Daughter's first baby: am I being selfish wanting to be around to help?

Are you worried they wont cope?

They will, you know

Just be the robbers dog in the 1080s as others have suggested x

Rosierary
I wish I had you for my mother!.
When both of my children were born
my mother made herself invisible
She had work to go to but still she made no effort to help when she was off. To be fair on her though she did not get on with my MIL or any of DH's relatives who lived within walking distance of me so that was the probably the real reason, but my MIL was not exactly helpful either, she would come in, cuddle the baby then leave with some excuse to be away.
This was 1969 and 1972 when paternity leave did not exist.Both were traumatic births, I had EMCS both times and was very ill lafter the first one. The second time my DH was working abroad and did not come home till two months afterwards.
Enough of my woes.I am a great granny now and have cared for all my grandchildren when their parents were at work in between my working as well.Both of my children are sons, the descendants are all from DS2. I did not interfere at their births, left it to the mothers both times- DS has been married twice I was itching to help but waited until asked.
I would have loved to have had you staying with me both times, as long as you liked it would have been perfect.
Your daughter is very lucky to have you, tell her that from me!
You will most likely be asked to stay a bit longer, once reality hits.Just do as she wishes for now, but when her baby is here she will be pleading with you to stay, and in her house not a self catering place either. Apologies if I seem cheeky but expecting you to stay in a set catering place when she has plenty of room in her house is a bit off. If you are in the en suite you will both have privacy when needed, so won't be in each other's way all the time.
I hope all goes well and I know you will be a lovely grandmother. Do not upset yourself over the other grandmother seeing the baby first, that is trivial the baby will not know that.

Well V3ra I’ve yet to have guests who do more than strip the bed. They don’t do the laundry before they leave! They might leave the bathroom reasonably clean but it will still need a proper clean and the towels washed.

Germanshepherdsmum

If you stay with them that’s a bed to change, laundry to do, the en suite to clean after you go. A lot of extra work for a new mum. I agree with what others have said about this apparent need to be the first to see the baby. Don’t turn this into a competition.

I think most people would do that themselves before they went home, surely?

I stayed at my daughter's after she had her second baby earlier this year. They had a spare bed for me but no bedding, so I actually took my own duvet and pillows!

Her partner had two weeks paternity leave and one week's holiday, so I was asked to go and stay for a week when he went back to work.
We had seen them just after the birth as we had the four year old while the baby was being born, so we'd taken her home afterwards.

Rosierary as far as you can just slot in where required to suit your daughter and son-in-law, whether it's what you'd expected to be asked to do or not. Just don't be surprised if it changes once the baby's here!
Congratulations ?

You don't have to thank people personally unless you want to. What you have said is fine and sometimes posts cross and go up in a different order.
I think this whole rules of what to do has come over the last few years and complicates things unnecessarily. There do seem some families who need it but it is difficult to remember everything and be natural in case you are perceived to be doing something wrong. With a first baby, it is nice to have some ground rules - some very sensible like no smoking in the house, no kissing the baby, don't waken the baby! But new parents may need more practical help if the baby say develops colic which is exhausting for parents and a grandparent can be very important as they can take the baby for a walk or walk the baby countless times round the garden while the parents eat or have a break from crying (this is from experience).

Depending on how it goes, and how well the baby sleeps, she might well change her mind and be glad of someone to see to shopping/cooking/laundry etc., or perhaps take the baby out in the pram for a while, to allow her to have a shower/snooze, etc.

I really don’t understand why new parents are so precious and fussily prescriptive nowadays, but if MN is anything to go by, it’s common enough. I’m just grateful that my dd was glad of any help after she had her 3.

Though having said that, you do have to give advice only if and when asked, no matter how much you think that your way was better/less exhausting, etc.

Please follow your daughter's lead.

Your relationship with her will determine your relationship with your gc

Imagine: what if she went to the hospital for appendicitis? Do the same thing.
Support your daughter how she wants to be supported

You have been asked to visit and help which is a good thing. I'd listen and do as asked, focus on your daughter and helping her feel supported in her needs, then maybe you might get invited again during your stay.

If you stay with them that’s a bed to change, laundry to do, the en suite to clean after you go. A lot of extra work for a new mum. I agree with what others have said about this apparent need to be the first to see the baby. Don’t turn this into a competition.

