Son and Daugher-in-law hosting skills....

I can remember being invited to visit someone one cold february evening many years ago. It involved a long bad journey on the bus. When I arrived the house was freezing and I had to keep my coat on. I was not even offered a cup of coffee until I asked for one. My "hostess" admitted she hadnt so much as a biscut in the house. I asked if she had forgotten that she invited meand she said no.

I declined all subsequent invitiations. If you are inviting guests the very least you should do is ensure the house is adequately heated and you offer them a hot drink on a cold evening. I did not expect a feast - just the basics.

I have got used to a very different idea about hosting from my son and DIL. Packets of food put on table ..... rather than putting cold meats etc on plates for serving!. Bags of crisps in a pile at the end of the table...and so on.

I usually offer to take something and it is always accepted ...a cake/pudding or whatever and is usually the only thing there of that nature regardless of numbers!

But in the end its the people that matter and the seeing each other I suppose.

Farmor15

Interesting how some posters suggested it would be offensive if a parent started offering drinks at a party hosted in son's house.
In my experience, at parties, all the extended family give a hand, and if they notice something was needed (more snacks, drinks etc), they would just fetch and offer to other guests.
But families are all different - reading posts on Gransnet highlights that!

Surely it’s entirely acceptable to take a bottle or a box of chocs, if it’s a large gathering I always ask if I can bring anything, a dessert or similar.
But I wouldn’t get extra without being asked

Interesting how some posters suggested it would be offensive if a parent started offering drinks at a party hosted in son's house.
In my experience, at parties, all the extended family give a hand, and if they notice something was needed (more snacks, drinks etc), they would just fetch and offer to other guests.
But families are all different - reading posts on Gransnet highlights that!

It could be a generational thing. Younger people are more likely to have get together where the guests bring a bottle and the hosts don't provide much in the way of drinks. And they might not eat more than a few snacks.

On the other hand not all older people are perfect hosts either.

I guess that they weren’t planning on offering anything to the adults at the first birthday party, so the OP overstepped the mark there.
Lots of good suggestions re offering to contribute when invited to their house.
I think best to avoid a direct conversation, unless you can joke about it, which seems unlikely. I also wonder where his wife comes into it.
Finances may be an issue. I remember years ago when we had renovated a house and were broke, we invited people who had helped us for a light supper, but could hardly afford it. There was not a lot of food, and I had to portion it out to make sure there was enough for everyone.

I am worried reading this as my mum's family always made masses of food for what ever occasion & always had to throw some away or the dogs got lucky.
valdali I remember visiting an older couple (well, our age ) when we were in Australia - come for coffee, they said, which turned out to be lunch.
Well, I have never seen so much food on a groaning table in my life for 7 people! There must have been leftovers for the whole week and she gave us boxes of food to take home too.

Hosting is an art, doesnt come easily to everybody

Quite amazing how many of you would 'tell' your adult child to do anything. I only do the basic foundations and hope they evolve into rounded human beings. So far so good. I would consider 'telling' them anything rude and intrusive. And, no, I don't always appreciate their lifestyles but it is theirs and not mine. I just about manage my own!

My step DIL is like that hopeless at hosting, whenever we visit OH takes us all to the pub, it’s the only way we get fed.
No big deal, it’s the way she is.

My kids are both like me…. always plenty of grub and whatever we want to drink. Always enough … although son is a singleton , and if he’s entertaining friends he’ll quite often text me to ask “ should I cook one or two chickens for six people”….. I always say two and then you’ve got ‘leftovers. ‘. Don’t quite understand how your son has grown up with you but without social skills.

We never go anywhere without taking fizz and/or wine and beer sometimes a lot of it ie if it’s Christmas or Birthday celebrations, not that we drink much but I feel it’s a help. In your case I’d add soft drinks too!
I wouldn’t talk to my children about hosting skills even in a joking way - it’s a minefield! Have a good meal before you go haha

My dd is a pescatarian but she always does a great meal for us. So we can complain.

What's expected at a lst birthday party nowadays? Cup of tea or soft drink fir accompanying adults. My memory of such events is that adults don't have time for eating and drinking for coping with their own children (usually excited or crying due to noise etc). I'd have to ask a parent of a 1 year old what was normally offered and then suggest same to son.

This thread reminded me of a communal buffet supper that we went to years ago. One family tried to pass tuna laced with ketchup off as finest red salmon. Another plate of sandwiches contained sparsely buttered bread with slices of round luncheon meat - the meat slices were so small they didn't even touch the sides of the bread. Most of the other contributions were great and looked really appetising although the people who had made 'salmon' sandwiches and 'luncheon meat' sandwiches never touched their own offerings, they scoffed everyone else's! Never bothered with communal buffets again.

