To young to be an interest grandparent

Well they do sound harsh but you don't have to agree to them living with you, to presume that is rude. You are also allowed to have another child and still have have a relationship with your grandchild.

Would it be worth having a talk with the others parents so you can encourage your son and partner to find their own housing?

Firstly you never know how you will feel about a child until he/she is born, I guess your son wasn’t planned at 16 but I’m sure your love for him was overwhelming.

At 20 your son and his partner are very young, you wouldn’t really expect them to have savings, I do feel though that living between two homes is not at all practical or good for the baby.

I would speak firstly to your husband and then to your son and his partner and state a firm no to them living with you, even if it is only part time, it is unlikely to work.

Good luck.

Tried that. Her mother is over the moon about the whole thing and is VERY keen for her not to move out.

I just don't want to be roped into a situation that can be ripped away at a drop of a hat if they fall out. They've known each other less than 1 year!

My husband is adament this is the end of the road for our family being expanded. He's ready for a pipe and slippers at 39!

I just feel all over the place.

There's no talking to my son he just storms off declaring I'm totally unsupportive. That's not the case I would give him my last breath but I'm not giving up my settled family home for complete turmoil.

One of my friends was in the same situation as you - first child at 16 buy grandparent at 38 , when in fact her youngest daughter was 18 months old.
She said the same thing as you, but changed her mind when the baby arrived!
She has never been much of a hands on granny, mainly because of the distance that she lives from all of her grandchildren but she has always loved spending time with them whenever they visit her.
Sometimes when it isn't your daughter, you can sometimes take a bit of a step back and not be so involved .

Have this feckless couple discussed the arrangements for their baby, not just hers, with you , or simply informed you? I suppose their attitude is , well you had a baby at sixteen and you managed so we will too.
Time is of the essence as there are less than four months left to make arrangements, and some serious talking needs to be done between the couple and both sets of parents.
You are absolutely entitled to feel as you do, and I don't agree with isn't it wonderful they are having a baby , when they have no home and a very immature attitude towards all family relationships.

So your son is 20?

Babies aren't always expected, you know that.

However this baby deserves to be loved.

You are putting blame in all the wrong places. This baby is not at fault for your husband saying no more. This baby is not at fault for the living arrangements of the parents. This baby is not at fault for anything....

If you can love and want your own baby you should be able to love and want a grandchild and not feel resentful.

If you don't want the baby living with you part time then say so, it's your home.

If you want your son to move out then say so, it's your home.

But don't shut yourself down from being a grandparent of this grandchild or either you will eventually regret these feelings or it's going to put an awful strain on the relationship with your own child.

Well my sons attitude is totally " you had me at 16" but the point is I never once asked for support from anyone.
Yes my mother was very supportive but I never expected anything from anyone.
They are expecting everything and for me just to accept it this is the way it is.
I gave up alot to have my son and put up with a lot of opinions from alot of people ( including my now inlaws) I don't regret it but now I feel I don't want walked over any longer and I'm now aloud my own opinions without other family members telling me what I should be feeling and thinking.

Where were you living when you became pregnant? Did you have a full time job? Did you have savings? Were you ready?

That support you got from your own mother, you may not have asked for it but how much did it mean to you?

I think you need to take a step back from this and think. Your life is obviously where you want it to be now but there is no reason not to expect your son to find his feet too.

Helping him find his feet is support

Yes I was working fulltime when I had my son & moved out into my own flat.
Since then I am now a practice manager and my husband is a gp.
Yes we struggled but we got there.
I'm not disowning my son, I just don't want them living with me. I have said I will emotionally support him as much as I can but I am not having a child split between 2 houses.
I have another child who is 5 and has autism I already have enough on my plate.
They are taking no responsibility for their actions.

I think I would feel exactly as you do Lomond. I would feel so angry at their irresponsible attitude and presumption that they can live with you part time (and I assume have you look after the baby while they’re at work). If her mother is over the moon with the situation perhaps they can live with her.

You may well feel differently about the baby once it’s born so try to keep an open mind on that front. You don’t want to end up estranged from your son.

As regards you having another baby, the arrival of a grandchild shouldn’t end your dreams and if he would otherwise like to have one more child I hope your husband will agree. You are still a young woman and a grandchild shouldn’t put an end to the life you want to live.

@Lomond “I dont want her and her baby staying in my house.”
The expected baby will be your sons too. You’re expressed view is very old fashioned and a bit offensive. I’m reality they may well settle at her Mums because it’s easier and more welcoming. Your role is to help your son be the best father that he can be.

