Husband is reluctant grandfather

I agree, Galaxy. And some of us had no choice but to look after our grandchildren. We had our grandson living with us (along with my son) for almost two years, and as my son works shifts, that involved us looking after the little one almost full time. It wasn't easy - I'm certainly not a 'grandchild-obsessed' grandmother and I wouldn't necessarily choose to be around young children all day, but it was a situation which was thrust upon us and we got on with it, because that's what you do as a parent (and grandparent).

I dont think having your grandchildren one or two times a week is evidence of being obsessed though.

Germanshepherdsmum

Saying something such as Peasblossom suggested isn’t abuse. You’re much younger than us Bibbity and I believe you said recently that your eldest is 7. You’re used to having young children around. In a couple of decades or more when you’ve no longer got young children, have retired and are relishing having some peace and quiet at last I suspect you will have a rather different viewpoint unless you turn into a woman obsessed with her grandchildren, in which case see how MrB feels about it . You will also realise that divorce is difficult when you’ve just got your pension and if you’re lucky some savings and a half share in the matrimonial home.

Why do people keep saying that Op is obsessed with her grandchildren?

She is involved but obsessed seems quite an exaggerated stretch.

I disagree. I don't see me becoming an abusive horror when I am retired. My parents certainly haven't. Can they cope all day every day. No.

One day. Absolutely and if they couldn't they would do the decent thing and distance themselves.
This man has more red flags than a train station.

And if the OP wants a divorce who are any of you to minimise that?

Bibbity

Forsythia

Sometimes men who feel their wives value their grandchildren more than them find a willing lady who is interested in them and only them. My relative found this with her DH. Not what she intended at all.

Her husband was a POS that is why he cheated.

Not any of that was her fault.

Thanks for your insight on a situation you know nothing about Bibbity. Nobody was excusing him or saying it was her fault thank you! Just mentioning that this was the result of a woman who allowed the grandchildren to take her life over so her DH felt pushed out. My sister did this and now regrets how things turned out. Sadly she can’t turn the clock back.

Saying something such as Peasblossom suggested isn’t abuse. You’re much younger than us Bibbity and I believe you said recently that your eldest is 7. You’re used to having young children around. In a couple of decades or more when you’ve no longer got young children, have retired and are relishing having some peace and quiet at last I suspect you will have a rather different viewpoint unless you turn into a woman obsessed with her grandchildren, in which case see how MrB feels about it . You will also realise that divorce is difficult when you’ve just got your pension and if you’re lucky some savings and a half share in the matrimonial home.

Oh,I’m just arguing fir the sake of it now because your stance is so extreme that it’s just silly.

So, I’m f knowing that he finds it difficult and that the telling off might happen, the OP insists that he gives in to her demands and spends time with them, making threats if he does not, who is the initiator of and responsible for the “abuse”?

He only talks to them to tell them off

Yea abusive.

“Don’t jump on the sofa”

Abuse, abuse?

Yes I do hope the Op leaves if she is unhappy. He doesn't have to like the children. But for one day a week he can occupy himself without abusing two tiny children.

Galaxy

It's nothing to do with the children for me. I would say the same if she was working from home and he couldnt cope with lack of attention.

Well, yes. But would she be insisting that he did work jobs for her and then threaten to leave because he didn’t do them very well?

It’s not just about him wanting her attention. Her main complaint was that he isn’t getting as involved as she is. He’s not enjoying it with her. And when she makes him he does it badly and shows he’s not enjoying it.

I expect he’s “suffering” too from having to live with someone who’s clearly so dissatisfied with him.

I sometimes put myself before DH and I would expect him to sometimes put himself before me. Anything else is unrealistic.

FFS Bibbity, encouraging divorce because this retired man would rather like a bit of peace and quiet in his own home and in all probability has a wife who puts herself and her grandchildren before him? Poor old sod.

It's nothing to do with the children for me. I would say the same if she was working from home and he couldnt cope with lack of attention.

And he’ll be free to find someone who loves him. Win, win.

I agree Peasblossom. Unfortunately some posters can’t understand that some people are not interested in young children and find them annoying. It’s not a crime.

Because he is making the house tense. He is then getting upset because the OP is not showing him enough attention for ONE day.

So overall it's not a large stretch to see that this man is a very unpleasant individual. And I do hope the OP researches what she is entitled to. As she will be able to claim half including his pension.

Well that’s a bit of a contradiction isn’t it?

“He doesn’t want anything to do with them”

So where’s the tension coming from? The OP showing how dissatisfied she is with him? Insisting he does take part and then getting cross because he doesn’t do it “properly “?

*When it is at my house , the atmosphere is very tense , my husband isn’t interested in the grandchildren at all
He only talks to them to tell them off*

Really not that hard to see what type of man OP is having to suffer living with.

What’s he done that’s abusive? That’s a term bandied around far to much when people don’t like being disagreed with?

He doesn’t want to play with them. Wouldn’t it be abusive to insist that he must or she’ll leave.
He hasn’t said they can’t come round. He has said he doesn’t enjoy it. Wouldn’t it be abusive to deny him the right to say what he feels?

He cant make himself enjoy the company of young children. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t, If the OP insists he does it anyway and he makes a poor job of it by telling them off, who’s was responsible for that?

Save accusations of abuse for when it actually is abuse or the term becomes so diluted that it loses its impact.

Forsythia

Sometimes men who feel their wives value their grandchildren more than them find a willing lady who is interested in them and only them. My relative found this with her DH. Not what she intended at all.

Her husband was a POS that is why he cheated.

Not any of that was her fault.

She had a very lucky escape. Most women nowadays dont want to be performing seals for their husbands.

Sometimes men who feel their wives value their grandchildren more than them find a willing lady who is interested in them and only them. My relative found this with her DH. Not what she intended at all.

You do not need to look through the viewpoint of people who are showing abusive tendencies.

Well, it never hurts to stand on the other side of the tracks and see what the view is from there.

If he’s feeling unloved and irrelevant. That now that the OPs got her grandchildren, she really doesn’t care whether he’s around or not, then he’s absolutely correct in feeling that, isn’t he?

I mean she’s said she’s thinking of leaving him because he’s not measuring up to her idea of what a grandad should be. That’s pretty much the bottom line. Join me in being a grandparent or get out of my life.

One (actually it’s two) days of childcare does seem much, I agree) but perhaps it’s the underlying truth of you don’t matter any more that’s really upsetting him.