A tricky situation

Littleswan23

The mother is my DH’s stepdaughter. He has one daughter of his own who lives a distance away and does not have or want children. I feel he is a bit jealous of the relationship I have with my daughter. He accepts he will never have grandchildren of his own. My daughter I feel is giving him another chance. I just don’t want him to mess it up. As, he only had one daughter he has never had to deal with 2 children together. Yes, I do feel like I’m treading on eggshells sometimes.

That does make more sense now. It’s not right, but could it be your husband sees your grandson as just another child? I never let my children stay overnight with their grandparents, because I felt it unnecessary, and they really weren’t capable anyway.

I wouldn’t be giving chances, especially to someone who’s not the real grandparent. Sorry.

I sometimes feel in a similar situation with my dh and gc. He has helped with childcare while my son and dil are at work, but is sometimes a bit too loud or gruff with them. They are his step grandchildren and his own ac do not have children and are not likely to. Although he says that he doesn't mind about that when I see how he interacts with the gc I can tell that he would love gc of his own and he does enjoy having the children around. Young children can be very full on and so when we have them for the day I make sure we do things that help to use up their energy.

Ittleswan* as mum is his step daughter I can see why she might ask you to speak to him. However could you all have a chat together about it?

but how does he feel about their staying; perhaps he doesn't like it. it;s his home too. have you discussed this with him.

I would have a serious, sit down conversation with him to remind him that these are young children visiting for enjoyment. Your home is not a boarding school and the visit is not for toughening them up. Children are children. They are still learning to regulate their emotions and harsh reactions like this do nothing but stunt that learning process.

Good luck!

The mother is my DH’s stepdaughter. He has one daughter of his own who lives a distance away and does not have or want children. I feel he is a bit jealous of the relationship I have with my daughter. He accepts he will never have grandchildren of his own. My daughter I feel is giving him another chance. I just don’t want him to mess it up. As, he only had one daughter he has never had to deal with 2 children together. Yes, I do feel like I’m treading on eggshells sometimes.

so he is your husband; does he have any children, has he raised any.
does he not really want small children staying.
why do they have to stay overnight.
it is unreasonable to expect a 5 year old to be assertive enough to state that he is not going to GM's because last time he was frightened.
your husband seems to lack emotional intelligence or empathy. it is not so much the misguided hosing, but his lack of apology when it scared the child. he seems more hung up on his own image, and what the neighbours will think.
that is not a good atmosphere for small children.
and you admit to being a bit scared of him.

I think your daughter should be speaking directly to her father about what her son said. She should then request directly from him clear reassurance. If he refuses to give it or discuss his mistake she should not let the child stay. I am saying that because:
*it appears (tho we don't know exactly what child said to his mother, she does!) that the child is worried/scared/at the very least nervous.
*Grandad is taking no responsibility despite being a grown man. Worried about neighbours feelings, not his relationship with his grandchild or grandchildren feelings
*child has told his mum how he feels
*neither child nor his mother have had reassurance from grandad
*Grandad and the child's mother need to take responsibility for this problem
*you should not be the worrying "piggy in the middle!"

Poor you

Little swan. I too avoid confrontation at all costs so do understand how hard it can be.
However your husband must remember your gs is a small child and he is the adult and should act accordingly, and if he is getting irritated he should leave the room and go elsewhere.
I hope you have an enjoyable time and all goes well.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am a very non confrontational person and just don’t like any upset. I also feel for my GS as he was so upset at the time. Both my daughter and I have spoken to my GS and reassured him that grandpa won’t do the same thing again. However, when I spoke to DH and he said nothing, I am now not feeling reassured. DH does have a short fuse and as someone said he’s fine when they’re behaving but doesn’t know how to react when things get more difficult. I will follow your advice and try to diffuse any situation that arises. I should be looking forward to their visit instead of stressing. Hopefully all will be well. Thanks again everyone

It seems that in his own clumsy way grandad was trying to engage with the little boy, but yes, it all went horribly wrong.
If he were my boy I would definitely be quite cross, and certainly not make the boy go back if he didn’t want to.
But the parents, with reservations, seem happy enough to let him go

You hope for the best, but intervene if your husband shouts at either child again.

Ask him nicely not to shout please, then leave the room taking the children with you.

You then say to the children, "We'll leave granddad to get over his temper tantrum alone, won't we?

Play it down as far as possible to the children and tear a strip off their grandfather the minute they go home.

