Help Needed but How?

Truth hurts sometimes.

Wow! Could this win the award for the most judgemental, sexist, unhelpful and outdated comment of the day?

SueDonim

They could pay for a cleaner and the children could attend breakfast and after school clubs.

If they want help in-house, your daughter could go through an agency that supplies vetted staff.

How about if they just look after their children themselves instead of farming them out to nurseries etc. Why have children if you are not going to look after them yourselves. I think that it is awful that tiny children are put in nurseries. Oh this poor couple need someone to help with their children’s homework and someone to take them to school etc. Poor Grandparents everywhere are used for this role, used, being the operative word. Surely the Mother could give up her job and do the role she is meant to. Do they really need two cars and two holidays abroad etc. Let’s go back to the old days when Dad went to work and Mum looked after the children. I am sure children were happier then knowing that when they came home from school, Mum was there.

The word 'parents' does not mean exclusively women.

Nowadays plenty of couples manage to flex both their careers to give time and energy to their chldren. That includes many in high pressure, high flying jobs.

It is a question of where your priorities lie.

Gasp! How women dare to have professional dreams!

If only fathers offered to be the stay at home parent - problem solved!

Esspee

I find it sad that these days parents put their careers before the needs of their children.

I agree....but we’ll end up having another thread about working mums, which won’t be helpful for the OP.

There’s only two children here, and two high flying salaries, which I would guess are not necessary.

However...that is their choice, and as I said before, it’s for them to sort out.

My daughter-in-law has a friend who is a child minder and she looks after older children, taking them to and from school, looking after them after school and during school holidays. With older children she is allowed to have more children under her care. It may be worth looking into.

MissChateline an au-pair only looks after the children, a mother's help does all the thing you mention like transporting the children, cooking & cleaning. As we are no longer in the EU I would imagine, we are back to requiring labour permits for a mothers help as they are paid a proper wage. Au-pairs could stay for a year and did not require labour permits in my days. I am quoting the rules prior to the EU, I was an au-pair myself and later employed a mother's help for 12 months very successfully in the seventies.

Hithere

In the US, there is the concept of mother's helper.

Also, I would find out what the school offers, before and after.

Some gyms also offer after school programs.

We used to have them here. Basically an unqualified nanny who would do housework too. Now it's all qualifications and every one is a Nanny and won't do non- child related things (at least according to mumsnet)

effalump

Would any of their friends' parents help out for something in return eg, baking a cake or buns each week, or Artisan bread? Do you have any skills that might be useful that you can use as a thankyou?

These are not the OP's children, they are the parents' responsibility as is the house cleaning.

I doubt anyone would take on house cleaning and hours of child minding in exchange for a few buns or a loaf.
The going rate for either is at least £10 ph, more in the Home Counties.

I would suggest that a cleaner is required as surely it will eventually be too much for you.

My family had a 'tea lady'. This lovely woman collected the children from school, walked them home, set them up with any homework, etc She made the children supper then did the bath and bed routine. Around 4.5 hours in total.

Unfortunately the lady did not drive, so help to attend some after school activities had to be found elsewhere but it was a great loving relationship and all enjoyed it for many years until Covid reared its head.

Would any of their friends' parents help out for something in return eg, baking a cake or buns each week, or Artisan bread? Do you have any skills that might be useful that you can use as a thankyou?

If both parents have good well paid jobs then there should be no problem finding help Many childminders do school pick ups and takes often taking their younger charges out for a walk to do the pick up/ drop off then the older ones love helping with the little ones or sit doing homework
That’s how it worked for my youngest daughters three children

There are reputable agencies for au pairs, but honestly an au pair is not the best solution for children of these ages.

She will most likely only be about 18 herself, perhaps as young as 16, which can lead to problems.

It sounds to me as if your daughter and her husband should be able to afford to pay a nanny, if they can get one, or at least an older woman than an au pair with experience of either teaching or bringing up children.

Call me old fashioned if you like, but I do not think that a 10 year old and an 8 year old should be left to their own devices entirely after school. Accidents do occur, and certainly there is no way of knowing whether they are playing computer games all afternoon, or not.

In your daughter's place, I would look for a woman in her late thirties or early forties who either is a mother herself or has professional experience in looking after children.

Dylant1234

Helping look after the beloved grandchildren I get - but cleaning for them once a week?!? Is this a joke thread?!

I'd want being paid for cleaning!
Actually, I have enough trouble getting my own cleaning one without doing the DCs.

Looking after the DGC once or twice a week is lovely but taking on what amounts to a full-time job is too much as we get older. I'm glad you realise that NanaPlenty and have told them you just can't do it any more.

Now it's up to them to decide what to do.

Best chances come in many guises, education alone doesn’t cover it. ( IMO)

Not shocking, but very sad.

Esspee

I find it sad that these days parents put their careers before the needs of their children.

Yes, isn’t it shocking that parents work to put a roof over their children’s heads, food in their stomachs and try to give them the best chances in life.

I find it sad that these days parents put their careers before the needs of their children.

Helping look after the beloved grandchildren I get - but cleaning for them once a week?!? Is this a joke thread?!

Look on childcare.co.uk
I’m sure a Nanny, Registered Childminder or Mother’s Helper can be found.
Sometimes People fit work around other commitments when before and after school help is required and as hoc hours such as holidays-also a mix of one of the above and sch clubs - lots of options out there but ensure regulated and insured as First Aid and public liability required…
Also Care.com

I was a registered childminder for over 25 years until recently and often had children with similar requirements, being dropped off to mine early, taken to school and picked up later. Back at my house they would have tea and play or do homework until collected, holidays they stayed all day. It worked out ok as I had part time pre school children during school hours to keep.me busy. Ofsted registered childminders can be found on childcare.co.uk and local council websites

NanaPlenty - honestly I think you need to bow out of your child and house care duties and allow your daughter and son-in-law to enter the real world. They've got high-flying careers presumably with the same high-flying salaries, and two lovely children as well. They can't have everything and need to think about where the children feature in their lives. Not much of a life for them if they're up at the crack of dawn to make breakfast club and then hanging on at school for after school club, and then going home to parents who are too tired to do anything with them. They need to consider some stability for the children, a full-time nanny/housekeeper who will allow them a more leisurely routine in the morning, take them to school, come back and clean/tidy the house, prepare an evening meal for the children and the parents, supervise the children with their homework, and make the house welcoming for when the parents actually do get home. However, you have to pay for that sort of thing but at least it would enable your daughter and son-in-law to 'enjoy' their jobs and their children and homes too. I would suggest boundaries in that situation though because if they really are going to be at home for just a few hours each evening, then there should be no logging on to work at 7.30pm. This experience and advice come from counselling in family situations.

My daughter did school pick up , evening meal , homework, bathing and sometimes putting to bed for the 5 yo twins of a tv executive who was generally in work until late M -F. DD was at university and was glad of the cash and the availability of a well stocked fridge. If she needs cleaning duties and has house space I’d go down the au pair route.

I went to an agency for a mother's help when mine were younger and I was running a business. They lived in with full board and paid 7-11 and 3- 5. Did school runs walking distance, vaccumed dusting, loaded dishwasher and children's laundry.
Worked very well as in holidays took children out to parks, swimming etc
All were vetted by agency