still not the mom he was expecting

I just wanted to say thank you for the update and what a mature and emotionally intelligent response from you to your son. I know it is hard to admit to our failings but the way you have acknowledged what he has said and validated your son’s feelings is so important in building on the relationship. None of us are perfect. The daycare sounds like a lower-stress option for everyone and I hope it works out, and wish you all the best.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds overwhelming. I don’t think you should take on board the job of justifying yourself to your critical son at this point. He does not sound like he is going to be able to be generous or open minded about things and the situation with your husband and older son sounds incredibly draining.

Update**

If saying things came to a head doesn't sound good, then you're right. However, it didn't happen for the reasons I would have thought.
A bit more background. Our oldest son lives at home. He is on the autism spectrum, but is employed full time in a trade. He also has depression which we have strongly encouraged him to seek treatment for, but he hasn't. Most of the time he is doing well, but was in a a very dark spot last week, considering suicide.
On top of that husband had surgery 10 days ago and I have had to be available to him. There was a potentially serious medical issue last week and being a retired nurse he turned to me for assistance. Oldest son was home and heard a commotion but thought I had it handled so didn't offer to help or call out. Afterwards he asked what happened, I explained and he feels guilty for not helping. The guilt made the depression much worse, but he was feeling much better after he and his father talked for a long time.
Fast forward to Thursday evening this week. Son #3 lives out of town and knows about Son #1's suicide consideration. Asks Son #2 just to check in with him, to see how he's doing. Son #1 tells him the whole thing about the medical incident, the suicide thoughts, the long talk with their dad, and some stuff that he thinks he heard me say about watching the grandson. All of which painted husband and I in a bad light.
All of that triggered Son#2 (father of grandson). He calls up to talk with us about these things and husband and I have no idea what he's talking about. As we try to add context he calls them all excuses and tells us he doesn't feel safe leaving grandson with us.
It comes down to 3 things.
1) I don't respect his boundaries and never have.
2) Too much of his childhood was husband yelling at the kids as a means of parenting and discipline, and I did little to nothing to protect them. Most of what he is talking about, in truth, was while I was working full time while husband was laid off.
3) He came to me as a child saying he was having a lot of trouble learning to read and said I dismissed his concerns. I thought I was being reassuring that children learn to read at different rates, but he was also later diagnosed with dyslexia. He's concerned that I'll ignore grandson when he really needs me also.

At this point, grandson is enrolled in an educational daycare and I think they should plan to have him continue there as it has advantages and a regular routine.
Son doesn't trust us not to repeat the yelling and lack of protection.
I wrote all the kids a 3 page letter explaining generational trauma just so they understand for their own lives how we may have gotten to this point. There are no excuses for what they see as bad parenting, but we all could use some compassion and empathy. Just because we are all adults doesn't mean there isn't still a young child inside of us with unmet needs and long time scars.

Help please.

It’s been so scary to care for my GC.
I messed up as a mother as I had serious mental health issues. I was a good enough mother as they’re all grown up and are being responsible citizens.
My son needed me to help out one weekend a month for an only child 7 yo GC. Well, to start with my GC is very creative and extremely self-willed. If things don’t go their way they’ll sulk and NOTHING can get them to stop until they are ready.
When I set a limit they’ll deliberately step over while grinning at me. I’m not allowed to discipline them in any way so, I’m bested by a 7 yo. When their dad calls to see how things are going theyll grab my phone and go to their room with it and it’s a tussle to get it back. They lie to me and about me to their parents. When my son came home that lunch time he shouted at me and reminded me of what a terrible mother I was and asked why, now that I’m older, I can’t be creative and do things with the child. I try explaining but I’m not heard. The child will smirk at me from their dad’s leg and I ended up in tears saying I just didn’t know what to do any more and that perhaps I’m not the right person to care for the child. I love this child but I’m totally at a loss at what to do now.
I probably sound stupid and dense.
A little background: I was severely abused throughout my life.
May you sensible grounded women help please. Thank you

I can assure you BeverleyRose that you sound neither stupid nor dense, but you do sound as if you're being treated appallingly by your son and your GC.

How dare your son shout at you. If he doesn't think you're suitable to be looking after your GC then why has he asked you too?

I understand that you love your GC and your son but this isn't working for you or them so perhaps you should seriously consider putting a stop to it.

Looking after GC on a regular basis is bound to present some challenging moments but this sounds as if there's little pleasure in it for you.

Take care of yourself and if that means no longer providing free childcare for your ungrateful son and out of control GC, so be it .

Hello Beverley. It might be better to start a new post where you are more likely to get lots of helpful suggestions.

