Feeling 'required' to take care of my granddaughter

Things are different than they used to be. My parents never helped. They only saw the kids on holidays. My mother in law died before my sons were born and my father in law didn't help either but we never thought anything of it. We didn't think to ask for help, we just DID IT. It wasn't pretty sometimes but we just dealt with it. I knew that having my son move so close would be a blessing and a curse at the same time. We love being able to pop over there but my son tends to take advantage. He was not raised that way yet that's how he came out. I think his wife is putting a lot of pressure on him to get some help. They are shopping for preschool for this fall for 3 days a week. Maybe that will help. My granddaughter will be 3 by then and she just needs more stimulation than she's getting being one-on-one with mom all day. Come to think of it, when he texted me yesterday about coming over, he started with "your granddaughter wants to see you" then it came up when I got there "can you take her for an hour or two". That was preplanned.......................

Your son is not entitled to your time.

Why not telling him " 2 hours every Saturday does not work for me. How about <insert here what you are willing to do, if you want to offer anything>?"

Having young kids is exhausting but the parents choose to have them, it is not a game "pass the hot potato" so they can get a break

I wouldn't offer a sweetener in the form of what you can do.
At this moment in time you are unable to commit to looking after the children.
Full stop.
Offering something else implies that it is negotiable, and you may find yourself tied into an ongoing arrangement that is a strain rather than a pleasure.

I started thinking about this further and I guess, in my mind, I've been doing pretty good as a grandma because my parents were not involved in my kids life AT ALL. Not even so much as a school play or baseball game. I thought I was doing pretty good with the amount of time I am able to give and it is so much more than my husband and I received from our own parents. I guess this all just caught me off guard.

I'd never tolerate being bullied by anyone - which is, essentially, what the son is doing.

I'd say that I might be free one day a month, perhaps, but certainly not every week. I dislike regular arrangements anyway, so they'd have to ask a few days before.

It'd be such a shame if precious time with a grandchild became a chore to be dreaded!

babs75

Things are different than they used to be. My parents never helped. They only saw the kids on holidays. My mother in law died before my sons were born and my father in law didn't help either but we never thought anything of it. We didn't think to ask for help, we just DID IT. It wasn't pretty sometimes but we just dealt with it. I knew that having my son move so close would be a blessing and a curse at the same time. We love being able to pop over there but my son tends to take advantage. He was not raised that way yet that's how he came out. I think his wife is putting a lot of pressure on him to get some help. They are shopping for preschool for this fall for 3 days a week. Maybe that will help. My granddaughter will be 3 by then and she just needs more stimulation than she's getting being one-on-one with mom all day. Come to think of it, when he texted me yesterday about coming over, he started with "your granddaughter wants to see you" then it came up when I got there "can you take her for an hour or two". That was preplanned.......................

I think you are right to highlight, that in the main, previous generations didn't chip in with the raising of grandchildren. Even not as far back as my own grandparents, my husband had two children from a previous marriage and his parents were fairly young grandparents to those children. He often told me that, if he asked them to look after the children, he was met with the response of "you had them, you look after them" which of course is perfectly true, but at times not particularly helpful. They thought of themselves as good grandparents but the whole rigmarole of looking after grandchildren was, in their opinion, not part of their remit and I think that's fair to say that was the overwhelming mindset once. I think our generation goes to the enth degree to try and accommodate our children when they ask for favours such as what has been asked of you in your opening post and sometimes by granting such favours, grandparents greatly put themselves under pressure in doing so. I'd like to think I fall somewhere between the completely intransigent attitude of my late parents in law and being always available particularly in impossible situations.

You must do only what you want and feel able to do! No more! I suspect your son is tired and stressed and as a result is being over pushy, plus a bit manipulative with the "good relationship" comment!

Hithere's suggestion of Why not telling him " 2 hours every Saturday does not work for me. How about <insert here what you are willing to do, if you want to offer anything>?" seems a good one to me!

