Feeling sidelined

Grandparenting isn't a competition or a zero sum game.

I'd suggest focusing on enjoying the time you DO get to spend with her.

My parents see our daughter much more than Hubby's parents do - because they live 4 hours' drive away, and Hubby's parents live across the pond.

TBH, whenever I hear someone comparing what they get to what the other GPs get, I am reminded of a young person saying, "But so and so gets to go/do/wear/have whatever! It's not FAIR!" What was your response when your children made such statements?

Unfortunately some DIL’s are like that. I had one that was pretty spiteful to me even though I tried very hard to get her onside. I gave up in the end. My son did notice and did say something to her on more than one occasion but to no avail. Same son said to me that women never like their partner’s mum. I used to get on with my MIL but I’m not insecure and jealous and I believe that’s where it stems frim.

Twinstar, I feel so sad for you. Unfortunately, she holds all the cards doesn't she? She is clearly terrified to let you in, even a tiny bit, but not sure what she fears will happen. Maybe she thinks it will give you too much "power", and that the little girl will have a bond with you. It seems she is trying to prevent this happening, which is just so sad. I think you need to have a conversation with your son, even though you are reluctant to do so. You could word it so that you have every sympathy with dil, even though deep down you don't, and tell him you see how the situation is. You understand a woman's bond with her own mother will always come first, but a little bit of contact for HIS mother would be lovely. You fear not having a relationship with your granddaughter which is understandable. Just say to your son, you can see that you will never be able to have a closeness with granddaughter as your dil doesn't see any value in it, and how sad it makes you. But stress you feel no animosity towards her, you understand its her mother first, but really she needs to know that your eyes are open regarding the situation. If you are not accusatory, she cannot pull the shutters up even more, because that would be admitting you are right in your reading of the situation.
I am so sad for you, but she needs to know you are hurting in some ways. If she has any shame, she will give you a little, if she doesn't shame on her. Good luck, lovely.

I think perhaps if you are going to discuss it with anyone it should actually be with your daughter in law rather than through your son? Pick one thing and just ask her nicely if you have done something wrong .
Just a thought others may disagree

Just keep seeing your GD as much as possible. She will get to know you as she gets older. I am sure you are loving and kind and she will respond to that in time.

I dont know Lucca I think lots of people expect the woman in the marriage to facilitate all the relationships in a family. Does the son never look after the child on his own would that not be an opportunity to spend time with the grandchild.

Galaxy

I dont know Lucca I think lots of people expect the woman in the marriage to facilitate all the relationships in a family. Does the son never look after the child on his own would that not be an opportunity to spend time with the grandchild.

Oh absolutely but what I meant was rather than going through the son to talk about her grievances /issues with daughter in law she should address them directly to her ? Wouldn’t you be annoyed to have your husband say “my mother says…” etc ?

But, as I said, just a thought and others may disagree !

Yes I probably agree Lucca I just think these things are often very complicated in terms of family dynamics, roles of men and women and so on.
I hope you sort it out OP

My dil suffers from anxiety and perhaps my advice from my therapist might help as my relationship with dil has improved in leaps and bounds.

With your dil’s relationship with her own family, it is easier for her to be upfront about her needs/wants. She will be more comfortable with them to communicate what she likes/doesn’t like.

With you she can’t be frank, or impolite so she will always be more comfortable with her own family. Perhaps start in small baby steps. You said that she doesn’t accept or use your gifts, young mothers are given very strong advice/pressure these
days about everything including toys. My dil only has wooden toys, fabric or bpa free plastic toys. Perhaps ask her to send you a link to something she would like for dgc?
Have a chat with your son. Explain you understand why she is more comfortable with her parents babysitting as you can always be more honest with your own parents, but that you are happy to try supervised until she is comfortable and work towards that goal without pressure.

Twinstar, I understand you feel sidelined . It is so sad because you do understand that your DIL's mum will come first with her. However it is very distressing for you to feel that when you are with them your DIL distracts the child away from you. agnurse I think you are being a little harsh! Of course grandparenting is not a competition. All twinstar wants is to not be ignored when she visits and to be allowed to build a relationship with her grandchild. Surely that is not too much to ask?

I feel sad for you twinstar and also for your grand daughter who is being deprived of a relationship with you. I can’t offer any advice other than to continue seeing your granddaughter as you do now. Hopefully things might change in the future. I feel that your daughter in law is being unkind but sadly it is often the case that the parents of a son are treated in this way.

Everyone seems to be missing the point that the daughter in law works 3 days a week !!!!
If I was in this situation the last thing I’d want would be Mother in law ( and I loved both of mine) coming round for I don’t know how long when I had enough to do on those 2 days.
Leaving the weekend free to do family stuff.

I think the point twinstar is making is that she isn’t allowed to interact with her granddaughter such as playing with her or reading her a story. If I was working I would gladly use the time to do the ironing or whatever whilst grandparent was entertaining the child. This would allow family time at the weekend.

If I was working I would not be prioritising doing ironing. I'd be making the most of the time I do have with my child.

