Eggshell Walk

PierPressha I have fortunately never been stopped seeing grandchildren but I know people who have. I agree it's best to see if time will tell if it lasts. Keep in touch text to offer help etc so you will at least know how your grandchildren are doing. When your daughter needs some help she will realise how unreasonable she has been ?

Nessie22 It's a shame he wants you to be involved with his family but you don't want to. Some people don't get the opportunity to be involved they are left out. It sounds as if you are two people in opposite directions. If there is no compromise on both sides there is no choice so you know the outcome.

Unless I am misunderstanding you have not really known him that long in the scheme of things? Can't say I would give up my present life so easily either.

I wouldn't accept being integrated into an extended family which included the ex wife either Nessie. I can see his POV though. He is doing what he wants and has always planned to do and you're welcome to go with him, but he won't change his plans, because his family comes first. So you can do it with him, or not at all. My choice would be not at all. We all have to plan for our old age. And your plans and his sound as if they're not compatible.

Compromises are often needed in relationships Nessie but this sounds like one which it just too big for either of you to make.

If you really don't want to live in Spain, and he wont give up his goal then a parting of the ways looks to be the only option.

Can anyone please help. After a failed divorce 16 years ago I choose to trust a man I met online. Covit came and as he was on his own as was I we decided to move in together into what was his ex wife's and children's home. He had lived in it for the last 10 years alone. I have no children due to ovarian cancer. He has 3. One of which lives in Spain. His goal was he says to spend the rest of his life in Spain and to sell the family home and look after me as he loves me for the rest of his life. Easy I can hear uou say but no. I am an easy person to get on with and blended into and got to know both children and children. But I don't want to go to Spain because I feel the daughter and grandchildren there are put before me every time we are there. His ex wife is very present in the life we have here even though his 2 boys here are 35 and 27!! I am expected to get on with her and go to birthdays etc which I don't want to do. He says he is going to spain with or without me - that is what I don't understand- if you love someone and your life changes then surely so do your ideas? Covit has changed us all. Is it me that is wrong?

Unfortunately us grandparents have no rights. Mine isn’t my daughter it’s daughter inlaw she is an only child but sometimes she acts like she is still a child and my tongue is sore. I’ve said to my son is it her time of month.

Best to chill , she'll be nice when she needs/wants something !!!

LizziesMom, I don't know about the daughter expressing hurt and pain. Sounds more like she just gets mad/fed-up and P.P. hasn't "sorted" out the reason why. She needs to make a real effort to understand her daughter's anger if the relationship is important to her because you are exactly right in that she must go through her daughter to see the GC.

My youngest AD can and has flown off the handle at the slightest perceived slight from anyone. Always has. We love her, her husband and her two kids without reservation but when we could no longer tolerate her intolerable narcissistic behavior and let her know we wouldn't put up with the abuse any longer, she went hard no contact. That is what the OP'r faces if she decides to stop being an emotional punching bag for her daughter's mood swings.

All estrangements hurt. Some estrangements are necessary despite the hurt. It is better to resolve relationships when it is possible.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

"My daughter and I have a rocky relationship(I have have yet to find the root of it)"
And

". I've apologized for all the hurts etc she's shared that has caused her pain(whether Im the cause or not)"

Seem to contradict each other.

What did she say that caused her pain? Could that be the reason why you do not get along?

"This time hurts more becuase all the gifts I bought on Christmas I cant see them play with."
A present is supposed to be given without a purpose or agenda attached to it.
Aren't you happy they are enjoying those gifts?
That is all that counts.

I have to strongly agree with Urmstongran, the weaponizing of if you get to see your GC is the tactic of a bully and will only get worse so long as you play the doormat. I wouldn't think it healthy for the GC to see you being played on, and they will notice it eventually. I would suggest having a sit down with your daughter and tell her your feelings and fears. Get to the root of it all and perhaps come to a more respectful understanding of each other as fellow adults and mothers.

I wish you happiness going forward with not only the grandkids, but your daughter also.

