Paternal Grandmother

Replies are not all directed to OP, GN members refer to each other, bring in knowledge from elsewhere (other threads)

I quite deliberately left my contribution to the second page of this thread for the OP to receive lots of support from other members, before I expressed my very real concerns about the way we seem to be having a wave of grandparents posting on GN because they are demanding or expect to see their DGC far more frequently than their parents want it to be, or have time for it to be.

Some of them are very emotional and upset about it, but how did they come to have these expectations that cause them such unhappiness when they are not met?

I am concerned when we hear from people who have geared their whole life round being grandparents and are left, almost, without any resources to fall back on, with their whole life without sense of purpose, when for any reason, they do not get as much contact with their DGC as they have come to believe they should have.

I cannot remember it happening when my children were babies 1970-75, nor in my own childhood, or even with my own DGC.

And the grief is almost entirely about access to baby/toddler grandchildren, as if they were toys, never with DGC with minds and preferences of their own, which I find is when they grow most interesting.

M0nica

I wrote general comment based on this thread and many others. This is why every reference to grandparents etc was in the plural. It was not directed specifically at this OP.

It is possible to draw general conclusions on a generalised problem that arises frequently.

Similarly with my reference which Madgran wrongly attributed to MOnica.

I wrote general comment based on this thread and many others. This is why every reference to grandparents etc was in the plural. It was not directed specifically at this OP

I see that Monica but I just don't think it helps this OP at all, when she is clearly trying to sort herself out a out!

I wrote general comment based on this thread and many others. This is why every reference to grandparents etc was in the plural. It was not directed specifically at this OP.

It is possible to draw general conclusions on a generalised problem that arises frequently.

Grandparents have no rights and nor should they. I am constantly amazed at the number of grandparents who are demanding time alone with very small babies or worrying that they get less time than the other parent whoever they be.

We seem to have so many grandmothers on here saying they don’t get enough time with grandchildren and the other grandparents get more. The baby isn’t a toy to take turns with and it’s not a competition. I can only conclude that these people have no other interests in their lives.

This poster is clearly aware, as can be seen in her OP, that she doesn't have rights, that she is "wretched and consumed with envy", that she knows she has to deal with that, that she is disappointed but knows she has to deal with that, and is asking if anyone has been through the same sort of thing and asking for advice on how to deal with it!! Nothing suggests she is "demanding"! anything, even if she longs for opportunities!

I really can't see the purpose in referring to an amorphous mass of "jealous grandmothers" with "nothing else in their lives" when all she is doing is confessing to her feelings (which are human even if not entirely reasonable!!) and asking for advice...and also she has been thanking people for their suggestions and says she is thinking about them so she is clearly open to advice!

Dear me!

BlueSparkle41

Dear Peasblossom,
In answer to your question:
If you’ve had to wait a long time for a grandchild, have the parents had to wait a long time too?
No, they didn't - they had decided not to have children but changed their minds last year and were lucky enough to conceive fairly soon after their decision.

I would like to thank you all for taking the time to reply, helping me see things from different perspectives and making me realise that I am indeed fortunate.

Just wondered if that might explain their feelings a bit?

It doesnt matter who waits longer for a child or gc - it is not a competition

Having a gc is a privilege, not a right.

Unfortunately, it is up to the parents if they wand to reproduce - how long a gp waits is meaningless

Dear Peasblossom,
In answer to your question:
If you’ve had to wait a long time for a grandchild, have the parents had to wait a long time too?
No, they didn't - they had decided not to have children but changed their minds last year and were lucky enough to conceive fairly soon after their decision.

I would like to thank you all for taking the time to reply, helping me see things from different perspectives and making me realise that I am indeed fortunate.

Thank you everyone.

Good post MOnica. We seem to have so many grandmothers on here saying they don’t get enough time with grandchildren and the other grandparents get more. The baby isn’t a toy to take turns with and it’s not a competition. I can only conclude that these people have no other interests in their lives.

Grandparents have no rights and nor should they. I am constantly amazed at the number of grandparents who are demanding time alone with very small babies or worrying that they get less time than the other parent whoever they be.

