How to handle stepgrandchildren that are out of control

Is your house childproof?

Issue no. 1 is the father of the children, who doesnt discipline them

Issue no. 2 is your dh, not setting any rules.
That is your home too and both have to agree to a visit, not just one.

The idea of you taking a vacation while they are there is good, and your dh also makes sure the home is the same way as you left it when you come back

This is outrageous. You have to be firm with your husband, and say it’s no longer happening, and mean it. It’s your home too...and it’s not fair. If you came home to find that mess, presumably you’d assume you’d had burglars, and report to the police!

I can only imagine how awful this is, as there’s no way I or my husband would ever entertain this.

If your husband won’t do it....then leave. As someone else said, go to a hotel...anywhere, and don’t go back until all is cleaned up. Put all your possessions somewhere else if you can.

Your husband needs to see you mean business, and to be honest, he may never do this whilst you stay at home, appearing to be ok with it.

It’s time to kick a..e. Good luck.

hfactor, it's your job and privilege to tell guests including children and adults what to do.

If the children's father does not know how to parent then command him to take his children for interesting walk/game of footie in the park/run on the beach/ instruction on how to play golf or putting/swimming lessons/ indoor gymnastics such as teaching them how to do handstands/take them into the garden to wash the vegetables/play at being cats , mice, ghosts, or jellyfish.

I have one set of grandchildren who are 'wild tornados' - despite their parents' best efforts to control them. Luckily, my 1930's house has locks on the doors. When they're coming to stay, I remove all plants, lamps, cushions, ornaments, rugs etc. and lock them in a bedroom for the duration.

It's the only way that I can tolerate their visits. I will cook a meal, then expect the parents to cater on the following day. I do have some 'rules', such as keeping hallways/stairs clear, hanging up bath towels, no shoes in the house, that I insist on. Good luck!

I just don't know how you put up with this in your home,you must make you OH listen to you about the disruption and how unfair it is.
Personally I would speak to the son and tell him to get things sorted or not to visit again irrelevant of what your OH thinks this is your home as well as his.

How old are the children?

If your husband wont "straighten them out with ground rules" then do it yourself hfactor.

It's your home too. Your things are being damaged and you are wearing yourself out every time they come to stay. In your position I'd refuse to have them to stay unless they buck their ideas up.

If you're unable to do this and your H wont get involved, how about locking and/or hiding anyway everything you fear may get damaged or broken and go and stay somewhere for the duration of their stay, leaving your H to deal with it himself.

H factor, you must be a saint, as I know I couldn’t stand it. I would explain to your husband that you can’t cope, he must take control of the situation. If he won’t, I think I would lock any valuables away and take a little holiday for their next visit.

Sorry about some of the grammar in my post

My Mum had a similar situation to this. It was my sister her husband and 3 kids used to go over ever Sunday. Mum would be cooking Sunday lunch while my sister and her husband just sat on their phones and the kids would run wild. My stepfather didn’t do anything and it was always mum who who have to try to look after them going in and out of the kitchen while they ignored their behaviour.
So mum in the end had to tell my sister who took the huff and stormed out with them. So they became estranged for years although talked on the phone and my stepfather used to go to them once a week for his evening meal and mum had peace and quiet. She had to lay the law down.
When my own children come with my grandkids they look after their own children so we can enjoy them all. That’s how it should be. I really feel for you. Your husband needs to stand with you or I would definately go out when they came over.

Is the stepson a full time single dad?

I was just wondering if he comes for a bit of respite and support.

Maybe your OH could go to stay with them sometimes.
Could you find nearby places to take them out to, to run off steam.

i don't think telling them certain rooms are out of bounds is going to make any difference.
neither is asking them to lay the table likely to work.
it sounds way beyond that.
her husband wants them there.
she should move out for the duration.
why should she suffer. her health is adversely affected.
either move out for the duration, or permanently, from the marriage.
life is short. don't waste it in needless suffering or recriminations.
avoid the tendency to martyrdom. some people can get stuck in it, as it seems to give them the moral upperhand. a mistake.

