Daughter's first baby: am I being selfish wanting to be around to help?

Lots of good advice here Rosierary. I won't repeat what others have said, but just go with the flow, give the new parents some time alone to settle in with their little one. I'm sure if they need your help they'll ask for it. You will get to meet and spend time with your new GC in due course, and by then I'm sure the parents will be more relaxed in their new role and you'll all enjoy the occasion more.

We have another GC (10th) due any day now, but we'll do as we've always done: call them, congratulate them, send flowers etc, admire the photos they'll send us and look forward to meeting our new GC when it's convenient for them, probably at Christmas. That's absolutely fine with us. We are good friends with all our DIL's parents, so no issues there. Our son has three older children so by the time they visit us they will be an organised, relaxed family unit and we should have a wonderful Christmas. If they can't come at Christmas then we'll just have to wait a little longer. C'est la vie.

When my first son was born my Mum (who had been a midwife) wanted to be present at the birth 'to keep an eye on me', she thought it was very odd for fathers to be present. Absolutely NO WAY was I having her there!!! I know she would find fault with, and comment about, everything the hospital did. I went home on a Thursday and all the grandparents invited themselves over on the Sunday and stayed all day for lunch, dinner and tea. At least there were plenty of baby cuddlers while DH and I cooked and made endless cups of tea.

When second son was due Mum offered to stay to care for eldest son while I was in hospital. Very kind of her. But the day I returned home she and our son were ill. I went home with a 4 day old baby to care for, and my Mum and a two year old throwing up (and worse!) all over the place. Food poisoning! My Mum had cooked frozen chicken for their dinner and son said his was very cold in the middle but nanny had told him to finish his dinner. DH was working 12 hrs a day and couldn't help out with all the extra washing and cleaning it caused. I was furious with my Mum and as soon as she could travel in the car without being sick DH took her home. She never admitted it was her fault, she said DS was jealous of the new baby and it had made him ill.

Third son: When I went into labour at about midday my Mum just happened to be at our house. I didn't say a word to her. I quietly waited for DH to come home from work at 8.30, gave him his dinner, then brought my hospital case downstairs and told him to start the car. Mum was shocked that I had not told her all day. I left saying "I'll probably be back tomorrow. Don't cook for the boys!" DS3 was born just 15 mins after we arrived at the hospital, and I went home the next day, and so did Mum under protest. I was immediately back in my normal routine doing all the school runs, shopping etc, all on foot, but with an extra child in tow. It was preferable to having my Mum stay any longer! My health visitor was impressed and said it would keep me fit!

hebburnset - perfect comments

Go happily with what they want. Children are very adaptable and you have ages to be a gran! For now the important thing is that the baby and parents have a bit of time to settle.

Rosierary

Thank you so much everybody for all your words of wisdom. I am particularly touched by the more compassionate and empathic posts and..more relaxed! If I could work out how to comment on individual posts, I would, but hope a general appreciation will suffice.

Thankfully most people on here are empathetic and compassionate however you will get the odd one or two……?

Hi Rosieary! My only daughter is due in 2 days with her first and I am perplexed as well as what she wants my role to be , and all the feelings that go with not feeling wanted or needed. And being so excited at the same time for her. My daughter has always been very independent and confident. And has been her whole pregnancy so I’m getting used to not feeling needed .
I understand your feelings very much .it’s not selfish it’s just natural normal feelings as mothers for our daughters !
I do believe how they think today will change as the weeks go on and our support and help will be wanted !
It is different today with the paternity leave that dads get, it’s their time to start figuring it out without another person underfoot. That’s as far ahead as they can think. So that’s maybe why she’s said that schedule for you. My son in law only has 5 days available so I’m betting she’ll be more inclined to want my help starting week 2 and on. Be patient take your cues from her , think big picture … there’s lots of time ahead for you to be there . Congratulations ?the best times are yet to come!

Actually it is exhausting doing baby care, new mum care, cooking and laundry. Getting away to the B+B means you will get a good night's sleep and a decent breakfast. The new parents don't actually realize how much work is involved.
It will all be o.k. in the end.
New mum's are programmed to be neurotic. I was myself but it doesn't take too long before everyone finds their niche.
If you have time, get some treats for yourself to enjoy back at the B+B. Nice book, nibbles, mini bottles of favourite wine or ready mixed G+T in cans. Nice shower gel and body lotion, you get the idea. Whatever works for you. No one will let the newborn perish. Have a lovely time and be the easy-going granny.

