A month in - adjusting !

1 year old granddaughter here. Dad is my son. We have just gone with the flow tbh. Everything is different to when we had our boys so I wouldn’t even attempt to advise. The parents are doing a great job and don’t really need our advice. My DIL is very clear that when baby is with us we are responsible for her and we should do things our way. I do try to stick to the way they do things though. Just enjoy being a grandparent and don’t overthink things.

Lizzy60

Much misinterpreting of my paragraph here , as expected of course !Just plain honesty after having 4 of my own babies in 6 years back in the days of commonsense & accepting advice fro those in the family willing to offer it ! Many cultures accept that Grandparents' input is valuable rather than Googling everything & receiving mixed advice !

I'm not sure that this is totally true. I think that most generations have produced their own ideas on babycare using books and now Google and that they often taken the older generation's advice with a pinch of salt.

When I cleared my MIL's house after her death 20 years ago I found found a very well worn, 1950s copy of Dr Spock's "Baby & Childcare" that had obviously been much consulted during DH's childhood. I doubt if it bears much relation to her own mother (born 1890s) and her way of doing things.

Many things change for the better such as greater safety for babies - using car seats, sleeping on back etc. Some things are the result of trends and fashions but not necessarily better or worse than previous trends and fashions.

At the end of the day parents choose what to accept and apply when it comes to their own child.

OP you do sound rather judgmental, but i guess you know that.

Congratulations Lizzie on your lovely new grandchild.

My daughter asked me to be present at the births of all three of her babies and frequently asked for my advice, which she sometimes accepted and other times didn’t. I informed myself about current practices and made sure I never undermined her and told her she was doing great even when, due to being widowed when her first baby was tiny, she really wasn’t coping so well.

When my daughter-in-law had her first baby I kept a very low profile. So low in fact that she and my son asked me to be become more involved. My reason for stepping back was simply that I used to teach parenting classes and have a huge amount of experience with babies and I didn’t want my daughter-in-law to feel that she was being judged or needing to prove anything. In fact she’s a lovely mother and I’ve honestly been able to tell her what a great job she’s doing.

I don't understand the millennial remark either. I am Gen X and I would not have welcomed outdated advice.

"back in the days of commonsense & accepting advice fro those in the family willing to offer it ! Many cultures accept that Grandparents' input is valuable rather than Googling everything & receiving mixed advice !"

Are you saying that you don't think Millennials have common sense and that your generation does? Because that is how it comes across. When I was born my mother rode home from the hospital in the front seat with me on her lap. We don't consider that common sense now, we consider that dangerous. Even when we bite our tongue, our body language can be very telling. And comments like the one above can be read as judgmental, even when one says it is tongue in cheek.

My oldest is 17 and things are different now than they were then. I wish I had some of the knowledge and technology that is available today. Our great nephew and his wife have small ones. (we are their closest family and have a grandparent relationship with the boys) She does an amazing job raising 2 boys with autism, she makes it look easy! We are always available when asked for help, but for the most part we allow them to live their lives, and we live ours.

My suggestion to Lizzy is this …. Relax, enjoy your time with your grandchild and let time pass. It’s a learning curve especially for your DS and DIL. My DS had 2 children now 4 and 6. I didn’t always think that my DIL was right about their care etc but said nothing. When the first child was 1 I was asked to look after her one day a week. I said to my DIL that she still made the rules even when she wasn’t there and that I would stick to them. It’s easy to feel excited, emotional and maybe overwhelmed when you become a grandmother. It’s a big event and having a new baby in the family takes getting used to. Stay calm and relax.

Mine ?

Now to annoy again , babies are far happier with Mum for the first 2 years till out of nappies , my Granddaughter will be with me while her Mum works till Nursery aged 3 - oh I can hear the howls of Millennial anger already , lol !!!

Another who doesn’t understand the ‘millennials’ remark. I think you’ll probably find (from reading posts on here and mumsnet) that an awful lot of ‘millennials’ use grandparents for childcare rather than pay for it, if they can. Given that it costs nearly £1000 a month for a full time place in most of the country.

Also, I don’t think babies are necessarily far happier to be with mom all the time at that age, mine are both happy to go off to wherever they’re overfed chocolate and ice cream and there are far less rules. Guess whose house that is…

When both my DDs were simultaneously pregnant with their 1st babies, I joined Mumsnet. (This was before Gransnet existed. ) I knew that both DD's were Mumsnet members and busy discussing and learning on that site. I also learned there what was contentious re child rearing and all of the pitfalls of being an over or under involved grandparent.

My 2 DDs were like chalk and cheese as babies, so I already was well aware that what suits one does not suit another e,g, one liked to be as near naked as possible, while the other liked to be wrapped up tight = swaddling. Of the 3 DGC only one preferred to be swaddled and rocked to sleep but I was able to suggest and demonstrate this with great success - this was one of the few instances when I made a suggestion, otherwise I waited to be asked for advice.

My 2 year old gs has been going to nursery 3 days a week since he was a baby as dd works those days in a demanding job. Gd goes to school. Gs is a perfectly happy little boy apart from the odd tantrum - terrible twos and all that. I am sure your gd will be fine and have a great time with you Lizzy.

