Daughter's first baby: am I being selfish wanting to be around to help?

I think that sometimes new grandparents can be guided by their own experience as a new parent. My first baby was born 5 days after I had a major eye operation. I was in hospital for 3 weeks in all. My DH meant well but hadn’t a clue how to help me. There was no other help and I managed in the end. I think I assumed that my DDs would manage too. However I didn’t want them to have the same start to parenthood that I had and told them to let me know if they needed help. They did! Stand back and wait and see. My GC are older now and we have a strong bond. There’s no hurry.

I am quite sure your daughter will be tickled pink to have you there. This sounds like are trying to get some control before the birth. We all know the best laid plans go awry. I would say to go with the flow. I do know what you mean about wanting to be the first Grandma to see the baby. I felt exactly the same, but found that we all loved the babies the same. It didn't matter in the end.

When she’s had it she will change her mind, they have no idea what’s about to hit them!

I've recently become a Nanna for the second time. This is my dd first baby and she and partner are so cohesive and supportive of one another. It his hard knowing where the line is sometimes but we are guided by them. We live just 15 mins away and both work so time can be limited.
A key element to all this is wanting your daughter and her little family to thrive independently. Be there I'd they need you and give them time to be alone and learn. My dd has a book which is her Mummy bible she reads about everything and there's much more 'science' behind parenting today! I am happy that they are happy and having had a difficult first experience of grandparenthood (all settled and part of family history now) its all I want for them.
It can be a minefield and you need to grow a sightly thicker skin but it's soooo worth it!
Enjoy finding your way around this new situation and settling into the level of support they need!

You may well find your daughter wants you around far more than she anticipates when all the fuss and excitement of new baby settles down. I’d aim to be the most chilled, relaxed, encouraging and supportive mum to your DD and SIL possible and the grandma role will naturally develop positively. I’m close to my mum and she was great in early days but it ended up being my MIL who had the most to do with my children in the end as she was the one who was always there in an emergency and prepare to inconvenience herself far more in the long term than my mum was. As a result she’s the one my children turn to and are close to. It’s a bit of a shame really but ultimately we tend to gravitate the most towards those who help us parent well over the long term. Enjoy what you’re given and have low expectations of involvement but always be there when asked/needed and it will probably work out fine. Play the long game & pick your battles carefully.

I’ve come across the competition between grandparents a few times, lately. It’s absurd. I’m sorry though, that your daughter won’t put you up for a few days. I think that’s a bit mean. I’m afraid you’re going to have to put up and shut up. I can’t help remembering my own mil coming every year for extended visits when I had my two babies. Apparently it was to “help”! Yes, imagine! A nine month pregnant woman cooking and cleaning and entertaining friends and family. I wish I’d had a bit more of a mouth, then. But you’re right to be hurt. I think though they will regret not taking you up on your offers of help. We put up with so much from our families that it’s hard to believe we won’t get our reward! I know this will work out. Put it down to the effects of social media!

I get it! As a person that like helping, it is a fine line between truly being helpful or others having to cover my need to be needed

I say: I am here if you need anything and the ball is in their court

I get the nearest book, sewing project, crochet or knit, etc and get myself busy

My daughter and SIL live in Europe, and I completely left it up to them how long they wanted me to stay after their first born and what kind of support they needed. My DD had to have an emergency C section after a gruelling labour- so I did stay on for 3 weeks in all. I had planned to stay in my room a lot in the evenings or during quiet times etc to let them bond as a new family and this worked quite well. Although as you know babies don’t keep to planned timings! TBH I would have been glad for a couple of nights in a hotel ! I was shattered afterwards! But it was a lovely time and we have all hit it off really well. My words of wisdom…. Don’t be surprised by all the ‘new’ methods- ask your DD how she would like things done! Advice only on request- and LOTS of reassurance! I second the thoughts of others- please don’t be hurt by not seeing baby first, it really doesn’t matter to the baby and I’m sure your DD doesn’t see it as a slight on you, she is confident of your love xxxx

Think of it as playing the long game. You have an eye to the future and maintaining the good relationships that you have with your family. Sometimes, we just have to swallow hard! Good luck x

My mil wanted to come and help when my kids were born

The only issue is that the kind of help she could offer was not the one I needed and she would have been a burden instead

For example, she would tell my dh that the newborn needed water and breast milk wasnt nutritious enough - if she would have been at my home, she would have gone to the airport right then and there.

As people have said you would be wise to do just as requested. And yet,
your feelings are not anything to be ashamed of.! You are wise to be dealing with them ahead of time. There's a loss to process, what you hoped for isn't going to happen at least not in the way you hoped...and acceptance of that doesn't have to happen in a nanosecond. Write or talk it through (not with your daughter,)...wishing you a precious time when you do visit.

You could consider discussing the following rule with your daughter: 'I will come and stay but only to undertake shopping, cooking and cleaning. I will not interact with the baby unless asked'.

This worked wonderfully well for myself and daughters: the new parents get to know their baby and settle into their own routine.

I was asked to help - very quickly, too! Matters such as the best angle for breast feeding or best way to stop the baby crying (swaddling helped), were put to me and when they worked, everyone relaxed a little more.