I had a similar situation with a gc and after one particularly difficult day decided I had to stop. When it’s not a pleasure but a worry or a dread you need to have a think. It is upsetting though, and yes I got the defiant smirk, one time too many.

Wishing you well.

I’ve had this too. It’s been so scary to care for my GC.
I messed up as a mother as I had serious mental health issues. I was a good enough mother as they’re all grown up and are being responsible citizens.
My son needed me to help out one weekend a month for an only child 7 yo GC. Well, to start with my GC is very creative and extremely self-willed. If things don’t go their way they’ll sulk and NOTHING can get them to stop until they are ready.
When I set a limit they’ll deliberately step over while grinning at me. I’m not allowed to discipline them in any way so, I’m bested by a 7 yo. When their dad calls to see how things are going theyll grab my phone and go to their room with it and it’s a tussle to get it back. They lie to me and about me to their parents. When my son came home that lunch time he shouted at me and reminded me of what a terrible mother I was and asked why, now that I’m older, I can’t be creative and do things with the child. I try explaining but I’m not heard. The child will smirk at me from their dad’s leg and I ended up in tears saying I just didn’t know what to do any more and that perhaps I’m not the right person to care for the child. I love this child but I’m totally at a loss at what to do now.
I probably sound stupid and dense.
A little background: I was severely abused throughout my life.
May you sensible grounded women help please. Thank you

Even in a professional childcare setting the parents have to accept some compromises as to what the carers are able or willing to do, especially as there would most likely be other children whose needs and parents' wishes are equally important.

One area I would strongly recommend you consider mothercat is food: you will find it a lot easier if your grandson brings his own food with him, and it will be something your son and daughter-in-law can have control over without any pressure on you.
My minded children have always brought their own food.

My DD makes comments about what she used to do on certain days of the week with DGS. But I don't follow that pattern. I'm more led by the weather. If it's a warm, sunny day, we go to the park. If it's freezing / raining etc I might take him to soft play. I do try to make sure we go out of the house most afternoons, unless I have too much work on.

Just say ‘my way or the high way’ . Take it or leave it.
You would be on tender hooks the whole time, answering to their demands.
I agree with Oldbat - it’s a big committment.

Mothercat, please remember you are doing your son and DIL a massive favour , I suspect they need reminding if that. Two days a week is a huge commitment and will most definitely impinge on your life. Your son should trust you enough to take good care of your GC what you do with him during your childcare days is your choice not his! If they don’t like it they can always pay high nursery fees!! Their choice. This may sound harsh but I have seen a few threads on this subject and it makes my blood boil!!! I have done one long day each week for many years for my two daughters, they both trusted me implicitly to provide a safe environment for my GC. I choose activities that I know are safe for me and my GC. I would have been very upset if my daughters dictated what I should or should not do. Obviously I would follow sensible requests like not giving them squash / juice if that is what they asked of me - but on the whole I decided what happened during the day. The children loved coming and my daughters were quite simply grateful that I had them. Please don’t take on more than you can manage! Some parents seem so ‘ precious ‘ these days! You have done your bit as a parent so taking care of GC is a favour to your DS it is not his right. If you are concerned in any way do speak to him and I hope it all works out well.

welbeck

you were unwell; they should have swooped in to look after you, do the cooking, cleaning etc at xmas.
why do you put up with being put down.
i'd have said, what did your last slave die of ?

Overwork and underpaid

you were unwell; they should have swooped in to look after you, do the cooking, cleaning etc at xmas.
why do you put up with being put down.
i'd have said, what did your last slave die of ?

mothercat

I'd hope for now this is all stress he is taking out on you unfairly, is he normally this picky?

It's not your fault you were poorly and couldn't host a perfect Christmas, really they should have stayed at home or found another way to accommodate their other plans with friends

This is your home, as long as you follow their parenting rules, nap schedules, bed times and meal times so that the little one isn't stressed by inconsistency I don't think it should matter whether you are in the garden or out for a walk the rest of the time

This is a huge favour for them but also a wonderful time for you, hope you get to enjoy it

One further note - I don’t think this is about how much time you spend grand parenting - it’s fundamentally about resolving this relationship with your son

I agree with MOnica and others who are concerned about this relationship. No other person should be criticising how you spend your time or trying to control what you do. It would be good if you could find some space and time to talk to your son. It sounds like you are scared to do so - but it is only by talking that you can resolve this problem. It takes two to make a relationship and maybe there are things that he finds difficult as well. Avoidance won’t help especially as he is going to be living nearer and if you are to have a closer relationship with your grandson.

