To young to be an interest grandparent

How long for?

This is your Grandchild
Cant unerstand how you can be so heartless
You should support your son.and partner and give this child a chance of a loving family

Yes you will be a young gran but I don't think 20 and 21 is particularly young to have a family, however, the way it has come about suggests the relationship may not last so I would make as good a bond with the baby as you can. If someone told you about the baby but said you could have nothing to do with it or see it how would you feel, would you really not care?

I was upset when my daughter and her husband decdied to adopt. They never tried for a "natural" baby. I was really worried I'd not love him, I DO. He is my grandson, I hate that I see him only once or twice a year and his other grandparents (who have other grandchildren living close by) see him at least once a week.

Although I can understand your shock, none of this is the new baby's fault. Just love your grandchild. I hope your husband will be persuaded to become a dad again. You are all so young and close in age that it must be hard to get your heads around this. In time you will. Your son must take pride in his new role and get his priorities right to provide for his child himself.

An old friend of mine had her first child at 15. 14 years later her daughter presented them with their first grandchild, my friend was only 29 and a grandmother. She went on to have two more children, one of them born on the same day as her second grandchild. The closeness of all their ages and their youth made them a very close, supportive family. The young grandparents had the youth and energy to enjoy having babies and small children around, which many older GPs don't.

Personally I think your negative attitude. and particularly that of your husbands. is ridiculous. There is no reason at all why you should not have more children of your own. You are your own family, what your son and his GF choose to do is irrelevant. If you continue with your current attitude you will alienate your son and his GF and worse still miss out on the joys of being a grandparent, and a parent again yourself. Your grandchild, and your own future child(ren), will just accept their extended family for what it is - hopefully a happy family.

In past generations it was very common for women to still be having their own children after they had become grandparents. Why should it matter now?

Life takes unexpected twists and turns and doesn't always follow the path we had envisaged or planned. Embrace the changes, look at them a different way. You're going to be grandparents! Young, youthful, energetic, full of life and enthusiasm, and with time to see your grandchild become an adult, too many older grandparents don't have that privilege. Stop complaining that your life is being turned upside down and not going how you expected it to and just get on with it. Your son and GF need your support now (not financially or materially) just to know that you're on their side and are there for them, and most importantly for you grandchild.

I find it difficult to put myself in your shoes but I have now been a grandmother for 3 years and one thing I have now understood- that I would have been totally disbelieving about beforehand- is how much I love my grandchildren. I look after the oldest one day every week and ( as I am 60) I am exhausted at the end of the day but I honestly never expected to have such a bond and to love her so much.
I have a friend who was in your situation but was a decade older and her son and girlfriend split up after 18 months and he did for a while stay at her house (with child half the time ) but now has moved on… she has grandchild one day and night each week and has a 13 year old herself. The relationship with grandchild is so special… but like you I honestly wasn’t bothered about it beforehand.
Whatever happens, if you love them all, it’ll pan out! Good luck!

Hi there.

How were Your parents when you became pregnant and subsequently had Your Son...?

I don’t understand your attitude at all. Thus will be your sons child. Like it or not you’ll be a grandma. Why not rejoice in your grandchild? I know ours of people who would give their eye teeth to be a grandmother

I wish I had been younger when I became a gran. With a lot more energy and be able to play football etc. with them.
Just enjoy it when it comes. Think of all the things you will be able to do and the age gap with your own 5 year old won't be that much.
Someone I know remarried and had another child at the age I was when I became a gran and it is starting to take its toll much as they vowed it wouldn't.

Is it possible that part of their immature muddled thinking on this is that your son doesn't want to abandon you by moving out and that they both think that you will feel left out of they move in with her Mum full time? If that was the case they might be relieved to be reassured that you wouldn't feel that way.

An unplanned pregnancy upends the lives of everyone -- the child's parents, grandparents, and others. However, this child did not ask to be born and deserves love and care. You own your feelings of disappointment and anger toward you son and GF, and the circumstances are not ideal, but everyone will get through this. Perhaps some therapy could help you to process your feelings and prepare you to accept the grandchild into this world. This child's soul journey is not yours to decide.

