Paternal Grandmother

Willow78
I definitely wouldn’t recommend just popping round. My PIL used to turn up without notice when my baby was little snd I really could have done without it! I once pulled my curtains and didn’t answer the door only for them to let themselves in to ‘check ‘ on us.
Usually mums become far more open to visits snd want babysitting once the children get a bit older and more irritating lol

Barleycorn. Please don’t allow this situation with money to continue. People can only walk all over you if you lay down and allow it. You and your DH spend your money on yourselves.

‘It’s my turn now, you’ve had your go’ - just like toys in the playground. Completely childish and unedifying.

You are already keeping a tally of whether youbsee the child as much as the other grandparent!! Please don't!!!

A friend of mine married "the boy next door", their mothers were friends as well as neighbours. Then grandchild(ren) came along and suddenly she had problems because the two grandmother's were keeping a tally and each expected to see the baby an equal number of times to the other; and to take it in turns to babysit.

My poor friend ended up totally stressed out by it all!!

Just be grateful for the time "they choose" to give you, it's not your god-given right and if you kick off, they could perfectly legitimately cut you off from "their child" altogether.

BARLEYCORN , so sorry , its so sad but never stop loving them .

Mummers, don’t say things like that. I know it’s out of anger, disappointment and sadness. I’m sure you have had some nice times with him. Don’t be unhappy

Don't push for more contact. As others have said, it's likely to backfire on you. When you do visit, pay attention to baby's Mum, letting her know that you're not just there to see the baby. Take some flowers. Ask if there are any jobs you can help with. They're likely to involve you more if they enjoy your visits.
My GS was born in May 2020, and the idea was that I would be there. I have an excellent relationship with my DIL. Sadly, they live in Australia, and I'm still waiting to meet him. His other GPs live just down the road, and see him frequently. It's sad, but can't be helped, and I'm not jealous of their frequent contact.
I also have a 5 year old GD over there. My DDs child. I haven't visited them for almost three years, either. Her other GPs live in Peru, so she is doubly deprived.
Thankfully they all do their best, with frequent FaceTimes, videos and photos, to keep us in contact as much as possible. Seeing them in person once a week would be bliss. I hope to be able to visit soon but, at 82, it's likely to be the last time I can hug them, unless they manage to come over here. Difficult and expensive. I take what I can, and appreciate it.

I can see this is quite an emotive subject!

I have a very special relationship with both of my sons which I would never want to damage.

Further thanks to you all though - I am in a much better place having read and digested your thoughts.

Couldn’t have said it better myself DiscoDancer1975

Beanutz2115

I feel so sorry for you. Did you ever think of invoking grandparents rights?

@Beanutz2115

I'm sorry "grandparents rights" because OP "only" sees her grandchild once a week? Or to force the new parents to hand over their 4 month baby for "alone time"? I have never hear of anything more ridiculous.

I think that OPs case is mostly an issue of mismatched expectations in these early days. It need not affect the relationship that you go on to have with your grandchild.

For what it's worth I gave birth in a different country
- my DM did not meet DD1 until she was 6 weeks old and they went on to have a lovely relationship even though they only saw each other a few times a year
- MIL did not meet dd1 until she was 3 months and their relationship was more difficult but mostly because she was not that interested in babies and died when dd1 was 5

God forgives me but sometimes I genuinely wish I had only the one son.#2 son is complicit in abhorrent treatment of both me and DH and his father (my ex) and his missus and his own brother is rarely if ever invited to visit but always in touch when cars need work doing(owns garage with father, suprise suprise) my life is barren ,#1 son has no children due to 14+ years wasted on an absolute ' taker' who was with him until it suited her not to be having taken all his earnings then kept shared savings! Misery doesn't begin to describe it. I would have. Been better with just one darling loving son and no GK to beat myself up about and have my old age turned into a sentence of waiting to be no more. Dramatic? Not a bit of it. Genuine grief? Yes

Beanutz2115

I feel so sorry for you. Did you ever think of invoking grandparents rights?

In UK there are NO rights as grandparents.

