accept that for the moment it’s their home, and they need to be comfortable and happy, but I’m looking forward to the day my daughter announces she’s saved enough for a deposit!
If you are going to go ahead, be prepared for compromise and practice biting your tongue.

My stepdaughter has done this with her mother who sold her house so that they could buy a large property, which after months of work has a separate annex for the mother. They had a lot if legal advice about the financial aspects. I know of a family where the daughter, partner and children lived with mother in the house which the mother owned. She died last year, left it to the daughter, but, as it's in an expensive area they are now faced with a huge bill for inheritance tax. Take legal advice!

I don’t want to be the one to put a dampener up on things but this sounds like it could be very complicated.
Please do not rely on goodwill and think that x or y would never do xyz. No matter what they may say.
We lost £30k when son and girlfriend parted (and girlfriend went back on her word) because we had no legal document.

What is plan B for you if this doesn't work out?

Have you all discussed the cohabitation rules to follow?

How are expenses shared?

What if they decide to move?

I agree that any financial situation/arrangement needs an agreement of some kind. It's the same with wills, you have to think 'what if.....?' and then consider all the possible scenarios if things took a different course from what you expect. You have to keep emotions out of it. What if your daughter died and her husband remarried or started living with someone? A horrible thought I know, but it's the same with wills, you have to consider these possibilities and what would happen.