Daughter's first baby: am I being selfish wanting to be around to help?

You don't have to thank people personally unless you want to. What you have said is fine and sometimes posts cross and go up in a different order.
I think this whole rules of what to do has come over the last few years and complicates things unnecessarily. There do seem some families who need it but it is difficult to remember everything and be natural in case you are perceived to be doing something wrong. With a first baby, it is nice to have some ground rules - some very sensible like no smoking in the house, no kissing the baby, don't waken the baby! But new parents may need more practical help if the baby say develops colic which is exhausting for parents and a grandparent can be very important as they can take the baby for a walk or walk the baby countless times round the garden while the parents eat or have a break from crying (this is from experience).

Germanshepherdsmum

If you stay with them that’s a bed to change, laundry to do, the en suite to clean after you go. A lot of extra work for a new mum. I agree with what others have said about this apparent need to be the first to see the baby. Don’t turn this into a competition.

I think most people would do that themselves before they went home, surely?

I stayed at my daughter's after she had her second baby earlier this year. They had a spare bed for me but no bedding, so I actually took my own duvet and pillows!

Her partner had two weeks paternity leave and one week's holiday, so I was asked to go and stay for a week when he went back to work.
We had seen them just after the birth as we had the four year old while the baby was being born, so we'd taken her home afterwards.

Rosierary as far as you can just slot in where required to suit your daughter and son-in-law, whether it's what you'd expected to be asked to do or not. Just don't be surprised if it changes once the baby's here!
Congratulations ?

Well V3ra I’ve yet to have guests who do more than strip the bed. They don’t do the laundry before they leave! They might leave the bathroom reasonably clean but it will still need a proper clean and the towels washed.

Rosierary
I wish I had you for my mother!.
When both of my children were born
my mother made herself invisible
She had work to go to but still she made no effort to help when she was off. To be fair on her though she did not get on with my MIL or any of DH's relatives who lived within walking distance of me so that was the probably the real reason, but my MIL was not exactly helpful either, she would come in, cuddle the baby then leave with some excuse to be away.
This was 1969 and 1972 when paternity leave did not exist.Both were traumatic births, I had EMCS both times and was very ill lafter the first one. The second time my DH was working abroad and did not come home till two months afterwards.
Enough of my woes.I am a great granny now and have cared for all my grandchildren when their parents were at work in between my working as well.Both of my children are sons, the descendants are all from DS2. I did not interfere at their births, left it to the mothers both times- DS has been married twice I was itching to help but waited until asked.
I would have loved to have had you staying with me both times, as long as you liked it would have been perfect.
Your daughter is very lucky to have you, tell her that from me!
You will most likely be asked to stay a bit longer, once reality hits.Just do as she wishes for now, but when her baby is here she will be pleading with you to stay, and in her house not a self catering place either. Apologies if I seem cheeky but expecting you to stay in a set catering place when she has plenty of room in her house is a bit off. If you are in the en suite you will both have privacy when needed, so won't be in each other's way all the time.
I hope all goes well and I know you will be a lovely grandmother. Do not upset yourself over the other grandmother seeing the baby first, that is trivial the baby will not know that.

Are you worried they wont cope?

They will, you know

Just be the robbers dog in the 1080s as others have suggested x

Germanshepherdsmum

Well V3ra I’ve yet to have guests who do more than strip the bed. They don’t do the laundry before they leave! They might leave the bathroom reasonably clean but it will still need a proper clean and the towels washed.

Maybe as a run of the mill guest, but not in your daughter's house when she's just given birth though?
I made sure all the washing was done, floors swept, kitchen clean, etc, before I came home when I stayed with my daughter. I went to help, not visit.

I think paternity leave has changed the type of help and support that new mums need, and when. I came home from the hospital with my son, and if not for my mother coming, would have been completely alone. That (thankfully) isn’t the case anymore.

Most new dads now have a minimum of 2 weeks paid leave, they’re also a lot more hands on. That first 2 weeks when mum might need someone to bring her a cup of tea while her body heals, or mind the baby while she showers/sleeps, cook her a hot meal etc, dad is there, and in most cases wants to be the one to do those things. And yes a grandmother could stay and do none baby related jobs, but I can see that getting awkward. I can’t imagine my son feeling comfortable sitting on his backside in the lounge, while I or his mil did his laundry and cleaning. (He, after all wouldn’t be physically recovering from labour/delivery. Nor would he be spending extended amounts of breastfeeding, if that’s what had been decided.)

I struggle understand the ‘rules’ of no visitors etc. My dil & son were very happy to have people round to meet/visit them and the baby. Everyone is sensible, and knows that an hour or so at a time is usually enough for new parents. But I can completely see why new parents would choose to lean on each other and try to find their feet together, rather than having grandmothers coming in to do the work.

Have you maybe thought of suggesting you travel down a couple of weeks later, once dad is back at work? Your daughter might be really grateful for your company then, even if she doesn’t want help with the baby.

Calendargirl

^But times have changed since the 1080’s^

Gosh Teacheranne: you must be the oldest person on GN!

