To young to be an interest grandparent

It sounds like some family therapy may help. A safe space where you can all express your thoughts and feelings and try to find a practical resolution. If both the new parents are working could you all help them find a flat and organise a proper childcare rota. They probably need to live independantly to allow them to take responsibility for their own lives. Good luck I completely understand your feelings and I think they should be respected,

What a rotten situation. They must take responsibility for their own baby. Of course you will support them when you can , but not by having them live with you. It sounds as if you have enough on your plate.
The baby needs stability and if her mother is happy, that’s where they should be.
Tell your son to take his own measure for contraception in future.

I met my husband at 16 got married at 17 he was 19 and we’re still together. Had 1st son at 17 next two sons 21 and 26.;grandma at 46. We worked at everything and hit life’s ups and downs celebrating 45 years of marriage next week. It’s about how you feel and the relationship that you have. I hope they both surprise you and do well. Need to get there own place though I agree.

My son was 20 and his girlfriend only 17 when she got pregnant - my youngest was only 10 and my son had always said he didn’t want children after he saw how much hard work our youngest was (special needs too so extra difficult!). However, they both work, she continued with her education as well as holding down a job and they have both shown enormous maturity - far more than I imagined. I am not a hands on grandparent - I am very happy for her mother to be as I also work full time and more, and have a very full life, but also love the relationship I have with them all and especially my granddaughter who is now 4. I get to take her out for days occasionally and spoil her and I call her my mini me as she is so like me and my side rather than her mums side. She is such a little sweetie and I couldn’t imagine now being without her. I was very happy when they lived at her mums for the first couple of years til they could get a place together which they have done, and I support them how and when I can. The most important thing though I would say is hold your judgement - they could yet surprise you and you don’t want to put up barriers that can’t be undone later. I am proud of both my son and his GF of how they have coped - and no I wouldn’t have said that at the beginning.

If I was in your shoes Lomond I wouldn't be so harsh....You sound very angry...Poor wee baby going to be here and will need loads if love from all the family...Yes set boundaries for your son & partner but give them a chance... You must have had lots of help when you were 16 and no matter what age you are you need support when you have your first baby...Grandchildren are a pure blessing and bring so much joy....

How is your relationship with your son (both you and your husband). Is he treated like an adult or a child? How big is your house.? Do the couple live totally independent of each other now? Do they “pay their way” when with you? If they work full time, what are they planning re childcare? Loads of questions, I know, but a good discussion is needed with both families. I think you are leaving it a bit late to sort out.

There seems to be so much going on in your situation. Would you feel different if your husband was keen for another child? Also I’m thinking your son wasn’t planned so you’re maybe feeling a bit annoyed that the same thing has happened with him and his g/f? You will love your little grandchild when s/he arrives I’m sure but you have a lot to cope with at the moment. Give yourself time to think things thru and try and focus on any positives.
Also, there’s no reason why should let your son and his family live with you. If they both work they can surely afford to rent a place? They have got themselves into this situation and it’s up to them to deal with it.
Good luck ?

My son and his girlfriend had children very young and as predicted the strain on them both has meant the relationship has broken down 9 years and 3 children later. However we did provide some support in order to give their children the best chance of having a reasonably stable home life. This child will be your grand child whether you like it or not. If you do not want to become estranged from your son, or be the cause of him losing shared residency, if the relationship dies not survive, I think you you should try help them find somewhere to rent in preference to them living 100% with your son's partners mother.
I do not think you need to get involved in their day to day childcare arrangements, but I think you need to keep a watching eye over your son's mental health under the strain of young parenthood. Suicide rates of young men are at an all time high.

My grandparents had a child after I was born, she and I are good friends it’s never been a problem for us so don’t see why it would be for you

I’d be angry too. You have to hide this though and pretend all is ok in front of them. Can you have an honest discussion with your husband about all of this & solutions?
Can you sit down quietly with your son and tell him it won’t work to live between 2 homes with the baby- unsettling, expensive, disruptive to your autistic child etc. Tell him you don’t mind if they base themselves at her mums & visit you say on a Sunday. Better still would be if they got their own place- maybe as others have said you could maybe help with the deposit? Let us know how things develop as a problem shared etc……

As someone who has had three generations living in my home, I support you for not wanting this. It's very, very hard. I would say that, unless you have grown up in a family that had multiple generations living together in harmony, avoid it.