I think you need some time to think this through,could you chat to your friends and explain your feelings or go for counseling,as these are your feelings.Your life will obviously change so much it is hard to accept,especially as everyone will be talking about the baby.That said it may work out better than you think,the very best for the future.

Something similar happened to a good friend. Her son fathered 2 children before he was 18. Same girl - he walked away, but then the girl met someone who didn’t want her children, so my friend stepped in and took them (under some pressure from Social Services). She did the best she could and now both have had babies - her GS at 16 and her GD at 17 and 19.
She’s very disappointed and says it’s like history repeating itself. She’s 65, her DH has MS and she’s chosen to have little to do with her GC and GGC now.

I first became a grandmother at 60.
Then again at 70.
It was a shock to my system.

Believe me, the younger you are, the more energy you will have to cope with grandchildren.

My advice would be, your son and girlfriend live permanently with her parents until they can afford to buy or rent.
Why do they have to split up for half the year?

Lomond - your life is your own, anything you choose to do for your son and family is completely at your discretion. I’m sure that you will help out where possible, but at twenty your son can organise his own situation .

I became a grandparent at 38. It isn't ideal. Although it was my dd and not a son becoming a parent, I think that's different.
The parents and baby lived with me for a while.
Yes it was difficult.
I felt very lucky to have been able to bond with my gc right from birth.
I totally understand your concern that if you bond and they split up there's a chance the mother may withdraw access from you. Sadly that happens, but not in every case.
You must be terribly disappointed about not having another child of your own. I hope you and your DH can have further discussions around this.
Not everyone wants to be a grandparent, or a hands on grandparent.
Emotionally 20 is very young to be responsible for a child. Your son will need some support I'd imagine.
I have two GC now, they don't live with me and I'm happy to see them come and watch them leave when I'm exhausted.

You need to have an honest conversation with your son & his GF.
You need to do this matter of factly to talk about their expectations on you & your husband.
They need to realise that their "lavish lifestyles" will now be curtailed somewhat.
This will be your grandchild however you feel about it....a baby who is innocent

Are you able to provide financial support as in half the rent of a flat for the children that are having children? Thus avoiding unwanted lodgers
I know that people have always had unplanned families but it seems the norm nowadays. There was a phase about 20 years ago when nearly every 16 year old girl had a child. The unborn child is lucky in that the father (your son) wants to be involved. too many children never know their father.
You may feel different when the child is born but surely the decision about your future child bearing years should be a joint decision between you and your partner. is it correct that it is a unilateral decision?
when I was a child my friend was one of 19.( 2 died at childbirth ). She was the youngest ( her mother stopped as she was widowed shortly after child birth otherwise there would have been more kids) but her nephew was 6 weeks older than her. I say that as it was obvious her mother never curtailed her childbearing years by the fact her son had decided to have children - his wife had miscarried before so she had been pregnant before her mother in law decided to have more children. Is the unborn child an excuse by your husband not to have more children as he never wanted more in the first place?
Whatever the outcome, i wish luck to you all as children can be a blessing but also a curse

I became a Grandma when I was 37 too.
You may feel that you’re too young to be a grandma, I’m sure that people told you that you were too young to be a Mum at 16 too.
Surprise! You aren’t too young for either.

My eldest DC was born when I was 16.
Like you, I built a good life for us, I have a degree, a masters and both my DH and I earn good salaries.

I haven’t read the whole thread.
However, I have read your posts @Lomond.

• One of the reasons that your son is both able to spend money lavishly and assume that he will live a comfortable life is that you have given him a comfortable life. There’s nothing wrong with that, you have done exactly what I have done. But you can’t expect him to know what it is to struggle. I’m assuming that, like me, you kept any financial struggles well away from your DC.