Parents should realise that you take a step back from your children when they marry/move in with a partner and another step back when children are born. You build yourself a life where grandchildren and access to them are the icing on the cake but the cake is the most delicious one you can find.

I am a paternal grandmother, I live 200 miles from my grandchildren. My DDiL's mother lives 2 miles away. I have never been in competition with my companion grandmother. Take what comes and make the best of it

Sorry Loulelady, crossed post, and you said it much better than me!

I agree with VioletSky too. My memory of being a new mum was that to start with I only trusted my newborn to my mum, or to my sister who already had children, because I knew I could share my anxieties with them better than with anybody else. I think it’s natural to entrust your new baby to your own family until you get more confident. I wouldn’t read anything more than that into the situation.

Yes, good advice Loulelady.

A wise and sensible post Loulelady!

Once a week is a lot and more than you saw them before when they were a lot less busy than they are now.

Also I assume your DIL is on maternity leave, her mother is not just seeing her grandson, she may be primarily spending time with her daughter, and of course that entails spending time with the baby too but it's not just her visiting the baby.

Definitely don't drop in and try not to guilt your son with this. You really aren't hard done to and he doesn't need the stress. Guilt is not a pleasant feeling, I'm sure you want your son and DIL to enjoy your visits not dread them. Go, enjoy your time with them, don't overstay because that can be tricky with a baby when you are sleep-deprived, and don't make comments about "appointments" or quiz them about when the other grandparents have visited.

I think a lot of in-laws don't get that one reason many women are a lot more comfortable with their mothers in the precious but tiring baby months is that the relationship is solid enough for discord; by which I mean that they can be a bit snappy; tell them they are sick to death of hearing how they did x or y, - without it jeopardising the relationship. Even when we have a great relationship with our in-laws, it tends to be a bit more polite and it might be unwise to tell your MIL "FFS! Give it a rest will you?!" I mean my mother would have taken the hump at that too but we'd definitely get over it.

I could go for an afternoon sleep if my mum was with me but it would have felt rude when my in-laws were there. We tend to feel with have to put our best foot forward when we are with all but our very closest friends and family.

I'm sure you will develop a close and loving relationship with your grandson but at 4 months old he's going to be all about his mum anyway, with dad in seconds place. It will get better and better as long as you don't push it and lead to a strained relationship.

Also try reminding yourself there are only so many hours and days in a week. This much loved little human is lucky enough to have you, his mums extended family and goodness knows how many other friends etc of his parents who all want to see him/spend time with him and them. You know that your DS has a heavy workload, so scheduling everyone in and also trying to have some quality immediate family time can be quite the feat when there are so many loved ones to accommodate. Try and appreciate the time you do have with him and remind yourself how lucky he is to be treasure by so many. And please try and enjoy your time with your DD/DIL too - remember them as valued members of your extended family and not just your GS’s parents or a way to get to see him.

Try to 'go with the flow' BlueSparkle and enjoy the time you do get to spend with your GS and congratulations.

Thank you for replying. Very interesting. Progress then! Stay calm. It's early days. Sounds good to me. Good luck.

Sometimes we have to give ourselves a bit of a kick up the bum to stop glass half empty feelings that's all

If you’ve had to wait a long time for a grandchild, have the parents had to wait a long time too?

I loved being with my babies and wouldn’t have wanted to hand them over to anyone at four months. Just wouldn’t have wanted to. Me and my baby came as a package. It didn’t occur to me that it should be otherwise?

Even now I think this whole thing of ‘alone time’ is really weird until their child is older.

More thanks to everyone - I am pleased I bothered to post on here. Not everyone agrees with my views (I did not expect them to) but certainly lots to think about!

So you see them more often now than before - you are blessed

Kim19 Thu 17-Feb-22 12:56:47
Just wondering how often you saw/met/socialised with them pre baby?
We saw them a little less maybe 1-2 times per fortnight.

To new grandparents
How was your relationship with the couple before kids

How often did you visit

Those answers are key to how often to visit post kids