I am worried reading this as my mum's family always made masses of food for what ever occasion & always had to throw some away or the dogs got lucky. So when I'm hosting, I do try not to be OTT with the amount of food. Most of us eat more than is good for us anyway & I do like hosting & can afford to feed people properly, but I don't like to make masses more than we need. It's not that I'm mean,I just don't like waste & DH isn't a "dustbin" , he wont eat leftovers willingly. So I hope guests don't go home from my house hungry! They dont seem to rush off as though they need to catch a pizza before it closes, anyway.

i am one of the least tactful people in this world but i think you could take something along - be it a homemade lemonade or a pudding. just say that you appreciate catering for others is a lot of work so you thought you would help out .

LauraNorderr

Just turn up with a few bottles, especially soft drinks if many are driving. A huge plate of sausage rolls and just say hope you don’t mind but needed to make room in my fridge and freezer.
Nobody offended and all fed and watered.
If it’s just a family dinner then ask what you can bring.
I really wouldn’t point out their lack of hosting skills, it may knock their confidence.

I agree that funds could be limited.

We'd never turn up empty-handed unless told specifically not to bring anything. You could check first by phoning and see if they want you to bring anything particular.
Perhaps it's an Australian thing, *LauraNorderr!

luluaugust

Where is his wife in all this, I know it is sexist but most women do take some interest in what goes on the table. In fact lets face it they usually do all the work whichever side of the family are turning up. Could it be the cost? Taking a starter or pud is quite common and usually very welcome.
I would be careful if you have word with him as it may be that his wife will suddenly take exception to you trying to sort out their household.

I was thinking exactly the same thing Lulu as regards being careful about having a word with the son. I have a super-sensitive DIL and a DS who immediately goes on the defensive at the slightest hint of criticism, to the extent it could quickly escalate into a row. I have a cousin who used to invite you to lunch and it would be a couple of slices of ham and a tiny bit of salad, we'd be starving, but we knew what to expect when we accepted the invite. It's not even a Mother's place to criticize her son's hospitality or indeed to feel embarrassed by it. Accept that's the way they are, is it such a big deal as to "need addressing"?

LauraNorderr

Just turn up with a few bottles, especially soft drinks if many are driving. A huge plate of sausage rolls and just say hope you don’t mind but needed to make room in my fridge and freezer.
Nobody offended and all fed and watered.
If it’s just a family dinner then ask what you can bring.
I really wouldn’t point out their lack of hosting skills, it may knock their confidence.

I would do what Laura suggests and take some food and/or drinks and just say 'Thought you might like a few extras.'

Definitely don't mention their lack of food or social skills. You could offend your DIL and may not get another invite!

If your son is slow to offer drinks you could say lightly 'Can I help you out by offering drinks while you mingle?'

As others have said funds may be limited, or they may not be used to catering for more people than themselves. And many young people don't cater for guests in the way their parents did, they just enjoy their company and order in take-aways if food is needed.

As their little girl gets older and attends friend's parties they'll get a better idea of what is usually expected.

Enjoy your time with them, and if you're still hungry when you leave, stop at the chippie on the way home.

What food there is is really not important. Seeing friends and family is far more important. Why worry about number of sandwiches on table. Oh and it is not right to take on the hosting in his house. Just my opinion of course...

Next time you get an invite you could perhaps say 'I've just made a fruit loaf
/sponge cake/buns/flapjacks (for example), shall I bring it along. If you haven't made one and he says yes that would be good, get cracking and make something quick.

I would have torn a strip off my mother, after the guests had gone, if she had gone around offering drinks, or anything else to my guests!

You say the selection of drinks was limited to what was in his pantry and that invited to take pot-luck you had to limit your portion size to make sure there was enough food to go round, and that they make the bare minimum.

Did it not dawn on you on either occasion that what they were offering was actually what they could afford to serve?

Unless you know that they are very well off, which does not sound likely to me, you say nothing at all.

Next time they invite you, you could ask if they would like you to bring anything, such as fruit for dessert.

I think it is Pinkarolina is definitely right a pot luck invitation means that you bring something to the party/dinner as follows

Image result for invite to pot luck?

Please Join Us For Our Annual Office Potluck. Please sign up to bring a dish at ...........

As previously mentioned, could it be money that's the problem? He might want to invite family for a special occassion but funds being low, can only afford a little. Have a word when you next see him, it's what mums do, no one else is in a situation to do it, only his mum. And if money is a problem, perhaps mum could help out a little? That's what I would do.