Too much choice for the grandchildren?

It's not new . This asking small children what they prefer has been creeping in for many years.
"Would you rather?" (as in John Burningham's wonderful picture book)

I think it puts too much pressure on children. How are they expected to know what we adults know?

However, we have all had to adapt. I can no longer say "would you like a smack?"
Last night DGS, now a teenager, came to dinner with his parents. I asked in advance if he ate curry and if not what would he like. His favourite foods are rocket, parmesan cheese and balsamic vinegar.
I provided that. It was delicious and a great accompaniment for the curry.
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www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fj_4a5TVEoE

jenpax

A couple of dinner choices are fine, but you have to be careful you don’t end up running a restaurant if there is more than one child! My DD has 3 DS and if asked they would all pick totally different options.?

We always ate together, at the table - sometimes without dad as he had to work late. One meal, the same for all. My daughters do the same with their children. It works.

Even in the 70s, my lovely, kind and helpful neighbour gave a choice to the kids and her OH later, every day- once she had cooked and served for one, she gave each one the plate, in turn to go and sit in front of TV. She was cooking for hours on end!

To each she asked the question 'what do you want for tea our ... Ken, John, etc. And then she cooked it- egg and chips, sausage and chips, and on, and on. Her OH would only eat spagetti bolognese if she cooked chips with it. Yes, I'd say too much choice- and probably not very healthy as they never made the choice to have any vegetables, unless baked beans.

Rod for own back.

MissAdventure ?

I was much the same. However my (albeit much loved) younger Dsis sometimes drove me mad with her dd when staying. She had just the one late in life at the time, and I really had to bite my tongue (or risk getting my head bitten off) when she was endlessly asking a 3 year old what she would like to eat.

‘FFS save yourself all that hassle - just give her what you know she likes!’ - is what I was frequently dying to say - but didn’t.

My lovely friend used to plead with her older child to be nice, be kind, be good because he knew how much it upset Mummy when he was naughty.
Of course he knew!

Well, we're not having Spag Bol tomorrow! Sorry and all that.
(That's not the plan, anyway )

I asked a class of eleven year olds I taught if there was anything they would like me to mention to their parents at the forthcoming teachers-parents evening.

Theresa piped up, " Oh yes please, will you ask them to be grown up and make decisions for us like you do? You say, "Will you please be quiet?" and we are because we know you want us to be quiet. Our parents say things like, "Would you like to be quiet? If we say "No," they just say, "All right then, " and the noise continues until we are all tired and cross"

I was hard put to it to explain that I could certainly try, but that I wasn't at all sure their parents would care for the suggestion.

Back in the 1970s I actually heard a kindergarten teacher asking a three-year old, "Do you feel motivated to go to the toilet before we go out for our walk?"

The child looked blankly at him and said no, as he hadn't understood what he was being asked and of course needed to wee three minutes outside the door, all wrapped up in flying suit etc in mid-winter.

The old-fashioned request, " Go and do a wee-wee before you put your outdoor things on." would have prevented that faff!

Sorry, the answer to your question is that parenting has changed. It does so every generation, and we the grandparents just need to grin and bear it.

I am sure your DIL is stressed by having to give all these choices, or by expecting and not getting sensible replies from a 3 and a 5 year old.

When she asks for advice you could suggest limiting some of the choices, but not until then.

I think children should be given choices. It shows we respect their opinion and it helps them to be confident as they grow up in their ability to make decisions. We have 5 children so it was a set meal for everyone. However when they were little they were offered a choice of socks, pants etc. Also for lunch , after a savoury item, they were offered a yoghurt or a piece of fruit.

Is it not normal to give children choices?
My 2 have always chosen what they want to wear as in I give 3 choices, same with food.
I'd rather them be comfortable and fed.
They always seem really chuffed and proud of themselves that they have made a choice for themselves.

It's normal to parent your child however you decide.
I'm sure all of our children were comfortable and fed though.

Choices? Until they have the experience, how do they know what to choose from?
It is not sensible to offer little children a choice IMO.
The adult has the responsibility to keep the children safe and healthy not the other way around.

At 3 & 5, I can assure you my children definitely had their own opinion on things
And could confidently choose their best option out of the 3.

It's the same as Nursery, they get a choice of different fruit and have to choose one.
Packed lunches etc

It's good to give them the confidence of making decisions for themselve, especially for school aged children.

Totally, within a healthy framework- as you say, not what do you want, or do you want crisps, sweet or a fruit- nought wrong with 'which do you want, apple or peach'?.

Totally, within a healthy framework- as you say, not what do you want, or do you want crisps, sweet or a fruit- nought wrong with 'which do you want, apple or peach'?

Absolutely what I mean.
I don't mean 'do you want a Kitkat Chunky or Curly whirly for breakfast?'

Exactly March

I’ve always given my 10 yo daughter choices in what she eats and what she wears, although she knows that some days we all eat different things for tea and some days we eat more or less the same. She’s chosen what she wants to wear since she was tiny. I don’t find it particularly stressful though.

Many of the tantrums are because young children feel they have no control over their lives. It helps to make them feel more in control if they can have a choice, often between two or three things, more can confuse.

That said, the 'would you like Mummy or Daddy to carry you up to bed?' ploy doesn't work on 28 month old grandson. He thinks about it for a moment or two, then says quite pleasantly 'No, I don't want to go to bed'!

mumofmadboys

I think children should be given choices. It shows we respect their opinion and it helps them to be confident as they grow up in their ability to make decisions. We have 5 children so it was a set meal for everyone. However when they were little they were offered a choice of socks, pants etc. Also for lunch , after a savoury item, they were offered a yoghurt or a piece of fruit.

That is what I call limited choices which is a good thing.

DH once complained to me that I didn't lay his clothes out on the bed for him when he went for a shower which is what his then boss's wife did for his boss!

So in essence, we all give limited choices.
Nice to know we are all singing from the same song sheet, even if our words are slightly different.

I agree with those so far who have said that presenting children with a choice of two "positive" things (apple or peach? Shoes or trainers?) is sensible.

I actively encouraged my children to make their own decisions because I realised that I had never been allowed to form my own opinions or decide things for myself. Something I still struggle with today.

It's certainly not a new thing and,if applied in suitable situations and in moderation it should surely reduce stress rather than make parents flustered.

I didn't give them a lot of choice with food, I just served up what I knew they would like. And I would never force them to eat more than they wanted. They know best when they are full up.

I don't think we are all saying the same thing

One thing is saying : peach or yogurt?
A very different is: this is your dinner - yiu can choose to eat it or not - how is that a reasonable sets of options for the child to pick?

It's very unreasonable.
You're right.

One of my children decided to become a vegetarian aged 6. None of the family then were veggies. I accepted his decision and catered for it. 19 years later he is still veggie and in excellent health.

how about asking, would you like to wear a blue sock and a red sock, or ....a red sock and a blue sock today.

If a DC wants to wear one of each, fine by me. Not a problem.