I certainly felt very old today, every joint was aching and I hobbled around the house until midday! Then my pain relief kicked in and I cheered up.

But yes, 1080’s is going a bit far, I blame my fat fingers!

Firstly I quite understand why you are upset, but go along with what she wants, I was very much left out of everything at first, you will be surprised how quickly that will change. She has said she doesn’t know how she will cope, I think most of us feel like that but we do, you sound a lovely mom just don’t try to reason with her, she doesn’t need the pressure and now isn’t the time, but believe me she will want her mom.

sodapop it’s such a funny phrase isn’t it? I picked it up off my late father and it always makes me chuckle. Don’t think it harks back as far as the 1080’s though ?

Does it reallty matter which g.parent sees the baby first? Hopefully, you will all have very many years to see this baby grown into a child and into an adult and have your own relationship with them. In what way does it matter who sees it in which order in those first few days/weeks.

Back when I had my first child, (ten days after birth in maternity hospital for first-time Mums in those day), I was delighted when my Mum said she would come over to me each day for the first few weeks. By the third day, I was really desperate for her not to come. I was exhausted and instead of having a rest when baby was sleeping felt I had to sit and talk to her. I asked her not to come so often and it was so much better.

When my eldest daughter had a baby and she lived very close to me, I was there when she was brought home from hospital by her partner on the day she gave birth. Stayed a short time, and then left. Knew I was at the end of the 'phone if she needed me, but felt it was important to let the three of them get on with it.
Apart from one desperate, tearful call from her after a very stupid midwive had told her to stop breastfeeding - (she had also been told to take baby to GP as it was not putting on enough weight). I took her to GP, who was wonderful and she commented how lovely and healthy baby was and urged daughter to continue bfeeding.

When I did visit them I would do some ironing, clean bathrooms, kitchen, etc. Sometimes just drop in with a meal that just needed to warmed up. NEVER to try to take over any sort of babycare - unless I was actually asked to do something along those lines.

Lots of ideas on good baby and childcare changes quite often. Many things we may have done back in our day are not likely to be the same, not necessarily old fashioned, just different. So, unless actually asked, NEVER offer advice.

I had, for many years, been a breast feeding Councillor, and my daughters had all grown up hearing me giving help and advice on the phone to Mums. They were willing to ask my advice on that matter in the early weeks, but on everything else they and their partners sorted it out along with their own support groups.

Agree with Franbern and SpanielNanny - the fact that fathers get paternity leave makes a big difference to the need for mothers to help in early days. If you lived closer, you could drop in to see baby briefly but then come back if and when needed. Because you live so far, it may be better to wait longer - after father has had to go back to work, even though you'll be impatient.

Our son was living in another country when our first GC was born - he and partner were keen for us to visit. Knowing that babies are sometimes late, and wanting to give them a bit of time to adjust, we booked flight for a month after due date. Baby arrived on time, so was 4 weeks old when we saw her first. We were able to stay with the family (they had invited us) for a week. I wasn't sure how much interaction they would want us to have with the baby and was surprised when she was handed to me as soon as I walked in the door!

We had visited before and knew the kitchen, shops etc, so helped with shopping and cooking while there - certainly didn't expect to be waited on.

My main point, Rosierary, is that perhaps by waiting a bit longer before seeing your new grandchild, you might have a better experience!

It is completely normal and human to feel disappointment when something important doesn’t go the way you expected. Your feelings are valid and you should take some time to process them, rather than label them as selfish or justified, etc. However, what’s most important in this situation is how you outwardly respond to those feelings.

I’m a relatively new mom and we went through something similar when our child was born almost 2 years ago. My husband and his mother are very close. I admire how close their relationship is and appreciate it. However, that closeness can sometimes result in the blurring of boundaries and she having expectations we hadn’t agreed to. She tried to dictate exactly how long my husband was going to take leave, that she had already filed for vacation, and that she would be coming around daily to “help.” Essentially, she tried to tell us what she wanted and expected based on her relationship with her son, rather than asking what we needed. It felt like she was trying to take one of the few things we had control of in the chaos of pregnancy and early parenthood away from us: physical sovereignty over our home and my position as mother/female head of our household. My husband had to have several difficult conversations with her to manage expectations and to let her know we would not be comfortable with any hep as she defined it during that time (she essentially wanted to come spend all day every day taking care of the baby while I either slept or tended to our home). What we needed was help with errands or household help. She didn’t recognize that this was something we had thought a lot about and felt prepared to approach on our own. Not to mention how much we needed quiet and privacy for that initial bonding.

Not everyone wants help with their newborn right away. I know that’s hard to hear because you had personal and generational expectations. Your daughter expressing that she had concerns about her readiness to care for her newborn are about as common as they come, fueled by a cocktail of hormones and the realization this will likely be the most important thing she will ever do. It did’t mean she truly didn’t feel capable. Please don’t hold feelings she shared in confidence over her. Please also don’t turn it into a competition between the grandparents. It’s exhausting for all parties involved and it’s based on jealousy. Focus on this new baby coming into the world and less on non-existent honorifics like who gets to meet or hold the baby first, who is in more photos, etc. That contest is a meaningless distraction from what really matters.

