I don't think my 18yo grand-daughter likes me :-(

Doodledog

I really don't want to be unkind, but so often when I read posts like this what jumps out to me is the way many grans point out that they have been generous with money. It happens such a lot, and IMO that could lie behind a lot of inter-generational conflict.

Most of us want to be generous to our children and grandchildren, and some have more money with which to be generous than others. That doesn't mean that they should get more or less consideration or love, and the constant bringing it up does suggest that in many cases the generosity is conditional.

I'm not at all suggesting that people who mention financial help (or pocket money, or any sort of giving) on here are necessarily bringing it up to their families, but it does seem clear to me that the hope of reciprocation underpins a lot of the disappointment that people express. Why mention it if not?

I understand disappointment at not being invited for Christmas. Christmas is an emotional time, and so bound up with memories of earlier times when we made our children's Christmases special. I also understand that as you were on your own and the other grandparents were not that you feel that you should have taken priority, and that's perfectly natural. Are you able to discuss this with your son without guilt-tripping him? It could be that there is a reason why things happened as they did, and that he didn't realise how hurt you would be.

I could not agree more with you.

Financial aid/gifts/support does not buy affection.

My own GP’s had very different financial situations, and very different styles of GPing. Throwing money at a child/teenager in my own family experience didn’t make me love them any more - it felt like a guilt trip or at times an exchange.

Emotional closeness comes from behaviour, support, respect - not stuff.

I adored my GP’s who couldn’t afford to lavish me with gifts - they knew my life, my friends and gave me their time love and interest.

My other GPs expected gratitude and an almost transactional exchange of cash/gifts for my time and attention. As I got older and realised the strings that were attached to these things I resented it. I’d rather play cards with my Papa than spend their money and be expected to put on a performance.

Maybe focus less on the stuff and the jealousy of the other GP’s and try relating to your GD as a young adult whose life you want to be part of as she starts her own life as an adult?

That was beautifully put, CafeAuLait.

I find it best not to read into people's motivations. Your GD might feel awkward about the cookie situation herself. On the whole, it sounds like you are being taken for granted though. I find when I start to feel that way with anything or anyone, the best thing to do is pull back until I feel things are more in balance.

I see two sides of this from the POV of my experience:
1. I'm a giver and that can be the problem rather than how it is received. My choice to do things for someone doesn't obligate them in any way. The might not care. If I start to feel taken for granted, I pull back and change the balance. It seems to work.
2. I have a a family member who does things and thinks she is being helpful when I experience her 'help' as intrusive. I'd rather she didn't. She also determines what is helpful and doesn't seem to understand that other people might not find it to be so. She gets put out when people aren't appropriately grateful when she does things they might even not want her to do, or care about, or have even told her they don't want her to do. Are you sure your help is being received the way you see it?

I was always bothered by this helpful family member because I wanted them to spend time with me. Sit down and talk with me! Is it possible you are giving practical help while the other grandmother is sitting with them and spending relational time? If you're busy in the kitchen while other Gma is spending time with them, that could explain the differences you perceive in relationship too. Gifts and money don't make up for that.

As someone who has found myself in your position, I suggest changing the balance a bit for your own sake.

I need to write to smileless because I have a massive thing going on that’s breaking my heart by a cruel perspective dil and what you are saying of the treatment from your granddaughter is already coming my way.
I completely understand how you feel after giving so much to your son’s family to be treated so heartless.
Personally I have made a decision to be “often busy” to avoid the mean perspective dil as she is always mean to me but manages to convince my son that l have upset her in her nasty twisted way.
You need to protect your own feelings and stop being so kind and generous with your time and money.
Don’t sit thinking about things make more of your own life which is what l plan to do.

I totally understand why you feel hurt, NaughtyNanTheRed.
Just as we treat our children equally, surely some effort should be made to treat grandparents equally! We used to have one widowed gran over one day to share Christmas dinner, one over the next - not rocket science.

