Daughter's first baby: am I being selfish wanting to be around to help?

As you live so far away it's really a given that the other granny will see the baby first. I would go along with what your daughter suggests. Having you stay with them might be a bit much for her however well you get on, so stay in a self catering for a couple of nights and see how it goes. You may find she'd like you around for longer for a bit of moral support. Just be careful not to tell her what she should be doing and not to criticise the in laws

It isn’t about you. Is it?

If the new parents want your help they will ask.

As for being the first to see the baby ?

Young mothers are encouraged to be independent from day one now. When my own mum had me she had a period of 'lying-in' where she literally lay in bed and was 'looked after by her mother.
She tried to force this regime onto me.
Now they come home from hospital the day after the birth, sometimes the same day, and prefer to be left alone. Go by what she wants, not what you think she ought to want.
Who sees baby First is'nt important really is it? Its not a competition.

Please please please don’t turn it into a competition with her in-laws and accept the limits your daughter has set. They want space to establish the way they will raise their child and I’m sure will ask for help and advice when they need it. Let them have their alone time to do this and in time you’ll find they relax and let all the family members more time to enjoy the baby. Good luck. They’ll work it out I’m sure .

I come from an era where things seemed much less regimented and rule driven or perhaps it’s just my family
My first was born overseas so no one saw her till she was nearly 2 my second was born in my home town and temporally staying st my mum and dads so obviously they saw him whenever for the first few months
My third was about 5/6 hours away on the train or coach and I asked mum to come and help me for a week She did I didn’t give her any rules or regulations as she’d brought me up well and I presumed she knew what to do around a new baby then she went home and I had all three to myself my mum in law was never demanding and had about eight other grandkids so she saw them whenever I could visit
I can’t believe all the rules involved now with what you can and can’t do its all like a business arrangment

Go along with what they want that’s all I can advise

I agree BlueBelle but on reading some threads on here it does seem that some grandparents are over invested in the lives of their children and grandchildren.
I'm not sure how much impact Covid has had on families with small children and new babies. Maybe parents feel they have to make rules to protect their children.
Try to relax a bit more over this Rosierary fall in with your daughter's wishes, I'm sure she will be glad of your help when she is home with the baby. I don't think it matters who sees the baby first, he or she will have lots of love.

Thank you Deedaa, I appreciate your response. No, I would never criticise the in laws or tell her what she should be doing.

Sorry, I think I wanted to respond individually but not sure how this works...so thank you everyone, I really appreciate all your responses and it has helped to put a new perspective on things.

Does her husband have paternity leave. If he’s taking a couple of weeks off they don’t really need a third person at that point.

My mum waited (apart from a flying visit) till my OH was back to work before coming to help me. That was when I needed her,

Similar thread on this subject. I wonder whether some magazine has advised expectant mothers to think up and lay down rules and regulations.

I expect they want time to themselves as a new family , paternity leave is for 2 weeks , so dad can do shopping cooking etc, partners are far more hands on these days and I’m guessing they want to learn as they go along and get to know their little one. Asking you to cook a meal is good as you know what you’re expected to do and you will be useful. The baby won’t know who saw her first btw.

I would let them do it their way and wait for them asking for more help later on but point out it is expensive to pay for your accommodation. I was lucky that my daughter was local so would ring me if she needed urgent shopping etc and I would take her a meal I had made them to heat up. I did see the baby briefly each time usually a peek in his Moses basket but within a week my daughter was keen for me to stay longer for some company or a chance to run upstairs for a shower etc. I now look after the baby a couple of days a week whilst she works from home.

Just go with your daughters wishes, who knows once the baby is born the rules may change. Your daughter may feel very differently once she has her child. Your daughter is probably all over the place at the moment , you sound like a loving Mum so play it by ear and don't worry that you may not be the first GM to see the baby- it is of no importance. All that matters is your daughter is safely delivered of your lovely GC and all is well. Congratulations take the next few weeks as they come , relax and congratulations !

I agree with shelflife, good advice. Enjoy it when you do see the baby, it's lovely having that experience.

I think just play it by their rules for now. I imagine that they are feeling in over their heads, so just let them find their feet and I’m sure once the novelty of sleepless nights wears off you will be required for at home visits.
My MIL unfortunately inserted herself from day one after the birth of ds1 and 2, so my own opinion is coloured by that. Be the ‘cool’ grandma (as my son refers to me as) who supports both parents and tell them they are fantastic parents, bring food and treats for them rather than just the baby, and I’m sure you will be in like robbers dog in no time.

Made me chuckle DillytheGardener it's a long time since I've heard the robbers dog expression

Gosh, I could not have coped without my mum coming to stay after baby two and baby three. I lived about 200 miles away and although I had neighbours to look after first child while actually in hospital, I relied on my mum to drop everything and drive over as soon as I went into labour. I would not have dreamt of telling her to stay at a hotel even though we only had a small house ( two beds and a box room).

But times have changed since the 1080s and I guess we just have to go along with what our children are asking but sometimes it seems a bit excessive. If I was travelling for five hours then I would want to stop for more than two days, in fact I think I would book at least a week in case they changed their mind.

But times have changed since the 1080s

They certainly have!

But times have changed since the 1080’s

Gosh Teacheranne: you must be the oldest person on GN!

Thank you so much everybody for all your words of wisdom. I am particularly touched by the more compassionate and empathic posts and..more relaxed! If I could work out how to comment on individual posts, I would, but hope a general appreciation will suffice.

If you stay with them that’s a bed to change, laundry to do, the en suite to clean after you go. A lot of extra work for a new mum. I agree with what others have said about this apparent need to be the first to see the baby. Don’t turn this into a competition.

You have been asked to visit and help which is a good thing. I'd listen and do as asked, focus on your daughter and helping her feel supported in her needs, then maybe you might get invited again during your stay.

Please follow your daughter's lead.

Your relationship with her will determine your relationship with your gc

Imagine: what if she went to the hospital for appendicitis? Do the same thing.
Support your daughter how she wants to be supported

Depending on how it goes, and how well the baby sleeps, she might well change her mind and be glad of someone to see to shopping/cooking/laundry etc., or perhaps take the baby out in the pram for a while, to allow her to have a shower/snooze, etc.

I really don’t understand why new parents are so precious and fussily prescriptive nowadays, but if MN is anything to go by, it’s common enough. I’m just grateful that my dd was glad of any help after she had her 3.

Though having said that, you do have to give advice only if and when asked, no matter how much you think that your way was better/less exhausting, etc.