Is this a good or a really bad idea?

Not a sad view, the facts of granmothers, as displayed on GN

Not ALL grandmothers either in real life OR on Gransnet! Grandmother's are not an amorphous mass of clones!!

I do not think it is a question of wider family being excluded, but a lot of Grandmothers thinking they should be included like a third parent. Lovely to see family and let them enjoy baby, but as we so often read on GN, some grandmothers seem to think they have all kinds of rights to be with the child lookafter the child and eternally tell the parents what the 'best' thing to do is.

For the life of me I cannot fathom why family are not invited to welcome the little one. That being said, this is the first in a long line of possible different points of view to wade your way through, the joy of families do not come without cost

I agree with M0nica

My dh was sad I said no to his mother coming to help for months

I asked him this question - so she thinks we are perfectly capable of working, being parents of anotherchild, having friendships, etc, but when there is a baby involved, we suddenly are clueless and cannot survive without her?

He agreed it makes no sense but she wanted to help, it wasn't about us, it was about what she needed.

Madgran77 I am thinking of those early months with a first baby, when I really think that parents are really best left to cope on their own, with visits now and again and no more. I am assuming the baby is in good health and flourishing.

By the time No 2 comes along, you are grateful for all the help you can get and have the confidenceto deal with a Grandmother who always knows best.

Not a sad view, the facts of granmothers, as displayed on GN.

They'll cope just fine ,its what new parents have always done .Most newborns just feed and sleep anyway .I went back to work with my 8 day old daughter in her pram beside my desk ,it was fine.In fact i think a lot of folk would be better off back at work early than being bored or getting depressed stuck at home .
I didn't find small babies hard work ,teenagers thats a whole different thing ,all help willingly accepted once puberty arrives !

It is amazing just how well we managed without having grandparents constantly getting in the way and always knowing best

What a sad view of grandparents involvement!

Plenty of us didn't have parents around to help when our children were born. In fact when I had my children, on a new estate where a new baby seemed to be born every month, most of us did not have parents who lived anywhere convenient.

It is amazing just how well we managed without having grandparents constantly getting in the way and always knowing best.

Your son and DiL will probably mange fin and if they do not they are better off struggling to sort out their own problems than having parents rushing around them.

Thanks everyone for the very consistent advice which is much appreciated. We are going to get them a voucher for COOK? which I asked my son about and he was super excited about!
Other that we will fly over for a very short visit (a weekend basically) about a month after the birth, and of course we will stay in a hotel so we will probably only see them for a short visit each day.

There is some really good advice on here; I agree that you should back off and respect their decision. Offering a post natal nurse implies that you don't think they can manage and if I was the new mum I would be very offended. I would send a lovely card and say that when they are ready for you to visit (yes, stay in a hotel!) you will buy the baby a gift of their choice, in the meantime you can keep in touch via Face time, Whatsapp etc but don't overdo that either! Just give them space, they will appreciate you all the more if you do.

Definitely do not hire a nurse to help them, there are much more helpful things you could do as others here have suggested. Lots of new parents cope with a new baby without support, years ago paternity leave was not an option so mums just had to get on with it!

With my first, my husband came to collect me from hospital, took me home then had to leave me to go back to work for a meeting! Even with baby number 3 I was left on my own after a week as he went off to Germany on a training course - I coped without any family support with a new born baby, a 13 month old toddler and a very lively three year old. The only help I had was a friend who took my eldest to play group three times a week and a freezer full of food I’d made earlier!

My mum lived near me, when I had my babies, and did help me.
A professional nurse or helper, tho, I would definitely not have wanted.

I wish people would read the thread before replying, then they would see that the OP has already taken on board the advice given.

My daughter had a caesarian, so we were invited to see her in hospital on day 2, before she went home. Then her husband took paternity leave, so we did not visit again until he had gone back to work. They were very organised, so did not need much practical help, but she was glad of a bit of company for short times.