I also felt a bit young to become a gran. But being a gran is not the same as being a parent. You have no rights and no responsibilities.

To those saying "sign up with a HA" fine, but this will not work unless the couple are living somewhere that is considered "overcrowded". Also, many HA properties have rent that is very expensive, these days. I don't think there are any council properties and even a HA property is not a "cheap" choice these days. I would recommend that they live with her Mother. It will mean your son moving out (and that's a loss) but no doubt he will visit? And try to stay on good terms with her parents.

Do what you are comfortable with. No Grandparent should have to change their life plans because their child chose to reproduce. It's not your child. It's your Grandchild, so the responsiblity is once removed from you.

Three of our dds friends all had a first child st 40 and 41 so 36 is no age, not these days. At 27 I had Old first time mother ( in Latin) in large capital letters on my file.
I was the oldest on the ward, most of the others were still teenagers. Times change.

When I was 36 my younger child was 6

I was pregnant!
I hope Lomond and her DH can carry on with their own plans, 36 is certainly not too old to be a parent.

I agree Chew. My child was wanted and has always been much loved. I don’t have grandchildren and maybe never will but I can’t imagine my feelings for a grandchild comparing with the love I have for my son.

I am very doubtful about how this is all going to work out. The couple don't seem to have been together very long, aren't living together and, I suspect, have very little idea how a baby takes over your life. The idea of moving between their homes complete with baby sounds lovely until you try it.

When I was 36 my younger child was 6. The idea of a grandchild would have horrified me at that age, I was still too involved with being a parent.

If you can love and want your own baby you should be able to love and want a grandchild and not feel resentful.

I don't agree with this. The love you have for your own much wanted and longed for child cannot be compared to, or replaced by, someone else's child - even a grandchild - and to suggest that Lomond should love and want someone else's child as a replacement for her own must be very hurtful indeed. I can easily understand that, at just 36 years old, she's being asked to take on a role that she's nowhere near ready to face - and her feelings of anger and resentment about the impact that it will have on her own young life are just as valid as anyone else's.

She was the daughter of Jack Cohen who founded Tesco, Since she was condemned of gerrymandering I have avoided using Tesco whereever I can, and it is very easy to do so.

Yes indeed PECS.

silverlining48 Are you remembering Lady Porter? How to win votes & influence people!!

I'd be supportive - but no way would I allow them to live in my house. I think it's totally different being a paternal grandparent. Daughters usually gravitate towards their parents when a baby's on the way.

Ideally, they do need their own home, though - so now's the time to plan towards it. They can apply directly to housing associations and get on the council waiting list too. Here, there's never a council house available, just 'temporary' private rented accommodation for council tenants.

If the son and girlfriend do stay together, make sure he knows he needs to take responsibility for contraception. I know two men (unrelated) whose partners quickly got pregnant a 2nd time. Both blokes weren't aware that the first time wasn't an accident. But both felt duped the 2nd time.

I have to be honest, with both of them, first time round, I felt for them. The 2nd time? Clearly they learned nothing from the 1st time.

My son became a father for the first time at 19, I am not revealing anymore details as to do so will ''out'' me.

My guess about the girlfriend's mother is she is in love with being a grandmother and cannot see ahead beyond a lovely little baby to fuss over. They do not stay babies or little children for long.

I now have a grown up grandchild living with me, she was once a lovely little baby as well.

Two thoughts. Firstly, this is the son's 'problem' - an unplanned baby. The OP's job is to support her son. He is probably scared, excited, lost, worried but has accepted his role as father. Good for him. OP needs to support him best she can. Ideally help the young couple set up a home for the family. To be honest doesn't sound like 'dad' was part of girlfriend's plan when she decided SHE WANTED A BABY. My money is on the OP's son not being with the GF and looking for access before long. Hope not.

Second thought: friend of mine was adopted (1950's). When she looked up her real family later in life she found out the grandparents forced their daughter to put the unplanned baby up for adoption, against her will as she was under age. After having the baby she stayed at home under protest then promptly left when she became of age. The grandparents realised they had not only lost their daughter but also their first grandchild. They died shortly after, heartbroken. I would urge the OP to focus on being there for her son. Doesn't mean she has to take them all in indefinitely but to help them become an independent family in their own home as soon as possible.

It seems it varies from borough to borough.
I stand corrected.

GagaJo

I didn't think there was an earning cap on social housing?

there is a cap for applying for social housing