Missing grandchildren

This is so sad for you both, after losing your DS and DIL a which must have been dreadful for you both.
I imagine your DH tries to ignore the situation to shield you both from being hurt further.
I’m afraid it’s just what some young ones are like now, they surround themselves with friends and tend to ignore family maybe because they know family will always be there when needed.
My poor mum used to break her heart when 2 of her grandchildren never got in touch,she’d done nothing wrong they can be rather selfish if I’m honest.
I am an optimist I’d keep trying to maintain contact even if just by texts etc.
Good luck

I wonder how close you were when they were growing up? You do seem to be doing the right thing so I would just continue but without being too disappointed if you don't get much response. They are obviously more wrapped up in their own lives. It's very common, best thing to do is not focus too much on them but accept things as they are.

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Leftinthecold please ignore any unhelpful comments.
You are living what every parent dreads, the loss of a child, I am so sorry.

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I'm sorry you dont have the relationship you would like with your grandchildren.

Keep those messages going, I'm sure it's not personal just life and grief

I am so sorry about the loss of your family. Your grandchildren may feel awkward about meeting up. Maybe it will remind them of what they have lost.

When my dad died I was reluctant to visit my mum who I adored. I was so used to my dad waiting at the gate for me to arrive. I couldn't face going there not for quite a while.

It's bound to be a very difficult situation for you and your husband.
Try not to take it personal and do what you have been doing so far. You never know one day you may be pleasantly surprised with a visit.

How sad for you Left in the cold ….how very sad, for your Grandchildren. As you say, they are living their lives. Do you think they’re keeping away, because, being with you will bring bad memories of their mother and ditto with their Dad’s side. They are doing well considering the circumstances. Don’t eat too sad - this all so tragic

Don’t ‘be’ too sad, not ‘eat’

So your gc lost both parents in their early 20s? I assume that your dd who is having a party is of a similar age to their father (your ds) who died.

It's possible that "happy family events" and sending cards etc are really difficult for these grandchildren and that it reignites their feelings of loss of their own parents, Is it possible to invite them to something a lot less emotionally charged than Christmas or Birthdays?

May I ask did their parents die in an accident together? Were the gc present when they died?

Leftinthecold This must be very hard for you.

I think you should keep cards and little messages going whether you get replies or not. Then they can pick up with you as and when they feel able.

I agree with others who say that it is worth considering that contact with their grandparents is just too hard for them. They have had to cope with losing both parents in their early twenties, that will have left a maelstrom of emotion.

I am not sure whether you had more contact earlier in their bereavement and more recently there has been less? If so this could be a sign of their burgeoning recovery , making independent lives, new friends jobs etc? Ofcourse you want to see them more but the lack of contact may not really be about you, just a new life and new interests. They might just know you will be there when needed?

Maybe you could very gently suggest in some messages something like "I'm in town on Thursday...any chance of a quick catchup for half a hour,no worries if you are too busy" or a version of that that is feasible in whatever circumstances you are in, distances from each other etc? In other words keeping everything casual and easy going, nothing "heavy" , nothing that puts "family pressure" on.

All I have said is surmising as ofcourse none of us "know" why your grandchildren are making these choices and only you can decide whether any of these suggestions might be feasible for you

How sad...I’m so sorry for your losses, and can’t begin to imagine what it’s like for you on a daily basis.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong decision here. It’s really down to your instincts. However...if it were me, I think I’d probably just leave it to them now, to make contact when they want. Let them know you’re always around if they need you, and leave the door open. Make sure they know they’re loved.

They’re well into adulthood...and will understand why you’re perhaps eager to see them more often, but at the moment, they don’t want to. Don’t forget, they lost their parents too, and may still be processing it.

It is really hard I’m sure, but in order to get a better relationship going, you may have to let them go for a while.

I wish you all the best.

We were very involved with them when they were young and in their teens. We would go to all their sporting and dance events. We would take them to the park and other day trips. It's so heartbreaking.

Thank you. My DIL died after battling 14 years with breast cancer. My son was diagnosed with lymphoma and 1 year later he was gone. He died 3 months after his wife.

that's such a sad set of circumstances, for everyone.
but you know most grown up GC move away and make independent lives, quite apart from any grief that may add to that natural process.
maybe when they have children themselves, they will be more family oriented.
at this stage, they are busy with their own lives, their own generation, establishing careers, and don't want to look back.

Thank you. I will keep on doing what I'm doing. Our daughter had even made plans s with them and all was good. Not sure what changed in the last 2 to 3 years. I know Covid has changed a lot of things. We keep on and do our best. Hopefully, one day they will take the initiative.

Such tragic circumstances for you and your grandchildren Leftinthecold you have my sympathy.
I think you are right to continue as you have been and hope your grandchildren will respond more positively in the future.

So very sorry for all that you've been through LeftintheCold. It's perfectly understandable that you miss your GC and Covid has made things difficult for so many.

I'm sure that what you're doing is appreciated, even though you are not seeing as much of them as you used too and would like. Keep doing what you're doing which will make it so much easier for them to reciprocate when they wish too.