Until recently I have only ever heard this term when listening to America news outlets and particularly with Trump. This term has been so prolific over the past 4yrs of the Trump administration that its now in our Cambridge dictionary.
To get some context I need to back up a bit. I have 2 sons, the eldest (30yrs) has been a nightmare since his teenage years and we have been waiting for him to ‘grow up’, thankfully he is in America so we have little contact with him at the moment. My second and younger son by 18 months, has always been the gentle one, the one willing to help anyone, he’s always been there and I don’t think I could have coped without his support when my husband had his leg amputated, some 10yrs ago.
My eldest son, has always been difficult in as much as, he was in his mind, better than anyone else. He lost it with my husband and I over Brexit. Because we believed the best action was for the uk to leave (sadly the virus has proved it was after all a good move) but his belief was that we should stay. He kept telling me, I was wrong. I have tried talking to what I understood to be an intelligent person about religion or any other subject and each time I have been shouted down, if my feelings or conversation was the opposite to his. He’s Ridiculed, chastised, and told me I don’t remember things correctly. This always made me second guess myself and as a picture person, I could see myself in various situations which had no resemblance to the words my eldest son was relaying. I felt small, and was told to seek ‘help’! He has recently told us he was abused as a child - when I try to get more information he deflects. He wasn’t abused! Ive always given him the benefit of the doubt because of his artistic writing. But deep down Ive known his intent was to dominate and control me.
My second son got involved with a girl from Romania around this time and slowly and carefully our relationship has deteriorated. The woman, who’s 4 yrs older than my son has always been a person who has drama everywhere she goes. She was taking english lessons and all 4 teachers she tried, ‘didn’t like her’. The restaurants and cafes she worked in, she always seemed to have some issue with one or more members of staff. All of which she left under a cloud. Whenever there was an event a birthday, Christmas, easter or anniversary within my family, even with a dogs birthday celebration, this woman had to make the whole thing about her! Conversations has been difficult to say the least, Ive tried asking her about her culture, about her past, about her family - anything to find common ground. But nothing! unless you were talking about her specifically, there was no conversation. She would always play the victim , just like my eldest son. I had proved time and time again that she was a liar.
Skipping to last January, this woman who is now my daughter-in-law has delivered our first grandchild. A wonderful healthy boy, I made the mistake of greeting the little boy, cooing over him and buying him presents. Ive seen our grandchild 3 times, my husband twice. In March she had one of her regular melt downs and since then I have been told we will “never F!*king see your grandchild again”, we are “not F!*king welcomed in my house!” etc etc., This was one of her many melt downs with me but this seemed more final and obviously because after January she now has the baby she is able to use against us.
This refusal of not seeing my grandson has broken me! The ‘melt down’ was all about a text that I sent to her, that due to a language barrier she misunderstood. I turned up at her home to apologise, which apparently was a huge mistake. My son has turned against me and my version of events, even though he has admitted to me that he records conversations with his wife because she has a tendency to lie!
It is because of this latest ‘meltdown’ that brings me to Gaslighting. I explained how my eldest son made me feel, and I always went back to him, like a little puppy to ask him to do it all again! Well now my youngest son has done the same, I am a victim of gaslighting from both of my sons! I have been told I am ‘mad’ and my desire to see my grandson is ‘unnatural’ Gaslighting by anyone is unacceptable and you have to protect yourself from this behaviour. I have taken to record all my conversations with my sons (there is a free app that you can download to your iPhone) I have removed my daughter-in-law on my phone, to stop me from apologising anymore. I implore anyone who feels worthless and who second guess their lives, being told you are mad, or don’t remember things accurately, you need to protect yourself. Gaslighting is all about Control!!!!!
I have now arranged to volunteer work in a childs nursery so I can be grandparent to 20 children!
The enlightening thing is you can not be gaslit unless there is a narcissist in the mix……. this is the second part of my journey as a grandmother. Finding the narcissist was the biggest revelation so far.
Son on rebound - wants to marry
Things you find stressful that other people don't notice.
New house and a sloping garden