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Grandparenting

Feel so useless and hopeless

(12 Posts)
Shelflife Wed 16-Mar-22 19:17:09

Madgran , I think that is sound advice. Madammim, ring the NSPCC and keep ringing till you get help , same with social services ! This is an appalling situation and your GD is the priority. You should not be left with this responsibility! Shout for help loud and often !!!

Madgran77 Wed 16-Mar-22 16:51:00

Try ringing NSPCC. That can help with contact to Social Services flowers

Humduh Wed 16-Mar-22 13:54:42

You see to be tired like you probably were when raising kids. Good luck

HurdyGurdy Wed 16-Mar-22 13:50:43

I'm a little confused. You say that you have got your granddaughter again - how did that happen? I would assume that your daughter has asked you to keep her, in which case I don't understand why you're being threatened about what they will do "when they pass the drugs tests". You're not stopping them from seeing their daughter - it is they who are not making the effort.

And who will be administering the drugs tests? They are eye-wateringly expensive, so aren't done lightly.

I think you need to get some advice for yourself and your granddaughter, as it sounds as though she would not be safe if she was just returned to either, or both, parents.

Unfortunately, the referral from the police will have to go through the police system before being made to social services, and will then again have to go through social services' system before any calls are made to you. And actually, because you don't have parental responsibility for your granddaughter, they may not call you - data protection etc etc etc . They may say they need consent from a parent with PR to talk to you.

However, if you were to call them, then they could listen to all your concerns and worries although they may not be able to discuss the child with you - despite you having her in your care - and could then make further enquiries.

BlueBelle Wed 16-Mar-22 13:43:48

Very very difficult situation for you but you are doing the right thing for your granddaughter
You need help though so yes you have to keep asking and take what ever help you can find
So 24 hours after taking baby back to her mum I have her again did you get asked by them to have the baby back or how did it happen that you got her back ? Because you say they are going to do things to you to get their baby back if doesn’t sound as if they voluntarily gave her to you
Yes the baby does need a routine and I m sure if you have her for any length of time she will get into one She is biting hitting scratching etc because she doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going and she doesn’t know who or where she will be with next she badly needs stability and routine and I m sure things will get better but you have to get it all on a legal level not yes you taking her when they are drunk if you are not able to look after her for age or health reasons then she needs foster parents
Keep ringing SS or your GP

HowVeryDareYou Wed 16-Mar-22 13:17:36

You must be at your wit's end and worn out. What terrible, self-indulgent people your daughter and her bloke are. Thank goodness the child has got you - you are very far from hopeless and useless. You're the only stable person in your grandchild's life.

Please, ring SS, ask for an urgent referral. The parents of the poor kid don't deserve to have her at all.

sodapop Wed 16-Mar-22 13:06:24

Definitely not useless Madammimim you are caring for your granddaughter under very difficult circumstances well done.
I think you have to put the child 's welfare above all else even your daughter and that is hard. I agree with Jane43 keep a record of events and keep plugging away at Social Care to get some support. Talk to your GP surgery about support available for you and your granddaughter. I wish you well it's a very difficult situation for you.

Jane43 Wed 16-Mar-22 12:51:18

Try to shake off the feelings of being useless and hopeless. You are far from that because you are doing a wonderful thing for your granddaughter by giving her a safe and secure environment. The fact that she is being aggressive to you indicates to me that she is expressing her anxiety and also possibly copying behaviour that she has seen or even experienced. Your daughter has in effect abandoned her daughter if she has made no attempt to collect her from your home. I don’t know how these things work but you may have to formalise things by involving social services who hopefully can advise you and provide some respite care for your Granddaughter to give you a break. I think I would keep a record of events in case you have to formally apply for care of your granddaughter. If your daughter continues to leave her daughter with you I doubt if she is entitled to claim child benefit for her and any other benefits she is in receipt of. I am surprised that you haven’t been able to contact social services because there are lots of issues and perhaps you should approach Citizens’ Advice if you can find time to do this. How does your daughter’s father feel about her living with him and have you spoken to him about it?

Skybubble Wed 16-Mar-22 12:26:47

This is a really difficult situation for you to be in and I admire you for taking responsibility for your dgd, yes it’s going to be tough but always remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. Maybe get in touch with the police again and ask for a update regarding the concerns that you have. SS can be a bit slow to get involved unfortunately which isn’t helpful. Your daughter needs to take a hair test because she won’t pass that if she’s recently been taking drugs.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 16-Mar-22 12:23:11

I’m so very sorry. You must be exhausted. I have no experience of this sort of thing but you paint a very clear picture of two uncaring and unsuitable parents. People who have the experience to give you good advice will come along. My only suggestion is to call the police again to chase up the referral to ss.
You have my sympathy.?

ShazzaKanazza Wed 16-Mar-22 12:21:23

Oh my goodness what an awful thing to go through. What disgraceful parents they are. It’s good you’ve got it off your chest. I’m so sorry for you. I don’t think there’s any advice I can give.
I know grandparents who had to take on their grandson as mum abandoned him with them and knew grandparents who had three dumped on them to bring up. They do the job because they can give the children a better life. But it’s hard and I just want to say I admire you.

Madammim1 Wed 16-Mar-22 11:58:32

My dd and her boyfriend split up and my dd went back to live at her dads with her 14month old dd.
My dd asked me to look after my dgd while she moved back and sorted stuff out which I did , so I had my dgd for 5 days then took her to her mum who within 12 hours was sat in a pub with the baby and less than 24 hours of me taking her back was in a pub drunk with the baby .
Now I've been told that although I know dd and the babys dad both drink excessively they also do drugs and this is while they have baby with them .
So 24 hours after taking baby back to her mum I have her again and in total since my dd moved her stuff into her dads she has seen baby 3 times for in total about 4 hours same as the dad .
I've had the threats about what they are going to do to me and how when they pass the drugs tests they are taking baby and I won't see her I've tried to get in touch with social services and couldn't so asked the police for some advice ,the police said they would make a safeguarding referral and ss would be in touch this was on Friday we are now on Wednesday and I've heard nothing from anyone .
My dd and her ex have seen baby for 2 hours since Sunday and despite both myself and my xh offering to take baby to meet up with them they haven't bothered meanwhile I'm managing on about 4 hours sleep a night and have to try and get baby into some sort of routine when she isn't smacking pinching nipping and scratching me . I never thought as a grandparent I'd feel so useless over what I can do .
Not really sure why I posted this but needed to get it off my chest .