It sounds like a nightmare Sarahjane. I have never heard the term ‘gaslighting,’ I have to admit that it seems to fit what is happening to you. I don’t know what you can do except always stay pleasant and never argue with this woman,just deflect any unwanted comments. Tell your son you love him.
Gransnet forums
Grandparenting
Are You A Victim Of Gaslighting?
(14 Posts)Couldn't agree more Doodledog. Gaslighting is horrible to go through and takes a long time to recover from. Gaslighting is the deliberate systematic chipping away at someone's sense of self worth and their mental health, gaslighters not only want control, they want their victim to be totally dependent on them, because, after all, they are doing it all 'for their own good' and 'they could not manage without them.'
It is a term that gets thrown around a lot lately without any understanding of what the term actually means. It does not been disagreeing with someone's viewpoint, and it does not mean losing an argument.
If in doubt, watch the original film.
Oh, if anyone doesn't know and cares, the term "gaslighting" did come from that old movie. If I recall correctly, the husband kept turning the gas lights (which is what they had in those days to light the house) up and down and denying it to his wife, in order to make her think she was mentally unbalanced, for his own nefarious purposes.
So sorry to hear of these relationships gone sour, Sarahjane. It sounds very disappointing and painful.
Hopefully, the connections will improve. I agree with considering counseling. You might get a better understanding of all this and solid advice on how best to move forward from here.
Good for you for taking up volunteering with children. Having more in your life lessens the amount any one thing going wrong can knock you off kilter. Best wishes.
Gaslighting is when someone sets out to destabilise their 'victim', and does so by making them doubt themselves, and their memories/actions, and it usually happens over a prolonged period of time.
It is often used now to describe lying, making excuses, or any sort of dubious behaviour. Sometimes people accuse others of gaslighting simply for disagreeing with them. Memories of events differ, and to remember something differently does not mean that you are gaslighting or being gaslighted. Being told that you remember things that didn't happen, or that things did happen that did not is gaslighting, as is blaming you for the gaslighted's behaviour ('look what you made me do'). There are various other tactics, and a wealth of information about it online, but it is not the same as disagreeing about Brexit and shouting people down, or about making something all about you. Neither of those things are good behaviour, but they are not gaslighting.
I think that this confusion diminishes the feelings of confusion and pain felt by real victims of gaslighting, which can take many years to get over, as it damages the victim's sense of self.
It is not necessarily gaslighting. Everyone has different memories of every event. I have found this very much with close family members, our memories of the same event can be very different, especially as we were different ages at the time and our seperate memories are based on different viewpoints.
Having said that, I do think both your sons seem to be being very difficult and I see and understand the pain they are causing you.
Although family therapy is not possible, you may well find that you will benefit from some counselling to cope with your sad situation, and possiblyto find a way forward.
Couldn’t agree more with geekesse.
Yes, keep them at arms-length for the time being.
FannyCornforth
The term 'gaslighting' is derived from the film 'Gaslight'
Yup! Been around since the late ‘30s!
Totally agree with your post Luckygirl
Gaslighting is all the rage - along with narcissist as a label.
If I were you I would steer clear of trendy labels - all they do is add fuel to the fire. These labels provide an excuse to blame someone else whenever things go wrong,
Enjoy your new job and back off a bit from your sons would be my advice. Leave them in peace for a bit.
The term 'gaslighting' is derived from the film 'Gaslight'
I’m sure it’s very upsetting for you. But you raised the two sons, and your response to any problems seems to be quite extreme and dramatic. It sounds to me as if you could all use some family therapy, but if that’s not an option, I think you may be all much better off staying well away from one another.
Until recently I have only ever heard this term when listening to America news outlets and particularly with Trump. This term has been so prolific over the past 4yrs of the Trump administration that its now in our Cambridge dictionary.
To get some context I need to back up a bit. I have 2 sons, the eldest (30yrs) has been a nightmare since his teenage years and we have been waiting for him to ‘grow up’, thankfully he is in America so we have little contact with him at the moment. My second and younger son by 18 months, has always been the gentle one, the one willing to help anyone, he’s always been there and I don’t think I could have coped without his support when my husband had his leg amputated, some 10yrs ago.
My eldest son, has always been difficult in as much as, he was in his mind, better than anyone else. He lost it with my husband and I over Brexit. Because we believed the best action was for the uk to leave (sadly the virus has proved it was after all a good move) but his belief was that we should stay. He kept telling me, I was wrong. I have tried talking to what I understood to be an intelligent person about religion or any other subject and each time I have been shouted down, if my feelings or conversation was the opposite to his. He’s Ridiculed, chastised, and told me I don’t remember things correctly. This always made me second guess myself and as a picture person, I could see myself in various situations which had no resemblance to the words my eldest son was relaying. I felt small, and was told to seek ‘help’! He has recently told us he was abused as a child - when I try to get more information he deflects. He wasn’t abused! Ive always given him the benefit of the doubt because of his artistic writing. But deep down Ive known his intent was to dominate and control me.
My second son got involved with a girl from Romania around this time and slowly and carefully our relationship has deteriorated. The woman, who’s 4 yrs older than my son has always been a person who has drama everywhere she goes. She was taking english lessons and all 4 teachers she tried, ‘didn’t like her’. The restaurants and cafes she worked in, she always seemed to have some issue with one or more members of staff. All of which she left under a cloud. Whenever there was an event a birthday, Christmas, easter or anniversary within my family, even with a dogs birthday celebration, this woman had to make the whole thing about her! Conversations has been difficult to say the least, Ive tried asking her about her culture, about her past, about her family - anything to find common ground. But nothing! unless you were talking about her specifically, there was no conversation. She would always play the victim , just like my eldest son. I had proved time and time again that she was a liar.
Skipping to last January, this woman who is now my daughter-in-law has delivered our first grandchild. A wonderful healthy boy, I made the mistake of greeting the little boy, cooing over him and buying him presents. Ive seen our grandchild 3 times, my husband twice. In March she had one of her regular melt downs and since then I have been told we will “never F!*king see your grandchild again”, we are “not F!*king welcomed in my house!” etc etc., This was one of her many melt downs with me but this seemed more final and obviously because after January she now has the baby she is able to use against us.
This refusal of not seeing my grandson has broken me! The ‘melt down’ was all about a text that I sent to her, that due to a language barrier she misunderstood. I turned up at her home to apologise, which apparently was a huge mistake. My son has turned against me and my version of events, even though he has admitted to me that he records conversations with his wife because she has a tendency to lie!
It is because of this latest ‘meltdown’ that brings me to Gaslighting. I explained how my eldest son made me feel, and I always went back to him, like a little puppy to ask him to do it all again! Well now my youngest son has done the same, I am a victim of gaslighting from both of my sons! I have been told I am ‘mad’ and my desire to see my grandson is ‘unnatural’ Gaslighting by anyone is unacceptable and you have to protect yourself from this behaviour. I have taken to record all my conversations with my sons (there is a free app that you can download to your iPhone) I have removed my daughter-in-law on my phone, to stop me from apologising anymore. I implore anyone who feels worthless and who second guess their lives, being told you are mad, or don’t remember things accurately, you need to protect yourself. Gaslighting is all about Control!!!!!
I have now arranged to volunteer work in a childs nursery so I can be grandparent to 20 children!
The enlightening thing is you can not be gaslit unless there is a narcissist in the mix……. this is the second part of my journey as a grandmother. Finding the narcissist was the biggest revelation so far.
Join the conversation
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »