To young to be an interest grandparent

Forgive me if this has already been said - I haven't got the energy to trawl through 8 pages ... But it seems to me that the first issue for you is to sort out with your husband whether or not to have another child. Did he want another child? Did you ever discuss having one? Is he perhaps using this as an excuse not to have another one? Surely that is the issue you need to agree on. And from there you will know how much time and energy (and money) you can offer to your son and his child? It sounds like you haven't mentally finished having your own family yet and now you're being pushed into being granny. Sort out what YOU want first; then you can sort out what you can offer. "They plan to half their time between both parents houses" - oh do they?? You need to stand your ground and be clear about what you can offer. It's their responsibility now to put a roof over their child's head - not yours (that's the difference between parents and grandparents). Good luck.

You are harsh You had your son at 16 but are outraged that he is having a baby at 20 ! Glad that the other granny has a better attitude

It sounds as though you are in shock over this situation and I'm sorry there have been very harsh comments in some posts.
I get the impression that, if your DS and his GF had been in a stable relationship for a long time preferably with a home of their own and had both decided to have a baby, you would feel differently and be looking forward to getting to know your GC.
That's not the position though and you're probably frightened that there is so much potential for people, including your as yet unborn GC, getting badly hurt through this situation. The strength of your reaction may be connected to that fear.
Working while looking after a young autistic child and considering having another child is a lot to deal with already.
You and your DH must try to be on the same page and think about your future family life - your son, with or without his girlfriend and baby will presumably not still be staying with you in a couple of years time.
Your husband may then regret not having another child of your own - especially if your son and girlfriend should split up and you end up hardly seeing your GC anyway.
In the meantime, you have to decide what to do.
I doubt having them moving between your house and her mum's house is sustainable or good for anyone - other than for a very short time. They need to sort out their own accommodation fairly quickly. Equally, you need to tell them what you can and cannot do to support them: whether you would put them up at all and, if so, for how long; whether you might be in a position to help financially either short or long term; reassure your son that you will always love him and will love your GC.
Your son is probably feeling lost and panicky given the circumstances and needs to know you love him and will help him within whatever limits you choose to set.
If you and your husband can't fully agree, perhaps it would be worth considering seeing a counsellor on your own to help you with the impact of all of this.
It is perfectly possible that your son and his girlfriend settle down, get their own home and you have a great relationship with them. I would try not to close the door on a relationship with his girlfriend or your grandchild but also avoid feeling pressured to change your plans and family life to solve their problems - they are adults even if they're still young. I hope things work out far better than you could imagine.

I think it's important to know and understand pitfalls so they can be avoided.

Think of it as a stop sign

Yes, but that doesnt pertain to the op's situation, nor anyone else on the thread.
Nobody has said they dislike their grandchild because they were born at the wrong time.

OnwardandUpward

Oh wow, Violetsky that's surely very annoying and frustrating! I have never done that, in all honesty. I know 100% my kids would hate it and have chosen to keep their kids off social media. It's sad for the kids when they ask why they can't see their GP.

If you love your kids, I can't see how you could fail to love their kids. It's beyond me.

Who can not love a baby because it was born at the wrong time?! Wow.

I do personally agree, I just do understand its not that easy for some people....

But children absolutely shouldn't ever suffer

MissAdventure

My daughter told me she felt very loved, despite never having met her grandparents on "his" side.
A middle ground, to me, would be supporting the son to be a proper grown up dad.

My situation is not the same as that, it's very different to be in the presence of someone who says they love you but their actions give a vastly different message.

Better to stay out of the lives of family you don't want a relationship with

It's fairly normal, from my experience.
His mother told everyone how tiny my daughter was, and how grateful she was to the prem unit, omitting to say she had never seen her.

Oh wow, Violetsky that's surely very annoying and frustrating! I have never done that, in all honesty. I know 100% my kids would hate it and have chosen to keep their kids off social media. It's sad for the kids when they ask why they can't see their GP.

If you love your kids, I can't see how you could fail to love their kids. It's beyond me.

Who can not love a baby because it was born at the wrong time?! Wow.

My daughter told me she felt very loved, despite never having met her grandparents on "his" side.
A middle ground, to me, would be supporting the son to be a proper grown up dad.

Lol MissA what is wrong with a middle ground when the opposite is children who don't feel loved?

I don't believe I've seen anyone saying they don't love their grandchildren.
It isn't necessary to turn into the Waltons to show and feel love.

