A tricky situation

It’s good that you mentioned this to your husband and this makes him think before he speaks when your grandchildren visit. Hope it all goes well,

Well he wouldn’t answer would he as then he’d have to protest and argue his side so he chose to keep quiet hopefully it went in, but you don’t say what the little boy did or how he was reprimanded so it’s hard to tell who was right or wrong

Why did he get cross? More information needed please.

I have always said that if I’m looking after the children, I have to be able to tell them off when necessary. You can’t be in a situation where they know they can behave badly with no reprimands, but we don’t know how your husband told them off, if he yelled at them, it would have been inappropriate.
One of my daughters once asked me to apologise to her daughter for telling her off, apologise? She was lucky I hadn’t carted her straight back home!
She’s a young woman now, and lovely.

You and your husband need to agree on discipline strictures, but the issue here seems to be that the grandson is nervous about staying. As he is coming to stay again, it sounds as though your daughter isn't too troubled by whatever occurred.

Have you asked DH for reassurance again, now, in hope of it then being fresh in his mind?

GS was crying outside in the garden as DH had sprayed him with a hose by surprise intending it to be fun but GS got really upset. DH shouted at him to stop crying and get inside as we would disturb the neighbours. GS continued to cry and I tried to comfort him outside. DH did play with him later but never apologised and GS who is a sensitive soul has taken it to heart and now fears DH anger.

If signs of this happening again crop up, I am afraid I would do the Granny thing and usher the children off into the garden or down to the playground to get them away from Grandad.

You are very brave to confront your DH with it. I hope you can re-negotiate with him before they arrive. Can your stepdaughter say a word?

Sorry, crossed post.

My OH used to leave the GC to me - he did not have enough patience with the. He was great as long as they were behaving, but was clueless if they stepped out of line.

He had no skills when it came to predicting reactions and heading situations off at the pass before they got out of hand.

Mind you it was a bit like that with our DDs!

I think your OH was a bit out of order to spray GS with water without proper warning. And he should not have shouted.

I hope that your 2 days go well now that you have said something to OH. The GC do need some boundaries; but it is generally accepted that visits to GPs are a bit of a treat and there are a few indulgences - what else are GPs for!?

My daughter asked me to mention that GS was worried before he came to stay again. She is happy for DH to say stuff eg leaving the table etc but did not feel DH had acted kindly in this situation which I do have to agree. It took a lot for me to mention it as I had promised her I would

He was a bit out of order, but he didn’t do it out of spite, he thought he was having a bit of fun with your grandson.
Men of his generation tend to think little boys should be a bit tougher, and are embarrassed by lots of tears.
I’m not saying that’s right, but I think he just got into a situation which got a bit out of control.
I doubt he’ll let it happen again, he’ll probably go out for the day.

Your DH upset a young child unintentionally and didn't think of immediately apologising and comforting?
That shows he's putting himself, and what the neighbours think (!), first - instead of the child's needs.

It's a good suggestion that he should go out for the day if he won't give an assurance to be more thoughtful.

You’ve posted about this before I think Littleswan?

I thought it had got itself sorted, but perhaps not?

Men don’t show their fears and feelings like women do. Maybe he did feel bad about the boy but couldn’t express himself? The reason I’m suggesting this is just yesterday my little GD ran into a post my OH was picking up. She hurt her face and was really upset- more so than usual. He said nothing and looked angry/disgusted and went to work in the garage out of the way. I said nothing and eventually my Gd calmed down and they went home. Later that night my OH said can you contact them and make sure she’s ok as I’m really worried. It really upset me. I was surprised as as I say he didn’t look upset or worried. We never know what’s going on inside a person.

Didn’t you post about this before? It is difficult to gauge it just right with little ones. The fine line between fun, and basically...not fun.

I personally don’t go in for the grandchildren overnight thing, unless there was an emergency. Is there any need for them to stay at all at the moment? Particularly as the five year old is on edge. Surely it’s supposed to be enjoyable for them.

I think I said before, my husband can put his foot in it with the ‘ fun’ thing which just isn’t! We normally just say something like, “ silly grandad, what is he doing?”. Then ours go home, and it’s all forgotten next time.

Hope you manage to sort it.

Yes calandergirl is correct this is not a new problem I ve read this exact scenario before now you have expanded what actually happened
Do you mean he has done the same thing twice months
apart !!! Or are you just going over the old scenario
I m not sure I understand

Why did it take you a lot of time to mention it? Are you frightened of him? or just his reactions?

Grand parents should be kind and trusted not impatient or selfish. As children we lived with our paternal grandmother having our own rooms to live and sleep in. I have no nice memories of her as she was hard and impatient. My memory of her is a nasty battle axe not good really.

Grandchildren need patience and I think losing it with them is wrong. I would not hesitate to mention it as it needs nipping in the bud. You can’t be on edge every time you get a visit grandad needs to soften his approach.

I remember the OPs original post about this a few months ago. Have you not seen your grandchildren since then, or just not had them to stay over? I know times have been difficult with recent restrictions, so you may not have seen much of them, and the grandchildren may naturally feel a little apprehensive about staying over anyway. If you have seen them, how has your DH been with them, and how has your little GS been around him?

I think perhaps that your DH was probably a little bit embarrassed, and felt guilty that he'd upset your GS, and he didn't really know how to respond. If your GS hasn't seen him for a while, he may feel a little apprehensive because of what happened, especially as you say he's a sensitive soul. He just needs a bit of reassurance that grandad meant no harm.

When they come to stay, could you organise a nice little outing with your grandchildren, and your DH, so that your GS can see that his grandad isn't really an old meany, and he can have fun with him? Maybe a trip to the park, a farm, a picnic, etc.?

I personally wouldn't make too big a deal about it. Once your GS realises that his grandad can be fun, and it was just a one off, hopefully he'll be fine. Your DH probably feels really bad about the whole thing, and he'll only feel worse and awkward around the children if you continue to speak about it. Of course, if it was something that happened more than once, then that's a different matter.

I remember the incident

It is obvious that it impacted the gc more than expressed in the previous thread - he didn't just shake it off and played happily in a few minutes after the incident.

As a mother of the child, your husband would have to stop doing things like that and follow my rules or sleepovers would stop.

The anxiety this is creating on the child is unhealthy

Does your DH have a bad temper, or a history of angry outbursts, or was this a one off? Anger like that can feel vey violent when you’re on the receiving end, even if no violence was intended. Very scary for a 5 year old.

I agree that it’s not healthy or appropriate to yell at a five year old, especially when you’re not their parent.
But it does sound to me that grandad just didn’t know how to deal with the situation, we have a seven year old grandson, who can sometimes get into a rage if any of us or his siblings tease him. We just ignore him and a few seconds later he’ll walk back in as if nothing has happened.
Obviously we don’t really know what happened, so it’s all guesswork.

I'm astonished by so many here making excuses for the man.