How do I discipline step-grandchildren - help please

I feel your pain JillN, boisterous 'wild' children can be exhausting, we had six of them with us last weekend! But after a couple of hours romping in the garden peace and calm was restored.

We have one step-grandchild, we treat him just the same as all our other GCn. He's a fussy eater but I don't make anything special for him, if he doesn't like what's on offer - tough! He usually tucks in and doesn't complain.

With all our GC if an area of the house is off-limits to them (eg my craft room) they may ask why but will accept a simple explanation and respect that. I put fragile or precious possessions out of sight or reach of the youngest ones.

Prepare for a busy active day and pin a big welcoming smile on your face before you open the door. If they're only visiting for a day hang on to the thought that they'll be going home soon! Have a glass of your favourite tipple or beverage ready to collapse with after they've gone.

Good luck!!

Sounds like a nightmare but as they're your partner's grandchildren , let him deal with them & step back , not worth getting too involved !

JillN, I DO agree with your point about marriage/not being married. It's irrelevant whether you're married or not. The bit that is relevant, is that they're not your grandchildren. My GS has over the last year broken a couple of bits in my house that I liked and that had a little sentimental (and financial) value. I am a bit upset about it BUT he's my darling GS and my love for him massively outweighs any damage he does. He might get told off for it, but my concern for material things is minor in comparision to him.

Definitely have a plan for days out and wet day projects, check menu likes and dislikes before they come, if their mother says don't worry about food say you will be only cooking one type of meal per mealtime then and it is that or nothing. Picnic type lunches are best leave them graze then But say evening meal is sit down and no toys etc. Perhaps the girls can help you prepare one of two meals during their stay, I would definitely keep things simple even if it is fish fingers / burgers and oven chips for one or two meals can always do a salad to go with it , perhaps platter type foods so they can take the food they like, but on the premise that if they touch it they must eat a little of it. Buy some cups with straws and lids attached so they don't spill drinks . Box you valuable /treasured ornaments up or put them high up out of the way. Remember you don't have to be there all the time arrange a meal/ coffee time with friends during the visit . And deep breath and relax .

I do understand that it’s different when they’re not your own Gdcs - your tolerance is bound to be less when you don’t love them (and maybe don’t even like them - it’s certainly not obligatory to like other people’s children) but to save stress, I’d definitely put any precious breakables away or out of reach.

And as for food, I’d ask what they usually like, and make that. It’s just easier all round. (And if it’s just pizza or pasta with tomato sauce, who cares - at least it’s easy!).

That’s what I’ve always done with visiting Gdcs, though I don’t need to worry so much about breakables now the 2 elder, who come to stay now and then, are a bit older.
For the under 2 I’d still put anything precious well out of reach.

Caleo

Geekesse, this forum is and as long as I have been here (mostly in a former incarnation) a suitable place for expressing feelings. Feelings are not only permissible they are also necessary for people who are not robots. As a matter of fact expressive posts and objective posts are not poles apart.

Oh, I absolutely agree it’s a good place to discuss feelings. But the OP said it was a ‘private forum’, and it isn’t. However, she does need to express her feelings, and many gransnetters have wise advice and support to offer. I was merely suggesting a more private way she could access the wisdom on here.

Oh sorry, BlueBelle, I had not understood that!

Caleo I totally agree BUT it isn’t private as long as people know this they can express away but Jill called it a private site she needs to be aware it is not private

I think the trouble is Jill you kinda came in with the wrong title asking how do I discipline these step grandkids sounding very draconian, most people know you don’t discipline someone else’s children
You also seem to have very set ideas that because you cook good food they should be prepared to eat it that won’t work either as you ve found out kids tastes change and they aren’t all perfect with eating
You say you have a grandchild you adore so that’s great but just because these don’t fit in with your standards don’t make them baddies They sound like fairly normal 5/7 year olds and I presume they are only come for a short visit with their grandad
You haven’t said one nice thing about them in all your posts only the negative I have a feeling that you are a lady who likes control and calm, and for a few days you need to relax and try to ENJOY them, get on the floor and play with them, chat to them talk about their friends, their hobbies, their school, get some garden toys in, some colouring stuff , some puzzles
(charity shops have all sorts cheap as chips) and let them enjoy their little holiday with a grandad who loves them
You can clear up when they ve gone, breath a sigh of relief and get back to your ordered life, but for a few days let your hair down you might even enjoy them
This isn’t meant as a harsh post but realistic

Geekesse, this forum is and as long as I have been here (mostly in a former incarnation) a suitable place for expressing feelings. Feelings are not only permissible they are also necessary for people who are not robots. As a matter of fact expressive posts and objective posts are not poles apart.

