Stepping back from in-laws who show favouritism

Kalu - then mil shouldn’t be calling
My house and throwing tantrums every time we see my family.

She should just let us be. Focus on her life and let us focus on ours.

Yet somehow twice a month we get angry phone calls because she feels treated unfairly

We too feel the same way.

Oh, for goodness sake, give your MiL a break. You should understand that she has much more to worry about if her DD is struggling, afraid to be alone with her baby than your unbending rules. She obviously visits the city near to you to care for her daughter and her other GC.

You know ,its much better to ignore the bad things and be the better person .My late FIL used to walk out of the room when I walked in,it started before I married their son and lasted for several years .I had't done him any harm I had just been raised in " the wrong religion" that was almost criminal in the West of Scotland back then
I treated him as I would have if he'd stayed IN the room .gave him gifts made his birthday cakes and made sure he got to spend time with our children when they arrived ,I even called my son after FIL's dad as was the tradition in the family .
We muddled along for decades and he was a good man a good father and great with our kids ,it was just me he had an issue with .A couple of years before he died he had a serious operation and was confined to a wheelchair
.I took him for a walk and he said something I never thought he would.He told me that "he couldn't have asked for a better wife for his son or mother for his GC" I cried .I'm crying now as I type it.
Just put the problems aside and let your "good people " be part of your lives .Life really is too short to hold grudges or make it tougher than it is.
I hope can make peace with them for all your sakes

To delila yes we have explained the boundaries.

Fil is pissed that we would treat his daughter like this and recently refused to acknowledge my birthday.

That is his choice. And it is also mine to respond accordingly. Anyone who is not respectful of boundaries and the parents doesn’t get to see us

And to mercuryqueen YES. This is it. When I see my kids or husband mistreated it makes me beyond upset. If it were up to me alone, we wouldn’t be seeing them. But since it’s about compromise I think averaging once a month is fine.

Why would I want my kids to see their father being treated differently?

I’ve clarified in a subsequent comment that my family gets the same. We aren’t the type to drop the kids off to my family or his. My family doesn’t mind as they like to see all of us. His family throws fits and demands time alone with the kids.

When we ask for babysitting it’s when it’s needed. My family will come to my house and watch them here (where their toys and beds are) and they will sleep here / stay til we get home.

His parents want us to drop the kids off 4 hours away at their place.

If they were willing to come here and watch them they would be welcome. And they are in our city often as they stay with sil who is afraid to be alone with her baby.

Have you explained the “new boundary” to your inlaws or are you waiting for them to trip over it?

This all seems a bit spiteful. They sound rather thoughtless, but you seem to have put a lot of thought into escalating the situation.

annoyedmom1

I don’t allow babysitting or sleepovers. We have a new boundary that sil is not allowed to be present when we have mil and fil over for a visit. She used to tag along all the time. She was expecting us to spend a lot of time together because our kids are close in age but we have shut that down.

I’m open to the in-laws babysitting when necessary but not for “fun” if that makes sense. If there’s a time we could use help I’ll expect them to babysit in my home without sil present. They will push back and insist on their home and then we will end up using my family who respect our wishes and babysit in our home.

I was with you until this post....this type of talk makes you a 'user ' .....don't use your in laws at all for babysitting if this is your attitude ..... but to say I will use them on a needs must....but not for fun....is frankly nasty

Hmmm. Not sure I fully agree, Chewbacca

I can't speak for anyone else, but the fastest way to incur my anger is to mistreat my DH or kids. Mistreat me, and I don't react half as much as if someone is treating them badly. So, I would say that her in-laws favouring their daughter definitely does impact OP and is her business.

It's not the money. It's what it represents. A tangible symptom of a larger problem that can't be denied.

I do wonder why MIL is seemingly jealous of the time spent with the other grandparents. Surely she can't be completely unaware of her own behaviour.

Holding resentment doesn’t help anyone I couldn't agree more MercuryQueen, annoyedmom1's in laws clearly favour their own daughter over their son's family. But her in laws can give their money to whoever they choose; for all she knows they may well leave a larger inheritance to their son to balance out the £500,000 they've given their daughter - who knows; but its really none of her business anyway, it concerns her husband, not her. As for the babysitting situation; it all seems to be a childish tit for tat game and the children are being used as weapons to punish the in laws. annoyedmum1's husband should be the one to have a proper adult conversation with his parents and try to bring about the new dynamic in an adult way. They're possibly not even aware of the festering resentment and jealousy their DIL has for them.

Chewbacca

^we spend much more time with my family - this has increased in response to the favouritism^ shown by pil to sil.

And

every time I see them favour sil, I just end up picking someone from my family or friends to do it.

This is just old fashioned jealousy! Nothing really to do with the in laws behaving in an unacceptable or unreasonable way; you're just jealous of your sister in law; the money they've given to her and the time they spend with her. MercuryQueen is right: It's time to change the situation.

But realistically speaking, what is OP to do? PIL favour their daughter and seemingly by extension, her dc.

What can be done in the face of that, other than choosing not to be around it/limiting exposure to it? OP says they visit PIL once a month, so they’re not NC.

I don’t see how more visits would improve the situation. I do find it ironic that MIL expresses jealousy of time spent with OP’s extended family, however.