We've had counseling & prayer sessions. I've apologized for all the hurts etc she's shared that has caused her pain(whether Im the cause or not). It still hasnt stopped her from lashing out on me. I'm super grateful for every comment, it has caused me to look at it from every angle. My prayer is she gets the healing she need so we can unite and be the village the boys need in this cruel world they're facing.

One daughter did say that she was jealous of my relationship with her children, as they loved me much more than her.

I said, no, it's just different. I don't have the daily grind of chores with them, don't have to discipline, I'm just the fun Granny. But, as she's my child, I'll always love her a bit more then them. (She was pleased with that reply. Perhaps they really need to be told.)

It's awful isn't it? I would just bite your tongue. It's not easy but if you want to keep seeing your grandchildren, it's for the best. Good luck.

Whatever it takes - I have 3 children and had problems with the older two - my daughter and my middle child (son). Somehow, I was never prevented from seeing the GC., even if it meant seeing and playing with them, for an hour a week, while parents kept away (they go upstairs). Even the memory of those days fill me with dread. How did it get to that!! Anyway, things are better now, but certainly not perfect. Be patient. And keep seeing them…….

Sadly I don’t think it will stop PierPressa as your daughter knows she has the upper hand and, as demonstrated, isn’t afraid to use it against you. A sword of Damocles hanging over your head. I think it’s a form of bullying to be honest. And we all know that bullies have to be challenged or they become ever more so.

What’s that saying? You cannot change other people’s behaviour? Only your own.

I genuinely feel for you (and you GagaJo) and hope things become smoother, perhaps as and when your daughter’s outlook matures. Reminds me of kids who flounce off in a dispute, taking their ball with them. Suit yourself comes to mind.

Having had four (sometimes belligerent) children and hundreds of downright awkward teenage students, I came to the sad conclusion that they just blamed me for their various troubles - however illogical and unconnected that was.

My best tactic was to resist any hostile looks or reactions I felt (however tempting - and valid) and display a really hurt and disappointed response.

I even apologised, often, for being a hopeless, rotten mother and teacher. It really takes the wind out of their sails, it makes them reflect - and feel bad about causing such distress.

I firmly believe they're all good at heart, just display their own hurt as hostility towards us, so I never take it to heart myself - and still love them all.

My kids are very nice these days - they grew out of it eventually (in fact, rapidly when their own kids played up). Oh yes, what goes around, comes around, so I have to stifle a giggle, now, when they're the target.

Yeah I like the sound of that. They're 6 and 7, so as yourself it'll be a little while. I love the Eggshell it is comment...

I also have a tricky relationship with my own DM (I feel she preferred my brother, and that she has expectations of me that she does not of him). When I read your post, I get an immediate sense of your love for your grandchildren, but not so much for your daughter. If I were to read something similar written by my own DM, it would compound the rejection I have felt previously.

Naturally I know nothing of the ins and outs, just sharing another perspective.

I don’t have GC, but have posted before about my in laws.

Have you considered mediation or counselling to try and improve the relationship with your daughter? As long as that is difficult, I imagine the relationship with your GC will be, too.

Part of what I have realised is that my MIL doesn’t bother with me and never really has. Her lack of investment in me is now impacting on her ability to be an active grandparent to my child. We don’t naturally turn to them for anything, and family time is short. There are lots of friends and family who are more invested in us as a unit, and so the GPs end up lower down the list.

My DD isn't easy, so I don't assume it's going to get easier. But I think as GC get older, the relationship can become more independent of their parents. Once they get into mobile phone territory, they can message privately.

I've got a while to go to get to that point. So eggshells it is.

Absolutely. They're so dear. Im just praying the bickering & withholding them will stop. Also hoping that others will share with me their method of dealing with it.

Your daughter sounds a right madam. And she’s holding all the aces isn’t she? Not easy to deal with if you’re not natural doormat material. No wonder your feelings get hurt.
?

My situation isn't the same, but I'm with you on doing whatever it takes to maintain the relationship. Those GC are worth it. Not their fault, either.