Disappointed in son

Buying baby clothes may not be well received, despite the intentions.

Why not talk to your son and see what their expectations as grandmother are for you?

You are not excluded from a relationship you have no rights over.
If you have expressed that idea to them, it could be why they are pushing back

Thank you everyone for your views. I have to say that I have never expected or wanted to be at the birth. That is for the parents, but I have always been close with my son, let him make his own choices and never interfered but to be excluded totally from my grandson is wrong, no matter what others think. I am not a stay at home mum with nothing else in my life but my sons are dear to me. My youngest also feels that we as a family have been excluded and told him so, but makes no difference.
Since his girlfriend has been on the scene she has done her utmost to exclude us whilst her family are always invited. We do get on when we are together and I don’t interfere and unfortunately you cannot describe that in a message. No matter what it does sound like we have a good relationship it’s just we are being totally excluded. I bought some baby things and gave them to them early, they were both pleased, but then was told she has bought a whole bagful of clothes for the age group. Now that is a good idea but to say that when you have bought things for them is very ungrateful and hurtful no matter what others think. I don’t want to be part of the birth or anything like that just part of their lives. But the girlfriend prefers her own family and does everything in her power to stop any relationship.

I agree that it is totally unreasonable to expect to be present at the birth of your GC Kazza so could you clarify what you mean? Do you want to be in the delivery room or did you mean you wanted to be at the hospital when your d.i.l. goes into labour?

As for being disappointed in your son, I can understand why. You used to be close and now he doesn't want to engage with his own family; even his 'phone calls have stopped and he's spending his time with his wife's family and not having time for his own.

Any parent who sees the adult child they were once close too, pulling away and having no time for their own parents and extended family, will understand how upsetting this is.

Having a wife and his own child on the way, shouldn't mean that communication with his own family should stop.

I understand why you are worried about not being a part of his and your GC's life but there's little you can do I'm afraid. Keep in touch with him, keeping the conversation and/or messages light always remembering to ask after his wife's health and the baby's too.

As far as our GC are concerned, we do as GP's 'take a back seat' you shouldn't though have to do so with your son. Married or not, a father or not, he is still your son and you are still his mother.

There should be room in his life for you too.

Oh come on elless We are not even allowed to be at the birth can only be one thing at THE birth it doesn’t mean a few days after the birth does it ? you’re really scraping the barrel there

'We are not even allowed to be at the birth' - no mention of '*actual*'

Reading the OP and that of others who are complaining about not seeing their ACs often enough I'm wondering how they behaved towards their own parents and inlaws when they were young and starting a family.

there are so many strange postings nowadays, with highly goady content, i wonder whether they are created by adverting depts., as bound to get traffic.

Why the title 'disappointed in son'?

My mother often used the phrase 'dissapointed in me'. Being a 'people pleaser' it was an effective way of controlling me. I was always expected to be a part of family celebrations, etc. Getting married didn't change her attitude leading to many arguements. Eventually we became estranged.

If your son is becoming independent and getting his own life, own wife, own family be pleased for him not dissapointed! Embrace his partner as the woman who will look after your boy now. Stop pushing your agenda, your role is changing. Grandparents should take a back seat - and nobody likes a back seat driver! Give them space. Keep contact with both of them. Keep contact respectful. Keep it positive. Hopefully when the little one arrives they will want to show him/her off to everyone - especially grandparents.

Elless

I think (hope) everyone is taking this too literally and KazzaSJ doesn't actually mean to be present at the actual birth, just to see the baby soon afterwards.
I also think readers have missed the point that the GF is intending to let her family be involved and see the baby but not KazzaSJ's family. That's what I interpret which, understandably, is upsetting.

OP says ‘ we are not even allowed to be present at the actual birth.’ Seems very clear to me.

It is quite common, where I live anyway, for the pregnant woman to want her mum there. I was at one daughter’s delivery, but not her second because of covid. My other daughter has just had her first, and I couldn’t be there also because of covid.

I’ve never known of anyone wanting MIL there, no matter how good the relationship.

Did you seriously type all of that and not have some realisation or awakening?

The audacity of thinking you would be at the birth is really shocking.

We are not even allowed at the birth, oh gawd nor would any of our family be, the last thing I’d want is Uncle Tom cobbly and all at the birth! ? only husband for me! The baby hasn’t arrived yet and there is tension! It’s completely natural that your son would pull away a bit from the family , he’s forming his own little family now! I don’t quite get why you want or need to be involved in the birth! Something so lovely between your son and his girlfriend! Surely you let them have their time together, I’ve never actuallly heard of this! There’s obviously a reason why your son is ignoring certain aspects, why don’t you simply ask him!

We are not even allowed to be at the birth
*I am not unreasonable or expecting anything more only to be involved in the birth of my grandson but she has managed not to allow us anywhere near.

Sorry elless but the poster is very clearly saying she was expecting to be at the birth
Nothing has been said that the sons family can’t see or be involved with the child just that they don’t want anyone at the birth and they will say when they are ready for visitors

Unfortunately there seems a poor relationship and resentment between the poster and the daughter in law and her family stepping back and stop pushing for they big family get together s Life is different and maybe not up to posters expections but to keep pushing will only make it worse

Another person to see the baby soon after - it is all relative.

