Is this a good or a really bad idea?

Christ don’t do this. And how patronising to suggest they ‘don’t know what they’re facing’. It’s a baby. it’s 2 vs 1, they will cope just fine. I’ve had 3 in the last five years, 1 at the start of lockdown so no visitors let alone help (it was lovely ?). No need for help with any of them (other than babysitting siblings whilst I was in labour). My mother was very disappointed when I wasn’t calling for help with any of them as apparently I’m ‘too independent’. Don’t be that parent. Be proud that you raised a son who is a capable adult.

Just leave them alone. If they need your help in any way I'm sure they will ask for it.

A post natal nurse ! Please don’t do that. Your DS and DIL will manage fine without help. In your position I would let them know you look forward to meeting your GC when the time is right for them. That may be sooner or later depending on the circumstances . Please go with the flow , keep a low profile and they will know you are there if they do need you. Keep in touch with them , send a gift - flowers would be a lovely gesture . Congratulations !

If you want an honest answer to your question, I would say yes, it would be massive interference on your part. If your son has already asked you NOT to travel to London to offer help in the early days, you should take him at his word! Even if you're right, (and you may not be because not everyone's experience is the same) and they discover they do indeed need help, then you can offer your help.

If my mother in law (or mum) had arranged a nurse for the birth of any of my children, with or without telling me, I'm not sure if I would have ever wanted to speak to her again! My advice is to let them live their life their way, making their own choices about what is right for them.

Madeleine45
Lovely to read about your interesting new baby celebratory ideas.
Thank you. ?

I agree with others that I think the parents wishes are what matters most, just be available if things change or their wishes alter. A couple of things I have done to show interest and pleasure at this new babies arrival are these. The day the baby arrives go out and buy 2 local papers and 2 main newspapers.. Then I take one of each and seal them up carefully and put them away, and look after them and then when the child reaches 18 , they can provide a little fun and quite a lot of interest at a party. In 18 years time it is not the headlines that are so interesting but often pictures and adverts for shops long gone, or what people wore which of course was unremarquable at the time , but get people remembering the fashion , and what they used to wear at the time. Landmarks that may have gone , and if the guests live in that locality now , they are keen to see what it used to look like. So I knew someone whose baby was born on the day the first man reached the moon. Then give the parents one of each when you get to see your grandchild, and say you got them especially to remember the day. Then I probably have grow a small woods worth of trees. The woodland trust plant trees in various places in the country. You dont have plaques and things but they will give you a map reference . So I have got trees for all types of family occasions, good and bad and our family have over the years been able to have a few walks together to see "our" trees. So the birth of your grandchild is marked in an ecological way and maybe in years to come you will be able to visit "their" tree with them. Overall I have celebrated my parents ruby , and then golden wedding, weddings of special friends, the sad death of my sons baby at 3 days and the meeting for the first time of a cousin from a long way away. My view is that as a family we have taken from the world during our lives and the tree planting marks out our life events and at the same time gives a bit back to the world. Even if at the time the parents dont appear to be particulary pleased , it does show your thoughts and care for your new grandchild, without forcing any action or directing of the parents and hopefully they will come to see them as rather special thoughtful ideas.

Hi Philippa 60
I think it’s important to show you are listening and demonstrating the respect you feel for them by abiding by their stated wishes. I thought the same about my sons and daughter in laws possibly not really knowing how completely full on and 24/7 having a newborn is. To be honest I think that applies to everyone who is having their first baby including ourselves. When I gently suggested to my youngest son that I thought my daughter in law might need support with some of her other responsibilities when their baby was born, he pointed out that she would feel that I was judging her as being unable to cope with her chosen lifestyle. So it was very clear to me to respect her independence. It’s tricky because I know you want to help in the best way possible, but I have found that trying to take a step back and not rush into ‘helping mode’ demonstrates that you trust them take on their new responsibility as first time parents , learning as they go along and bonding as a lovely family.
I was invited to visit my first granddaughter when she was three weeks old and stayed for 48 hours. We live over 300 miles apart otherwise I would have just popped in for maybe half a day to meet my grandaughter and yet not overstay my welcome.

just a thought..... have 5 children, 4 with offspring and not one was happy to receive my help although paradoxically we are a very close family. They are all fiercely independent and in the same way as quite young children refused to let me 'help' them with their homework

I don't know what all the fuss is about. Having a baby you just get on with it instead of all this mamby pamby.

When I had my first baby I had to have a nurse coming every day and a home help for about 6 weeks but , had I been well enough, would have preferred to get on independently as I did with my second .