Dont understand at all. Granddaughter will be with you or with her mum ? If with you why were you worried about your role ? Also don’t know what the comment about millennials means.

Shame so many misinterpretations of my comments but this is common on social media ! Let's remember 'tongue in cheek' , hey ! Of course my relationships are in tact & thank you Madgran77 for comprehending correctly ! Now to annoy again , babies are far happier with Mum for the first 2 years till out of nappies , my Granddaughter will be with me while her Mum works till Nursery aged 3 - oh I can hear the howls of Millennial anger already , lol !!!

Congratulations on your new granddaughter and becoming a grandma
My first grandchild is 29 now and I still remember the joy and excitement when she arrived.I am also a paternal grandmother as I have no daughters.My third grandaughter lives with me and I am also a great grandmother to two lovely little boys.
I am not saying anymore as it will ''out'' me, but it is a wonderful life!

Madgran77

I had taken the OP saying My tongue is still intact , just & relationships have survived !
Along with subsequent posts about taking advice from those who would give it and that a grandparents input is valuable to mean that she hadn’t been biting her tongue but had instead been making comments and unasked for advice to the parents. I think other posters have probably taken it the same way? Especially the part about ‘relationships having survived’ I’d taken that as there had been some possibly tense moments, or a bit of conflict perhaps?

* why do so many grandparents become so overinvested in grandchildren nowadays

DO "so many grandparents become so over invested...? Yes tgere are threads on here but that is hardly evidence of "so many!"

My question is why so many on this thread are jumping in to criticise Lizzie who has simply expressed her feelings, hasn't said she is handing out unasked for advice, wondered if others had advice about early days etc! Fair question, she really doesn't deserve all the opprobrium for asking a perfectly reasonable question about others experiences

Lizzie I expect, like many others, you will be wise enough to know how to be a really great granny in a way that works for you, your grandchild and her parents. Enjoy!

A friend gave me a little book to read called Being a New Grandparent. Full of very good advice but very humorous. As a very new grandmother albeit in a different country to my daughter, I cannot tell if she’s doing things in a different way to me. All that matters is my little grandson looks clean, contented, loved and cared for. And she is doing a wonderful job I think.

It’s still ‘ early days’, and will be for some time. Sit back, be relieved it’s not you doing it all over again, leave them to it. You’re on shaky ground from the start being the sons mother. Don’t do anything until asked, and embrace the time you do have.

Relax, enjoy, and congratulations.

I didn’t have any thoughts on how my daughter was doing things with her baby, yes things were done very different to when I had given birth to her, I was just thrilled how well she coped, I certainly wasn’t about to say well I did it this way etc, her rules her baby, sit back and enjoy

Congratulations lizzy60
I am a fairly new grandmother my 2 are 2 years and 4 months.
I always sit back and let my DD and DSiL tell me how they want it done, they are their children. If they are struggling and ASK for advice I will always start with “who says the way I did it was right, but if it was me…”
I am not so pompous to think I know everything about babies and children and I am forever willing to learn. I will ASK my DD snd SiL for advice when I take care of their children and that always seems to go down well.

You over invest as much as you want I am so over invested, my whole life has changed since they arrived in my life, but my parents couldn’t be less interested in my babies so I was determined to be a better GP than that❤️

Maybe modern ways have much responsiblity for the insecurities & health issues of the young esp the explosion in obesity !

Erm, how exactly? The ‘modern ways’ that I can think of all are related directly to safety, e.g safe sleeping guidelines (which surely, given that it literally saves children’s lives any grandparent would want to follow), encourage breastfeeding and discourage early weaning/food from jars. Not sure how any of those things would create insecurities or obesity

The only other ‘modern’ thing I can think of is possibly ‘baby wearing’. But that’s only modern to the UK, has been happening forever in other countries. And has mostly stemmed from moms needing hands free to get on with things now that babies aren’t allowed to be out in prams to sleep in the garden. My nan was appalled that my health visitor would consider it neglect to do so, she asked ‘how would you cope with having six children then’. I told her I wouldn’t be having six as I’m not insane

My own mother got very frustrated at me not doing things as they were done when she had babies. I don’t think it’s necessarily a MIL/DIL issue, more that there are grandparents who take a step back and wait to be asked advice and those who offer it without asking and, usually, are used to being ‘in charge’ and take a while to get used to the change.

I think it's natural to feel frustration when things arent done as you would do them. Your DIL will no doubt feel frustration that you don't do things in your life that she would do.

It's more how you deal with those feelings thats important. And recognising them seems a great first step! Congratulations on your lovely news.

I think I did a lot wrong with my first child so was happy to see that my daughter was a caring mum who wasn't too worried about the things that I had thought of prime importance, which, in reality were not. Love and care are the most important components in my view.

Op

Just because you welcomed family's advice when it came to your babies, it doesn't mean your children will expect and be looking forward to the same

You are different people with different preferences

Absolutely no idea what you mean about rose tints or why that was aimed at me Lizzy ?? Bit puzzled

going back to your original question I didn’t feel I had any adjustments to make I was there if and when I was wanted/needed and got on with my own stuff when not

Many congrats on the birth of your dear granddaughter
You will be just fine, your post shows that you are being thoughtful and considerate of your DIL's feelings
Enjoy!