I don't think my 18yo grand-daughter likes me :-(

Yabu

I understand why you feel upset. Your family do seem to be taking you for granted. It sounds as though you have done a lot for them and it is hurtful to be neglected by them.
Favouring the other grandparents is not fair on you but I know this does seem to happen with one set, usually the parents of the daughter.
I would not be so willing to do things for them or your GD. [Flowers]

I would cut back on doing things for all of them.
They are taking you for granted.

Hithere useful advice !!

Unkind hithere
I can understand where you’re coming from naughtyNan
That little scene with the cake seems to have been done purposely by your granddaughter and was really unkind I don’t think you’re overreacting and I don’t think I d be quite so generous with that granddaughter in the future Is this new behaviour ? How have you got on with her in the past?
You talk about ‘kids’ so how are the other grandkids towards you ?
I think as you are on your own they were unkind to not invite you for one meal over Christmas but that would need to be your son telling his wife he’d like his mum to come over for a meal so why not have a chat with him and tell him it hurts to be ignored They (he) is taking you for granted and not really being very caring at all
I d be miserable too

I said yabu because while you are taken from granted, it is not reasonable or realistic to expect a certain treatment or reward based on what you have done for them

Also, how do you know what the box for the material's gf contained?

"My DIL, son & grand-daughters always go to her parents for Christmas dinner. Even though I was allegedly in their 'Bubble' last year, they didn't invite me for dinner at Christmas, in fact not much had changed because that's what they've been doing for years."

While it is hurtful, may I ask why did you expect an invitation to xmas dinner when they have not included you for years?

Yes, you are being taken for granted and seems it has been taking place for years.
What changed now for you that seems to bother you more?

Hithere

I said yabu because while you are taken from granted, it is not reasonable or realistic to expect a certain treatment or reward based on what you have done for them

Also, how do you know what the box for the material's gf contained?

It is reasonable to expect to be treated fairly and the OP isn't being treated fairly.

Well that was a really mean thing to do. I would be inclined to pullback. You have done your bit so how about treating yourself for a change? You can't make them like you but really they could treat you more fairly. Maybe speak to your son? It won't change anything but it would let them know how you feel. I would also leave the washing up in the sink, you don't have to be a doormat.

Agaa4
Agree, unfortunately "fairly" is a subjective concept, there is no standard definition

Hithere

Yabu

I’m assuming that means you think the OP is being unreasonable. It would be nice if you could say why…

NaughtyNantheRed, I am the mother of sons and I am incredibly lucky because my daughters in laws love my sons enough to make it easy for them to continue a relationship with my husband and I.
Even the Bible mentions sons being ‘cleved’ from their first family, clearly this is nothing new…
I think the way that your son and his family have behaved towards you is poor, very poor. Could you try to talk to them and tell them how you feel? There is the slim possibility that they are not aware how this is impacting you.
I’m so sorry, some people really are very selfish, ungrateful and unkind. Sending you a virtual hug.

I preferred one set of grandparents to the other, it is unusual for anyone to like people equally. Sadly for you your granddaughter seems to prefer the other grand parents.

I doubt what you give your granddaughter will make her like you any more or less so stop giving if it irks you.

Sorry you are in this position, it is sad.

Although Hithere seemed a bit blunt, once she explained what she meant, hard as it is, I can see what she means.
This seems like nothing new for you. I can however, understand you may let it go on to see if things improve. They obviously haven’t, and seem unlikely to if you carry on as you are.
It does sound hurtful, and I think you should talk to your son, explaining how you feel, and you’re no longer putting up with it. It’s not like you’re missing out on little grandchildren growing up. Is that right? It may mean you see them less, or not at all, but that sounds preferable to how things are now. At least everyone would be on the same page.
Of course, they may have no idea you’re upset, it is possible, but don’t keep letting this happen. It’s not fair, and you’re not being unreasonable in feeling the way you do.

Strange to offer the plate and take it away. I can see why you feel hurt and seems mean of your granddaughter. How old is she though? If she is pre teen then probably did not think but if older then it was unkind. Maybe you should draw back a bit - not take the cat etc and try a few things for yourself. DD1 has been away a couple of times with her DH parents but that is because her DFiL has Parkinsons and start of dementia and her DMiL is struggling now. I don't know when we will ever get away now as DH has had a stroke and we lost money last year as 1st lockdown stopped our once in lifetime trip to Oz. It is difficult as most daughters were towards their mother without thinking.

I don't understand your response * Hithere*
OP yanbu. One of my son's family are like this. Unfortunately its the one who lives in the same country and if would have been nice to be close. My GDs couldn't care less about seeing me and never have. But I don't do all that you do. I remember occasions - birthdays Christmas etc and get on with my own life. You can't make people love you and care for you. DiLs parents often get preferential treatment. Leave them to it is my advice.

No it’s not blunt toadinthehole it was rude Hithere could have explained in her first post in a much nicer manner

If the granddaughter wrapped up some burnt food for her Nan to take home that was a devious and cruel thing to do and was done on purpose to hurt
I think you should have spoken to your son about it naughtyNan then start looking for some friends and do some stuff with others and for yourself and withdraw some of your help …it’s not appreciated

Hithere

Yabu

Because?

Whether your granddaughter likes you or not, or prefers the other grandmother, there was no excuse for her rude behaviour towards you, especially in front of the others.
I'm sorry but I think they're all treating you very unfairly.
You put yourself out to help them: cooking, washing up, cat sitting. I think it's time to take a step back and not be so available.
I'm so sorry for you and I'd be really upset in your position as well ☹️

Completely agree with your post @ 18.59 BlueBelle. Deliberate meanness and unkindness by the anyone isn't acceptable; irrespective of how long it's gone on for, whether previous incidences have been tolerated or not. If GD is happy enough to accept the money and treats from the OP, but has appallingly bad manners, it's time to stop the money and treats with immediate effect. I'm sorry this is happening to you NaughtyNan.

I can understand why you feel upset; I think you are being taken for granted and, that your family aren't treating you fairly. However, if I was in your position, I wouldn't say anything to them in case it causes a rift.

If it was me, I would just gradually withdraw my services. No more treats apart from birthday and Christmas, sit it out and smile nicely whilst the pots pile up and, when they mention you having the cat, inform them that you have made arrangements to do something with a friend that week.

Just small things, a bit at a time, so you don't feel so taken advantage of but, nothing to rock the boat too severely

I agree totally with grannyben at 17.15. I’d be so hurt but would want to make a quiet stand and avoid any rows that could end up with saying things that can’t be unsaid.

If at all possible book yourself a holiday, the longer the better. DON’T apologise to them for not being there and for not allowing them to use you as a doormat. Cut back on the time and effort you put in and use your money to treat yourself. You deserve it!

Why blame the gd when she is following her parents' lead for a long time?

This issue seems to have started with the parents, and she just learned from it