I think you are getting in a stew, someone will be first to see the baby, have first cuddle etc and distance means that's probably ky not going to be you.

I'm not sure how your dad expects you to stay in a self catering property for a few days. It would need to be booked ahead so unless she has already got a planned date for a c section that's going to be difficult because babies arrive when they want to, not when you have somewhere booked.

You sound like a lovely person - good luck with everything

As most mums do, you want to be there to help your daughter, especially as she is worried about how she will cope.
I don't really understand why you are only "allowed" to stay near her for 2 days. Certainly, going by my own experience and the help that I needed, a week would make more sense and I am perturbed by the number of future grandparents that have been instructed by their AC about what they can or can't do as far as their new GC is concerned.
A lot of AC it seems, have forgotten the whole idea of what family is for - that everyone helps out where needed and wonder if the rising cases of PND (at least in my area) and the feeling of isolation has anything to do with it?
Suggest that, at the moment that you go along with her request - with the proviso of having the option of being able to stay on for longer wherever you book to stay.
While you are there, do some batch cooking of several dishes to be put in GD's freezer. Sadly, you may find that the in laws have already made plans of their own to help out and there is not much that you can do, unless you can talk to them and come to an agreement .

Respect her wishes, say you understand how they feel and wait until the baby arrives. Their attitude might well change when faced with the reality of a new-born, but just keep smiling and let them lead the way. Being 'first' or spending most money/time is not important. Being a grandparent is wonderful!

^It isn’t about you. Is it?

If the new parents want your help they will ask.

As for being the first to see the baby ?^

Bit harsh. The OP has expressed her inner feelings in hopefully a fairly anonymous arena and has made it clear that she would fully accept that she might be having 'selfish' thoughts.

EssPee….
Wow… don’t hold back will you? Too harsh. ?

Lots of good advice above. Agree she might like another visit when hubby has used up paternity leave.
Sure she’ll hand over baby for few cuddles while you’re there. She’s love you cooking etc for them while they learn how to look after their baby

Well I live long distance from my boys yes we all want to see the baby when it’s born but it’s not a race who gets there first. Both my daughter inlaw have parents pretty close so saw grandkids pretty quickly. Your daughter as her husband to help her and I’d never presume that I could stay at their homes I always book a hotel unless tell me otherwise. Don’t all parents think that they won’t know what to do with a baby but we do. My last granddaughter was born in lockdown and I couldn’t see her for 4 months so daughter inlaw had no choice to do it themselves and actually now she said she is glad because it give them the time without ppl coming and don’t be jealous of her inlaws they are just has excited as you are. You should be working with them not against them. After all you all want what is best for the baby, and you wouldn’t be looking forward to the baby if it wasn’t for your son inlaw and his parents lol

Changed days indeed! I don’t recall any of my friends having mothers to stay after their babies were born. Husbands usually took a few days off work, then we just got on with it. Visitors were always welcome to pop in and see the new arrival, with no expectations of catering being provided!

Well I know all the reasons why I shouldn't feel as you do...but I know I would. I would want to be there and help as you wish to. Am hoping if I am lucky enough to have grandkids that this will happen but who knows. A friend of mine had a daughter who made similar stipulations for baby 1... When baby 2 arrived they embraced her presence with gusto. ?

Congratulations. Please don't rock the boat.

Pin a big smile on your face and go along with your daughter's suggestions.

I am willing to bet she will want you to stay a little longer once you are there and she is home with the baby.

If she doesn't, it won't be because she does not value your help and love, but because the midwife and other young mothers have all be telling her that she and her husband need time to "bond with the baby and establish their own routine".

You and I can call that whatever kind of nonsense we like, as long as we do it to each other and not to the new parents.

Babies automatically "bond" with mother as she is the source of food and warmth. I doubt a day or week old infant has any conception of father - biologically the child can do without him as long as mother is there, during the first months of life.

Most parents automatically love their children- all right we know about post-partum depression, but it is mercifully fairly rare.

Sil's parents and you are not in competition, please don't turn it in to one, even if the paternal grandmother tries to.

Your daughter needs you to be easy to get along with, as she finds getting on with MIL difficult.

You can't ALL see the infant first and geographically your son-in-law's parents are nearer, so I am afraid you will just have to accept that they see their grandchild before you do.

The baby is as much your grandchild as theirs and the other way around.

What you do and say now will set the tone for your future relationship with your daughter, son-in-law, the baby and the baby's paternal grandparents, so tread carefully, please.

Think back: how did you feel when your daughter was born`?

Most of us could have done with far less (conflicting) advice from our mothers, mothers-in-laws, aunties etc. then we got.

I dont think it matters who sees baby first just be happy that mother and daughter are ok and go from there.
I lived away from my family when I had my baby in the 80s and got on with it, I know its different if you have a toddler as well but is it me or are people being a bit precious women have been having babys for ever but it seems its a new thing? I think the help a mum would need was when the baby is teething and keeping everyone up at night and your knackered all the time not when the baby is just born when they sleep most of the time.