I think you have been treated badly naughty Nan. A similar thing happened to me. It was unkind what your gd did. I would tell her but that’s just me. She doesn’t know how lucky she us having such a lovely Nan. You need to step back and treat yourself. Hithere, poster naturally upset and needs support

I think some of the things that have happened over the years are obviously not to do with your GD but how your son and DIL have organised their lives. I think you have helped them a lot over the years and maybe you should quietly not do so much for them eg stop doing the washing up etc. It may be that you appear easy going and don't cause a fuss and it could be that maternal grandparents are not like this and complain if any issues occur. I think you shouldn't alter what you give your GD. She was maybe in a tricky situation. If she had felt she had to give the nice cookie to the other GM she couldn't then send home a burnt one for her GF. It would have looked as if she didn't like him when they were compared. Then she could have been in trouble. Her only way forward was to give you the burnt ones knowing that going by past experience you would understand and not mind. It may be worth speaking to your son about how you feel you are treated in general but I wouldn't bring up the cookies as that may sound petty (even though I totally understand how you feel). I really don't think your DG dislikes you and I hope you can continue to be the GM you have always been to her.

I really don't want to be unkind, but so often when I read posts like this what jumps out to me is the way many grans point out that they have been generous with money. It happens such a lot, and IMO that could lie behind a lot of inter-generational conflict.

Most of us want to be generous to our children and grandchildren, and some have more money with which to be generous than others. That doesn't mean that they should get more or less consideration or love, and the constant bringing it up does suggest that in many cases the generosity is conditional.

I'm not at all suggesting that people who mention financial help (or pocket money, or any sort of giving) on here are necessarily bringing it up to their families, but it does seem clear to me that the hope of reciprocation underpins a lot of the disappointment that people express. Why mention it if not?

I understand disappointment at not being invited for Christmas. Christmas is an emotional time, and so bound up with memories of earlier times when we made our children's Christmases special. I also understand that as you were on your own and the other grandparents were not that you feel that you should have taken priority, and that's perfectly natural. Are you able to discuss this with your son without guilt-tripping him? It could be that there is a reason why things happened as they did, and that he didn't realise how hurt you would be.

Why blame the gd when she is following her parents' lead for a long time

Because she's now 18 years old and an adult herself. Just because her parents behave like selfish boors, that's no reason to carry on the trait.

This issue seems to have started with the parents, and she just learned from it

Many of us have grown up with parental issues but, at some point, we recognise that a particular type of behaviour isn't socially acceptable, causes others distress and discomfort and we set about changing it. And if they don't change, they have to face the inevitable consequences that their selfish, boorish behaviour brings.

I'm wondering if the GD wanted to impress the other GP's and thought you wouldn't mind getting the burnt ones? Perhaps all is not as rosy as you think and your DIL's parents are critical of her and she's constantly trying to meet their standards. I'm sorry it's come to this as she'll be disappearing off to Uni soon, hopefully you can be involved in that.

I wonder if it was last minute embarrassment and your GD suddenly realised she would have to give the other GP's equal shares? Maybe as you provided the ingredients she saw you as co-cook rather than guest and thought you would understand her giving the others the better bits? I can't believe your GD set out to hurt you in a premeditated way.

I hope you can find a way to a better relationship with all the family. Could you have a low key chat with your son to start with? He may be able to offer you a different viewpoint. Hopefully things will improve after Covid lockdown. Good luck.

BlueBelle

No it’s not blunt toadinthehole it was rude Hithere could have explained in her first post in a much nicer manner

If the granddaughter wrapped up some burnt food for her Nan to take home that was a devious and cruel thing to do and was done on purpose to hurt
I think you should have spoken to your son about it naughtyNan then start looking for some friends and do some stuff with others and for yourself and withdraw some of your help …it’s not appreciated

She could have explained from the off I know. We don’t know anything was deliberate. We only know the OP ended up with burnt cookies.
OP needs to talk to her son, as it seems she’s set a precedent for being second best.

Why blame the gd when she is following her parents' lead for a long time?

This issue seems to have started with the parents, and she just learned from it

If at all possible book yourself a holiday, the longer the better. DON’T apologise to them for not being there and for not allowing them to use you as a doormat. Cut back on the time and effort you put in and use your money to treat yourself. You deserve it!