Darling bluesparkle 41. Yes yes and yes again. Sadly your predicament is extremely common for reasons nobody appears to have knowledge of. DiL are so very possessive and sometimes downright evil when it comes to ways in which they can 'punish' paternal grandparents. I've had 9years of it now with my last eight of my darling x3 GK back in FEB 18. I sincerely wish you well and pray you don't fall to this curse xxx

Don’t get upset,it is very early in the babies life,it used to be the same with my DIL but as time went on we were always available and very helpful,always took baking,did laundry,picked up things they needed etc etc,now my DIL phones me often for advice,pre Covid I used to take them to lots of their after school activities and watch all sports events and take them out for days of fun,the kids love coming to us and their faces light up when we see them—— just give it time and make sure you never complain,good luck

No such thing as grandparents’ rights in the UK.

I feel so sorry for you. Did you ever think of invoking grandparents rights?

If your daughter in law is on maternity leave I think it's natural that she would like to spend time with her parents and sister. She probably feels more at ease with them too. It's difficult to be s first time mum and maybe she thinks you are more interested in the baby than in helping her and finds it easier to ask for help from her family.
All you can do is let her know you are there to help if she needs you. Please don't give her the impression that you are needy or that she is cutting you off as that may make things much more difficult. At the moment you see him once a week which is more than some people see their grandchildren.
Perhaps when he is a little older and your daughter in law is more confident things will change. Meanwhile I would just enjoy him when you do see him.

I’m sure this thread was on last week.

Yes, same for me Bluesparkle, only I only saw my grandchildren once in a while, part of the reason being we live 2 hours away. But DIL was very close to her mother, sister and family, even though her mother also lived more than 2 hours away, also sister and rest of the family. I have just never felt accepted or comfortable in DIL’s presence, and as a result have made a few blunders along the way. However I was once told by DIL that I always showed much more interest in the grandchildren than her mother. The result of all this is that there feels a distance between me and GC. DIL is no longer DIL! She is unfriendly unless she wants something. GC are fine, but really don’t go out of their way to keep in touch, though I try to do so. My GS (middle child aged now 22) is actually turning out to be the most responsive and actually sent me a birthday card which I am thrilled about! I get on well with eldest GC - a girl, now aged 26. She does phone me from time to time, she is quite a character, and when I mentioned that it was my birthday the other day, she said she had a card she’d send - I’m still waiting!!! The youngest, a girl is 17. When she was small we had a really good relationship, but as she has grown up, she has become more distant, and teenage years are difficult. Also maybe her Mum has had something to do with it. However I never remark on this, I love them all to bits, never complain about it. I’m not making myself out to be particularly virtuous but one just has to accept the situation which is so common with paternal grandparents.

In time things will change I am sure your gc is only young and it’s all new to the parents and it’s only natural for her mum to be around.
My mum was great when mine were little. My mother in law too.
I can only say don’t make waves just enjoy him when you see him and it will get better.

I know exactly how you feel! I've been there too, and still am in some ways, I have a 6 week old granddaughter who I've seen three times and held briefly twice.
Please follow the advice on here there is a lot of wisdom in it.
I've stopped fretting about it and decided to just accept the situation as it is and be grateful when I do see her.
Stay loving and open to them but stop offering to help, I can assure you, once their cute little baby has grown into a toddler they will change their tune about you and be asking you for help.
Your grandson will love you, you can be sure of that, no matter how involved you are in his babyhood.
Look forward to that, you've got many years of fun to come.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with primal instinct. Most men will acquiesce for an easy life.

I have daughters and gave them the advice my mother gave me which was make sure the GC have as good a relationship with all the GPs as you can, as regardless how irritated you are by your inlaws (not always but it happens ) you are not in any way to jeopardise the GC : GP relationship as you don’t know when you as a mum might need it, and when you do you need the kids to go there willingly, and to do that they need to know each other properly. I love my GC to pieces , we see them probably once a month, the other granny has them regularly a day a week and also get off the cuff visits as they’re local. I am sorry I can’t be there for them more often , but I’m pleased they have the other granny to be there for me if you see what I mean and us grannies know we have a mutual interest in making sure the GC have a great life.

I'm sorry I haven't read thru all the posts in this thread. As the paternal grandmother I have always gotten the short end of the stick. The other grandma has open and free access to the grands and I am left feeling like I'm not good enough or important enough etc. The rules are different for her than me. Its not fair and I have brought the subject up more than once. Finally my son told me that's just the way it is and always will be. The mother favors her family and she generally is in charge of the calendar too.