Feeling sidelined

I think sometimes posters feel a bit better having got their story off their chest and then forget to come back!

Who knows ? Why does this happen so often ?

Over 50 comments here. Where is Twinstar?

Also - fantastic examples and advice from NurseryRhymes and March , comments above. Please take it on board, implement the changes and in a few months time you might find things are better. If at that point they are not, I would then ask in a non accusation way what the issues are and go from there.

Great that you currently have a foundation of regular contact already.

Nobody can really tell you why she keeps her distance, also depending on how your relationship was before, could you work on building a closer relationship to her and build that trust? This is something you’ll need patience with and will take time - no overnight fix. Going from what you have said, I would assume that she feels more comfortable around her own parents. Please do not take it to heart, it comes natural to her, even more so if you aren’t particularly close or if you’ve come across a certain way that she can’t communicate with you.

As someone who has been through hell of having uncaring in laws, I would recommend establishing a better connection with your DIL, keep the communication flowing, show some empathy towards her situation as a Mum juggling everything (it’s hard) - try to make her feel comfortable around you. Maybe there is something you can do or offer to help your son and DIL? I imagine she can probably sense your displeasure towards her, body languages are always loud and clear - you don’t actually need to say anything… perhaps you might have upset her in other ways and it’s evolved into this. I don’t know what your relationship was like before… but as others have suggested, I would try to make it clear that your happy to see her as well as your granddaughter/son. Perhaps that message has also not been received.

I think the key here is to stop focusing on your relationship with your GC and instead work on your relationship with your DIL. If you want to improve your relationship with DIL then bend over backwards to make her feel comfortable. I agree with what others have said about keeping your visits short (particularly if your son isn't there) and leaving before being prompted.

When you do visit, focus your interaction on your DIL. Ask her how she's been and make an effort to really build a friendship with her. The last thing you want is for her to think you're only there for your GC. You could even bring some home made biscuits and offer to do some washing up for example, as this will really show DIL that you care for her too.

I'm not sure if you're guilty of this but don't offer DIL your opinion or advice unless she asks. It's probably the quickest way to spoil a MIL/DIL relationship. Conversely, it's always a good idea to compliment her on her mothering and make sure she knows that you admire the way she's raising your GC.

Definitely seek DIL's approval for all things relating to your GC, even if you wish you didn't have to - ask her if she's okay with you buying x toy or doing x activity before you do it. That way there is no room for error. The way you ask can also be important. "I could take GC for a walk if you like?" seems less pressuring than "Can I take GC for a walk?"

I think if you really focus on improving your relationship with DIL, then naturally the relationship between you and your GC will grow.

There's a lot to what March says. The people who know my children best, especially when they are young, most especially when they are very young, are the people who have a relationship with me first.

My MIL clearly wanted me out of the way so she could take over the grandchildren and I was a barrier to that. There is no relationship with someone who just wants you to move aside, so no relationship with the children in my care could develop either.

It also was never natural for me to leave my young children. That's something I thought would happen naturally over time, as the children got older.

March what a lovely and thoughtful post.

I wonder what your relationship was like before your GD?
I imagine there's a few years of history with your DIL.
You don't mention that.
If you wasn't close before, then you're not going to be now just because she's had a baby.

The reason she visits her parents twice a week is because she has a relationship with them before she became a mom. They also want to see their daughter not just the baby which is how it comes across to me.

Alot of fallouts, mine included, was when I had a baby.
Mismatched expectations and what was 'presumed' would happen, didn't

Maybe try building a relationship with your DIL if you want her to want to spent her free time with you and want to be trusted with her DD.

I now have a fantastic relationship with my MIL, never thought I'd say that. We have a friendship outside my children. I trust her with them now as I know she respects me and actually likes me.
She understands my MH and Anxiety and doesn't push or pressure me. It's taken years but we are on the same page.
Because we have a relationship and I enjoy spending time with her, even when DH isn't there.

Twinstar doesn't actually say she has weekly visits, just that she regularly visits when allowed.

Twinstar if all your daughter-in-law is comfortable with you doing is sitting and watching, then I'm afraid that's what you must do: sit back, relax, and watch. Don't sit on the edge of your seat. Talk to your daughter-in-law and compliment her. For whatever reason she isn't comfortable in your presence yet, but from what you say she does let you visit when your son isn't present, ie just the two of you, so I'd take that as a positive.

Maybe her own mother is jealous? Maybe that accounts for her not speaking to you at the birthday lunch if they were there?
How do you get on with her parents, do you have a friendly relationship with them?

Just out of interest who looks after your granddaughter when your daughter-in-law is at work, is it her mother or professional childcare?

Sorry lots of questions, just trying to think of different angles to consider.
I am sorry you're upset about the current situation, but hopefully given time things will improve.