Either they talk it out and create a new dynamic or accept this is what it is and let go of the negativity. Holding resentment doesn’t help anyone

we spend much more time with my family - this has increased in response to the favouritism shown by pil to sil.

And

every time I see them favour sil, I just end up picking someone from my family or friends to do it.

This is just old fashioned jealousy! Nothing really to do with the in laws behaving in an unacceptable or unreasonable way; you're just jealous of your sister in law; the money they've given to her and the time they spend with her. MercuryQueen is right: It's time to change the situation.

Elizabeth27

I realise it is unfortunate for your family but they are allowed to have a favourite and treat them differently if they want to.

And turnabout is fair play.

When it comes to favouritism, my concern is that it typically spills over unto the next generation. SIL is favoured, so will her children be, generally speaking. Kids notice that, sooner or later, and internalize it as a rejection of themselves.

For that reason, I would be very cautious and aware of the situation, and how it impacts the gc.

Adults can choose to tolerate what they will, but when kids get hurt, it's time to change the situation.

I agree with you Elizabeth. They can pick their favourite and it is unfortunate for us.

I think my issue is mil stomps her feet and huffs and puffs when she sees we’ve picked our favourites too - we spend much more time with my family - this has increased in response to the favouritism shown by pil to sil.

As for the babysitting, I actually never use my in-laws for babysitting. (I have my own favourites I choose from). My sitters watch the kids at my house - I’m open to allowing the in-laws to watch them but every time I see them favour sil, I just end up picking someone from my family or friends to do it.

I realise it is unfortunate for your family but they are allowed to have a favourite and treat them differently if they want to.

NOT the same thing...

Yeah, think you're being a bit over-sensitive here, you say they value your S-i-L more than your DH but it reads as though they help your SiL more than your DH.That's not the same thing. Would he accept being supported by your MiL?Wouldn't he feel good that he's independent & not worrying them? Your SiL has to accept that & its one of those threads where if you don't know the background you can't really judge, but would you really want to swap places with her?

To coin a phrase, op, "lower your expecations".

on average of once a month visiting

Once a month visiting seems very reasonable. It is some of the reasons given and the "rules" when being done a big favour that don't seem very reasonable

Chewbacca

^I don’t allow babysitting or sleepovers^

Does your husband have any say in what happens to your children? Between his parents and you dictating what happens to the children, I'm not surprised he doesn't want to rock the boat! Poor chap's between a rock and a hard place!

I’m open to the in-laws babysitting when necessary but not for “fun” if that makes sense.

So you resent your in laws having the level of interaction that they do with their other grandchildren, but you're happy to use them for babysitting your children when it's convenient to you - just so long as they don't have any fun whilst doing it?

If there’s a time we could use help I’ll expect them to babysit in my home

I hope they tell you where to get off! If they babysit for you, they're doing you a favour (unless you're paying them the going rate).

I agree with all of the above. You appear to want everything exactly as you want it with no lee way at all.

And I do not understand why the "favouritism" is relevant really. The Grandparents would like to be involved with you as a family, they would like to babysit, it is not as if they are ignoring you all! Is it the money that is the key issue? 500k is a large amount of money but it is their money and SIL appears to be in a very much more needy position.

We have a new boundary that sil is not allowed to be present when we have mil and fil over for a visit. She used to tag along all the time. She was expecting us to spend a lot of time together because our kids are close in age but we have shut that down

Also why are you wanting to stop the cousins from mixing? I can't see why that is necessary from the information you have provided.

annoyedmom1 - an average of once a month is quite reasonable. I’m lucky my 3 children live within a range of 5 miles from me. Despite that, I don’t see them that often. All have jobs and their weekends are taken up with family activities. So, I probably see each family about once a month. That suits us. I see my daughter a bit more, because she is divorced. But that may not continue, because she has a ‘friend’ and I’m pleased for her.

I’m not saying we are cutting anyone off….how is on average of once a month visiting a cut off?

Some people only see their GK once a year. Or once every 10 years.

Ah, and there you have it (your post of 17.59) it IS all about money! How sad.

Your in-laws once had a child and that child is your husband, just imagine how you would feel if your child’s partner treated you like you are treating them. No matter how perfect a mum you think you are or will be you never know how your children will turn out and like many of us mums you will make mistakes, Don’t let cutting off your children from their grandparents be one of them .

I completely agree that it is their right to spend their money how they please.

I’ll give another example: at our wedding they demanded their extended family be invited (people my husband hasnt seen in years) and then made us foot the bill.

If this was sil, they would pay it.

They expect us to vacation with them and pay our way. For sil, they foot the bill.

We keep silent.

But when we spend time with my family, Mil huffs and puffs, throws a tantrum and calls my husband crying. Just as we stay silent in the face of favouritism, so should she.

We are free to spend our time with whom we please and we happen to live close to my parents. In-laws chose to move 4 hours away and expect us to pay our way to visit. Sorry, but our money is better used for the mortgage and education savings for our kids.

£500k!!! oh dear a bit of green eye I think. I note you haven't noticed any favouritism between your children and the SIL's child, why are you keeping cousins apart. I guess your husband and his siblings are all loved but one of them needs more care, that's life. Does it all come down to money?