And your DH needs to buck up!

I assume their father is in a relationship with one of your children and they are the stepparent

I think that hfactor married the grandfather of all her step-children.
The father of the unruly children is his son.

I wouldn't be waiting on everyone; take charge and give them jobs. Make them tidy up their stuff. Tell them certain rooms are out of bounds.
They are obviously left to run wild but your house - your rules!
Does the father just have the children occasionally or full-time?

I couldn’t stand it I’m afraid, I’d have to confront their father and tell him you aren’t prepared to put up with this awful undisciplined behaviour! Why is he allowing them to behave like this, it’s disgraceful that he just sits on his phone letting you and your husband do all the work. I assume their father is in a relationship with one of your children and they are the stepparent. Life’s too short to put up with all that stress, if they can’t behave and respect your home refuse to have them all to stay. Let them go to a hotel, why should you move out of your own home so they can take over and trash the place. These children are not your responsibility, they are causing you stress and trashing your house. Your husband needs to support you, it sounds like he doesn’t want to rock the boat but he is being taken for a mug by the father. The children know they can get away with it so will continue to run riot, they need some ground rules. Maybe they’ll liven their ideas up if you lay the law down, or maybe they’ll go off in a huff, let them!! Best of luck.

Why do you have them to stay? Set some ground rules and if they refuse just don’t have them again.

I'm guessing your DH won't confront his son because he is afraid of losing contact. If he's a single parent you can understand him wanting a bit of a break. Maybe take the kids out for a couple of hours to give him some relaxation time?
Next, you need to ask for help in a specific way. E.g. if you are making dinner ask SIL to peel the potatoes, one child to lay the table, another to clear the plates etc.
You don't say how old the children are. If they are young enough, you might be able to make a game out of little jobs.
Good luck!

go stay somewhere else, friends or hotel, for the duration, paying out of joint account of course.
take precious things with you if poss. or get a sturdy locker and lock away as much as poss.
don;t discuss, just announce and go.
avoid them. you have to look after your health. you;ve tried to discuss it with husband. don't continue suffering from it.
do something positive. you are not a slave. you can do something else.
good luck.

Step family or original family they have no right to treat you this way. Time for some tough talking, starting with your OH; how will those children ever learn some respect whilst ever they treat your home so badly and expect you both to wait on them hand and foot. Talk to your OH, form a united front and together you should then talk to the step son, they are his responsibility wherever they are.

Why will your husband not lay down any ground rules? Does he not care what is happening to his house or is he afraid he will lose contact with his son and the grandchildren if he does? Do you like the children? Is it just their lack of control that bothers you? The son would drive me to distraction, and I would be very tempted to remove the TV as well.

Either way, it is your home as well, so you do need to take action.
He must do all the caring while they are there, but it would foolish for you to absent yourself, so the suggestion that you just collect their things and put them in baskets is a good one, with as little comment as possible.

In your position I would lock away my valuables and book into a hotel. Tell your husband that you expect the house to be spick and span before your return. If they all complain, gently hint that they have the solution in their hands.

Buy a few wicker baskets with lids, and scoop up everything left laying around into them.
No sorting, no folding, no separating.
Toys, clothes, shoes, pens, paint.
All in a bin with the lid put on.

Keep your own stuff in your bedroom, with a lock on the door.

I would definitely hide my precious items in my bedroom which is out of bounds. While they are visiting find jobs that please you, so that you are too busy to help your husband. I would just pick up objects, fold their clothes and put them all on the bedroom floors, so the living areas are clear. I would leave housework until they have left.

You really need to get your husband onside

Failing that, set up your own rules. It’s your house too.

This is a problem with your husband first and Foremost

The trouble is, if you decamp, that’s one less pair of hands and eyes to watch for damages.

I wouldn’t be putting up with this situation, but then nor would my husband. You have my sympathy.