To young to be an interest grandparent

I was a lot older than you Lomond when I first became a grandmother and, even so, felt I wasn't ready. However, to my surprise, GD and I clicked from the start and we have a great relationship (even though I don't get on with her mother!).

Do try to keep an open mind about the baby, even if you're annoyed about the circumstances. They're not the baby's fault!

As for you having more children, there's absolutely no need to be put off by being a grandmother. A friend of mine had an older half sister who was grown and married when she was born, and said friend had a nephew a year younger than her. Also, in larger families, and especially in the past, the eldest child has been grown up and has left home before the youngest was even born. Sometimes they hardly know each other.

Your reason for having another baby yourself could be to give your grandchild someone to play with!

If you truly want to avoid an outcome- why put the solution on another person's hands?

Lucca- autocorrect fail

Luca
Because only one method of contraception is not 100% effective - except abstinence

Of course your allowed your feelings lomond and if she stays with you every weekend and you aren’t hostile towards her that’s got to be good That didn’t come across in your original posts hence my answer
Of course it was irresponsible to stop taking contraception but the fact that your sons still with her suggests they either agreed to do that together or he is happy with the idea of becoming a Dad anyway I totally agree they should have their own place but that obviously isn’t going to happen They haven’t been left a large amount of money and now it is far far harder to get somewhere with a small baby than perhaps 20 years ago
They both work full time so they are not entirely feckless but they haven’t thought it through have they ?
But the deed is done. not much you can do now, hopefully they will both go and live with the other grandparents and mess up their home but things may be different when you welcome your own blood into the world
You may not like the carrier but the baby is part of you

Hithere. How can you blame the son for the contraception when they clearly had agreed a method which the girlfriend stopped ? Why would he suddenly use a condom if he had no idea the contraception had been stopped??

Lomond
If, as you say “I already have enough on my plate” are you considering having another child?

How about your son cleaning up her mess after she leaves?

All I am saying is that your son picked her, let's not demonize her as irresponsible when he seems to be too

I am all for helping young couples get on their feet, however

1. They like a lavish life and are not savers
Are they planning to continue that the expense of the grandparents filling the gap?

2. What did your son do to avoid pregnancy? Condoms? Abstinence?

I am not condoning she lied. The woman is not the only one responsible for contraception

3. Another baby of your own
Did your husband change his mind at some point?
Please do not blame this gc for this, it may be a factor but it is not the culprit

Thank you smileless2012. ?

Not that it's anyone's business how I could afford my flat but I was left a substantial amount if money from my grandmother which I got when I turned 16.
My child did have a child minder from the age of 12 months when I returned to work.
I am not saying 20 is too young for him to have a child but the circumstances in which this child was conceived is deceitful.
My original post was because I don't think they should assume living with me is an option.
I am not hostile in front if her as I wouldn't hurt my son in thar way.
I feel they should be looking for their own place.
She stays in our house every weekend and she is messy and lazy and I say nothing. I clear up everything once she goes on a Monday . So to say I'm hostile is a bit unfair.
I'm aloud my opinions when it comes to my son.
They are both very immature and don't take responsibility for anything.

I moved into a flat at the age of 16, sharing with a friend Bluebelle. No help from anyone. Worked full time, paid half of everything and often only half the months rent was paid on time because my older flatmate never had her half on time, and the electricity bill was rarely paid in full for the same reason.

It's doable.

Well I'll modify my first post by saying not feckless for the son but most definitely feckless of his GF to come off contraception without his knowledge and becoming pregnant.

Oh I'd be fuming too Lomond.

Harsh imo
…. you had your child at 16 but are not happy with your son being 20 surely you expected to become a grandmother early Had he have followed your example you would have been a grandmother for four years
You have very hostile feelings about your sons partner so I wouldn’t think she will want to stay at your house with you anyway will she?
At the moment your son lives with you and she lives with her parents maybe it ll stay that way

There’s no need to not have another child yourself that’s for you and your husband to work out is he using the grandparent bit as an excuse ?

You say you moved into your own flat when you were 16 but no 16 year old would earn enough money to rent a flat so presumable you had help either from your parents or the state and if you carried on working full time the same goes for child care either your parents or nursery/ childminders helped you

This post is not a criticsm of you although you won’t like reading it I think you are shocked and in great disappointment but wait and see you may fall in love with this little one or you may hand everything over to her family and not have anything to do with it but that’s your choice

Let’s hope your son the girlfriend and her parents pull up their socks for the babies sake

I forgot to mention his GF is 21 next month for those who asked.

Eazybee. I think “feckless” is a little harsh. They do both work full time. Granted they’ll need to stop the lavish spending now .

Thank you for the kind opinions and advice.
As I said I didn't feel relevant in my original post to mention the contraception thing.
I am fuming and very much trying to hold my tongue.
I'm as pleasant as can be when I'm around her otherwise I'll explode and I don't want to put my son in that position when we are all in the same room.
Only time shall tell.

I agree GSM, not the best beginning is it.

When I was pregnant with my son my mum was also pregnant with my little sister. It was a shock for us both. She couldn’t help me with my son due to having a baby as well. But I didn’t live with her so that was a huge difference.
I’ve just been with my daughter who is 35 with her new baby and couldn’t imagine her being in your position. I do understand where you are coming from and don’t think it sounds harsh. You have a lot to deal with.

The girlfriend stopping her contraception without saying anything is pretty despicable in my book and I don’t blame you for feeling as you do when she has effectively sought to trap your son into fatherhood when (unsurprisingly at 20) that wasn’t what he wanted. If it were my son I would be furious with her but try to hold my tongue.

He is obviously an honourable young man to be sticking by her but the relationship may not last especially given the devious circumstances in which the baby was conceived.

Stick to your guns and let them live with the girlfriend’s mother until they can save a deposit for a rental. You don’t need this hassle in your own home and maybe the upheaval wouldn’t help your autistic child either.

Carry on giving your son emotional support, as I’m sure you will. He must feel very worried and trapped. I have a feeling he might want to come back home (alone) before too long.

Sago's right Lomond, you wont know how you'll feel about this baby until s/he is born, that said at 36 being told you can't have anymore of your own when you and your DH hadn't yet made that decision is ridiculous.

I totally agree with eazybee, and 'children' having children is never a good idea. Your son is 20 but you haven't said how old his GF. He sounds as if he has some growing up to do.

You and your H need to discuss this so so you are both 'on the same page' then jointly talk to your son, setting out in no uncertain terms what you are and are not prepared to do to help out, once the baby arrives including living arrangements.

Get this done asap and then, you may be able to look forward to being a GM, despite your youthfulness.

I can appreciate what you’re saying, but you did have your son at 16, so somewhere along the line, I would have thought you may have expected this.

In reality....you’ll most probably feel very differently once the baby comes along. I also think it’s more likely...in reality, the girl’s mum will have more involvement.

I see no reason for you to assume responsibility. Go ahead and have more children.

It is completely understandable

Thank you JaneJudge
I suppose I am in shock, I feel at 36 with all my little birds still in the nest I didn't think I would have to deal with this at the moment.

Thank you very much
Germanshepherdsmum.
I do not want people thinking I have an old fashioned way of thinking because trust me I don't.
There is a lot of background to this story ( my son didn't want children, she came off contraception without telling him...) but that wasn't the point of my thread hence why I didn't mention.
I just was looking for some emotional support.
I'm not saying my feelings won't change but right now they both are putting a lot of preasure on us to take on this spilt house role.
Her mother doesn't see a problem with it shes just on cloud 9 regardingthe whole thing, I just feel a bit of a loan ranger at the moment .