I'd be careful of sending anything much to do with meals as it may be taken that you think they are inept and incapable of planning a meal. Really! We don't know what kind of diet they are eating (high protien, low carb or others!)

Probably best to stick to teddy, baby stuff, flowers and or a balloon to welcome the new baby. How can anyone get offended about those? I would play safe, give a nice gift, keep busy and wait to be asked for a visit.

These days, new parents will probably google something rather than ask a parent. I'm just saying, our kids need us less and less because they can order anything online and talk to anyone online. The internet has changed everything, for good and for bad.

I would say when you're thinking of visiting, ask if that's OK with them and say if they want you to come over before then, you'd be happy to do so.

I think they should be left to gel as a family. It may not be entirely as they had imagined at first but in the same way that you have to learn everything else they also have to learn how to look after their baby. If someone else is there to pick the child up and settle them when they cry the parents won't learn what works and that can be very disempowering to them. Also "coping" and "managing" looks different to everyone. If the parents and child are happy and healthy but there's washing to be done and a few dishes to wash - well, the dishes etc will wait.

The only time when providing this sort of help would be useful is if she has to have a Caesarean. Even then, it is up to the parents to decide.

well that was rather intrusive, after you had specifically been asked not to visit in the first few days.
it is irrelevant that you were in the hosp already; i can see why they felt annoyed.

MayBeMaw

If they have been doing NCT or Hypno-birthing classes I wouldn’t worry about not knowing what they are facing. These groups always foster strong friendships and support groups among (especially) first time parents.
They may already have a doula booked (I think this is the trendier version of a post-natal nurse) as they are very popular. You could make discreet enquiries and offer.
I also think a generous voucher for Cook! frozen ready meals which can be cooked from frozen might be appreciated. I have done this twice and D raves about their Lobster Macaroni Cheese!

Interesting mention of NCT. My son and his wife attended NCT classes prior to the birth of their first child and he phoned me up before the birth with a list of things which included when I would be allowed to visit them, which was not for several days after the baby was born. We were actually at the hospital the day after she was born visiting a sick relative ( we were genuinely there, it was pure coincidence that we were at the same hospital) so asked to see the baby very briefly and it was grudgingly allowed. I took a quick photo and left. I felt very left out/hurt, especially as my DIL’s family were actually allowed a proper visit.

UberEats gift cards (or whatever the local meal delivery service is) would’ve been very very welcome!

My mil tried to pressure us into a baby nurse (she also pushed extremely hard to stay with us to “help”). We were clear on what we wanted and declined.

That was two years ago. It was challenging, as having a newborn is for anyone, but it was nothing we couldn’t or didn’t want to handle ourselves.

I know you mean well, but they are grown adults. Give them some credit. Allow them to struggle and figure things out for themselves if it’s what they have chosen to do. Can you imagine how it feels to know your mother (or mother in law) doesn’t think you’re capable of caring for your own child?

Don't do anything at all - including sending food unless they ask

Meal prepping is what is very much known before having a baby - as they are so independent, they have it covered.
If not, wait to be asked or they can manage

It is great to want to help - don't let this need of helping become an imposition to others

One of the many advantages of living in London is the availability of good quality food which can be delivered and easily, so don't worry too much about how they will cope with food. As others have said, go with the flow, book yourself an AirBnB for sometime just after the baby is due, go to the theatre, go to the parks, enjoy the city, and then go and visit your new grandchild when they are happy for you to do so. Enjoy your trip, and your new grandchild.

Fleur20

Be wary of too much 'food for the freezer' type gifts.. if they are organised the freezer will be stocked to the hilt already.... maybe VOUCHERS for delivery food... so they can indulge as and when they wish... easy to do online for you and them..

That was why I suggested Cook! Vouchers- and they don’t need to be cashed in all at once.
#beentheredonethat

The road to hell is paved with good intentions so please don’t do this. Do let them know that should they need you then you will be there but it is entirely up to them. Leave them in the driving seat.