Feeling 'required' to take care of my granddaughter

I'd never tolerate being bullied by anyone - which is, essentially, what the son is doing.

I'd say that I might be free one day a month, perhaps, but certainly not every week. I dislike regular arrangements anyway, so they'd have to ask a few days before.

It'd be such a shame if precious time with a grandchild became a chore to be dreaded!

I started thinking about this further and I guess, in my mind, I've been doing pretty good as a grandma because my parents were not involved in my kids life AT ALL. Not even so much as a school play or baseball game. I thought I was doing pretty good with the amount of time I am able to give and it is so much more than my husband and I received from our own parents. I guess this all just caught me off guard.

I wouldn't offer a sweetener in the form of what you can do.
At this moment in time you are unable to commit to looking after the children.
Full stop.
Offering something else implies that it is negotiable, and you may find yourself tied into an ongoing arrangement that is a strain rather than a pleasure.

Your son is not entitled to your time.

Why not telling him " 2 hours every Saturday does not work for me. How about <insert here what you are willing to do, if you want to offer anything>?"

Having young kids is exhausting but the parents choose to have them, it is not a game "pass the hot potato" so they can get a break

Things are different than they used to be. My parents never helped. They only saw the kids on holidays. My mother in law died before my sons were born and my father in law didn't help either but we never thought anything of it. We didn't think to ask for help, we just DID IT. It wasn't pretty sometimes but we just dealt with it. I knew that having my son move so close would be a blessing and a curse at the same time. We love being able to pop over there but my son tends to take advantage. He was not raised that way yet that's how he came out. I think his wife is putting a lot of pressure on him to get some help. They are shopping for preschool for this fall for 3 days a week. Maybe that will help. My granddaughter will be 3 by then and she just needs more stimulation than she's getting being one-on-one with mom all day. Come to think of it, when he texted me yesterday about coming over, he started with "your granddaughter wants to see you" then it came up when I got there "can you take her for an hour or two". That was preplanned.......................

I don't respond to being bullied into anything at any time. How can you spontaneously do what you want to... whatever... if you're committed to being a hands-on gran in the middle of your Saturday.
Having said that, I've just been looking after DGD, who I see much less of, now she's started school and I don't live near.
Can you offer 2 hours 1 evening after work? Or Sunday evening?

This issue has been raised many times before and it seems a real problem that parents are overworked and stressed. There's lots of good advice from everyone already so I think you have to remember to sometimes put yourself first for your own health and wellbeing. Two hours doesn't seem very long but it could easily drift into more.

The fact is two small children is exhausting. But she is a SAHM. So the weekends are when they both pitch in and she gets some Relief. What they are asking to burden you with is ridiculous considering everything you have going on.
If this is not working out for her then maybe getting a job and using childcare may work better.
I’ve always found that better. As when I use my annual leave I can always pick a day when the children are in school and childcare.

I honestly can empathise with her burn out. I just had to work at home alone with 3 small children one of whom is 1.
It almost destroyed me.

But they were my decision. They are my responsibility. You can not spread yourself so thin that you do harm.

My son does work full time and I think his wife is in burnout with 2 small kids under the age of 3. When my husband is here, he goes down there almost daily mid-morning to play with the kids and visit to give her a break. He is not comfortable watching the 2 year old at our house - he doesn't have the patience for it and I can respect that. I've always been the type of grandma who doesn't just 'drop in'. I respect the fact they have a life and have their own things to do nor have I really ever thought about taking my granddaughter to my house when they are both there because I don't want to interrupt their family time. As they are walking distance away, if I go by and see the garage open, I will stop by to see if they are outside but I don't make a habit of just showing up and knocking on the door. At one point last year, he asked if I could give his wife some relief during the week. Well, no, I work full time even if it is at home (that's been a hard lesson for some family members to understand - I am working). If my husband is in town, she often brings the kids over. I take a break to visit but then back up to my office, sometimes I have to close the door.

We're all different aren't we. Some GP's I'm sure gladly look after their GC at every given opportunity while others have other things they need or just want to do.

You need to tell your son what is OK with you and what isn't babs. No need for explanations.

I do as much as I can to help out, especially in emergencies. I’m happy to do it but it’s not for everyone. My children don’t assume that I will but I generally do but that’s just me.

It’s up to you how you spend your time not your son otherwise resentment will build up and that certainly isn’t good for your grandchild. You are also trying to sort out your father’s stuff. Maybe you could ask your son to help there? It’s cheeky but…..

He can insist as much as he likes, unless you agree its not going to happen. Only problem I can see is if he turns nasty and then denies access.

You are not being unreasonable at all, you get to choose how to spend your free time. I said, that given plenty of notice, I would have my grandchildren for a week at a time, but I wouldn’t have them on a regular weekly basis. I want to be free to go away ( when travel is allowed again) whenever I want, without feeling I was letting my son and DiL down. The children really look forward to their stays ( now, as they are getting older, during their school holidays), I can plan to devote the week to them, outings, activities, I get books in from the library for them. Yes, I’m exhausted at the end but I love my time with them. I do visit their house to babysit sometimes, it means I need to stay with them, they live too far for me just to pop in. It works for us.

