Paying?

Karen1963 glad it's all sorted for you. Obviously a different way of doing things in Denmark.

Eloethan

nadeteturbe Good for you. That sounds really nice and sensible.

Eloethan thanks.

First of all thank you all very much for your time and for all the answers. Thank you!
Well, the dilemma is somehow solved now. We will watch the play, and then leave.
I said to my husband “Or you attend the whole thing alone or we can go together, without “The Banket” (way to expensive for what it is, by the way, and, buy the way in the screen shot everybody was also told to help with the cleaning- up after it all, or as it said “we expect you to…”!. ). Summa summarum this invitation mess seems a little like “I invite you to go to Tivoli next friday, but you must pay for the “trip pass” out of your own pocket!” My husband just told our son how it’s going to be, and it was all right, but it was also evident, that he had not intended to let the invitation include a meal. Thank you also for the compliments on my english, you are VERY kind :-) Still it’s difficult to explaine oneself properly in a non- native language. Why didn’t I rise my question in a danish forum then? Well I have been following Gransnet for quite some time, and I like the english points of view, always very polite and educated, we danes could learn a lot from you. This first post of mine at Gransnet has been very helpful, and I am touched that some nice english women did spend time to answer and share opinions. 1000 tak!

nadeteturbe Good for you. That sounds really nice and sensible.

Hithere and you could earn a lot and have a lot left over after essential expenses. And a big spender could include paying for invited guests.

Comparisons are deadly

Comparing your income with another one is like comparing apples and oranges - numbers do not fully define your financial health indicator.

You can earn a lot but have a lot of expenses or a big spender
You can earn little but be financially wise

No need to call anyone on here immature Hithere that's just being rude for it's own sake.

Several of us, including the OP have merely mentioned that their children are quite comfortably off compared to our own incomes.

It seems a bit unusual to charge so much at a Scandi daycare - is it a fundraiser for the class, PTA or the school? (Remembers the "Christmas market" fundraiser after the Saint Lucia day concert at a small village school in rural Sweden where each class had a stall selling parents the Christmas craft projects)

I think you should clarify with your son - as he sent you a screenshot of the letter they got he might not intend for you to pay at all.

sibgle patent?? single parent.

I feel incredibly mean to consider not giving them all the same I find it a really impossible dilemma

Bluebelle I have no difficulty. My daughter is a single parent. The other two have partners and good income. I sometimes send them all a gift of money and am generous with presents.
However my daughter gets much more. I have told her she is never to worry about anything while I have savings. Its stressful enough being a sibgle patent without money worries. She doesn't take advantage. I don't feel guilty at all.

^I also want to bring up the idea that "the parents have a higher income than the grandparents".
The parents may also have a higher expense level due to their phase in life, so passing the buck from the gp to the parents is immature^

And the parents may still be more able to pay than the GP. And I think it's mannerly to pay for something that you invite your parents to unless you state when inviting that there's a charge they will have to pay.

It is great to have been invited!

Maybe it is the school's rule to have attendees pay for the food at the event? Is it something organized on top of the event?

In my daycare, when it is a fall/summer/winter/ special event situation, every parents picks an item from the list and brings it to the party- apart from paying the daycare fee

I also want to bring up the idea that "the parents have a higher income than the grandparents".
The parents may also have a higher expense level due to their phase in life, so passing the buck from the gp to the parents is immature.

Luluaugust, BlueBelle same here!

karen If it feels awkward to address this now, could you bite the bullet and pay this once?
But, contact them afterwards and say you would like to clarify the situation with regards to the financial obligations ie presents, gifts and outings for any future situations.
Brilliant English!

I would ask about the meal and paying. If you possibly can go you should as it is lovely to have the memories later on.
Bluebelle similar situation regarding the children's income, we just give them all the same on the basis it is a gift but I agree it is difficult to feel you have done the right thing.