As others advise - just go with the flow and accept what your daughter says she wants now. Her husband may be on hand to help, but from my experience when the reality of being new parents happens they may be glad of all the help they can get. You may get a summons sooner than you expect. The reality of night feeds may also mean that you are staying in that ensuite sooner than you expect as well.
I get the feelings of granny envy too. I had pangs of it and kept telling myself off for it.
Very best wishes for when the baby comes for all your angst to fly out the window and for lovely days with your daughter and your grandchild.

Firstly, congratulations. It sounds like you are going to be a lovely gran. Just listen to what your daughter and Sil want. Please don’t use the phrase “in my day we did …..
Keep calm and enjoy them all under their terms.?

Gosh I wish you’d been my mum. She breezed in, looked at the baby and said he looked like an alien, then disappeared. Didn’t see her for months and struggled like heck for 7 weeks til I had to return to work…

My daughter is due at Christmas and I live with her and her fiancé so will be there always. I full understand if they want me to get out if the way. I will be there to make sure they have proper meals, cups of tea and feed the pets.
I hope the other grandparents who live an hour away will be involved too, it will take the pressure off me. But the decisions won’t be mine.
Enjoy your new grandchild when you can, it’s not a competition x

I’m sorry I think I’ve posted this in the wrong place

Battle of my Brides
On Sunday my younger daughter L is marrying a fantastic, kind man and they clearly adore each other. The problem? … she and my older daughter C haven’t had anything to do with one another for more the a year since, through a genuine misunderstanding, both booked their weddings for the same month, April 2022. Because of Covid and other considerations L has brought her wedding forward to Sunday and older daughter C has postponed hers to the end of next year.
Their dad and I had really hoped and prayed that one of them would have at least moved towards building a tiny bridge by now as I’m sure in years to come they will both bitterly regret not attending each other’s weddings - particularly as neither will now be getting married anywhere near April next year - the date they fell out over in the first place!
It’s been hard for all of us not having older daughter C there to help with and be part of the planning and excitement of this momentous occasion, especially as we are just days away from it.
I wondered if any of you have experience of this kind of heartbreaking falling out and whether you have a glimmer of advice?
Thank you for ‘listening’.

I think it’s all been said really. Go along with whatever your daughter wants. However, I would suggest that first time parents don’t realise how life changing that little bundle can be. I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter realises she’ll need your support for longer than she thinks. As the mother of girls, grandmother and mother-in-law I’ve learned to smile and go along with whatever maintains peace and harmony. This is a happy time, enjoy it!!

Agree with other poster.....why do you have to stay in a BandB!!!

I think the biggest change is the how much paternity leave for husband and expectation that he will be fully involved. Good. When I had my second, 300 miles away from mum and my husband due straight back to work, and a toddler to look after I thought it was great that mum came up to stay and cooked a cleaned and made tarts with my little daughter, I just hung around reading, having visitors and breast feeding. Lovely time. My husband was never competitive for attention.
So now husband would be on leave and doing the chores etc … mmm I think I’m glad I had it the old way
if my daughter had had children there I’d no way her husband would have let me stay. My DIL told me her parents were going to be at the birth but I was not to be there. I didn’t expect to be! My son had oodles of paternity leave so didn’t worry at all. I think I first saw them when a few weeks old but then nowadays we have videos snd phones with photos.

I would be offering cooking, cleaning, errands such as post office parcels, dry cleaners, sterilising bottles ,if used, etc unless it would be stepping on employed cleaners toes. Shopping too. Mums generally want to spend time with newborn. Also she will prob have visitors, mw, or other from doctors. Newborns make chores go out the window. Plus baby blues if she home afterwards very quickly. I only thing I would want is pictures of babys face, feet and hands to put into album as they grow. Good luck. Dont be too concerned who sees baby first. My sister never got her grandson as DIL laws mother snuck in. She had photos but said ok, when mil gets overwhelmed, I will snuck in when hes outa nappies. Day trips ,no bottles to take. It was win win for her. Mil got tired of being called on all the time. Lol

Missiseff really? Guessing the mum and dad wants some time with just the 3 of them until the dad has to go back to work.
Having a guest in the house is extra work and the husband/dad might feel he has to host etc.
I think the best advice is to leave them to it and wait to be asked, and once dad goes back and the days are cavernous and long, her daughter might very well welcome her mum to stay and help out. But new mums remember vividly the comments and pressure of family and friends, I think best to avoid that and be supportive.
I haven’t met my grandchild yet as they live abroad and foreigners can’t travel there yet, but I make do with zoom, and look forward to hopefully seeing them all in 2022. The baby won’t remember which granny they met first, though I understand the stab of jealousy, as I have experienced that myself but I didn’t make a fuss, and asked the other nanna to keep me updated with her news on baby too.