Respect their wishes. Wait until you are invited.

I would respect their wishes. Not all first time parents need support. Bonding with our first born as a new family of three are some of my happiest memories. Although we did have a few early visitors, they were very short visits, even from grandparents, and I was always pleased when we could get back to just being us three.

When our eldest son and daughter in law had their first they wanted time on their own to bond. When they had their second we were to be there straight away. Their firstborn we were disappointed, their second we were overjoyed. That’s the way they wanted it. Apparently they would have done things slightly different. But us, we went with the flow. Their babies their rules. We just did what they wanted and loved it all. It’s ok to be disappointed we mums and dads are human. But. FaceTime is a brilliant way to connect. Also have you thought about sending meals through the post then you are doing something to make life easier for them. (Just Fresh) and the like. I’m sure whatever happened it’s going to be amazing. ?

When my children had their own babies, I offered to pay (a few weeks after the birth of each child) for a night nanny for a few weeks if they wanted one. I think 2 of my children accepted that offer and one didn't. Depends on the individual doesn't it and some babies are much easier than others.................

#BRAVA BRAVA GET THE bloody edit tool sorted for pity's sake!!!!!!!

Saggi

…..oh and with second baby I stayed in hospital just 6 hours…. couldn’t stand the regimen imposed! We had no car and couldn’t afford the taxi fare….so got the bus outside hospital with babe wrapped in shawl.

Braga! Saggi! Well said.i fail to see why they insist on dragging dad's into the birth? Last thing I neede was my ex hubby and his sarcastic comments and constant messing about with the equipment! He had to be told to pack it in in the end.i wished he'd just piss off! Birthing is women's work and real women should share with younger gens how it all works, no flannel no lies, no fairy tales! Hard dirty work and the best thing in the world to achieve!

LostLaLa

Tell them that you totally understand, then tell them you're disappointed but will take a nice little beach (or somewhere you know they'd love to go). My daughter treated me the exact same and once I showed them I had my own life, started traveling and doing things for myself they offer me to visit every weekend now! Imagine that...leave them alone and show them it's important but you can live without seeing the baby and they'll change their tune. Adult children have a silly notion that when you're older all you want to do is live life through them, you have to show them you have a great life and you can take it or leave it...adults children are different these days, it's called reversed psychology!

Never never never use words like 'disappointed' ' concerned' ' let down ' !!!! Trigger words!

Ooh don't do it! She may interpret this gesture as you thinking she's incapable of coping !! This could sound the death knell for your relationship! So do nothing. Zero. Zilch. NADA.ne rien! Smile sweetly and keep a lid on your emotions. And look forward to some fab Pictures etc and a visit when THEY. Are ready but don't hold your breath. Exciting and scary all at once!

A very kind thought but don’t do it

Tell them that you totally understand, then tell them you're disappointed but will take a nice little beach (or somewhere you know they'd love to go). My daughter treated me the exact same and once I showed them I had my own life, started traveling and doing things for myself they offer me to visit every weekend now! Imagine that...leave them alone and show them it's important but you can live without seeing the baby and they'll change their tune. Adult children have a silly notion that when you're older all you want to do is live life through them, you have to show them you have a great life and you can take it or leave it...adults children are different these days, it's called reversed psychology!

OP I wish you had been my mum when I had my boy. I was left alone to get on with it (with then hubby) and it was bloody hard work. Your son and DIL don’t know what they’re missing.

I definitely wouldn't have done this. However,I would have loved a cleaner after my third child as I had medical problems and was told to rest for the first 3 weeks with no lifting or heavy housework

I know how hard it is when you want to help but honestly respecting what the parents have asked is so so important. Even the suggestion that they need gifted, paid-for help, is quite insulting especially to an almost certainly fearful first time mum & dad. They should be well supported postnatally by their community midwife and HV and if mum plans to breastfeed she does need uninterrupted time with baby close to her. If she is struggling you can suggest she, or he, calls the National Breastfeeding Helpline 0300 100 0212 for trained support & information. An excellent website that may be useful to them is www.breastfeeding.support useful for antenatal prep as well as post birth. Have you been in contact with your DILs mother so you can both ideally be on the same page rather than possibly competing or giving conflicting or stressful "support".

My two children were born abroad. I was glad not to have any parents on either side available. Admittedly I was tired and when I retured to UK with 2 children I was delighted when they were the centre of attention and relatives wanted to get to know them and play with them.

Don't do it. It's their baby, their choice. If they need help they will ask