Having children often leads to having grandchildren so if you aren't going to treat them with love then it is daft trying to have a relationship at all with either

It's because we are all ourselves, and that is enough.
I just saw that on the family sex website.

To be fair, the one thing I never really resented them for Onward was not being hands on grandparents. That was entirely their choice. I did resent all the photo opportunities etc that were posted to make it look like they were. Nothing worse than someone asking to hold your baby, demanding you take a picture and then immediately handing the baby back while they post the picture to Facebook and garner attention.

I do remember my children asking me why their grandparents weren't like other grandparents and that did upset me because I didn't have any answer except to say "some people don't like being with children but you are still great". Because at the time I was still trying to have that relationship and I didn't want my children to think badly of them.

But I think now that, there may not be an automatic bond with a grandchild, it doesn't work the same way as giving birth. For those who are naturally very maternal and love babies it's probably so much easier... But for others perhaps that bond comes with spending time with the child and they have to make that choice if they don't want to risk hurting the child in future

Seeing as the baby is already on the way , your options are

1) let your son go and be a Dad with his girlfriends parents or
2) Try to keep him at home and split him up with his girlfriend.

Surely number two is not even an option??? You need to let him go, with your blessing- to be a man.

It would solve a lot of problems if he did.
Or he could go really mad and find a place of his own.

They both work full time you say. Why can they not find their own accommodation. There will be benefits to help with rent. Also if DSs girlfriend's Mum is happy with part time living with her why not full time. You need to be clear with them both that what they think is going to work for them isn't going to work for you. If feel you can offer them support eg visiting to help with some chores, babysitting a couple of hours. At 20 he isn't old but isn't exactly a child either. Sure you will welcome your grandchild but work needs to be done to make your concerns known asap.

Wow that’s more than harsh.
If I was your son I’d pack my bags and go, say goodbye and go off to live happily with my partner and her mum, who seems to be much more prepared to be a grandmother.

I don’t blame you hon. You’re soo young still and you were practically a baby yourself when you got pregnant.
I think that’s how my mum felt when my eldest sister got pregnant with my niece.
Poor old mum had had 5 kids. I was the youngest and age 4 when my sister age 17 had her daughter.
My mum was about 38 then and felt like she was done with having kids and wanted her life back!

Wow, sorry to hear that Violetsky. At no point should a Grandparent ever mention abortion. It's just not their place or their decision.

I was quite a young Grandma and while I was stunned at how early, there's no way I'd have suggested abortion. We have always made the best of everything and my daughter inlaws parents did actually suggest there was an abortion. Things were very bad between them for a while, but they seem to have mended things now.

A grandchild is very different to a child. I think it's best to wait and bond with the baby when it's born. It's your son's baby and not the baby's fault when it's born. Babies need love and bring love. Just because you don't want to live with the baby does not mean you can't be a loving GP that has the baby to visit.

I was 41 when my 19 year old son and his girlfriend had a baby. It wasn't what I wanted for him and I felt I wasn't ready to be a nanny but it turned out to be the best thing ever. A grandchild is just wonderful whatever the circumstances and I don't see why it should stop you having more children if you want to. However I do think they should sort out their living arrangements, it isn't fair to presume they can live with you.

A grandparent (to my children) suggested I had options and even went so far as to say I should have had an abortion with different pregnancies... We have no contact now and looking back I wish those moments were when I made that choice. Others stronger than me would have walked away then. You absolutely can't take those words back sometimes

I hope OP is venting here but not saying things to her son she can't take back. Some words break relationships

How sad Nanashirlz ?

My oldest son and his ex gf had a child at similar age has yours. They were together 9wks when she fell. He had just starting in the military. He didn’t want any children then but unknown to him she wanted a baby of her own. She told me he didn’t know. She thought it would be a birthday surprise. I was in shock and told them they had opinions. Her parents didn’t like what i said and allowed us to get used to the baby. By the time he arrived I was looking forward to him. We got to see him for 4 months. Until my son came home one weekend to find them gone. Her parents and her and Baby moved to Australia. His name wasn’t on birth certificate because she did that when my son was away. My grandson is 16 now and all I have is photos. My message is be careful what you say. It might come back and haunt you. But when grandkids come along we all feel like we too young to be a grandparent. The love you have for your grandkids is on a whole new level. I dot mine.