Make them meals they can have in freezer and cook in microwave or whatever and and mind baby while mum has shower or Dad gets to walk dog if they have one, or have dog to stay with you while they are learning to be qith the baby if there is a dog...its what I did...

I'm just mortified she expects you to stay in a b&b tbh

Ilovedragonflies

If I were you I would go along with whatever your DD & SIL ask of you, even if you feel hurt. I saw my DGS (he's now 12) for the first time when he was a few weeks old and wasn't allowed to touch him at all. I hid how I felt (and cried buckets when I was alone after they'd gone) and time passed. It transpired that her father, my ex, who I divorced for physical and mental abuse, had given her a large sum of money to help with the new family provided I was kept out of the picture. They needed the money.

They live at the opposite end of the country so visits are few and far between because we all work. Like you, it's a 10 hour round trip.

Having not seen them at all for two years, they came to see me a short while ago. When I opened my door to them, my grandson dived into my arms, squeezed and held on for several minutes. He was glued to my side the whole time they were here.

The point I'm making (badly, I admit) is that the child will know how much you love them, even if you don't see them as often as you'd like. Being the first to see them really doesn't matter, although it may feel like the end of the world to you right now (and I truly understand that). Those hugs told me exactly how he feels about me and will stay with me forever.

So keep the peace, hold your tongue, take what is offered and do it with a smile.

Omg I’m so sorry your ex did that but never mind how much I needed the money I would have told him what to do with it if I had been your daughter
It must have hurt you so much, grandchildren don’t get influenced by money thankfully, they are influenced by the love, attention and fun they receive from us

most grandparents ive met are overwhelmed with the birth of a grandchild, and want to spend as much time as possible with or near them, distance allowing of course.The dynamics are rarely simple, in my case , my DIL is strange to say the least, and this puts a strain on all concerned.All very sad, but ive retreated to maintain my sanity.In an ideal world............

To be honest I don’t understand why anyone needs someone else to help them, my eldest is 46 her father took two weeks off work and did everything that needed doing and we bonded together just the three of us.
When my daughter had her first I asked her when I could go to visit and went four days later as she requested.
I understand the distance is a big factor for you but apart from obviously wanting to see the baby as soon as possible why do you need to be there to help it’s not as if there are school runs or anything, can’t her husband do the shopping and cook

If I were you I would go along with whatever your DD & SIL ask of you, even if you feel hurt. I saw my DGS (he's now 12) for the first time when he was a few weeks old and wasn't allowed to touch him at all. I hid how I felt (and cried buckets when I was alone after they'd gone) and time passed. It transpired that her father, my ex, who I divorced for physical and mental abuse, had given her a large sum of money to help with the new family provided I was kept out of the picture. They needed the money.

They live at the opposite end of the country so visits are few and far between because we all work. Like you, it's a 10 hour round trip.

Having not seen them at all for two years, they came to see me a short while ago. When I opened my door to them, my grandson dived into my arms, squeezed and held on for several minutes. He was glued to my side the whole time they were here.

The point I'm making (badly, I admit) is that the child will know how much you love them, even if you don't see them as often as you'd like. Being the first to see them really doesn't matter, although it may feel like the end of the world to you right now (and I truly understand that). Those hugs told me exactly how he feels about me and will stay with me forever.

So keep the peace, hold your tongue, take what is offered and do it with a smile.

Pap67

EssPee….
Wow… don’t hold back will you? Too harsh. ?

????????????

My only grandchild is a toddler now. There are three sets of grandparents in the mix due to my son-in-law's parents being divorced. We all love our little grandson very much and therefore he gets the best of all of us. Ourselves and another set of grandparents have moved from a considerable distance away to be nearer our families (the other granny has a daughter locally so it was a great move for her) and it's worked out very well for us too. I would say that we actually do see him more, mainly because at the moment we do a couple of days a week childcare, and did actually see him first - but at the end of the day it honestly doesn't matter. Having him is such a joy, we know we're all lucky. These young women are very opinionated and my daughter decreed many things that either haven't happened or have been overturned. Your daughter may be the same. The best advice I had from my sister-in-law who already had grandchildren is that it's often necessary to bite your tongue!!!! Relax, enjoy your beautiful grandchild and go with the flow would be my advice. As you're close to your daughter I'm sure all will be well.