I agree with others I have never been to any paid for kids concerts often a voluntary contribution for something or other but not anything else but maybe it’s different in Denmark (your English is great by the way) I think the best way to avoid any concerns is to say we d love to come to the concert but we won’t stay for the meal afterwards that gives him the clue to say ‘oh we ve already bought the tickets’ or ‘well it was going to be our treat’ or if a bit on the mean side ‘ok up to you’
I do find money and kids hard I have one child who is way way better off than me or my other two I normally send all three the same amount for birthdays and Christmas but I know it is not really needed by one but definitely by the other two but I feel incredibly mean to consider not giving them all the same I find it a really impossible dilemma

I think that often our children, who are used to having good incomes, just don't even consider that some parents are not rolling in spare money and have to be careful how their income is spent.

I have no easy answer - if you tell them you don't wish to spend that amount on the meal they may think you are mean, but if you don't say anything your finances may well be strained.

What a shame they didn't just tell you everything was paid for you.

Eloethan

Karen1963 If your adult children are aware that your finances are limited, I would expect them to treat you - and perhaps that is their intention. If you find you are expected to pay, perhaps you can say you would prefer to skip the food since it is an added expense you have not budgeted for.

I also agree that the cost should have been mentioned right at the start if it is a cost you are expected to incur.

It seems from what you say that having to buy so many presents at Christmas, birthdays, etc. is putting a financial strain on you. Perhaps it is time to explain at a later stage that you will have to cut back on this by giving smaller, inexpensive gifts. It may well be that your children are not aware of the strain this puts on your finances.

Your English is excellent by the way.

Good reply, I can’t think of a better one.

Your English is excellent karen. Are you sure your son didn't just send the screen shot for information about the event without really thinking about the implied cost. Check to see if the refreshments are optional as others have said.
Maybe it's time to have an honest talk with your children and explain your financial situation and that you are finding it expensive to buy presents for all the grandchildren much as you love them

If the screen shot was just for information and your son is paying then I think he should have sent a text with details that didn't include how much he was paying OR added a message saying it's my treat.
I would just tell him you can't afford to go. I think £12 each is a bit much. Especially if its not optional. I also think missing a kindergarten play isn't that important tbh.
You sound like you are spending more than you feel comfortable with generally. I think it's time to be honest and just say presents will be less expensive from now on.
Your English is very good by the way. ?

I am sorry that you are not in a financial position to go to the little one’s ‘play’. Perhaps your son doesn’t expect you to pay - he just sent you a screen shot of the programme. That’s all it was. And if he’s aware of your financial position, I doubt he will expect you to pay. I agree, children and grandchildren can be an expensive joy. I have 3 children and 6 grandchildren. I will die a pauper ? good luck and by the way, your English is very good ,

Karen1963 If your adult children are aware that your finances are limited, I would expect them to treat you - and perhaps that is their intention. If you find you are expected to pay, perhaps you can say you would prefer to skip the food since it is an added expense you have not budgeted for.

I also agree that the cost should have been mentioned right at the start if it is a cost you are expected to incur.

It seems from what you say that having to buy so many presents at Christmas, birthdays, etc. is putting a financial strain on you. Perhaps it is time to explain at a later stage that you will have to cut back on this by giving smaller, inexpensive gifts. It may well be that your children are not aware of the strain this puts on your finances.

Your English is excellent by the way.

This seems a large amount of money for a nursery performance, but perhaps it is a fund raising event. I don't know how nurseries function in Denmark; are they state provided and need to raise extra funds? Ask your son if you can see the performance without staying for the refreshments.

I think your son is being a little mean even mentioning the cost, and I would expect him to treat you, his main thought should be that his child has grandparents to see his play. Of course you want to go so ask him to pay for your tickets and you will settle up when you see him.

Do you really want to go? Could you just see the play, but not stay for food? £12 sounds a lot to be honest, for something children are doing, even if there is something to eat after. Unless it’s a banquet! How old is your grandchild?

I would just chat with your son, explaining you didn’t realise the cost involved, and you’re finding it hard financially. He may just offer to pay, or at least help. I know I’d want to go to anything my grandchildren do, but there’s always a limit.

Hope you enjoy if you decide to go.

Why not ask if he has already paid? Or "would you like me to contribute to the tickets?"

I hope he has already bought them!
A screenshot may just be (as others have said) to give you more info.

Hope you have a lovely time.