I agree totally with grannyben at 17.15. I’d be so hurt but would want to make a quiet stand and avoid any rows that could end up with saying things that can’t be unsaid.

I can understand why you feel upset; I think you are being taken for granted and, that your family aren't treating you fairly. However, if I was in your position, I wouldn't say anything to them in case it causes a rift.

If it was me, I would just gradually withdraw my services. No more treats apart from birthday and Christmas, sit it out and smile nicely whilst the pots pile up and, when they mention you having the cat, inform them that you have made arrangements to do something with a friend that week.

Just small things, a bit at a time, so you don't feel so taken advantage of but, nothing to rock the boat too severely

Completely agree with your post @ 18.59 BlueBelle. Deliberate meanness and unkindness by the anyone isn't acceptable; irrespective of how long it's gone on for, whether previous incidences have been tolerated or not. If GD is happy enough to accept the money and treats from the OP, but has appallingly bad manners, it's time to stop the money and treats with immediate effect. I'm sorry this is happening to you NaughtyNan.

Whether your granddaughter likes you or not, or prefers the other grandmother, there was no excuse for her rude behaviour towards you, especially in front of the others.
I'm sorry but I think they're all treating you very unfairly.
You put yourself out to help them: cooking, washing up, cat sitting. I think it's time to take a step back and not be so available.
I'm so sorry for you and I'd be really upset in your position as well ☹️

Hithere

Yabu

Because?

No it’s not blunt toadinthehole it was rude Hithere could have explained in her first post in a much nicer manner

If the granddaughter wrapped up some burnt food for her Nan to take home that was a devious and cruel thing to do and was done on purpose to hurt
I think you should have spoken to your son about it naughtyNan then start looking for some friends and do some stuff with others and for yourself and withdraw some of your help …it’s not appreciated

I don't understand your response * Hithere*
OP yanbu. One of my son's family are like this. Unfortunately its the one who lives in the same country and if would have been nice to be close. My GDs couldn't care less about seeing me and never have. But I don't do all that you do. I remember occasions - birthdays Christmas etc and get on with my own life. You can't make people love you and care for you. DiLs parents often get preferential treatment. Leave them to it is my advice.

Strange to offer the plate and take it away. I can see why you feel hurt and seems mean of your granddaughter. How old is she though? If she is pre teen then probably did not think but if older then it was unkind. Maybe you should draw back a bit - not take the cat etc and try a few things for yourself. DD1 has been away a couple of times with her DH parents but that is because her DFiL has Parkinsons and start of dementia and her DMiL is struggling now. I don't know when we will ever get away now as DH has had a stroke and we lost money last year as 1st lockdown stopped our once in lifetime trip to Oz. It is difficult as most daughters were towards their mother without thinking.

Although Hithere seemed a bit blunt, once she explained what she meant, hard as it is, I can see what she means.
This seems like nothing new for you. I can however, understand you may let it go on to see if things improve. They obviously haven’t, and seem unlikely to if you carry on as you are.
It does sound hurtful, and I think you should talk to your son, explaining how you feel, and you’re no longer putting up with it. It’s not like you’re missing out on little grandchildren growing up. Is that right? It may mean you see them less, or not at all, but that sounds preferable to how things are now. At least everyone would be on the same page.
Of course, they may have no idea you’re upset, it is possible, but don’t keep letting this happen. It’s not fair, and you’re not being unreasonable in feeling the way you do.

I preferred one set of grandparents to the other, it is unusual for anyone to like people equally. Sadly for you your granddaughter seems to prefer the other grand parents.

I doubt what you give your granddaughter will make her like you any more or less so stop giving if it irks you.

Sorry you are in this position, it is sad.

NaughtyNantheRed, I am the mother of sons and I am incredibly lucky because my daughters in laws love my sons enough to make it easy for them to continue a relationship with my husband and I.
Even the Bible mentions sons being ‘cleved’ from their first family, clearly this is nothing new…
I think the way that your son and his family have behaved towards you is poor, very poor. Could you try to talk to them and tell them how you feel? There is the slim possibility that they are not aware how this is impacting you.
I’m so sorry, some people really are very selfish, ungrateful and unkind. Sending you a virtual hug.