JillN asked
How do I discipline step-grandchildren - help please
And the answer was - you don't if the parent is there too.

I don't think that is harsh, it's reasonable.

If I had valuable antiques I would put them away whilst they were staying - that's not harsh either. At least you won't spend the time on tenterhooks worrying about the antiques.

Have you got a garden?
If the weather is fine, throw them outside (not literally, of course)
Buy a ball, inexpensive outdoor toys, let them get exhausted.

Try to enjoy their visit.

JillN, as BlueBelle points out, GN is NOT a private forum. If you want to vent your feelings privately, this is not a good place to do that. Do you have a close friend you could meet for a coffee to let off steam about all this? Failing that, try sending a private message to one or more of those who have responded in helpful ways to your concerns on this thread, asking if they would be willing to carry on a conversation by PM.

Aww, bless you...what a battering you’ve had! It is hard. I’ve found it hard with my own grandchildren at times, when I’ve felt discipline has not been forthcoming. Especially around food and how to behave in other peoples houses.

Our grandchildren are always supervised in my living room. Nothing to do with anything precious...more safety. Tables these days have such sharp corners, and if they run and trip...?. There are different ways of approaching discipline now it seems, but I know I would never have been allowed to behave like this, and neither were my children. Now it’s all about children ‘ finding themselves’. I just found myself in trouble...constantly!

I don’t know what to advise really. Can I just ask...have you had children/ grandchildren yourself? If not, then it’s even more understandable you struggle. Your husband should be supporting you.

One thing I did do around food which really helped, is I always ask my children to bring their kids main eats with them, and I just top up on treat like nibbles. If they then don’t want it/ half eat it, it’s their own food that’s wasted.

Children are not quite in charge.....yet!

otherwise I wouldn't be venting my feelings on a private forum
JillL this isn’t a private forum our threads often make their way to Gransnet on FB and the Daily Mail if they are interesting enough
Obviously I am willing to tolerate it for my partner's sake
and this is the clue You are maybe not used to children or don’t like children or don’t like these children if you are doing it to placate your partner without your heart in it it will be a nightmare for you, I do hope you can see these two little ones not as monsters but as your partner (who you love) flesh and blood and put your own comfort beyond making it nice for him and them It’s not forever is it surely his happiness comes above your need to be ‘ in charge’ because that’s your problem it is going out if your comfort zone and control
Good luck I hope you can manage

PS JillN I sympathise with you . Two neighbouring nine or ten year olds were allowed into my garden to play with my dog, at their request. Not only did they not know how to behave with a dog, they were obviously unaccustomed to gardens and they knocked down a clump of ferns that I had been watching over for weeks.

Your problem is not matter for criticism .It is purely practical problem about hyperactive children who need to be turned loose somewhere safe.

Dear judgemental geekesse,
1. I have another room where I can receive guests. My 'knick-knacks' include antique glass and are irreplacable.
2. What is 'normal'? Obviously I am willing to tolerate it for my partner's sake or they wouldn't be coming and I wouldn't be venting my feelings on a private forum.
3. I consider my partner's feelings all the time, which is why I have not explained to him MY feelings.
4. Quite right. It's complicated.
5. The point about not being married is pure pedantry. I have never made any comment about how they interact with their grandfather - they, and he, do as they like. Thanks for the relationship counselling.

JillN it seems from your description the children are not exercised enough and are naturally overflowing with energy. Maybe they have been sitting in the car for a long time on their way to your place.

Is there some way you can suggest to the parent the children are taken out into the open air for exercise they enjoy?

I'd be tempted to say to the children that their mother is going to go exploring the park/beach/museum/castle/playground/local squirrels with them.

At meal time maybe set the children to compete with each other to finish the food they are given , first done gets a mystery prize.