Your DIL is a stay at home mother who already gets support from your DH during the week. Two young children can be exhausting but women have been dealing with it since time immemorial. It's only recently that suddenly we have to feel sorry for them and help them out with childcare. I could understand it more if she was juggling work and children but she isn't. Even then my sympathy level would be low as I, and many other mothers, worked late shifts and well into the night to be at home during the day. We managed. Lack of sleep and being tired is part of parenthood for most people. They deal with it and the children grow up and become less needy very quickly.

I speak from 'the other side' (I am a stay-at-home-mom).

You have every right to decline requests for babysitting. Your son is wrong to pressure you. He is acting as though he is entitled to your help. He is not. They are his children, not yours.

Sometimes I politely ask my parents if they would be willing to babysit, but I wouldn't dream of pressuring them into it, goodness! The sense of entitlement that behavior suggests blows my mind! Children are their parents' responsibility, not their grandparents'! I'm sorry that your son is putting you in this uncomfortable situation.

Hithere is spot on, yet again. I almost always agree with her advice whether it's a situation whether I think the grandparent is in the right (like this situation) or the wrong.

I haven’t read all the posts but might have missed something.

As I understand, they only want you to look after the 2 year old, not the baby. Is this because the 2 year old is very full on and needs a lot of attention? To me, if mummy is a stay at home, it sounds as though she wants a break from this child, but I can’t see why your son doesn’t take over for a couple of hours then. He might work full time, but so do many others.

Maybe when your dad’s property is sorted, you could help out on an occasional basis, but not just to suit DS and DIL.

The fact her own mother has a different lifestyle is neither here nor there really. Hopefully, when Covid improves, she will be able to visit again and resume her role as helper to her daughter.

anonymous44 I feel the same way as you if people decide to have children then the responsibility is theirs not the grandparents. However this seems to be changing and I see more and more of friends my age who really are ‘tied down’ with grand parents responsibilities that they have no life of their own. Of course grand parents will help out with babysitting etc when needed as my parents did for my children but like you I never expected them to do it or put any pressure on them to do so. If you choose to have children some sacrifices have to be made in terms of holidays, expensive house improvements etc. I wanted to spend this precious time with my children and have no regrets despite not having much money.

It amazes me that they are thinking of having another child when they can’t cope with two. You already have a lot of pressure in your life, a full time job, visiting and doubtless worrying about your father and sorting out and selling his house, not to mention looking after your own home, shopping, cooking, perhaps gardening? You have a great deal on your shoulders already and when your husband is away you have no help with all this. Another regular commitment at present is just too much. You seem to see the grandchildren pretty often as things are, on a casual basis, and have a good relationship with them, but I can see a regular 2 hours each Saturday becoming longer and longer periods especially if they have another baby. For me it would seem like another work appointment in my diary, not the enjoyable experience being with your grandchildren currently is. You must be firm with your son, difficult though that is, and say you just do not have the capacity to take on another regular commitment whilst you’re working. Get your husband to back you up on this. Keep to your current casual arrangements. You might feel differently when your father’s house has been sold and that pressure is removed but don’t suggest that to your very selfish son and his, dare I say, lazy wife or they’ll start this up again the moment the ink on the sale documents is dry. Keep saying NO for as long as it takes for them to get the message. Don’t allow them to bully you.

take the offer its worth it, they grow up so fast , you can still enjoy the park etc and take pictures for times to come when they grow up ,I would love to have a couple of hours a week with my granddaughters,

Shel69, do you have all the commitments and worries that OP does? You might love a couple of hours with your grandchildren but this weekly commitment, not casual arrangement, which may well grow into something bigger, would just make OP’s life even more difficult with what she’s already juggling. This isn’t an offer, it’s a demand and it’s not ‘worth it’ when she’s already so busy trying to do so much. You don’t seem to understand the burden of working full time, visiting an elderly father with dementia, trying to sell his home and running her own home and at the same time being bullied to take on another commitment.

as they say on MN "NO is a complete sentence"

I'm taking a different perspective to most on here. Before anyone says anything, I do work full-time in a demanding job and I do a LOT more than a few hours every week with my GS.