Well it would be a definite no from me! I think the son is expecting far far too much. I wouldn’t want to be in such a commitment but our grandchildren live 400miles away anyway so t wouldn’t occur. Our friends committed to look after their grandchildren 5 days a week for their daughter’s children and also their son’s children. They have no life quite honestly. They can’t book a holiday without clearing it with them nor go out for a day trip. Just be very very careful. It is one thing to help out but when it becomes a full time job that is another matter.

they have to trust you with your gs.

I agree Allsorts, they should. And the plans sound great!

The trouble is mothercats son doesn't seem to , in fact he appears to think she is there to serve his needs! On that basis I think emailing an out line of plans in advance is a way of clarifying anything that might cause problems, identifying whether the arrangement is actually going to work and therefore the OP being able to make a decision on whether she wants to go ahead.

Lets hope it can be worked out to everyone's satisfaction.

Yes I agree tickingbird, I haven't had this problem but if anything goes anywhere near it I laugh and say I managed to drag them up somehow! You are helping your son out a lot mothercat, lets hope the relationship is a little smoother after the worry of the move is over.

These types of familial relationships baffle me. I just wouldn’t put up with it. I love my sons, they love me. One in particular can be difficult and demanding; always has been but, my goodness, dictating what I can and can’t do? Criticising me for spending too much time in my garden? Sorry he’d be put right pretty sharpish.

To put it bluntly, your son is behaving like a prat and seems extremely entitled. He can be what he likes but you don't have to deliver what he says he wants; remind yourself you are the ones doing him a favour, a very big one.

Your son seems to have lost sight of just how much of a favour you're doing him. If he feels it necessary to dictate precisely what your GS, and its carer, will be doing every minute of the day, (and he has every right to do that) he should pay for professional paid child minders who will be obliged to fulfil his every command. He sounds like an arse.

Given what you have said about your son’s attitude and lack of respect towards you, this has the potential to be very tricky.

I fully understand that you love the opportunity to spend time with your little grandson, but you must not let your son get away with enforcing unreasonable demands on how you spend your time with the little one.

Yes of course they are entitled to express their wishes about, for instance what he eats, how much if any tv they would want him to watch, but other than that they should be well aware that you are doing them a massive favour, and some gratitude wouldn’t go amiss, would it?

Another thing, there should be a contingency plan in place in case you are unwell. You shouldn’t be put in a situation where you feel obliged to have your grandson if that happened.

Your rough plans for how the days might pan out sound wonderful to me.
The little boy could learn so much from you pottering in your garden and may develop a love of gardening himself which he will always attribute to you when he grows up.

I hope it all works out well!
Just don’t allow your son to be rude or disrespectful.

You know how to look after your grandchild, if it isn’t up to his expectations perhaps they should get paid child care. However, I’m sure it will work out very well, you seem to have lots planned, they have to trust you with your gs. I wouldn’t be sending any e mails giving him details of your plans or take his rudeness, you know what you’re doing. Have faith in yourself, you seem nervous of your son, if he had moaned about me at Christmas for being unwell, I would have retorted I didn’t plan it, it wasn’t a picnic for me. He is probably stressed with the move but he needs to calm down it’s not your fault.

To put it bluntly, your son is behaving like a prat and seems extremely entitled. He can be what he likes but you don't have to deliver what he says he wants; remind yourself you are the ones doing him a favour, a very big one.

I am afraid I agree with this! I do think you need to think very very carefully about what you are able to do, what your plans are etc ...and as Oopsadaisy says ...email them in advance, saying that you are looking forward to it and how you plan to organise things!

I'm now concerned that I will be in for a lot of criticism for how I care for his son

You need to prepare in advance for this scenario!! Sticking to their rules on key things is very important but that does not mean having no autonomy atall during the time you are providing child care for them (saving them pots of money!!)

You are parents and grandparents not their servants, they need to show you some love, respect & appreciation!

Remember that!!! And EXPECT it too!

But ofcourse your next worry will be not seeing your grandchildren if things don't work out or if you don't "fit" their expectations! Only you can decide what your red line is over which you wont cross!

Good luck

You need to agree on what they want and what you want / can manage before you start. There will inevitably be compromises to make on both sides until you can find a happy medium that works for you all including your grandchild, but don't walk on eggshells to please your son, you are doing them a huge favour & your life is not theirs to dictate! You are parents and grandparents not their servants, they need to show you some love, respect & appreciation!

I used to love being looked after by my granny and grandad, they both gardened, baked, painted, sewed, knitted etc .We went for walks or went swimming, had picnics together it was wonderful. I either pottered around with them joining in where I could or found something else to do. Happy days!