• You say that his girlfriend trapped him. Hold up a second there i) it takes two to make a baby, your son could have used a condom. He didn’t. Don’t deflect all of your frustration and upset onto the girlfriend. She didn’t ‘trap’ him, the uncomfortable truth is that he ‘trapped’ himself. Besides, when you had your son at 16 didn’t people, even those whispering behind their hands, say that you ‘trapped’ your boyfriend? It’s certainly something that people said about me at the time, which was laughable as I came from a wealthy household and would have been much more comfortable where I was.

• At the moment you are reacting. Take a breath, give yourself a moment. I guarantee that everything will look clearer a week or two from now. Until then, keep your counsel, think it through, talk it through with your DH. Try to imagine what you would say to a friend in a similar position. Be your own friend.

• If you don’t want or can’t have your grandchild living with you, then don’t. However, make it very clear from the beginning what you will and won’t do. If you say ‘yes’ now then change your mind that’s worse than saying ‘no’ now.

• Your grandchild will be a whole, new individual. Your relationship with them will be individual too. I would be very surprised if you didn’t adore them, entirely on their own merits.

• You say that you are considering having more children of your own, you can be a grandma and have your own baby too. Why not?

• However, you do say that you have a 5 year old with ASC and that you have enough to cope with. I wonder whether you really want another baby? Or whether you just want to feel that the option is open to you? In which case yes, of course the option is still open to you.

• Finally, most importantly, you won’t believe this now - but I promise you that everything will be alright. It will all work out for you, for them, for the baby.

I’m going to bet that you absolutely adore this grandchild.

Good luck.

Lomond. It sounds like you are mourning the life you wanted your son to have. You can’t change anything though apart from your mindset. Time for them to grow up, take responsibility for their lives and their child. With your support, emotionally and financially it might all work out - there are no guarantees, However I would say as others have, please don’t have them to live in your house. Stick to your guns but keep supporting them and probably keep quiet on how you are feeling too. If they live with the other grandparents your life will not be so disrupted, you may not be so resentful and you may come to enjoy (and even love) spending time with your grandchild. Forget the ‘grand’ bit, this is a child who didn’t ask to be born but deserves to be loved and looked after.

I think the issue of your husband not wanting any more children might have arisen whether there was a new baby coming or not. Time to have a conversation with your husband - he has a right to an opinion too.
I wish you all the best in coming to terms with this, all (grand)children are precious. You love your son and I am sure that in time you will love his child.

I haven't read the while thread but feel for you and can see things from your perspective. I was a young mum at 18 and struggled financially, my Mum was a gran at 41 and working. She was supportive but myself and my husband had to make our own home and our own way. It's hard to be strong and dole out some tough love. All I will say (having become a Nanna age 49 and again at 50) is you are going to love this babe and being supportive will give mum and dad of baby best chance at making it work (not suggesting they move in btw). Just my opinion. Ps like you still married to babies dad, 33 years and counting. Good luck! Xx

@nannan2 yes it was a very irresponsible suggestion.

It sounds like there’s a lot going on here- many relationship issues that may not really have anything to do with becoming a grandmother but which are being exposed by this situation.

Your son’s GF has been staying every other weekend already and not showing courtesy and respect for your home which has built resentment. Their lack of care with money ( typical for their age) has built resentment. Are you also, perhaps, resentful your son hasn’t been more willing to ask his GF to show respect for you and your home?

It sounds like you and your husband have a separate conversation you need to have. Perhaps he’s only using the prospect of a grandchild to force a previously held preference for no more children on you. It might have more to do with you and him than with your son’s situation.

Please don’t project I’ll feelings you have about the circumstances of this precious child’s conception and birth onto him or her. It’s easy to do but terribly unfair.

I’ve found when I disentangle the threads of complex situations and try to honestly work through my feelings about each one I can usually find a way forward. All your feelings are legitimate but they may not actually all be stemming from the same source.

I hope you find being a grandmother more joyful than you can imagine right now.

How hypocritcal of you! This young girl has done no more than you did yourself, yet you condemn her and take the high dudgeon. You do realise, I assume, that in rejecting your grandchild you are also rejecting your son. If you are happy to lose him, then carry on with your self centred attitude and be aware that in years to come you may well regret your rejection of his little family