No child should be shouted at, although I will admit that most of us have been driven to do so now and then.

Your husband played a silly joke that misfired - very likely he won't do so again, but you need to be prepared for it if he does shout at the children again.

Unfortunately I think that having a conversation with DH is the only available route here.
If you are hesitant because you’re expecting a bad reaction, then imagine how a 5 yo will feel around someone who has hurt their feelings.
In the mums shoes all I’d be looking for is a bit of reassurance, is DH capable of that?
Whilst the initial incident probably wasn’t all that serious, the reaction to it seems to have been the issue and the fact that you are worried about raising it again validates that DH might be a bit more volatile or stern in his reactions.
Until this is raised as a bigger conversation with DH about his reactions, this will continue to be an issue because nothing will change.

Sara1954 you, for instance, said I doubt he’ll let it happen again, he’ll probably go out for the day.
You can't have the faintest idea about that but you think it will all be fine.

'Not all that serious' say some - maybe not serious but unpleasant for the child.
If the adults involved could reassure him that grandad is sorry and won't frighten him again, that would be nice.

But it seems they can't do that because grandad thinks he did nothing wrong.

Sadly many parents make the wrong decisions based on family expectations, pressure, wrong priorities

Hithere
Of course it isn’t alright, but if the child is really afraid of grandad, is it really likely his parents would send him again.
Grandad obviously handled it badly, but we don’t know all the details, so perhaps he should be given another chance.

His mother is making a bad judgement call and let the sleepover happen.
She is not standing up for her son, imho

Sleepovers are optional, not a necessity

I agree with farnorth

Given past threads of children are not raised tough enough these days and parents are too soft, I am not surprised with the responses, sadly

This child fears this grandfather and that is apparently ok.

I think the child can't be too bothered about it or he would say that he didn't want to stay again

FarNorth
I don’t think anyone is excusing him, but it seems to be a situation that got out of hand.
It can’t have been too serious, because if it was his mother wouldn’t let him go back.

I'm astonished by so many here making excuses for the man.

I agree that it’s not healthy or appropriate to yell at a five year old, especially when you’re not their parent.
But it does sound to me that grandad just didn’t know how to deal with the situation, we have a seven year old grandson, who can sometimes get into a rage if any of us or his siblings tease him. We just ignore him and a few seconds later he’ll walk back in as if nothing has happened.
Obviously we don’t really know what happened, so it’s all guesswork.

Does your DH have a bad temper, or a history of angry outbursts, or was this a one off? Anger like that can feel vey violent when you’re on the receiving end, even if no violence was intended. Very scary for a 5 year old.

I remember the incident

It is obvious that it impacted the gc more than expressed in the previous thread - he didn't just shake it off and played happily in a few minutes after the incident.

As a mother of the child, your husband would have to stop doing things like that and follow my rules or sleepovers would stop.

The anxiety this is creating on the child is unhealthy

I remember the OPs original post about this a few months ago. Have you not seen your grandchildren since then, or just not had them to stay over? I know times have been difficult with recent restrictions, so you may not have seen much of them, and the grandchildren may naturally feel a little apprehensive about staying over anyway. If you have seen them, how has your DH been with them, and how has your little GS been around him?

I think perhaps that your DH was probably a little bit embarrassed, and felt guilty that he'd upset your GS, and he didn't really know how to respond. If your GS hasn't seen him for a while, he may feel a little apprehensive because of what happened, especially as you say he's a sensitive soul. He just needs a bit of reassurance that grandad meant no harm.

When they come to stay, could you organise a nice little outing with your grandchildren, and your DH, so that your GS can see that his grandad isn't really an old meany, and he can have fun with him? Maybe a trip to the park, a farm, a picnic, etc.?

I personally wouldn't make too big a deal about it. Once your GS realises that his grandad can be fun, and it was just a one off, hopefully he'll be fine. Your DH probably feels really bad about the whole thing, and he'll only feel worse and awkward around the children if you continue to speak about it. Of course, if it was something that happened more than once, then that's a different matter.

Grand parents should be kind and trusted not impatient or selfish. As children we lived with our paternal grandmother having our own rooms to live and sleep in. I have no nice memories of her as she was hard and impatient. My memory of her is a nasty battle axe not good really.

Grandchildren need patience and I think losing it with them is wrong. I would not hesitate to mention it as it needs nipping in the bud. You can’t be on edge every time you get a visit grandad needs to soften his approach.