For a gp, more than a week is an eternity and maybe even unreasonable.

For the parents of the baby, a week feels like a second in their lives.

Nobody is entitled to visit the new family - you have to wait.

I think (hope) everyone is taking this too literally and KazzaSJ doesn't actually mean to be present at the actual birth, just to see the baby soon afterwards.
I also think readers have missed the point that the GF is intending to let her family be involved and see the baby but not KazzaSJ's family. That's what I interpret which, understandably, is upsetting.

The period around a new birth is very exciting but fraught for new parents but I am sure when things have settled after a few months they will be keen to use both sets of grandparents for babysitting etc. Just stay friendly and don’t judge them for now.

There seems to be a lot of family celebrations ! Has lockdown been lifted?
He loves his wife, wants to please her, and for the moment, sees her family, more than he sees his own. I think that’s normal..
Don’t expect too much, then you won’t be disappointed.

He just sounds like he is in love. I'm sure they'll get involved in family gatherings eventually. They'll want other babysitters for a start

You sound very demanding and possibly the girl’s parents are more laid back and therefore more of a pleasure to be with. Your adult son has formed a new family unit with his girlfriend and the expected baby. You can’t demand that they attend family gatherings if they don’t want to, and you most certainly can’t expect to be present at the birth - that’s a complete no-no and I can’t imagine why you seem to feel you are entitled to do it. Just give them space rather than being so controlling. Otherwise, as another poster said, you will end up on an estrangement thread. He isn’t your little boy any more, he’s a father-to-be and needs to be recognised and treated as such.

I was prepared to be sympathetic until you expressed dismay that you weren't allowed to be at the birth. Then I reread your post. You are being unreasonable with your expectations. Perhaps your son would be happier to attend family events if there wasn't a 'fight'. You have absolutely no right to be at the birth. If you persist in being so demanding then you risk having no relationship with your son and by extension,your grandson. Step right back. Keep such feelings to yourself and be happy for them.

Why on earth would you expect to be at the birth of your GC ???!!!!?? This is bizarre . The fact you have said this is indicative of your feelings about your son , he is not an extension of you ! He is his own person building his own family. No wonder he and his partner are pulling away. If you want to re establish your relationship you must apologize for your attitude and BACK OFF. Your son deserves his privacy and his partner is going to deliver their child , you have no right to there - unless by invitation. My two daughters have 5 children between them and I would have been honoured to be allowed to be at their births. It didn't happen. Your son and partner are probably worried about how you will behave when their child is born, will you expect far too much?
Please reassess your behaviour , don't push yourself forward then in time you may win their respect. If you don't you are saying goodbye to what could have been a delightful relationship with them
- and that includes your grandchild! I sincerely hope your son will eventually feel comfortable attending family gatherings , it may happen but you have a great deal of thinking to do before that may become a reality. I wish you good luck .

.

I’m really sorry, but your whole post sounds overwhelmingly expectant and demanding. I’m not surprised she wants to step back. She has her baby to consider.

I’ve just had a new grandson to my daughter and son in law, and wasn’t allowed at the birth due to covid restrictions. Being present at the birth of a grandchild is a privilege, not a right.

I wouldn’t want to be involved in big celebrations either at the moment. Pregnant or not. How long have you known her? It might be too early for her to get really involved, but covid and pregnancy have got in the way.

To be honest, I would be put off too. You sound so pushy. Be careful, you could end up being totally estranged, as we were from my in laws for similar attitudes.

Give her time....and space. Enjoy your get togethers without them for now.

I am not unreasonable or expecting anything more only to be involved in the birth of my grandson but she has managed not to allow us anywhere near.

Yeah but you are being beyond unreasonable though.
Your DIL might not of had the vaccine and if your throwing these family parties they are absolutely within their right to avoid them and the people that go to them.

How exactly do you envisage being involved when your DIL is having a baby? What sort of value do you think you would bring to that situation?
Also, how many family events are you talking about here? Once a week? Once a month?
Try and have reasonable expectations. Any adult growing up and forging their own family unit will pull away from their previous nuclear family, because they are creating their own wee unit. That doesn’t mean that in a healthy family there isn’t still calls and contact and visits, but priorities can and should change.
Has your DS gave any indication why he is less available? Work schedules? COVID concerns? There could be any number of things going on, but unless you stop pushing your own agenda of getting what you want and take the time to ask and listen you won’t know. Having a good relationship with them pre-kids will make a huge difference when this wee baby is born.

Kazza the baby isn't even here yet and you are fighting with son and DIL, angry they aren't doing holidays your way and thinking you have a right to be at the birth.

Ask yourself this: What is her family doing differently that makes your son and DIL prefer time with them?

You are going to lose this relationship if you don't respect their right to parent their own way, protect their child and choose who they spend time with.

Respect them as adults, deep breaths and take a giant step back, maybe two. The way parents do things now is different, that doesnt make you wrong, it's just different.

We don't want to see you on the estrangement threads, there aren't many happy endings there.

Thanks for clearing that up Grammaretto. Yes, we do agree.

I can think of some reasons why she would want to see her family, but honestly it is best not to assume. It could very well be a festering injustice. Or not.

I always hope for the best possible outcomes for families. Welcoming new family members is exciting and balancing the needs of the baby and the parents can be tricky.