Uff the autocorrect is out of control, sorry

Yes smileless, it is a vicious cycle - the mother of the child feels the neediness and gets protective, which triggers the GM's anxiety and spikes it up, which the mother feels even more and goes on "supervised" mode, as it called here

The OP here is given weekly visits with the gc, so her feelings are taken into account
The gm gets to see the gc in a very regular basis

It is not up to dil and son to make sure OP's OP's expectations of grandparenthood are fulfilled

Thanks Nansnet I agree with your post too.

That's interesting Hithere I see fear, pain and anxiety in the OP but not neediness and desperation.

TBF we all I'm sure have a 'vision' or dream of what we hope/ think our involvement with our GC will be. How many prior to it happening envisage not being able to play with their GC but just sitting and watching while their d.i.l. plays with her child?

How many are made to feel that the limited amount of contact they do have is always supervised? How many never expected to see their GC ever playing with any of the toys they'd bought for them? How many ever think they'll be deliberately ignored by their d.i.l. or s.i.l. at a family function?

Surely the way to deal with a genuine sense that a close family member, either biologically or through marriage, is needy and desperate is to find ways of reasonably giving reassurance to try to alleviate those feelings.

If the OP's d.i.l. is reacting to neediness and desperation as you've suggested Hithere IMO she's fuelling the fire by "reacting to it" in such a way as to reinforce what Twinstar is feeling. It's as if there's no thought whatsoever for the mother of her H and the paternal GM of her child.

I feel that Twinstar is used to being in control and has/had definite ideas of her place in her granddaughter's life ( please not the revolting 'bub'); her daughter -in-law is understandably wary.
Let it be.

I can also read the neediness and desperation in the post.

Is it possible that it is translated in her behaviour in real life and the dil is just reacting to it?

My Mother-in-law was not demanding but thank goodness I didn't live near my mother or I would probably have been seen as the mother in the OP.

Yes, my mother was besotted with my children. And yes because of this I needed to protect them from her at all times.

As a mother you are tuned-in to your babies, and acutely aware of any possible wariness or other needs they may have. Some grandparents, out of love, want to (sort of) borrow them in order to "love them up". I would have been seen as very mean with my babies and it was years before they went off with anyone on their own, but, they did do it and still visit their grandmother pretty often, taking their little ones with them.

Relax Twinstar you are coming over as a bit on the needy side (as my parents did). It will settle down in time and in years to come you will reap the rewards of your patience.

I’m trying to see it from DIL perspective and I recognise she is highly strung and needs to control every aspect of her life or she feels anxious.

Twinstar perhaps the above is the key to it all ? Maybe she has MH issues that you are not aware of …

You aren’t being ‘walked all over’, the parents are parenting their own way .
Enjoy the time you have with her rather than being miserable about your expectations not being met .

.

So agree with Nansnets first two paragraphs. She holds all the cards. I would get going after 1 1/4 hours. I think a lot of dil see mil as a rival. I love mine so much, but she has made contact impossible now. My son loves her, so for him, well he’s not going to rock the boat. She refused my attempt to talk about it, became defensive and tight lipped so I bowed out gracefully, apologising and left it as it is.

Toadinthehole "I didn’t let any grandparents take my children out alone at any age to be honest. I felt they weren’t trustworthy enough."

Daisymae "I don't think that my own daughter would have tolerated me taking a GC off for a walk in the middle of a family get together."

Reading the OPs post again, I took it that the OP meant she was taking her GD for a little walk, during the lunch, perhaps because she was becoming fidgity? In the past, when I've been out with my son & his family, I've taken my GD for a little walk around, when she has become fed up with sitting at the table, or in her pushchair. My DS & DiL have been extremely grateful, as it's allowed them to be able to eat their meal together, in peace. And, of course, Nannie doesn't mind one little bit if her food goes cold![grin} Seems some mothers just like to make a rod for their own back, which is, of course, their choice.

Smileless2012 I agree with everything you've said.

Hithere "Does dil have to leave the room and leave the child with mil so OP doesn't feel supervised?"

Of course not, but for the OP only to be able to sit and watch mum play with the little one, and for the mother to distract the child away from her GM, seems rather odd, at least to me.

Sorry I wasn’t being rude I was just surprised that in three years nobody at all had looked after your child for even a few hours , be it grandparent, friend, nursery or whatever and wondered whether it was an intentional policy or just chance.

I never needed or wanted a sitter for my young children either. I don't think it's that uncommon.

Notspaghetti

Same here.
Only a major emergency would make me look for a sitter

Do you mean they already have two boys or is this the first baby?

I’m unable to enjoy fully being a Nanna in the way I had hoped and after having two boys was so excited to have a grand daughter.

Or do you mean you had two boys?
Do you have other grandchildren Twinstar?

Lucca

“ No-one looked after my DD1 until she was nearly 3 and I was in labour with DD2. ”. Good heavens whyever not ?

Probably because, like me, she didn't want them to.

The OP is not supervised in the visits - the mother of the child is there too

Does dil have to leave the room and leave the child with mil so OP doesn't feel supervised?