I think if the other Mum is so keen, they can live with her full time for now? with a view to renting very immediately?

You can't be expected to look after them or have them live with you, it just isn't necessary for a start if they both have jobs!

There is nothing stopping you having another baby.

You sound like you are in shock let the dust settle a bit first

Thank you very much
Germanshepherdsmum.
I do not want people thinking I have an old fashioned way of thinking because trust me I don't.
There is a lot of background to this story ( my son didn't want children, she came off contraception without telling him...) but that wasn't the point of my thread hence why I didn't mention.
I just was looking for some emotional support.
I'm not saying my feelings won't change but right now they both are putting a lot of preasure on us to take on this spilt house role.
Her mother doesn't see a problem with it shes just on cloud 9 regardingthe whole thing, I just feel a bit of a loan ranger at the moment .

Thank you JaneJudge
I suppose I am in shock, I feel at 36 with all my little birds still in the nest I didn't think I would have to deal with this at the moment.

It is completely understandable

I can appreciate what you’re saying, but you did have your son at 16, so somewhere along the line, I would have thought you may have expected this.

In reality....you’ll most probably feel very differently once the baby comes along. I also think it’s more likely...in reality, the girl’s mum will have more involvement.

I see no reason for you to assume responsibility. Go ahead and have more children.

Sago's right Lomond, you wont know how you'll feel about this baby until s/he is born, that said at 36 being told you can't have anymore of your own when you and your DH hadn't yet made that decision is ridiculous.

I totally agree with eazybee, and 'children' having children is never a good idea. Your son is 20 but you haven't said how old his GF. He sounds as if he has some growing up to do.

You and your H need to discuss this so so you are both 'on the same page' then jointly talk to your son, setting out in no uncertain terms what you are and are not prepared to do to help out, once the baby arrives including living arrangements.

Get this done asap and then, you may be able to look forward to being a GM, despite your youthfulness.

The girlfriend stopping her contraception without saying anything is pretty despicable in my book and I don’t blame you for feeling as you do when she has effectively sought to trap your son into fatherhood when (unsurprisingly at 20) that wasn’t what he wanted. If it were my son I would be furious with her but try to hold my tongue.

He is obviously an honourable young man to be sticking by her but the relationship may not last especially given the devious circumstances in which the baby was conceived.

Stick to your guns and let them live with the girlfriend’s mother until they can save a deposit for a rental. You don’t need this hassle in your own home and maybe the upheaval wouldn’t help your autistic child either.

Carry on giving your son emotional support, as I’m sure you will. He must feel very worried and trapped. I have a feeling he might want to come back home (alone) before too long.

When I was pregnant with my son my mum was also pregnant with my little sister. It was a shock for us both. She couldn’t help me with my son due to having a baby as well. But I didn’t live with her so that was a huge difference.
I’ve just been with my daughter who is 35 with her new baby and couldn’t imagine her being in your position. I do understand where you are coming from and don’t think it sounds harsh. You have a lot to deal with.

I agree GSM, not the best beginning is it.

Thank you for the kind opinions and advice.
As I said I didn't feel relevant in my original post to mention the contraception thing.
I am fuming and very much trying to hold my tongue.
I'm as pleasant as can be when I'm around her otherwise I'll explode and I don't want to put my son in that position when we are all in the same room.
Only time shall tell.

Eazybee. I think “feckless” is a little harsh. They do both work full time. Granted they’ll need to stop the lavish spending now .

I forgot to mention his GF is 21 next month for those who asked.

Harsh imo
…. you had your child at 16 but are not happy with your son being 20 surely you expected to become a grandmother early Had he have followed your example you would have been a grandmother for four years
You have very hostile feelings about your sons partner so I wouldn’t think she will want to stay at your house with you anyway will she?
At the moment your son lives with you and she lives with her parents maybe it ll stay that way

There’s no need to not have another child yourself that’s for you and your husband to work out is he using the grandparent bit as an excuse ?

You say you moved into your own flat when you were 16 but no 16 year old would earn enough money to rent a flat so presumable you had help either from your parents or the state and if you carried on working full time the same goes for child care either your parents or nursery/ childminders helped you

This post is not a criticsm of you although you won’t like reading it I think you are shocked and in great disappointment but wait and see you may fall in love with this little one or you may hand everything over to her family and not have anything to do with it but that’s your choice

Let’s hope your son the girlfriend and her parents pull up their socks for the babies sake