Grandchild dislikes me

To be honest, if he is young enough to want to sit next to you and hold your hand, then he is too young for you to ask questions about his feelings for other people.m

My son was such a live wire that he would have hated anyone who tried to make him sit down and be still. He wanted adults who would play rough and tumble games, chase him and push him on the swing. Only when he tired did he sit next to someone to watch cartoons or read a book - but it was on his terms.

My youngest son however was quite content to cuddle up to his grandparents as it protected him from being pushed around by his big brother! But even then only for a short time, young children have such a short attention span.

Like others have said, watch your grandson quietly, observe what he likes to play with and just go over and start playing with those toys - as long as he lets you as you must not take over or invade his space. You might try sitting down and look at one of his books as his curiosity could make him wander offer and you can then talk to him about the book.

It might not be possible though to change his views quickly but assuming he is young, he will soon forget his current feelings towards you if you stop pressuring him. Above all do not take it personally, I really don’t think young children’s are capable of being deliberately horrible to adults.

I’m quite uncomfortable with a grandparent asking a child to sit beside them and hold their hand. I have actually seen this behaviour and didn’t like it. OP sounds very needy and the child should be free to make up his own mind as to whether he wants to hold anyone’s hand (except for safety reasons on the road obvs), not required to have physical contact with anyone unless he wants to. It cuts right across the ‘my body my choice’ message.

The more you push the more your grandson will back away, a lot of kids hate feeling smothered, as others have said play with him and wait until he comes to you, dont force the situation.

I can remember telling my grandmother that I didn’t like her when I really loved her. I was three years old and was being looked after by her as my brother was being born. I remember standing at the bus stop that would take me home and carrying on like anything and screaming my head off.

I have always found that just standing back and letting the grandchild make the relationship is the best. Thinking back to my own childhood, I loathed adults that demanded love and affection, no matter how subtly.

My DGS went through a stage as a pre-schooler and when starting school, when DH was everything, and he would divert round me to get to him and showed no interest in me at at all. i just left it to him. He is now 11 and is loving and affectionate with me.

Dare I say this problem says more about you than him. Why does your self-esteem depend so much on the affection of your grand child. Deal with that and the problem will probably resolve itself.

Thank you for your thoughts. He is 4. Given the responses I am embarrassed but hopefully I have time to turn this around.

Sitting next to me was at a restaurant.
The holding of hand was to cross a street and for his protection. Sorry I was unclear

Honestly, they seem like normal behaviour for a boy his age.
My girl kicked up an almighty tantrum about holding my mums hand to cross the road at that age.
(In front of the one person I had prayed she wouldn't- of course!)

We went to a Grandparents' Day school assembly once and DGS1 and 2 presented us with the "Best Grandparents" certificate....with strict instructions that we had to pass it on to the other GPs. Next year DH was awarded the "Best Grandparent" certificate featuring him alone. My day still hasn't come, but I think they like me really.

Don't take it to heart, OP. Children hate to be interrogated and put under pressure. Just relax and enjoy his company.

Instead of hands, I have to get my kids' tshirt, pullover, dress, etc... when crossing the road.

I think your gc is behaving accordingly

I have two delightful GD. One is over the top tactile and the other snuggles up very very gradually and in her own time if at all but I don't think for one moment either cares for me more than the other. Just amazingly different personalities I guess.

Why didn’t you make that clear at the outset Donna? Makes a huge difference to how your post came across and what everyone’s taken the time to say. Yet another post with half the story. So he wanted to sit next to someone else at the restaurant table. So he wants to look grown up and not be seen outside holding hands (tough, it’s for his safety)? So what? He probably tells the other grandparents how wonderful you are. Stop pestering him with questions which a child of his age can’t answer.

Yes, that question is even inappropriate for an adult.

DonnaB5959

Sitting next to me was at a restaurant.
The holding of hand was to cross a street and for his protection. Sorry I was unclear

Oh, that's different.
Yes, I remember picking DGD up from school and she refused to hold my hand crossing the road. She said thank you but she knew perfectly well to look out for traffic and so I grabbed her coat instead. I'm sure she didn't like me much at that moment but I didn't ask.

So he is 4!

1. Sitting next to you in a restaurant! That is no big deal at all - in that particular moment he wanted to sit next to someone else. Next time he might want to sit next to you! That is what 4 year olds do!

2. Crossing the road - loads don't want to hold hands at 4 because they THINK they don't need to...they do of course! So non negotiable - he holds hands or you hold his jumper /hood/whatever - his choice which one but absolutely no lee way that it WILL be one of them!

3. Comparing how how treats you to his other grandparents by asking him if he would behave like that with them - completely inappropriate for a 4 year old, who is basically learning to negotiate relationships in different ways with different people.

4. Asking why " we aren't friends" to a 4 year old - well other 4 year olds might ask each other that but you are an adult and his grandparent! Why would you ask him that at 4 years old?

5."Person non grata" as you call it may well be partly because you are continuously drawing attention to his behaviours (or your interpretation of his behaviours) towards you ...and a 4 year old who is beginning to assert independence and learn about how he can impact on others may well be testing your reactions, as you have successfully highlighted your concerns to him!

I think you need to think very carefully about why you are seeing his behaviours as being about YOU! Why are you interpreting them as being about YOU!

I am not saying any of the above to be unkind...I think it is really important for you and for him in building a relationship that you think really carefully about all of the above and then make a plan for developing your relationship and tempering your responses for the future. Remember he is only 4 years old, that is very little!

Wow. Yes, I am insecure. Yes, I screwed up. No, I don’t plan on being inappropriate again.

I see my cancer docs tomorrow for the results of a biopsy. No excuse - not looking for sympathy-just talking about state of mind.

Life is never easy. Guess I am disappointed in me not being the mother or grandmother I wanted to be.

My apologies for the unclear explanation. At times, people assume everyone knows the things they know.

I’m so sorry and hope you get good news tomorrow. I’m sure you are a good and caring mother and grandmother. Just try to relax and go with the flow.?

I wish you well Donna and maybe thats why you are insecure.
Take a step back,children don`t like feeling suffocated.

Life is never easy. Guess I am disappointed in me not being the mother or grandmother I wanted to be.

No, it's not.
We all think we could do better and if we don't we'd be arrogant and foolish.

? with the diagnosis.

By the way Donna, very few have the good grace to come back as you have. That shows you’re a far better person than you give yourself credit for. I’m sorry I was snippy with you - we never know how another may be suffering and just assume that apart from the issue they mention all’s fine in their world. So please accept my apologies, lesson learned. More?.

Yes, it takes courage to admit on an open forum that your approach to a problem may have been less than perfect.

I think you are already well on your way to a lovely relationship with your grandson.

Donna. No excuse - not looking for sympathy-just talking about state of mind. Life is never easy. Guess I am disappointed in me not being the mother or grandmother I wanted to be

On the basis of your understandable state of mind, then you need to stop "beating yourself up" about mistakes made and look to how go forward not making the same mistakes, which you will be able to do.

You have realised that you "screwed up" which shows that you are a thoughtful and sensible person who is able to self reflect! That is NOT someone who is a failure! It was a mistake, partly for the reasons I outlined above, but its not the end of the world, it doesn't make you a complete failure and most of all what you are dealing with at the moment is very likely to be a big part of the reason why you are feeling and reacting as you are.

As Monica says, it takes courage to admit that your approach to something was less than perfect and to come back to an open forum to do it. That also shows that you are very far from a failure. You just made a mistake

I hope that your appointment with the Dr tomorrow goes as you would wish.

?for you Donna.