I think you just have to keep repeating the word no. Do not explain, apologise or feel bad about it. If he is that pushy the 2 hours will become more or whenever suits him.

If you really cannot say no to your son then tell him you will if he does cleaning, gardening and shopping that you were going to do in those 2 hours.

yourselves yourself

BlueBelle

All I ll say is those precious moments don’t ever come back, before you blink the 2 year old will be 12 then 20 and you may so wish you could have that time back
It sounds as if your husband doesn’t have much to do with any grandkids care either, perhaps neither of you are very toddler orientated and that’s ok if your aren’t, everyone’s different
An hour or two a week isn’t much is it ? But as your posts come across you work full time from home , have exercise classes in the week visit your Dad he’s in memory care does that mean he’s in a care home? So you have a full life which doesn’t really leave room for grandchildren and that’s absolutely fine
I d love to have my grown up grandkids back to being little again meeting them out of school taking them to the beach having them on sleepovers kisses and cuddles building memories
We are all different

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP, you are trying to keep a lot of balls in the air and your time is stretched already, I can see how you need those two days to yourselves.

I highlighted BlueBell's post because it really resonated with me, I'd love to have that baby/toddler/young child period over again sometimes, although with one's own children it did seem at times it would never end, with grandchildren however, somehow I wanted to hang on to it for longer, it's such a brief window then it's gone.

You need to tell him no and that he is not to keep asking you.
You have got to be firm.
He chose to have children. Your time is done.

What is he doing for you?
How much help has he provided regarding his Grandfather?
What if you took on his attitude and started making demands?

I agree that your son shouldn't be pressurising you, but I think you probably already know that. What about offering to have your GD if he does something for you? So get him involved in your dad's house clearing or ask him to visit your dad (his grandad after all) or line up some jobs you need doing in your house. You can turn his emotional blackmail back on him, so when he asks can you have her, you can say you would love to but so-and-so needs doing, then smile sweetly and say"but if you could do that I could spend my time with her and build up a good relationship with her"
Good luck!

My mantra as always - if you never say 'no' what is your 'yes' worth.

Don't be pressured by your son Babs if you don't make your feelings clear things will only escalate. Having said that 2 hours a week is not long to spend time with your grandchildren. Perhaps you can compromise by waiting until your father's house etc is all sorted out. Talk to your husband about giving you more help as well. Do things on your terms though not because your son is pressuring you. My grandchildren are in their twenties and thirties now, the time goes so quickly so enjoy time with the children.

Why does your DH spends so much time on his own at the other house. How much time does he actually spend cleaning? He could be helping you more as your time is taken up with responsibilities.
Does your son want to get on with jobs at the weekend because he does not have time the rest of the week.
You could say you would help out but on a casual basis to fit in with everything else you do.

That 2 hours is your 2 hours. It's not 'time off'. It's time when you do what you need/want to do even if that's sitting with your feet up (although I doubt that's what you do). He knows your busy. Why does he want to you take care of the child? His wife is at home all the time and he's home at the weekend so how come you're expected to chip in with childcare? How quickly will 2 hours become 3 hours or 4 hours or all day/all weekend?

It's not as if you don't already see them regularly and imo you have enough on your plate without taking on more commitments.

Tell him nicely but firmly that although you love spending time with your DGC, it's just not something you're able to commit to every weekend. If you don't feel up to it then let your husband say it. He could say that he's worried about you as you're already exhausted from working and caring for your father so you're not up to yet another commitment which tbh is probably true.

Your son is being too persistent. You have alot to do, you work full time, you have your Dads house to sort out.
It's your life and if you do not want to commit to looking after your Grandchildren every Saturday you should not have too.
Also your son decided to have children, he is thinking of having a 3rd child his desition, his responsibility. Say no, you have to much to do. I would not negotiate or feel guilty either. Also do your exercise class you need some time to relax.

Is your son working during the week?
Why doesn't he want to spend the weekend with his own child?

It seems strange that your son and DIL would want to off load at the weekend on a regular basis. I would also worry that the older child would feel pushed out in favour of the younger one. Surely the weekend is family time? That could include you as the grandparents, but not exclude the parents.
Have you asked your son why he is so adamant to do this. Are there any underlying problems maybe?
Whatever it is, you’re not obliged to do this at all, and shouldn’t feel guilty. I personally think grandchildren are there to be enjoyed at our convenience. That’s what being a grandparent is all about. We’re not substitute parents. Do try to find out if there is anything else wrong though. You never know.

I’m sure some people are happy to provide childcare on demand; but for others, however much they love their children and grandchildren, the amount of stress and juggling it involves is more than they can handle. It’s ok for adult children to ask their parents for childcare, but parents have every right to refuse. I don’t believe it’s reasonable to pester or harass anyone.