I think we have a responsibility to help out with our grandchildren. Families that work best do this (extended families). In our culture, we have moved a long way ay from this, sadly.

They're only little for a short time. Plus, you may well need help from your DC later on life, and if you don't support them now, they may not want to support you later.

I wonder if your DIL is missing the company/little break that grandad’s visits provide, and this is why your son brings this up now?

I have three small kids and I must admit, the last 18 months of lockdown has been hard on us. Small children need to see faces other than their mother’s and have that wider family/social interaction. My little ones got quite bored of just me

Does your daughter still live with you, Gaga?
That must make it a lot easier.

GagaJo

I'm taking a different perspective to most on here. Before anyone says anything, I do work full-time in a demanding job and I do a LOT more than a few hours every week with my GS.

I think we have a responsibility to help out with our grandchildren. Families that work best do this (extended families). In our culture, we have moved a long way ay from this, sadly.

They're only little for a short time. Plus, you may well need help from your DC later on life, and if you don't support them now, they may not want to support you later.

I agree with this. As I posted upthread, my mum didn't have much to do with my children, largely because I worked, so their 'free' time was at weekends and holidays, which she wasn't prepared to give up to see them. She did spend time with my sister's children, as my sister didn't work, so could take them to mum's during the week when she had less on.

That was her choice of course, and I was very lucky in that I have a lovely MIL who did spend time with them, but it is sad to see that now all concerned are older there just isn't the bond between my children and my mum that is there with their 'other granny'. My mum is more than a bit jealous, but these relationships don't just happen when it is convenient - they are built up over years of shared memories.

They do. But whereas initially it was from necessity, now it is choice. My choice to be with him while he's little and DD's choice for childcare.

I do at least 50% of the care. In 3 or 4 years, he won't be interested in spending time with granny. It's very short term.

That's the most important thing.
Choice.
It took women years to be given autonomy, and I wouldn't be in a hurry to give up any of it.
Women should respect that.

I’m puzzled GagaJo. How can you have a demanding full time job and do at least 50% of the childcare? Are you Superwoman?

It has to be a choice though, Gagajo- not enforced.

It is not the job of grand-parents to chilcare for their adult children. Among our friends so many are expected, told even and threatened with being cut off- to cover childcare. I know some who look after one set of grandchildren 2.5 days a week, and for another 2.5 days a week. And not just one child either.
They wanted to go away for a holiday for 1 week, with plenty of notice, after grand-mother had been quite ill- but son went berserk!

Not fair, wrong! If it is a true choice, then of course, that is fine. Too much pressure put on grand-parents- and the blackmail makes it even worse.

Babs75,
Your son sounds a bit like mine! You do want you want to do. If you work full time and have other commitments then wanting weekend time to do what you want should be your priority.

I think I get you . Many grown up children seem to EXPECT their parents to help with their childcare. Why should you be brow beaten into it ? I too had no help from my parents because they told me “ we have brought our 3 children up on our own & you can bring yours up . We don’t want to book a set day to see you & our grandchildren because we have busy lives too but we will help when we can “. My mum & dad went out every Saturday night all their married lives & we knew not to ask them for a Saturday night babysit . I gave up work to bring up my children until the youngest reached school age & then I worked in school hours . Never expecting anyone else to lift & lay my kids . When my children spent time with either pair of grandparents I was there spending time with them too & joining in the fun with them & enjoying being with my parents at the same time too . My daughter knows my views & we all spend quality time together & sometimes I volunteer to watch my granddaughter while she pops out but she never presumes ( she is a stay at home mum too )hope this makes sense & I have not waffled on too much ?