Thank you so much everybody for all your words of wisdom. I am particularly touched by the more compassionate and empathic posts and..more relaxed! If I could work out how to comment on individual posts, I would, but hope a general appreciation will suffice.

But times have changed since the 1080’s

Gosh Teacheranne: you must be the oldest person on GN!

But times have changed since the 1080s

They certainly have!

Gosh, I could not have coped without my mum coming to stay after baby two and baby three. I lived about 200 miles away and although I had neighbours to look after first child while actually in hospital, I relied on my mum to drop everything and drive over as soon as I went into labour. I would not have dreamt of telling her to stay at a hotel even though we only had a small house ( two beds and a box room).

But times have changed since the 1080s and I guess we just have to go along with what our children are asking but sometimes it seems a bit excessive. If I was travelling for five hours then I would want to stop for more than two days, in fact I think I would book at least a week in case they changed their mind.

Made me chuckle DillytheGardener it's a long time since I've heard the robbers dog expression

I think just play it by their rules for now. I imagine that they are feeling in over their heads, so just let them find their feet and I’m sure once the novelty of sleepless nights wears off you will be required for at home visits.
My MIL unfortunately inserted herself from day one after the birth of ds1 and 2, so my own opinion is coloured by that. Be the ‘cool’ grandma (as my son refers to me as) who supports both parents and tell them they are fantastic parents, bring food and treats for them rather than just the baby, and I’m sure you will be in like robbers dog in no time.

I agree with shelflife, good advice. Enjoy it when you do see the baby, it's lovely having that experience.

Just go with your daughters wishes, who knows once the baby is born the rules may change. Your daughter may feel very differently once she has her child. Your daughter is probably all over the place at the moment , you sound like a loving Mum so play it by ear and don't worry that you may not be the first GM to see the baby- it is of no importance. All that matters is your daughter is safely delivered of your lovely GC and all is well. Congratulations take the next few weeks as they come , relax and congratulations !

I would let them do it their way and wait for them asking for more help later on but point out it is expensive to pay for your accommodation. I was lucky that my daughter was local so would ring me if she needed urgent shopping etc and I would take her a meal I had made them to heat up. I did see the baby briefly each time usually a peek in his Moses basket but within a week my daughter was keen for me to stay longer for some company or a chance to run upstairs for a shower etc. I now look after the baby a couple of days a week whilst she works from home.

I expect they want time to themselves as a new family , paternity leave is for 2 weeks , so dad can do shopping cooking etc, partners are far more hands on these days and I’m guessing they want to learn as they go along and get to know their little one. Asking you to cook a meal is good as you know what you’re expected to do and you will be useful. The baby won’t know who saw her first btw.

Similar thread on this subject. I wonder whether some magazine has advised expectant mothers to think up and lay down rules and regulations.

Does her husband have paternity leave. If he’s taking a couple of weeks off they don’t really need a third person at that point.

My mum waited (apart from a flying visit) till my OH was back to work before coming to help me. That was when I needed her,

Sorry, I think I wanted to respond individually but not sure how this works...so thank you everyone, I really appreciate all your responses and it has helped to put a new perspective on things.

Thank you Deedaa, I appreciate your response. No, I would never criticise the in laws or tell her what she should be doing.

I agree BlueBelle but on reading some threads on here it does seem that some grandparents are over invested in the lives of their children and grandchildren.
I'm not sure how much impact Covid has had on families with small children and new babies. Maybe parents feel they have to make rules to protect their children.
Try to relax a bit more over this Rosierary fall in with your daughter's wishes, I'm sure she will be glad of your help when she is home with the baby. I don't think it matters who sees the baby first, he or she will have lots of love.

I come from an era where things seemed much less regimented and rule driven or perhaps it’s just my family
My first was born overseas so no one saw her till she was nearly 2 my second was born in my home town and temporally staying st my mum and dads so obviously they saw him whenever for the first few months
My third was about 5/6 hours away on the train or coach and I asked mum to come and help me for a week She did I didn’t give her any rules or regulations as she’d brought me up well and I presumed she knew what to do around a new baby then she went home and I had all three to myself my mum in law was never demanding and had about eight other grandkids so she saw them whenever I could visit
I can’t believe all the rules involved now with what you can and can’t do its all like a business arrangment

Go along with what they want that’s all I can advise