I agree with Jillyjosie The op has had some harsh responses to a reasonable question. The children sound like brats to me. I wouldn’t have let my children behave like this and certainly didn’t behave like this when I was children! I would have received a dressing down if I had!
However they are the partner’s children and you must grin and bear it for family harmony. I’d take out all valuables and pack away in your bedroom. My other tip would be to spend about £10-20 on some age appropriate toys that can be put in a box that the children can play with while they are there, taking focus away from breakables.
Re fussiness, a number friends provide childcare for their gc and they come over to mine quite often. I have some children friendly food in the freezer, chicken nuggets, fish fingers, chips, and carrots, and haven’t had a child that has turned that down yet! Perhaps serve them something that takes 0 effort to serve along with the meal and invite mum into the kitchen to have a glass of wine and help.
Crossing my fingers it all goes well for you!

I agree with those that have pointed out the unkind responses to a not unreasonable question.
The behaviours described are not 'normal', they are how children are allowed to behave. I'll bet that most Gransnetters had to behave a darn sight better when they were 5 and 7! And if they didn't, they got what was called a clip around the ear!! Not everyone appreciates rudeness and those children sound rude in the making. As for toys at the table?! It'll be mobile phones next, jolly good.

I can remember when I was growing up, my aunt had an entire house of antiques and breakables. She always said she refused to put them away and said she never had a single thing broken in all her years of having kids visit. She had expectations and we all knew it. That being said, kids are raised differently these days. I never kept any breakables in my house, even Christmas ornaments, because between kids, cats and dogs nothing would have survived. My children still know how to behave in other peoples houses by 5 and 7.

As for the issues at hand, have you considered planning out a menu and asking the kids to cook with you? It could be a family affair.

Kids learn to love more types of food when they have a hand in making it. You could even reach out to mom first and say, I want the kids to cook with me, can we speak about a menu they would enjoy? Let them makes some choices and you make some choices and everyone agrees to try one bite.

This will keep them busy and out of your sitting room and you all may learn to enjoy each other's company more.

If all else fails, find somewhere outside to sit and visit.

I agree with the post suggesting putting valuables away. Maybe show one to the girls and tell them the story behind it and how valuable it is to you.

Expecting children of that age to be totally into foods they may not be familiar with or have never seen isn’t realistic. Could you invite them to help you prepare a simple dish? The time together could help form a bond based on companionship rather than distrust and anxiety.

You may come to a time where they are pleasurable and you can enjoy them.

Discipline is for their parents.

Even if grandad takes the children out there will still be time to be spent in the house and children are not ornaments or perfect. I’m afraid I’m the sort of step granny where they climb the mountain…. over the back of the sofa. Make a tent/nest under the table using every available cushion and throw. And make obstacle courses using dining chairs, coffee table and furniture. One game is to cross from one end of the room to the other without touching the floor. Another indoor game is to have two balloons on the go and see how long to keep them in the air. Adults are included. That one is a blast. 6 grandchildren from 4 - 14 and never a breakage or damage. I’ve never moved anything out of the way. Just no shoes allowed on the furniture.

I’d suggest op removes everything she will worry about. Get it all out of harms way doing it with good grace. Have mum cook their food. Tell mum to treat the kitchen/home as her own. Feel free to use the washing machine etc.
Honestly op. Greet them openly and joyously and you could have a great time. Nothing material is worth any bad feeling.
Do this for your partner/husband.
Bite your tongue if necessary but keep smiling and laughing.
And when they go home do not list to your partner/husband their faults or misdemeanours. He will love you the more for it.

Vinegar is no good, it’s smiles, kindness and maybe even cuddles.

Snap MissElly

How long are they staying? Just a day or overnight?
Count to five, put on a big smile, make them feel Welcome and encourage their grandfather to take them out for a while and you put your feet up.
If you aren’t careful they will pick up on your feelings which would be a pity for everyone especially your partner.
Hopefully it won’t be as bad as you fear.

Wow, a lot of very harsh judgment here. I’m relatively new to gransnet but must admit the advice is usually kinder and more balanced than on this thread. Maybe people are having a bad day. I’m sorry you’re dreading the visit. I would agree that putting away valuable breakable things is just common sense, if irritating. Regarding their manners, yes, it’s a pain in the a** , try to be the bigger person and thank the gods that you only have them for a day or two!! Best of luck, and try not to work yourself up too much about them. Maybe they are nervous too, especially their mum!