Having a baby is a terrifying time, especially now. I vividly remember arriving home from hospital, my husband plonking the car seat down and us looking at the sleeping baby and wondering 'what are we supposed to do with it now?! Perhaps your daughter is concerned about your having Covid? You could reassure her that you would take a lateral flow test daily, or similar?

Whatever you do, do not flout your daughter's wishes as it will come back and bite you. She makes the decisions.

As to who sees the baby first, well, the baby won't have a clue and does it really matter? Yes, of course you will be a little hurt but distance is a logistical problem for you and you will have to accept that if local, the 'other' grandparents will see more of the baby. You can still have a full relationship by Zoom, or in person so please don't fret too much. There is about to be a wonderful new addition to your family, try to relax and enjoy it!

I understand how you feel. However, it’s nice you are able to visit and perhaps once you get there your DD will realise just how much she may need you to help her and ask you to stay a little longer. I missed out on both my grandchildren’s arrival. They live at the other side of the world. My DS n his wife brought our first grandchild over to the Uk age 3 months at the Christmas which was extremely thoughtful of them. Our second grandchild we didn’t see for several months but flew out to see him. I know my DiL parents see the children more than we do but that’s the way it is. It will be 3 years in a few months since we saw them due to Covid restrictions. Just go and enjoy every precious minute with your DD n the baby and have a lovely time

My first grandchild, my DD’s first baby, was born a few days before the first lockdown last year. We live 200 miles apart. My DH and I were lucky to get an overnight stay in a hotel before it became impossible and saw the baby at DD’s house the day after she got home from hospital. Then we didn’t see them at all for 3 months. It wasn’t what we wanted but we are so glad that at least we saw the baby when we did. Precious memories. My advice is that no
matter what the circumstances it will be a wonderful experience and you’ll love every minute. I am actually a bit envious that you have been asked to help with practical tasks ?

You sound like a flexible and understanding person. I would recommend you have extra spare days just in case your daughter wants you to stay on longer and you could accommodate that without any inconvenience to yourself. Just might happen (but don't count your chickens!). Whatever occurs, enjoy your time together. I wish you oh so well; all of you.

I was a ward clerk on a busy Delivery Suite for 17 years before retirement last year. I have seen so much bickering and unpleasantness between new Grannies and parents at what should be a momentous time in a family's life. You will have to take your daughter's lead, I am afraid. It is her and her husband's baby, first and foremost. It sounds as if they have discussed these guidelines and obviously hope you will follow them. It isn't a competition as to who sees the baby first. There aren't any prizes for the person who has the first cuddle. I would go along with their wishes and enjoy the time you will have with your first grandchild. What a wonderful moment for you. However, as this is your daughter's 1st baby she won't yet know how much hard work a baby can be. Getting dressed can be an achievement some days so she may be asking you for help should that time come around.

hebburnsent

You are not being selfish. From my experience (I am 75) just go along with everything she wants with a good heart or she will see you as needy. I bet she asks you to stay longer if you do this. Or asks you back very soon xxx

I agree. In general, the less you push at people, the more they end up pulling you back in. It’s the natural balance of tension.

from your question, you seem to be focussing on what you want rather than what your daughter wants?

I think you just have to go with your daughter's wishes. Please don't stress about it as stress does not help any situation. Enjoy the time you have with your new grandchild x

You are not being selfish. From my experience (I am 75) just go along with everything she wants with a good heart or she will see you as needy. I bet she asks you to stay longer if you do this. Or asks you back very soon xxx

How humanity has survived I will never know. Time and time again folk are on about all the support new mum's need from relatives. Is there no way people are left to learn how to and experience raising children without family interference. When I read those posts I think I must be the only person alive who had a two and a half year old and twins, no family support, (100s of miles away) DH whose job meant he was away from home a lot, worked very erratic hours different every day, no regular weekends off, we didn't have a car and yet all three children survived. Wait until you are asked/invited to visited, the baby isn't yours, you have no entitlement.

DH and I were the first to see our new GD and they were happy for us to visit when she went home but DD declined any help . I understood as she and SIL wanted to be alone with their new baby for the first couple of weeks. We are very involved with our GD now as we have looked after her for two days a week since she was nine months old. Rosierary I'm sure your help will be appreciated later. Just go with what your DD wants for the time being.

I just wish you had been my mum! I struggled alone with all three babies each time as no paternity leave to rely on either. I would of loved some help from mum. I suppose with most dad's being around maybe new mums just want to start off as s little nucleus family unit to begin with and see how they cope.

Hugely sympathetic. When my only grandson was born my daughter-in-law did not want anyone there for at least 3 weeks and certainly not staying with them. We live at least 5 hours away in Devon with them in Hertfordshire. In the end I took a 2 night stay in a London Travelodge and went up by train. Went by train to their town for the day and saw him. She would not let me touch him. My son took me back to the station and said it was difficult for her as she'd had to have a stitch. ( When I had him it was high forceps with numerous stitches so I was only a bit sympathetic).
But I believe these days they encouraged to keep visitors away at the start to better bond with baby.
I hope your experience goes better than ours as we rarely get to see them and they refuse to stay with us even though we have plenty of room.

Oh I feel your pain. Don’t admonish yourself for your emotions even if others see things differently. Lots of good advice given here already but would just add a quote from an old boss. “Under promise and over deliver”. We usually waste time and energy worrying so keep smiling and carry on. It’ll be alright in the end x