OP, my MIL would probably have felt very similarly to you. I was never shutting her out though. I'd be happy to discuss further if you want to over PM.

Twinestar just another angle. Do you think dil might feel threatened by you or even scared? Please don’t think I am accusing you. With her own mum she can say or do things and be more relaxed.

This is going to be very difficult to overcome. Rather than buy gd things ask dil if there is anything she would like you get. You say you ask to visit. Perhaps this seems pushy when dil has a busy life but she does fit you in nonetheless. How often do you ask? Maybe wait to be invited? Then when you get there you want to play with gd which could make dil feel excluded, that you only come to see gd. Perhaps you could offer to do the ironing or something, rather than as one post suggests her doing the ironing whilst playing with gd.

I may have got it all wrong but just want to give you a different perspective.

Has anything happened?
I'm sorry if that comes across rude but what was your relationship like before your DIL had that baby?
Has it always been frosty?

And wheres your son when your are visiting?

A visit of an hour and a half with a young child seems like more than sufficient without overstaying. Your DIL would probably like uninterrupted time with her child, and it’s far more essential that she have that with her kid than you have it with your granddaughter. At 18 months old, she’s just really starting to understand her world and the players in it. I’m sure she knows who you are- my kids saw their grandparents very infrequently due to distance for their first several years of life but certainly knew who they were! Let go of the expectations you might have had- they aren’t your dils or gc’s job to fulfill. Let your ds send invitations- but it sounds like you absolutely are included and as long as you don’t complain and make things uncomfortable for DIL- I’m sure in time she’ll gain more confidence in your relationship. The response to someone being guarded with you isn’t to be more demanding.

And I notice you tried to take Gd for a walk- why? You don’t remove a child from their parents without their permission/encouragement. You can offer if your GD is getting wriggly and impatient and her parents are occupied. But you don’t just say ‘I’m taking the baby’ without prompting!

I think perhaps if you are going to discuss it with anyone it should actually be with your daughter in law rather than through your son? Pick one thing and just ask her nicely if you have done something wrong .

I agree. No point putting your son as a piggy in the middle when you are trying to build a "grown up" relationship with your dil.

agnurse there is a difference between open jealous competition between grandparents and being excluded from perfectly reasonable interaction and involvement on a visit!

agnurse

Grandparenting isn't a competition or a zero sum game.

I'd suggest focusing on enjoying the time you DO get to spend with her.

My parents see our daughter much more than Hubby's parents do - because they live 4 hours' drive away, and Hubby's parents live across the pond.

TBH, whenever I hear someone comparing what they get to what the other GPs get, I am reminded of a young person saying, "But so and so gets to go/do/wear/have whatever! It's not FAIR!" What was your response when your children made such statements?

Read the post agnurse.

I was expected to watch her play with her mum, who distracted her if I tried to interact with GD

How can she enjoy her time with GD under the pressure of this type of behaviour?

Please dont treat OP's concerns as petty.

Wait until she is older and see what happens is my advice .

OP

How as your relationship with dil before baby?

You have two very common issues taking place here
1. Competition and comparing yourself to the other grandparents
2. You had some expectations of what a nana would be and dont match reality

Did you talk to your son of what role they envisioned you to have as grandmother?
Your role as grandmother will be defined by what the parents of the child think, as he/she is their child first, your gc second
Parents hold the power here, not you

A visit of 1.5 hours is great!
Is your son present in these visits or your dil is hosting?

Taking the child for a walk: major no no without asking and getting both parents' approval first.
Could this be a reason why you feel so supervised by dil and son, this natural for parents to know where their kids are at all times

There has to be background for this - your son and dil have strong boundaries.
That usually happens with previous incidents

For the gifts - why not getting something from a wish list they give you?

It’s very odd that she won’t let you interact with the child. I think my MIL felt ike this with my DDs at this age but they both went through a phase of clinging to me when other people are around. DD2 still is, DD1 is 3 though and will happily now drag MIL off up to her room to play with her so it will likely change as she gets older.

As for the gifts, as long as age appropriate I really can’t understand that. But my SIL likes wooden toys for her DD, I think it’s a bit daft but try and buy her those sorts of things. MIL though (SILs mom) buys the plastic light up sort of toys (she does for my DDs as well but I don’t care) and SIL does take the piss out of it and avoids her DD playing with them. It’s ridiculous and quite snobbish really.

I don’t think not being left to look after her ‘unsupervised’ is fair to complain about though. No-one looked after my DD1 until she was nearly 3 and I was in labour with DD2. My parents now look after DDs whilst I work and I wouldn’t ask MIL to but shes very lax about safety, doesn’t really ‘get’ car seats, thinks we’re overreacting with choking hazards (lolly pops and grapes, nothing over the top!) and FIL smokes in the house as well. They’re quite dismissive of how ‘things weren’t like that when they had kids’ which makes both me and DH reluctant to leave DDs with them? Is there any chance your son or DIL may feel like that?

She does sound quite standoffish with you, how was your relationship beforehand? I would try maybe focussing on making more of an effort to talk to her and get to know her more, rather than your GD at the moment? See if that helps?