Is my daughter using me ?

Healthy boundaries are hard aren't they.
Simply say the truth as you wrote it. I don't want to go sorry but I hope you have a nice time. Then arrange to go yourself another time.
Sometimes we know when w trio would be too much for us or all the child duties may fall on us and it's ok to say no .

Notjustaprettyface

Thanks ever so much for your reassuring words and advice
I am so grateful that people like you understand and also dare to voice an opinion on some of the unkind remarks such ax’ you are very unreasonable ‘
For more clarity , the plan was to go by car and we live in the West Midlands
So it’s quite a journey which I have done many times and it’s not easy
I also don’t fancy the current COVID testing regime ans maybe I didn’t make that clear
I am saying alll this not for you smile less but for those other people who were asking
Thanks again

I used the phrase "you are being very unreasonable" OP. It is a forum category on Gransnet which I assume you are unaware of. It was not intended to be rude.
So many grans on here would jump at the chance to help their daughter, spend time with their grandchildren and see their sister and nieces.
Your thread heading of "Is my daughter using me?" is a most unreasonable assumption on your part.

I think it's a bit of a jump to consider your daughter asking you to accompany her and your grandchildren to go and see your sister in Brussels might be "using" you.

Unless she has a habit of making unreasonable demands on you (and I don't actually think this particular request is unreasonable), I think you are over-reacting.

If you are feeling especially anxious or unwell, perhaps you can suggest the trip be postponed for a little while until you feel more confident to travel.

I think you must go with what feels right for you. Explain how you feel to your daughter and discuss together when the trip might feel more feasible for YOU.

The fact that others have done looooong journeys all over the place with young children really isn't relevant to what you want to do and feel able to do is it! This is about you and your family and your choices.

One thing ...if you feel your daughter will hold this against you, it is worth thinking about how you explain why you feel unable to go, acknowledge her disappointment and saying that you would love to do it when you feel comfortable with it, Good luck

Should be 'does suggest a rather puzzling......'

Notjustaprettyface I can understand your worries now, but you hadn't told us before where you lived, although a number of people had made provisos that you hadn't told us this.

We can only offer advice and help based on what information we are given and the emphasis in your original post was whether your daughter was 'using' you or not and whether she would hold it against you for a long time, which doesn't suggest a rather puzzling and fragile family dynamic.

The simple answer is that if you think you would find the journey very tiring and sorting all the paperwork too difficult tell your daughter that you wish you could do it, but you would find the journey too tiring and the paperwork too difficult. How this would affect your relationship with your daughter, is between you and her

As others have said, sometime AC do not realise how much our physical and mental stamina declines with age and expect more than we can do, they do not mean it. It is up to us to explain it to them.

nadateturbe Obviously, if you have ME, then how much you can do, whether travelling or anything else is going to be limited.

Besides, we are all different. Some people love driving. Some don't.

Monica maybe if I was younger it would sound all right. I'm 70 with M.E.
In any case I think as you get older it gets more difficult.

You just go and enjoy yourself Notjust. It will be lovely seeing your extended fam. Well worth the hassle. Tell your daughter you do get a bit tired these days( she may not understand that, the young ones often don’t) so you need to take your time getting there and rest when you need to without having to look after the little one. Good luck and best wishes to you !

Notjustaprettyface

Thanks ever so much for your reassuring words and advice
I am so grateful that people like you understand and also dare to voice an opinion on some of the unkind remarks such ax’ you are very unreasonable ‘
For more clarity , the plan was to go by car and we live in the West Midlands
So it’s quite a journey which I have done many times and it’s not easy
I also don’t fancy the current COVID testing regime ans maybe I didn’t make that clear
I am saying alll this not for you smile less but for those other people who were asking
Thanks again

Why not do as we do, drive to Dover and stay overnight in a travel lodge? It breaks the journey and I can assure you the one we stay in is very Covid aware.

The bottom line for me is do you equate helping your daughter out with being used?
If help is given willingly that is not using you . If you re truly uncomfortable with it, and only you can know why, you have to say so.

Lizzy60 you have summed it up perfectly.

I think your Daughter just wants/needs your help . If you're used to such travel it'll be fine , if you're not , it could be a strain on you is all I can say . I hope it works out either way , good luck !

nadateturbe Friends whose work took them to the north of Scotland, near John o'Groats, regulalry drove from there to Buckinghamshire with two toddlers. We drove from Berkshire to Glasgow several times with small children.

Driving to Belgium would be a doddle, a few hours to the ferry port, the ride on the ferry and a couple of hours the other side.

I too wonder what you mean by "using you ".
But it's a lot to ask someone to do. It's not like asking you to babysit. If you don't want to go, or you havent the energy say so.
Personally driving to Belgium with two very young children does NOT sound fun.

I don’t think your daughter is using you

You're welcome Notjustaprettyface. There have been some good and helpful responses for you to think about, just remember it's your decision and there's nothing wrong in deciding you don't want to go.

Thanks ever so much for your reassuring words and advice
I am so grateful that people like you understand and also dare to voice an opinion on some of the unkind remarks such ax’ you are very unreasonable ‘
For more clarity , the plan was to go by car and we live in the West Midlands
So it’s quite a journey which I have done many times and it’s not easy
I also don’t fancy the current COVID testing regime ans maybe I didn’t make that clear
I am saying alll this not for you smile less but for those other people who were asking
Thanks again

Parents and grandparents are different though, aren't they? As a parent I travelled alone long distances with my DC and I let them do things that frankly make me wonder how they are still alive when I think of them now. But I watch DGC like a hawk when we're out! And I also worry beforehand if we're going somewhere for the day, can't help myself. Perhaps you are not feeling very confident about this, especially if you haven't travelled anywhere during lockdown, and worry about the responsibility of having the children. Whereas DD probably thinks that having an extra pair of hands for the toddler and someone to help with the luggage is great for her and means a lovely break for you with your family too. Why don't you try a day out with her first if you haven't been out with them for a while? Ask your DSis if she has room for you all? Discuss the arrangements before you agree (do you think she's using you because she wants you to pay?). Find out about the requirements for covid checks. I do think that the age of your dgc is the best age for travelling but, after lockdown, it will be strange for them too, so only do it if you feel confident and happy with the arrangements.

Does your daughter habitually "hold things against you for a long time" if you say no?

Have you suggested to her that she should invite her aunt for a visit to her, if she is disinclined to travel to Belgium alone with two children?

I presume both children are in a stroller and reasonably well behaved, so I don't see her problem at all

Why go, if you don't want to? Just say no to your daughter.

Why not a flight ?You will be there in a 'blink of an eye' and children are very well catered for on flights.

Travelling at the moment is still risky on many levels - new variant virus, potentially lockdowns and all that entails. The children are very young. You have serious doubts.
Why not postpone? Discuss a visit when the pandemic is over and the children a little more older.
If you feel very strongly that you don’t want to go, admit this and explain to her why.
You can think it all over carefully and make the right decision for yourself - don’t be railroaded!
There are some awfully critical and didactic comments! Plenty of “do as I do as My opinion must be right”.
Some very practical and sensible responses too. This is about you and your family and your choices.

sorry, I don’t think your daughter is using you

I don’t think your using you. I think it’s great that she wants to maintain family connections, when most youngsters couldn’t be bothered one way or the other. So be positive don’t nurture negative feelings and enjoy your trip !!

Could your sister and nieces come and visit you all in the UK this time?
Then do the return visit when your grandchildren are a bit older?

I think it's lovely that your daughter is keen to keep the family connections alive.

The only reason I can see where she'd be "using" you is if she's only asked you to come in the hope that you'll pay for it all.